Torchy As A Pa

by Sewell Ford

  CHAPTER XVI

  THE MYSTERY OF THE THIRTY-ONE

  If I knew how, you ought to be worked up to the proper pitch for thisscene. You know--lights dimmed, throbby music from the bull fiddle andkettle drums, and the ushers seatin' nobody durin' the act. Belascostuff. The stage showin' the private office of the Corrugated Trust.It's a case of the big four in solemn conclave.

  Maybe you can guess the other three. Uh-huh! Old Hickory Ellins, Mr.Robert, and Piddie. I forget just what important problem we wassettlin'. But it must have been something weighty and serious. Millionsat stake, most likely. Thousands anyway. Or it might have been when weshould start the Saturday half-holidays.

  All I remember is that we was grouped around the big mahogany desk; OldHickory in the middle chewin' away at the last three inches of aCassadora; Mr. Robert at right center, studyin' the documents in thecase; Piddie standin' respectful at his side weavin' his fingers in andout nervous; and me balanced on the edge of the desk at the left, oneshoe toe on the floor, the other foot wavin' easy and graceful. Cooland calm, that's me. But not sayin' a word. Nobody was. We'd had ourturn. It was up to Old Hickory to give the final decision. We waswaitin', almost breathless. He'd let out a grunt or two, cleared histhroat, and was about to open in his usual style when--

  Cr-r-rash! Bumpety-bump!

  Not that this describes it adequate. If I had a mouth that could imitatethe smashin' of a 4x6 foot plate glass window I'd be on my way out tostampede the national convention for some favorite son. For that'sexactly what happens. One of them big panes through which Old Hickorycan view the whole southern half of Manhattan Island, not to mentionpart of New Jersey, has been shattered as neat as if someone had throwna hammer through it. And havin' that occur not more'n ten feet from yourright ear is some test of nerves, I'll say. I didn't even fall off thedesk. All Old Hickory does is set his teeth into the cigar a littlefirmer and roll his eyes over one shoulder. Piddie's the only one whoshows signs of shell shock. When he finally lets out a breath it's likeopenin' a bottle of home brew to see if the yeast cake is gettin' in itswork.

  The bumpety-bump noise comes from something white that follows the crashand rolls along the floor toward the desk. Naturally I makes a grab forit.

  "Don't!" gasps Piddie. "It--it might be a bomb."

  "Yes," says I, "it might. But it looks to me more like a golf ball."

  "What?" says Old Hickory. "Golf ball! How could it be?"

  "I don't know, sir," says I, modest as usual.

  "Let's see," says he. I hands it over. He takes a glance at it andsnorts out: "Impossible, but quite true. It is a golf ball. A Spalldop31."

  "You're right, Governor," says Mr. Robert. "That's just what it is."

  Piddie takes a cautious squint and nods his head. So we made itunanimous.

  "But I don't quite see, sir," goes on Piddie, "how a----"

  "Don't you?" breaks in Old Hickory. "Well, that's strange. Neither doI."

  "Might it not, sir," adds Piddie, "have been dropped from an airplane?"

  "Dropped how?" demands Old Hickory. "Sideways? The law of gravitydoesn't work that way. At least, it didn't when I met it last."

  "Certainly!" says Piddie. "I had not thought of that. It couldn't havebeen dropped. Then it must have been driven by some careless golfer."

  He's some grand little suggester, Piddie is. Old Hickory glares at himand snorts. "An amazingly careless golfer," he adds, "considering thatthe nearest course is in Englewood, N. J., fully six miles away. No, Mr.Piddie, I fear that even Jim Barnes at his best, relayed by Gil Nicholsand Walter Hagen, couldn't have made that drive."

  "They--they never use a--a rifle for such purposes, do they?" asksPiddie.

  "Not in the best sporting circles," says Old Hickory.

  "I suppose," puts in Mr. Robert, "that some golf enthusiast might havetaken it into his head to practice a shot from somewhere in theneighborhood."

