Throttle (Jack 'Em Up #3)

by Shauna Allen

  “He is. I’m not.”

  She sat next to me and placed a tentative hand on my knee. “It’s been a helluva week, huh?”

  “Yeah.” I swiped at the tears I hadn’t realized had started.

  “Wanna talk about it?”

  “Not really.” But I did anyway. I spilled my ever-loving guts out, but it did little to make me feel better.

  “He was just in a tailspin because of his son. He’ll come around.”

  “I hope so, but I’m not sure. That woman did a real number on him and his trust issues are epic.”

  “Maybe so, but that’s not your problem. You can’t fix that for him, Tori.”

  This made me sob harder, because she was absolutely right. I couldn’t force the situation, no matter how hard I tried. We had to come together because we both wanted to work for it.

  It just hurt so damn bad that this crap reared its ugly head right when I needed him most.

  “When was the last time you ate?” Kendall asked after I’d cried myself out.

  “This morning.”

  She rose and tugged my hand until I stood with her. “Come on. Let’s eat.”

  I was silent as she roamed my kitchen and made waffles. She poured me a big glass of orange juice then slid a full plate across the table to me. “Eat.”

  She sat with me, giving me mournful, knowing eyes as she nibbled her own waffle. Before I knew it, I’d finished my meal and felt much better. I lifted my eyes to hers. “Thank you.”

  “That’s what big sisters are for.” She took our plates to the sink and rinsed. “I came to talk to you about Mom and Hope.”

  “What about them?” I sipped the last of my juice.

  “I had a long talk with Mom after you left last night and we agreed it’d be best if they came to live with me and Peter.” She faced me, her expression serious. “Are you okay with that?”

  “Why?”

  “Mom’s going to need help. I’m home and can do that. We can afford nurses if it comes to that, too. I’ve got a big house with lots of room for them. You could come, too, if you wanted.”

  I didn’t know what to say.

  “Please don’t feel like we’re pulling the rug out from under you and making big decisions without your input. It makes sense, considering . . .”

  “When?”

  “I’m going to stay until this semester is over and help out then take them back with me.” We stared at each other, communicating a thousand painful thoughts without speaking. “We’re only a phone call and a flight away.”

  “I know.”

  “So, you’re okay with it?”

  I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to picture the future. It was impossible. I faced my sister again. “I’ll have to be.”

  We talked details for a while, and I could tell she was reluctant to leave. “I need to get back to Mom. I’m making dinner for her.”

  I walked her to the door and hugged her. “I’ll be by soon, okay?”

  “Of course you will.” She tucked some hair back that had escaped my ponytail. “Do you have some girlfriends you can call to have wine with or something? I think you need it.”

  I shrugged. “Maybe.”

  “Call them. Don’t stay here alone and mopey. It’s not good for you. I’d stay, but . . .”

  “I know. Go take care of Mom, I’ll be fine.”

  I watched her leave in Mom’s car then lifted my face up to the afternoon sunshine. It was a bright, beautiful day. I was not doing myself any good sitting around feeling sorry for myself and fearing a future that had yet to happen.

  Forcing myself to cheer up or die trying, I changed into real clothes, brushed my hair, and called Rachel.

  “Rachel Joyner,” she answered on the second ring.

  “Hey, sorry to bother you at work. It’s Tori.”

  “No bother. Everything all right?”

  I toyed momentarily with lying, but it seemed pointless. “No, not really.”

  “What’s up?”

  I told her briefly about my mother, but left out everything with Trace. “I guess I just needed a friendly voice.”

  “I’m so sorry about your mom. Losing a parent is brutal. I totally understand. I was pretty lost after my dad died.” She paused. “Why don’t you come over tonight? We’re having a barbecue to celebrate Ryder coming home. Nothing fancy. You should come and relax.”

  I hedged, unsure if I should encroach on Trace’s turf.

  “Come on,” she cajoled. “It’ll be fun.”

  “Yeah, okay. I’ll be there.” He could just deal with it. If it got too uncomfortable, I’d go.

