Run the Risk

by Allison van Diepen

  “Yeah.” He shrugged. “It’s not something you can study for. It’s mostly based on instinct. It’s for the driving part of my course. I’ve got some experience with fast driving.”

  “But you only slept a few hours.” I bit my lip.

  “I’m used to screwed-up sleep. Paramedics have to be able to adapt. I’ll be fine.”

  “You’d better eat.” I opened the fridge. “We’ve got eggs. Peanut butter. Jam.”

  “It’s okay. I’ll grab something at home. Gotta shower and shave before I go to school. Just coffee’s good.”

  I was about to pour it for him, but he did it himself, adding cream. He sat down at the kitchen table to drink it. I stood at the counter with mine.

  “Let him sleep in,” he said. “Don’t wake him for school.”

  I frowned. “He has to go back. If he doesn’t, he could get in even more trouble.”

  Mateo shook his head. “That’s the least of your problems. If he wants to sleep in and play video games all day, let him. At least for now. If you bug him about school, it could drive him off again. Trust me on this one. It’s getting really dangerous out there. The Locos are into some serious shit. They’re dealing in guns, drugs. And somehow they’ve pissed off the Destinos, which was a big mistake.”

  My stomach dropped. The Destinos. “That’s the gang that went after Los Reyes?”

  “Yeah. They went underground for a while, but now they’re back, and they’ve set their sights on the Locos. The beef is major. I don’t wanna see Alex get caught in the crossfire. The Destinos are gonna crush the Locos.” There was an edge to his voice. “It’s just a matter of when.”

  “Scary.” The coffee I was drinking turned my stomach to acid. I put it down. “I won’t bug him about school, I promise.”

  “I’ll be back tonight after dinner. My training shifts are over now. You don’t work Monday nights, right?”

  “Right.”

  “Good. Hopefully we can keep Alex home. I’ll work on him.” He took another sip of coffee, then got up and dumped the rest in the sink. “I’d better go.”

  He grabbed his wallet and phone. I opened the front door for him. Before he could leave, I put a hand on his arm. “Good luck.”

  “Thanks.” He smiled. I flashed back to the boy I used to know, and my heart did a flip.

  As he drove away, I stared after him, gazing at the quiet, sun-drenched street.

  I am not going to fall for him again, I told myself. It would be a mistake. Maybe even a disaster.

  And yet a quiet voice in my head asked, But what if it wasn’t?

  True to his word, Mateo came over that evening. He made us grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches with tomato soup. Although Alex was hardly speaking to me, he wasn’t going to pass up such an awesome dinner.

  “So the scenario was that a baby was choking,” Mateo said. The minute he’d mentioned his driving exam, Alex had perked up. “It’s a Class A situation, which means you’ve got to get there as fast as possible. All bets are off—only thing you can’t do is mow down a pedestrian. Other than that, sidewalks are in play. I made it through the course in three minutes, twenty seconds.”

  “Holy!” Alex said, midchew. “How long would most people take?”

  “Twice that. I’m not trying to brag, but it’s true. Plus I didn’t hit the cyclist or the other cars.”

  I stared at him. “They had a cyclist on the course?”

  “It was a cardboard cyclist, but still. Three people hit him. It’s pretty much an automatic fail.”

  “Yikes.” I sipped my soup.

  “The next scenario was the scene of a horrific car crash, where a tractor trailer and a car collided on the highway. I had a partner for that one. We got there in five minutes, since Hunter was driving, not me. And we had to use the Jaws of Life to get the family out of the car—they’re these hydraulic- powered shears that cut through metal.”

  “That’s so awesome! Were they dummies or real people?” Alex asked eagerly.

  “Dummies. Some of them were supposed to be still alive. Some obviously weren’t.” He glanced at me.

  I shuddered. “I’d have been freaked out just by the re- enactment. I can’t imagine going to the scene of a real crash. I’m glad you can do it.”

  “What about the truck driver?” Alex asked.

  “We went over to try to get him out. He was calling for help.”