  "That's logical," admits Old Hickory, "but from where did he shoot? Weare nineteen stories above the sidewalk, remember. I never saw a playerwho could loft a ball to that height."

  Which gives me an idea. "What if it was some golf nut who'd gone out ona roof?" I asks.

  "Thank you, Torchy," says Old Hickory. "From a roof, of course. I shouldhave made that deduction myself within the next half hour. The fellowmust be swinging away on the top of some nearby building. Let's see ifwe can locate him."

  Nobody could, though. Plenty of roofs in sight, from five to ten storieslower than the Corrugated buildin', but no mashie maniac in evidence.And while they're scoutin' around I takes another squint at the ball.

  "Say, Mr. Ellins," I calls out, "if it was shot from a roof how do youdope out this grass stain on it?"

  "Eh?" says Old Hickory. "Grass stain! Must be an old one. No, by thegreen turban of Hafiz, it's perfectly fresh! Even a bit of moist earthwhere the fellow took a divot. Young man, that knocks out your roofpractice theory. Now how in the name of the Secret Seven could thishappen? The nearest turf is in the park, across Broadway. But no golferwould be reckless enough to try out a shot from there. Besides, thiscame from a southerly direction. Well, son, what have you to offer?"

  "Me?" says I, stallin' around a bit and lookin' surprised. "Oh, Ididn't know I'd been assigned to the case of the mysterious golf ball."

  "You have," says Old Hickory. "You seem to be so clever in deducingthings and the rest of us so stupid. Here take another look at the ball.I presume that if you had a magnifying glass you could tell where itcame from and what the man looked like who hit it. Eh?"

  "Oh, sure!" says I, grinnin'. "That is, in an hour or so."

  That's the only way to get along with Old Hickory; when he startskiddin' you shoot the josh right back at him. I lets on to be examinin'the ball careful.

  "I expect you didn't notice the marks on it?" says I.

  "Where?" says he, gettin' out his glasses. "Oh, yes! The fellow hasused an indelible pencil to put his initials on it. I often do thatmyself, so the caddies can't sell me my own balls. He's made 'em ratherfaint, but I can make out the letters. H. A. And to be sure, he's put'em on twice."

  "Yes," says I, "they might be initials, and then again they might bemeant to spell out something. My guess would be 'Ha, ha!'"

  "What!" says Old Hickory. "By the Sizzling Sisters, you're right! Amessage! But from whom?"

  "Why not from Minnie?" I asks winkin' at Mr. Robert.

  "Minnie who?" demands Old Hickory.

  "Why, from Minnehaha?" says I, and I can hear Piddie gasp at my pullin'anything like that on the president of the Corrugated Trust.

  Old Hickory must have heard him, too, for he shrugs his shoulders andremarks to Piddie solemn: "Even brilliant intellects have their dullspots, you see. But wait. Presently this spasm of third rate comedy willpass and he will evolve some apt conclusion. He will tell us who sent mea Ha, ha! message on a golf ball, and why. Eh, Torchy?"

  "Guess I'll have to sir," says I. "How much time off do I get, a coupleof hours?"

  "The whole afternoon, if you'll solve the mystery," says he. "I am goingout to luncheon now. When I come back----"

  "That ought to be time enough," says I.

  Course nine-tenths of that was pure bluff. All I had mapped out then wasjust a hunch for startin' to work. When they'd all left the privateoffice I wanders over for another look from the punctured window. Thelower sash had been pushed half-way up when the golf ball hit it, and theshade had been pulled about two-thirds down. It was while I was runnin'the shade clear to the top that I discovers this square of red cardboardhung in the middle of the top sash.

  "Hah!" says I. "Had the window marked, did he?"

  Simple enough to see that a trick of that kind called for an insideconfederate. Who? Next minute I'm dashin' out to catch Tony, who runsexpress elevator No. 3.

  "Were the window washers at work on our floor this mornin'?" says I.