  I got the details and promised a dessert of some kind before we hung up. I squinted at the clock. Three hours to go.

  I used the time to my advantage to bake a cake then took a long nap. I felt a thousand percent better by the time I was putting on my makeup and heading out.

  God help me.

  I clutched my double fudge cake to my chest and rang Rachel and Jesse’s doorbell.

  Delilah answered, her baby, Molly, on her hip. “Hey. Come on in.” Her smile was genuine and immediately put me at ease. She peeked at my cake. “Looks delicious. You’ll have to hide that from Jesse or he’ll eat the whole thing before anyone else gets a chance.”

  Before I could say a word, Jesse swooped in and relieved me of the cake dish with a quick peck to my cheek. “Welcome. Thanks for the cake.”

  “I . . . uh, you’re welcome.”

  They ushered me inside and I was surrounded by friendly conversation, the scent of burgers cooking, and the soft hum of 80’s rock. And Trace was nowhere in sight. I immediately felt better.

  Rachel hugged me then poured me a big glass of Shiraz and steered me out to the back deck with all the girls. “Don’t worry,” she whispered in my ear. “I haven’t told anyone about your mom. You can share that when you’re ready.”

  I nodded my thanks and sipped my wine as I plastered on my game face and we joined the other women in the middle of their conversation.

  “It’s really great working at the police station,” Jewel said, picking at a loose thread on her sweater. “I think I may take some more classes so I can try forensic art.”

  “I thought you wanted to teach,” Rachel said, plucking Molly from her mom’s lap.

  Jewel shrugged, her gaze momentarily diverted at the guys’ raucous laughter behind the sliding glass door. I looked as well, wondering if Trace and Ryder had gotten there yet. My nerves were eternally grateful I’d been early, establishing my grounding before he rocked it.

  “I do,” Jewel finally replied. “Eventually. Something about my work on this rapist case has me wanting to do more. I can do more.” Her words were firm, not at all the quiet, shy girl I was used to.

  “Well, I think that’s great,” I said.

  We turned to lighter topics . . . Rachel’s pregnancy, books, and the cute new doctor at Delilah’s rehab clinic.

  “You should come by and meet him,” Delilah poked Jewel with her sock-covered foot. “He’s real nice.”

  Jewel blushed as we all giggled. Behind us, the glass door slid open and little feet pounded the deck. “Miss Tori!”

  I spun in my chair, my grin automatic. “Ryder! I’m so happy to see you.”

  He crawled into my lap and I caught Trace’s eye over his head. His face was stoic, but he attempted a smile and nodded to acknowledge me. I turned my attention back to Ryder. “How are you? You okay?”

  He nodded, his feet swinging wildly as he told his childlike version of events—his mom stole him and said mean things about his daddy, she was going to take him far away, but he didn’t like her. She wasn’t his mommy even if he came out of her tummy.

  I kissed the crown of his head when he was done and let him scamper off to chase down the soccer ball in the yard. My eyes sought out Trace again and found him nursing a beer by himself in the darkened corner at the end of the house.

  “Excuse me, girls.” I stood and walked his way.


  His eyes flickered to mine, away, then back.

  “Hi.” I kept my distance, gauging his emotional state.

  “Hi.” He sipped again, his gaze glued to Ryder in the yard.

  “Can we talk?”

  He shrugged. “I guess.”

  “How are you?”

  His brow furrowed like that was the last thing he expected me to say. “I’m okay.”

  I sighed, frustration surging through me. “You are such a damn liar. Why can’t you just talk to me? I thought we . . . I thought we were friends, if nothing else.”

  He snapped up straight, his body tense. “What do you want me to say?”

  I got right in his face. “I want you to tell me why the hell you’re pushing me away. I’ve been understanding, I’ve given you space, I’ve . . . I love you. Why is that so scary to you?” I forked a hand through my hair and spun away. “You know what? Never mind. I’ve got too much going on in my life to deal with you. If you’re going to be a stubborn jerk, fine. I’m done.”

  I stomped away and mumbled a quick apology to Rachel as I made a beeline for the door. This was a bad idea.

