She would miss Alice, but she’d understand, and she never wanted to see Arthur again.
Tuesday morning, after she cleaned, she sat at Alice’s bureau and wrote out her resignation. She read it over and once sealed in the envelope, she felt a little better. The decision was made, and soon she’d be gone.
She looked on her phone trying to find somewhere to go. Not too far, the idea of being far away from him hurt too much, and she thought she could still visit Alice. She never wanted to be near him, but she couldn’t bear to leave.
On the other side of the city, just outside, had been farmland until about twenty years ago, now it had become a suburb of sorts. There was a newish small estate there. There was a flat for rent, and she had enough saved to afford it. She rang temping agencies, and applied for jobs.
She felt bad for doing it secretly, yet she had no options.
She cooked one of Arthur’s favourite meals, she couldn’t help herself, and her head buzzed when he arrived.
He chatted with Alice for a bit, and didn’t say one word to her. Not one.
Alice was in the cool afternoon air of the living room, when she called him in, still click clacking away at her knitting. She put it down as he sat next to her.
“I’m worried.”
“Oh?” his heart was in his throat. He nearly turned back on the way. He felt sick at the thought of seeing her, the hurt and disappointment she must feel in him would be tough to take.
“I think something happened to her.”
“What do you mean?” he held his breath.
“Well, she’s been quiet ever since she went out Friday. I asked her if she had a nice time, and she said yes, but the look on her face…she’s been quiet ever since. She barely looks at me, I’m really worried about her. You know she adores you, and listens to you. Will you talk to her?”
Wave upon wave of regret washed over him, he hated himself for what he had done to her, there was no righting it, and he had lost her. For the first time since he was a boy, he wanted his mother’s reassurance.
He finally managed to speak. “I’ll talk to her after dinner.”
“Thank you. Are you okay, you don’t seem so good either, has something happened between you two?”
“Just stress at work. It’s fine.”
Rebecca made an effort, she supposed it was the nerves of being near him again that made her attain some more animation. Arthur was civil at dinner, and Alice went to nap while they cleaned up.
The silence was thick when they were alone.
Despite the buzzing in her ears, she spoke, pulling the words up from somewhere.
“I need to speak with you.”
She didn’t wait for him, but opened the backdoor and went into the garden. He followed. She sat on the bench in the shade at the bottom of the garden.
She took a deep breath when he finally sat down.
The envelope in her hands was creased slightly, and she tried to smooth it out.
“What’s that?” she silently passed it to him. He knew what it was. “You’re leaving?”
“I don’t have much of a choice.”
“Please don’t, mum will be devastated.”
Tears hovered in her eyes, but she was still, there was no emotion when she spoke.
“I never knew my father. I think that might be why mum hates me so much. She used to hit me all the time. I was never allowed breakfast, I only ever ate bread and butter for dinner. The only reason I didn’t starve to death was I was fed at school.
“When David moved in, it was better at first, like she was making an effort, but they made each other worse, and they spiralled. Mum’s poison was heroin. David was her pimp. He wanted me to work for him too from the moment I started to look like less of a child, and more of a woman. I’d feel him watching me, and even then, I knew what he wanted. I felt wrong and soiled somehow, just by being there.
“Mum was jealous. It was such a toxic place to be, you could feel the tension of it all the time. Nothing ever happened though. It would have, but you see his son moved in with us. Mark is nearly three years older than me. He was obsessed from the moment he moved in, I think it was why he moved in.
“He just expected me to be his girlfriend. It was what he called me. He’d stand behind me if I was in the kitchen and start touching me. He’d laugh when I’d hit him and run away. He’d follow me to school, when I got a Saturday job, he’d come into the shop all the time. He had this tattoo on his neck with my name on it. I was his property. He’d tell me that all the time. I was going ‘work’ for his dad, but I’d always be his girlfriend.
“He forced himself into the bathroom when I was in there once, he locked the door and held me against it while he made me wank him off. That is the full extent of my sexual experience. I left then and hid out with some friends. Social services wouldn’t let me stay with them. I was finally placed in a children’s home. It was a scary place, but safer than mum’s. I’m frigid. I want it to be over, I want to do it and be done. I’m sorry I did what I did, because now you know what I am, how repulsive I am.
“It’s not just because of what happened that I’m leaving. It’s the reason I went out in the first place. Mark is out. I wanted to get beyond this one thing, if sex wasn’t an issue for me, then maybe I could move on. He’s not allowed near me, or to travel, and he’s only out on licence. But he’ll come for me. I grassed them up for the drugs, they beat the shit out of me, and they got done for that too. He sent Danny after me.
“It’s a matter of time. You were right before, about bringing that danger to your mum. I love her, and I don’t want anything to happen to her. So I should go.” Her whole body shook, she was angry, humiliated, and desperate.
He didn’t speak at first. He was taking in everything she said.
“I’m sorry about your family. You are not repulsive, and none of what happened is your fault. What happened is my fault. I am to blame, I should never tried to take advantage of you. You must hate me now.”