  "Sure!" says Tony, "What you miss?"

  "It was a case of direct hit," says I. "Where are
they now?"

  "On twenty-two," says Tony.

  "I'll ride up with you," says I.

  And three minutes later I've corralled a Greek glass polisher who'seatin' his bread and sausage at the end of one of the corridors.

  "You lobster!" says I. "Why didn't you hang that blue card in the rightwindow?"

  "Red card!" he protests, sputterin' crumbs. "I hang him right, me."

  "Oh, very well," says I, displayin' half a dollar temptin'. "Then yougot some more comin' to you, haven't you?"

  He nods eager and holds out his hand.

  "Just a minute," says I, "until I'm sure you're the right one. What wasthe party's name who gave you the job?"

  "No can say him name," says the Greek. "He just tell me hang card andgive me dollar."

  "I see," says I. "A tall, thin man with red whiskers, eh?"

  "No, no!" says he. "Short thick ol' guy, fat in middle, no whiskers."

  "Correct so far," says I. "And if you can tell where he hangs out----"

  "That's all," says the Greek. "Gimme half dollar."

  "You win," says I, tossin' it to him.

  But that's makin' fair progress for the first five minutes, eh? So far Iknew that a smooth faced, poddy party had shot a golf ball with "Ha,ha!" written on it into Old Hickory's private office. Must have beendone deliberate, too, for he'd taken pains to have the window markedplain for him with the red card. And at that it was some shot, I'll say.Couldn't have come from the street, on account of the distance. Thenthere was the grass stain. Grass? Now where----

  By this time I'm leanin' out over the sill down at the roofs of theadjoinin' buildings. And after I'd stretched my neck for a while Ihappens to look directly underneath. There it was. Uh-huh. A littlegreen square of lawn alongside the janitor's roof quarters. You knowyou'll find 'em here and there on office building roofs, even down inWall Street. And this being right next door and six or seven storiesbelow had been so close that we'd overlooked it at first.

  So now I knew what he looked like, and where he stood. But who was he,and what was the grand idea? It don't take me long to chase down to theground floor and into the next building. And, of course, I tackles theelevator starter. They're the wise boys. Always. I don't know why it is,but you'll generally find that the most important lookin' and actin'bird around a big buildin' is the starter. And what he don't know aboutthe tenants and their business ain't worth findin' out.

  On my way through the arcade I'd stopped at the cigar counter andinvested in a couple of Fumadoras with fancy bands on 'em. Tuckin' thesmokes casual into the starter's outside coat pocket I establishesfriendly relations almost from the start.

  "Well, son," says he, "is it the natural blond on the seventh, or thebrunette vamp who pounds keys on the third that you want to meet?"

  "Ah, come, Captain!" says I. "Do I look like a Gladys-hound? Nay, nay!I'm simply takin' a sport census."

  "Eh!" says he. "That's a new one on me."

  "Got any golf bugs in your buildin', Cap?" I goes on.

  "Any?" says he. "Nothing but. Say, you'll see more shiny hardware luggedout of here on a Saturday than----"

  "But did you notice any being lugged in today?" I breaks in.

  "No," says he. "It's a little early for 'em to start the season, and toonear the first of the week. Don't remember a single bag goin' in today."

  "Nor a club, either?" I asks.

  He takes off his cap and rubs his right ear. Seems to help, too. "Oh,yes," says he. "I remember now. There was an old boy carried one inalong about 10 o'clock. A new one that he'd just bought, I expect."

  "Sort of a poddy, heavy set old party with a smooth face?" I suggests.

  "That was him," says the starter. "He's a reg'lar fiend at it. But,then, he can afford to be. Owns a half interest in the buildin', Iunderstand."

  "Must be on good terms with the janitor, then," says I. "He couldpractice swings on the roof if he felt like it, I expect."

  "You've said it," says the starter. "He could do about what he likesaround this buildin', Mr. Dowd could."

  "Eh?" says I. "The Hon. Matt?"