  “Wait!” Delilah rushed to catch up with me. “What’s wrong?”

  Damn tears filled my eyes. I swiped them away and fumbled for my keys. “Nothing. I’ve just gotta go.”

  “Men,” she muttered, watching me.

  I didn’t acknowledge that. It wasn’t men. It was one man.

  The man.

  Trace

  I watched Tori storm away, fully aware she had every right to be pissed at me. Even after my heart-to-heart with my mom and my own self talk, trying to convince myself it was okay to trust her . . . to love her . . . I’d knee-jerked my way back into being an asshole.

  A scared asshole.

  Delilah stomped my way and shoved a pointy finger into my chest. “You, Trace Berringer, are an asshole.”

  My thoughts exactly.

  “What did you do to make her cry?” she demanded.

  “Nothing.” I’d made her cry? That was the last thing . . .

  “Bullshit!”

  “Hey, what’s going on here?” Blake broke in, concern filling his face as if I was the one yelling at his wife.

  “Why don’t you ask your friend here?” Delilah fumed, impressing me with her temper.

  Blake faced me, eyes wide. “What the hell, dude?”

  “I . . .” I opened my mouth to speak, but Delilah stomped away in a huff before I could get my words out and sat with Rachel and Jewel, her face red as she spoke. The other two women shot me nasty glares.

  “Trace?” Blake asked. “What the fuck did you do to my wife, man?”

  “Nothing. It’s between me and Tori, but it’s apparently got all the womenfolk pissed off at me.”

  Blake scanned the yard. “Where is Tori?”

  “She left.”

  “Because of you.” It was a statement, not a question.

  “Yeah.”

  “Look, bro. I don’t know what’s going on here, and I know the last couple of days have been hell, but you can’t let it get between you two. If you care about her, find a way to make it work. Take it from me, the king of fucking shit up with my woman.”

  I did care about her. I more than cared about her. That was the problem. I hadn’t planned on anything more than a fun time, a fling, maybe some sex with the girl I’d been fantasizing about. But somehow, she’d burrowed herself deep into my soul when I wasn’t looking. She meant everything to me, but I’d been living my life in a vacuum because my world wasn’t big enough to share. Not with Ryder at the center.

  “Trace.” Blake put a hand on my shoulder. “We’re not meant to be alone. We’re men. We work hard, we play hard, but in the end, we do it all to take care of our families . . . wives and kids. You can have it all, it’s okay.”

  “I know.”

  “Do you?” His gaze travelled to his wife and daughter. “I didn’t think I could love anyone more than I loved Dee. And I don’t. But Molly has only made our love stronger. I think maybe you’re missing out on that because you were forced into doing it backwards. You have the kid, but you’re not letting yourself have the woman.”

  “It’s not her. I just . . . how do I trust again?”

  “I don’t know, dude. All I can tell you is that Tori is not Kristi. That bitch is a piece of work who doesn’t deserve to call herself Ryder’s mom. But, Tori? She’s been there for you, she’s good to your kid. She shouldn’t bear the cross for Kristi. That’s not fair.”

  I bowed my head. He was absolutely right. It wasn’t only my heart in the mix here and it was time I sucked it up.

  Hell, she might not even want me anymore.

  I kicked a clump of grass and let my heart feel the weight of the decision, even as it formed. My eyes caught on my son again. My world. Was there room for more? For both of us?

  “Think you guys can watch Ry for a while tonight?” I asked before I could change my mind.

  “Sure.”

  I thanked him and loped over to Ry, who was perched between Rachel and Delilah at the deck table, eating his burger. I caught Delilah’s eye and tipped my head in a silent apology.

  “Buddy?”

  Ry peered up at me, ketchup on his chin.

  “I need to go out for a little while. Uncle Blake and Aunt Delilah are gonna watch you until I get back, okay?”

  “Where ya going?”

  I felt the women’s gazes boring into me like lasers. “I made a mistake and I hurt Miss Tori’s feelings. I need to go tell her I’m sorry.”

  Ryder studied me as he thought it through. “You’ll come back?”