  “If this doesn’t end well, my dinner’s going to be ruined,” I said.

  “Sorry. Maybe I should finish the story later.”

  “No way!” Alex said.

  I closed my eyes. “Fine. Tell us.”

  “We were trying to pry open the door when I noticed gas leaking from the cab of the truck. Which told me the engine must’ve been damaged during the crash. When you see that happening, the best option’s to get the hell away.”

  “So what’d you do?” Alex said.

  “I shouted to clear out and ran. But Hunter wouldn’t go. He was working the door from the other side, and he’d almost gotten it open. See, he was one of the guys who’d hit the cyclist, and he didn’t want to fail. He thought he could redeem himself if he got the guy out.”

  “But it didn’t end well,” I said dismally.

  “No. There was a popping sound, which meant the truck exploded.”

  “Holy shit!” Alex clapped his hands together. “That’s a sick story!”

  Mateo grinned and took another bite of his grilled cheese.

  I had to admit, I was impressed with Mateo, and not only due to his skills as a paramedic. His storytelling had helped cut the tension between Alex and me.

  “I brought that movie I was talking about,” Mateo said, grabbing a DVD from his backpack and handing it to me. Of course, he hadn’t been talking about any movie, but I knew what he was doing—trying to keep Alex home tonight. “It’s from that list of the top horror movies of all time. It’s Swedish, called Let the Right One In. They did an American version, but I heard it’s not nearly as good.”

  “Looks freaky,” I said. The picture on the DVD showed a child with blood dripping from his mouth. “Guess I won’t be sleeping tonight.”

  “Lemme see.” Alex snatched it from me. He examined the picture on the front, then read the back. “This looks cool.”

  “Should we watch it?” Mateo asked.

  I nodded. “Why not?”

  “Definitely,” Alex said.

  Well played, Mateo.

  Once we’d cleared away the dishes, we put the movie on. It wasn’t the typical horror movie—it was more creepy than bloody. I could tell Alex was riveted. Occasionally he’d ask Mateo a question, worried he’d miss a detail.

  When the movie was over, we talked about it for a while, then I told them I was heading to bed. They said good night, only briefly breaking off the conversation as I left the room. I went to load up the dishwasher and clean the kitchen a bit first.

  On my way upstairs, I paused for a second to see if I could catch a bit of their conversation.

  “. . . what you gotta do,” Mateo was saying. “But if the Locos are anything like the Reyes used to be, you don’t know what you’re in for.”

  “I can’t believe you were a Reyes, man,” Alex said, awed. “They were the real deal.”

  “Yeah, and most of those guys are dead. I’m the lucky one. I’m still breathing.”

  “I can’t believe they let you out. In the Locos, once you’re in, that’s it.”

  “Same with the Reyes,” Mateo said. “Nobody told me I was gonna have to put my life on the line to make money for the gang. Our leader, El Toro, sent my buddy Franco to do some deals in cartel territory. They shot him dead.”

  “Shit.”

  “Yeah. I was damned if I was gonna end up on a slab just so Toro could afford to buy his Cristal, you know? I already went to juvie for doing a deal for him. So when Toro tried to send me into cartel territory, I said no.”

  “You said no to the leader? Shi-it!”

  �
��Yeah. It didn’t help that I had to say it in front of a group of them. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I knew he wouldn’t tolerate it. He told them to . . . to hold me down—” Mateo broke off for a minute, as if digging out the words. “He took out a razor blade and cut my face. Then he told them to finish me off.”

  There was a long silence. For once, Alex had nothing to say.

  “They left me by the docks. I thought I was dead. There was blackness all around and I couldn’t see—my eyes had swollen shut. Nobody found me until the next morning. It was amazing I didn’t bleed out.”

  Tears streamed down my cheeks. I wiped them away, trying not to make a sound.

  “I woke up in the hospital three days later. Every part of me hurt, I can’t even tell you. But the pain told me I was alive.”

  I sobbed silently into my hands. I wished I’d known what had happened to him. I wished I could’ve been there to help him through it.