“I don’t hate you, why would I hate you?”
He looked baffled. “Because I nearly had sex with you when you were so drunk you didn’t know what you were doing. I couldn’t control myself.” His voice started to break. “I did the one thing I swore not to do, and that was push you sexually, it was unforgivable of me.”
“You didn’t take advantage of me, I knew what I was doing.”
“You were slurring, and you said you needed to be drunk…that’s not what I wanted for us, and now…you’re leaving me, and something has changed.”
“Something has changed, but it’s not your fault. Are you saying you want a relationship with me?”
“No, we can’t have that now. You would have regretted it if I hadn’t managed to come to my senses, you would have hated me.”
“No I wouldn’t. You’re talking as though I’m incapable of making a choice, I made my choice, and you rejected me.”
“I didn’t reject you, I wanted you so much, but for you it was wrong.”
“Why do you get to decide that?”
He took a deep breath. “You’re emotionally in a very vulnerable place. You know that, don’t you? You went out, to get drunk, so that you could shag a stranger, to get over the trauma of what happened to you. That’s not good decision making. I was so glad that you called me. The idea of you being with someone else…”
His posture changed, he paled, his jaw set.
“You’re not leaving, not because of me. We can work round that. This Mark loser, can fuck off, he won’t come for you. He’ll only end up back in prison. Mum needs you, she depends on you, so you’ll stay, and deal with this, and get over it.”
“Like you?”
“Yes. I’ll get over it, I think it’s for the best. I don’t want a repeat of what happened. It’s going to haunt me.” She looked down, ashamed.
“I’m sorry I’ve done this to you. I don’t think I can stay though, I can’t keep seeing you here.”
“We’ll go ba
ck to eating separately, I’ll spend less time here.”
“No, your mum loves having you here. I’ll make myself scarce.”
“Fine.”
He tore up the resignation letter and put it in his pocket. She sat there for a while, until he left.
Alice knew something had gone wrong between them, and she had such hopes. The flirting, playing about, it made her so happy. Something happened that Friday, they weren’t speaking, and they weren’t in the same room for more than a minute.
She was decidedly put out.
Eight. The narrow way
Arthur didn’t know how to feel, part of him was numb, a good chunk was angry. His mind kept returning to the moment when he realised she was drunk, and not fully in control. He wouldn’t think of the time before that, when all he wanted was her, finally.
When he thought about it, he should have realised, she was too keen, too sexual, she was a virgin, and afraid of sex, she wasn’t being herself.
He went to the gym, he pounded the treadmill, sweat poured off him, his face was serious and set.
He clutched his middle as he walked the last mile, the pain of what he’d nearly done overwhelming him. That she thought it was her fault made him feel worse. He loved her, he realised it that night, and he feared he’d never really get over what he’d done. ‘Her fault’, he felt sick at the thought.
He sat in his car, keys in the ignition, yet he couldn’t move. The carpark was emptying out, the after work attendees thinning out, going home. He sighed and looked out of the window. He recognised the little red car on the other side of the carpark.
A woman walked out to it, in a short white dress, sports bag in hand. Her hair was perfect. Everything about her was perfect. When he met Victoria, he was five. She was Maddie’s best friend, and they were holding hands skipping in the garden.
He shyly shuffled to them. Maddie took one hand, and Victoria took the other. They sang and went round in a circle. He didn’t care if they were girls, he was in love.
For a long time he loved her and she played with him, toyed with him, until the summer after the second year of uni. It was a great summer, she had laughed so much then. He tried to understand when that had changed, when she had become calculating and cold.
They moved in together when they graduated, and got engaged really quickly, he didn’t want to waste time, but the business was slow at first, he refused money from his mum, and Victoria had kept them afloat. She had landed a good job as soon as she moved back home. Of course she did, she was perfect.
It was then that she changed. Shagging her shitfuck of a boss, who six months into their marriage, then did the dirty on her. He couldn’t blame her bitterness. He shook his head at the memory. His eyes had been opened then, and he was very sure he didn’t love her anymore.
As he opened his eyes, she was walking towards him. He tensed. She got in his car.
“I’ve been watching you for five minutes.”
“What do you want?” he hadn’t meant to be sharp.
“You.”
He started the car and reversed. The word and her tone crossed a line in him, all his frustration bubbled over.
“What are you doing?” her face flushed in shock. He didn’t speak and speeded all the way to his.
He slammed the car door, and opened hers, he pulled her out and inside.
He watched her swallow as they stood in the hall. His tone was hateful, and he was rigid and angry.
“Me? You want me? Do you have any idea how much I dislike you? Once, yes I loved you once, but you,” he pointed, “didn’t, and if you’re really honest with yourself, you don’t now. You want position, money, status, you want the designer children that go with your designer fucking handbags . Social climbing. You and Maddie are as bad as each other.” He looked her up and down. “I would have done anything you make you happy, I had no doubts that I would succeed, all I needed was a little time. And now, I’m supposed to what? Be grateful?”