  “Of course I will, Ry. I just need . . .” I turned my face to the sky and pinched the bridge of my nose against the hot rush of tears.

  Ryder stood and peered up at me. “You gonna tell her we love her?”

  The yard was suddenly deathly quiet. I knelt down and looked him in the eye. “Do you love her?”

  He nodded like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

  I collected him into a bear hug, whispering, “Me, too, Buddy. Me, too.”

  He drew back. “Can I have cake?”

  I laughed at his sudden one-eighty. “After you finish your burger,” I promised. I rose and faced Rachel. “Can I speak with you for a minute?”

  “Sure.”

  We stepped inside, where Jesse and Micah were huddled at a laptop, pouring over car sales on the Internet. I guided her to the first empty room where we could speak privately, which happened to be Molly’s nursery. I was bombarded with all the baby smells I’d forgotten. The overwhelming innocence and fear of those early days with Ryder.

  I shoved my hands in my pockets. “Any idea where my custody case is going to stand now?”

  Her face crumpled in sympathy. “Trace, there isn’t any case. Kristi doesn’t have a leg to stand on after the stunt she pulled. Not to mention her drug abuse and abandoning you and Ryder for the last seven years.”

  “I’d hope so, but I also know the courts don’t take away a mother’s rights lightly.”

  “No, they don’t. But she’s proven to be unreliable at best, and dangerous at worst. You’ve been the stable, loving parent in his life. No court will give her the time of day. You don’t have to worry. I promise.”

  I sagged in relief. As rational as all that was, I still needed the reassurance. “When do you think we can schedule a hearing to get this over with?”

  “I can file the papers with the court by the end of the week. Depending on the family judge’s docket, it could be up to six months, but I hope for sooner. I’ll try to push for an emergency hearing.”

  “Thank you. I really appreciate all your help.”

  “You’re welcome. Now what’re you gonna do about Tori?”

  A wry laugh escaped me. With all my friends busting my balls, there was no way I was gonna get by with much. “I don’t know, but I think apologizing might be a good place to start.”

  “You do that
. You both need each other right now.” I frowned in question, but she didn’t elaborate. She kissed my cheek. “Good luck. You guys are good together.”

  I certainly hoped we still could be.

  I thought about stopping to buy flowers or some other token of apology, but in the end, I only wanted to get to her.

  Shuffling on her tiny porch with my heart in knots, I knocked on Tori’s door.

  The door swung open and she stared at me from behind her cute reading glasses. She was the most adorable thing I’d ever seen with her messy hair, pink pajamas, and bare feet.

  I tried for a contrite smile. “Hi.”

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Can I come in?”

  She eyed me one long, tense moment, then sighed and moved aside so I could enter. Closing the door behind her, she crossed her arms in front of her chest. “If you’re here to hurt me again, you can save yourself the trouble. I’ve cried all I’m gonna cry over you. I’m just going to focus on taking care of my mom now.”

  “Ah, baby . . .” I reached out to stroke her face, but she pulled away.

  “Don’t baby me. What do you want?”

  My gaze dipped to the ground. I felt like a snake. She did not deserve to be saddled with my baggage. When I told her so, the silence was deafening. I peered up and she was staring at me like she’d never seen me before.

  “Are you stupid?” she finally asked.

  “Sorry?”

  “You should be.”

  I tilted my head.

  “What did I say to you the night Ryder was taken? Do you remember?”

  I bit my lip. “It’s all a bit hazy.”

  She took a step in my direction. “Let me remind you then. I said when you came to your senses, I’d forgive you.” Her stormy eyes soaked me in. “Have you come to your senses?”

  “I’m trying.”

  We stared each other down for what felt like an eternity. I was sure she was going to show me the door. Then she tackled me into a hug, her arms tight around my waist, her face burrowed into my chest. I inhaled her familiar scent and contentment filled me for the first time in days.

  “Try harder,” she whispered. “I really need my best friend back.”

  Cupping her jaw, I lifted her face toward me. I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers in gentle reverence. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I was stupid.”