  "Good guess!" says the starter. "You must know him."

  "Rather," says I. "Him and my boss are old chums. Golf cronies, too.Thanks. I guess that'll be all."

  "But how about that sport census?" asks the starter.

  "It's finished," says I, makin' a quick exit.

  And by the time I'm back in the private office once more I've untangledall the essential points. Why, it was only two or three days ago thatthe Hon. Matt broke in on Old Hickory and gave him an earful about hislatest discovery in the golf line. I'd heard part of it, too, while Iwas stickin' around waitin' to edge in with some papers for Mr. Ellinsto sign.

  Now what was the big argument? Say, I'll be driven to take up thisHoot-Mon pastime myself some of these days. Got to if I want to keep inthe swim. It was about some particular club Dowd claimed he had justlearned how to play. A mashie-niblick, that was it. Said it was revealedto him in a dream--something about gripping with the left hand so theknuckles showed on top, and taking the turf after he'd hit the ball.That gave him a wonderful loft and a back-spin.

  And I remember how Old Hickory, who was more or less busy at the time,had tried to shunt him off. "Go on, you old fossil," he told him. "Younever could play a mashie-niblick, and I'll bet twenty-five you can'tnow. You always top 'em. Couldn't loft over a bow-legged turtle, muchless a six foot bunker. Yes, it's a bet. Twenty-five even. But you'llhave to prove it, Matt."

  And Mr. Dowd, chucklin' easy to himself, had allowed how he would. "Toyour complete satisfaction, Ellins," says he, "or no money passes. Andwithin the week."

  As I takes another look down at the little grass plot on the roof I hasto admit that the Hon. Matt knew what he was talkin' about. He sure hadturned the trick. Kind of clever of him, too, havin' the window markedand all that. And puttin' the "Ha, ha!" message on the ball.

  I was still over by the window, sort of smilin' to myself, when OldHickory walks in, havin' concluded to absorb only a sandwich and a glassof milk at the arcade cafeteria instead of goin' to his club.

  "Well, young man," says he. "Have you any more wise deductions tosubmit?"

  "I've got all the dope, if that's what you mean, sir," says I.

  "Eh?" says he. "Not who and what and why?"

  I nods easy.

  "I don't believe it, son," says he. "It's uncanny. To begin with, whowas the man?"

  "Don't you remember havin' a debate not long ago with someone whoclaimed he could pull some wonderful stunt with a mashie-niblick?" saysI.

  "Why," says Old Hickory, "with no one but Dowd."

  "You bet him he couldn't, didn't you?" I asks.

  "Certainly," says he.

  "Well, he can," says I. "And he has."

  "Wha-a-at!" gasps Old Hickory.

  "Uh-huh!" says I. "It was him that shot in the ball with the Ha, ha!message on it."

  "But--but from where?" he demands.

  "Look!" says I, leadin' him to the window.

  "The old sinner!" says Mr. Ellins. "Why, that must be nearly one hundredfeet, and almost straight up! Some shot! I didn't think it was in him.Hagen could do no better. And think of putting it through a window.That's accuracy for you. Say, if he can do that in a game I shall beproud to know him. Anyway, I shall not regret handing over thattwenty-five."

  "It'll cost him nearly that to set another pane of plate glass," Isuggests.

  "No, Torchy, no," says Old Hickory, wavin' his hand. "Any person who canshow such marksmanship with a golf ball is quite welcome to---- Ah, justanswer that 'phone call, will you, son?"

  So I steps over and takes down the receiver. "It's the buildin'superintendent," says I "He wants to speak to you, sir."

  "See what he wants," says Old Hickory

  And I expect I was grinnin' some when I turns around after gettin' themessage. "He says somebody has been shootin' golf balls at the southside of the buildin' all the forenoon," says I, "and that seventeenpane
s of glass have, been smashed. He wants to know what he shall do."

  "Do?" says Old Hickory. "Tell him to send for a glazier."