  “I heard they called me ‘Matador’ after that, because I’d stood up to the bull. I was the only one who’d done that and survived.”

  “You gotta admit, that’s kind of cool,” Alex said.

  “I guess, but the whole thing was fucked-up. My own gang did that to me—the guys who were supposed to have my back. My own brother.”

  “Your brother was there when they did that to you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “That’s horrible.”

  “That’s the Reyes for you. Gang before blood. What makes you think the Locos are any different?”

  Alex didn’t have an answer for that.

  “So tell me this. How good is he?” Feenix asked me Friday night. With the early shows in progress there were no customers, so we chilled out with soft cinnamon pretzels. “I want details. Schematics. It’s getting a little routine with Kenny and me. I need some inspiration.”

  I smiled. “Planning on a sex poem for next week?”

  “Maybe.”

  “I got nothing for you. Read some erotica. Nina’s got a whole pile of those books.”

  “I know. But Eddie’s been borrowing them.” She made an ick face. “I wish somebody would find that guy a girl. Anyway, what I’m interested in is what’s going on between you and Mr. Sexy-Pants Security Guard. Spill it.”

  I tried to smile, but the truth was, I ached. Mateo and I hadn’t been alone together for more than a few minutes in days. But the air between us was thick and hot. Even Alex had assumed we’d gotten together since Mateo was spending so much time at our place now. We didn’t dare set him straight.

  I was starting to think that my version of our history was warped. I’d always blamed Mateo for making me break up with him—for choosing the gang over me. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe I’d let him down when he’d needed me, and not the other way around.

  After hearing Mateo’s account of what the gang had done to him, my feelings for him had shifted. Most guys who’d been through that would’ve chosen to hate the world. Instead, he’d gone back to school and built a future for himself. Mateo was stronger than I’d ever realized. He was freaking magnificent.

  Feenix stared at me, waiting for me to give her something, anything.

  “Based on my past experience with him, I’d say he’s a sensualist.”

  Her eyes bulged. “What? Tell me more!”

  “He’s not the type of guy to rush things. I mean, he’s really passionate by nature. But he’s a take-his-time, appreciate- the-scenery type of guy.”

  She raised a brow. “The scenery?”

  “He’s into the five senses. Touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound.” I was messing with her, but she was eating it up.

  “Sound, huh? He talks dirty, I bet!”

  “I keep telling you, we’re not together,” I said, finally getting serious. “He just drives me home sometimes and chills with my brother. When are you going to believe me?”

  “When hell freezes over. You think anyone here believes you’re not boning each other every damn night?”

  “I told you, he’s been hanging out with Alex. He’s kind of mentoring him.”

  She glared at me. “Right. Because straight guys are just that nice. Sorry, Grace, but I don’t buy it. Mateo looks like he wants to eat you with a spoon!”

  “C’mon.” But I couldn’t disagree. Sometimes I glimpsed the heat in his eyes. He’d look away, as if he were in physical pain. It drove me nuts.

  “You do know you’re smiling, right?”

  “I’m not.” But my lips were pulling at my cheeks. Whatever this attraction was, we were enjoying it. Playing with it. With our eyes. With a passing touch. It was dangerous territory, like dabbling with a highly addictive drug. But I couldn’t seem to stop.

  I reminded myself that once Alex was back on track, Mateo wouldn’t need to hang out with us anymore. The thought made my heart sink. I had to trust that Mateo wouldn’t go off the radar anytime soon. He genuinely cared about Alex and wanted to see him go straight.

  But did he care about me enough to stick around?

  Later that night, Mateo drove me home.

  I had something to say, something burning inside me. I should get it off my chest before I lost the courage.

  “You said you were sorry for letting me down, back then,” I said, taking a deep breath.

  “I meant it.”

  “But you shouldn’t be sorry. You were in a tough spot. I didn’t understand how stuck you were. Maybe . . . I didn’t want to understand.” It was easier saying it while he was driving, while his eyes were on the road and not on me. “I know you were trapped. I hope you didn’t hate me all this time for breaking up with you.”