Tears stood in her eyes.
“What is it exactly do you want from me?” she jumped at the volume of his voice.
“Anything you’ll give me.” She couldn’t lie to him. She had betrayed him foolishly once, even though she had loved him all the time she had known him.
“That’s pathetic.”
“I know, I can’t help it. What’s happened?”
“I fucked up. I hurt the one person I truly love.”
“You love her?”
“More than anything.” She thought he might cry.
“What did you do?” he only shook his head. She cautiously stepped towards him. He looked dangerous. “I could make you feel better.” He looked into her eyes and sneered.
“You want to fuck?” she winced at his tone. He grabbed her, and held her roughly. “Is that what you want?”
He could do that, fuck her, hurt her, take out all of his anger and frustration on her. He let her go, no that wasn’t him, he could never do it. He leant over, and braced his hands on his knees.
Victoria shook. She had never seen him like this, not even when she had left him. She watched tears fall from his eyes. She knelt down and took his face in her hands.
“If that’s what you need. I love you.”
“I can’t, all I can think about is her, and what I’ve done.”
“What have you done?”
“I did the one thing I swore not to do, when she was drunk and vulnerable, I nearly, we…”
“Did you?” he shook his head. “Then what’s the problem?”
“It’s really complicated, be assured, it was the one thing I should not have done.”
“Okay, it’s okay. I’m here, I’m here for you, whatever you need.” She held him while he cried.
She stayed in the guest room. He half expected her to join him in the middle of the night, but she didn’t, she stayed away from him. He thought that maybe she really had changed.
Arthur went for dinner on Friday, with Victoria in tow. Rebecca had made herself adjust to the new reality, whatever they had was gone, but when she saw Victoria, she felt bile at the back of her throat.
She couldn’t believe it. Alice looked at her but she smiled. She had told her that Mark was out, she told her that there had been the start of something with Arthur, but it was over, and for the best.
Alice had been so disappointed.
She excused herself and went up. It was hard for him not to say anything to Rebecca, and the hurt on her face was cutting. Victoria squeezed his hand, and he tried to be upbeat for his mother.
Rebecca sat in her comfy chair and looked out of the little French windows. They were open and the breeze fluttered the curtains.
The garden was perfect in the summer afternoon, the temperature was still high, but the cool of a breeze tempered it.
She curled up and rested her head on her knees. She was so tired she didn’t know what to do with herself. She realised at that moment, she could not go on as she was. It was more than just a bruised heart, more than everything that had happened over the last eighteen months, but she realised that it was all of her life, had culminated to that point. Her failure with Arthur showed her exactly how much of a failure she was. She didn’t want to do it anymore, and she wouldn’t.
She left Alice for a few hours on Monday, she cycled to the surgery and nervously sat in with the GP.
She told her everything, and left with a prescription and her name down for counselling.
She rang the service and said she could pay instead of the eight-week wait, and she got an appointment for Tuesday week.
She looked at the box of pills in her hand. She thought about her life, of everything that had happened. She felt so bad about Arthur, how she had made him feel. It was up to her to at least be civil if there was to be less tension between them, even if he had miraculously got over her and went back to his ex. It was for the best.
She took the little tablet.
That summer ended in the third week of July. It rained for ei
ght days in a row, and was pretty cold afterwards. Rebecca and Arthur reached a middle ground of sorts.
Rebecca prepared dinner and vanished before he got there with Victoria. They never saw each other. She missed him terribly. The pills began to work within a few weeks, and the emptiness and numbness made way for clearer thinking. Counselling helped the most. Talking about Mark, about her mother and everything that went with it, was revelatory. Talking to someone who understood, who explained things, challenged her thinking, opened her eyes.
Arthur was right about needing help. She wished she could tell him that she was getting it at last. She went back to film club, she took up running, made her own way.
At film club, Joe had approached her, she found him easy to talk to. He talked to her to, and after a few weeks, they were friends of sorts. She’d asked him not to mention to Arthur that they were friends, she was trying to stay out of his life. Joe nodded, and asked not to tell anyone he was gay, as he wasn’t out yet.
He had only recently understood his sexuality, and was tentative with the understanding of it. They were both seeking a way, it made them close, even in a few short weeks. They’d have dinner before club, and a few pints after. It was good to have a friend.
Joe rang her on the first Wednesday of August.
“What’s up?” Alice raised her brows at Rebecca. She’d noticed the gradual change in her, less sad, and she knew she was seeing a counsellor. She had no idea who she was talking to on the phone.
Rebecca looked almost giddy. It made her sad. Arthur was so unhappy. He’d hidden it well, but something was wrong, and she saw how Victoria was trying to help him, being a friend, but it did no good. She knew that he was sad over Rebecca, but she couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t put it right.
“Who was that dear?”
Rebecca grinned. “Joe from film club, well he owns the little cinema. He’s asked me out to some function or other. I need to buy a dress. Do you want to come with me?”
“Joe? Morris?”
Getting a Life (New City Series Book 1) Page 10