  His lips pressed together. “Never. You did the right thing. My life got a whole lot worse before it got better. It would’ve been horrible to drag you through it with me.” He was silent for a moment, then continued softly, “After all you went through with your mom, I didn’t want that for you.”

  “But I dragged you through everything with me when Mom was sick. You didn’t walk away.”

  “It’s not the same thing.” He braked at a light, the red glow reflecting onto his face. His expression was bleak. “I saw what your mom’s sickness did to you. I would’ve done anything to take the sadness away. When I joined the gang, you had the choice to protect yourself, for once. And you did.”

  I’d thought so at the time, but was it true? “I think I knew, deep down, that you didn’t really want to be in the Reyes. I was being selfish.”

  “Selfish? God, you take care of everyone around you—it’s what you do. I wish you were more selfish.”

  Did he really see me that way? “I guess you forgot I’m blackmailing you.”

  “Exactly—you’re doing something you’d never do just to help your brother.”

  “It’s not just for Alex,” I admitted. “It’s for me, too. I love him, but I’m sick of dealing with him. If he keeps getting into trouble, I’ll always be the one who will get the call. Dad’s not around enough to handle him. I never told you this, but the reason I’m not in college right now is because my grades dropped when he got arrested last spring. I was so upset I couldn’t study, couldn’t finish my papers . . . and I lost my college acceptance. The worst part was that I felt like I’d let my mom down—like I should’ve found a way to stop Alex from getting into trouble.”

  “You seriously think it’s your fault?”

  “I don’t know anymore. I just know I’m sick of cleaning up his messes. I want him to wake the fuck up and let me have a life. How selfish does that sound?”

  He smiled, and my stomach quivered. “Just the right amount of selfish. It’s time you looked out for yourself.”

  “Even if it means blackmailing you?”

  “You know that’s not why I’m doing this. I want to help you. And Alex.”

  “You are helping.” I paused, wondering if I should admit what I’d overheard. “I was listening when you told him what they did to you.”

  “Yeah, I figured.”

  “Ho
w’d you know?”

  “I heard you go up half the stairs.”

  “Oops.”

  “It’s okay. I was telling you, too.”

  My eyes filled with tears. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.” His face was in shadows, but I could see the outline of the scar—a reminder of that night that he faced every day in the mirror. “I understand why you don’t write to your brother.”

  Tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn’t fight them anymore.

  “Don’t cry,” he said, almost roughly, and reached over to grab my hand.

  “I’m fine. I’m emotional. It’s just how I am.”

  To my surprise, he made a right turn, pulling over in the nearest parking lot. He turned to me.

  “I know it’s how you are. You feel for other people. Sometimes too much. Their happiness is your happiness. Their pain is yours. That’s why you’re so good with those kids. You put yourself in their shoes, see through their eyes.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because I know you. I’ve always known you.” His intensity took my breath away.

  We used to have these moments when we got lost in each other’s eyes—when we totally understood each other. It was happening now. An intense warmth spread through me.

  “There’s a downside,” he said. “No matter how hard you try, you can’t take away somebody else’s pain.”

  I thought of him lying in that hospital bed. “I wish I could have taken away yours.”

  “I know.”

  There were no sounds in the car except our quiet breathing, and a muffled horn blast miles away.

  “I know you don’t want me to bring up the time you came over after we broke up,” he said, “but I want to explain.”

  “You’d moved on. I understand.”

  He shook his head. “I never wanted to send you away like that. But the guys were watching. I didn’t dare show any feelings for you in front of them. I was thinking of your safety. Toro was there. If he thought I felt anything for you, it would’ve given him ideas.”

  “What ideas?”

  His jaw tightened. “To take you for himself. I’d seen him do it with other guys’ girlfriends. And you’re so damned pretty. I could tell he noticed you right away. So I acted like you were some crazy ex-girlfriend. If he thought I cared about you, he would’ve been interested.”