Retreat

by Noelle Adams

  She knew very well that the excuses people used were ultimately meaningless.

  You either made a decision to live with someone in love or you didn’t.

  And Zeke had obviously already chosen against her.

  She swallowed over the pain in her throat and had to breathe for a minute before she was able to say with some semblance of her normal composure, “All right then. If that’s your decision.”

  She looked down at the keys in her hand, telling herself that crying wasn’t going to help anything. She was in control of herself. She could manage to get through the rest of this conversation.

  “I’m sorry,” he rasped. He was still holding himself very still. Even his hands were clenched at his sides.

  “I know.” She summoned the strength to give him a little smile. It was stretched, not genuine, but it was something. “Sometimes things just don’t work out.”

  Surely that would be enough.

  Surely now she’d be allowed to escape from this and sit in her car and cry.

  He gave a mute nod. Hesitated for just a moment.

  Then he turned around and walked away from her.

  She waited until he’d cleared the parking lot before she limped over to the driver’s seat and kind of fell in, her legs barely holding her up.

  She turned on the car.

  Then she breathed.

  And she breathed some more.

  She breathed as slowly and as evenly as she could until the tears weren’t threatening to overwhelm her.

  Then she was finally able to drive away.

  ***

  At twelve thirty the following day, Cecily was sitting at the kitchen table in Daniel and Jessica Duncan’s house in Willow Park.

  She’d given a two-and-a-half-hour session the night before on a Biblical approach to rest. Then she’d led a discussion in the Sunday school hour before the church’s normal worship service at eleven. She had one more talk to give this evening, and she would drive home tomorrow morning.

  She just had to get through lunch at the Duncans’, and then she could go back to her hotel room to let down and be alone.

  She thought she’d done a good job at keeping her composure and not showing how upset she was. She didn’t think anyone she’d talked to here in Willow Park knew she had a broken heart.

  She was glad of that.

  She didn’t want anyone to know.

  She wished she didn’t know herself.

  Jessica was scurrying around the kitchen, preparing lunch. Cecily’s offer to help had been graciously refused, so she was just sitting at the table until the meal was ready.

  “Okay,” Jessica finally said, after checking the stew in her Crock-Pot. She’d made a salad and put the bread in the oven, and there didn’t seem to be anything else that needed doing. “I think I’ve got it together.”

  Jessica was a few years younger than Cecily. She and Daniel had spent a long weekend at Balm in Gilead over the summer, and Cecily had immediately liked the quiet, intelligent woman, as much as she’d liked her smart, thoughtful husband.

  “Daniel will be down in a few minutes,” Jessica went on. “He’s putting Nathaniel down for his nap. Nathaniel wasn’t feeling good, and we didn’t want him to have to make it through lunch with a visitor. If we’re lucky, Daniel’s not trying to get a head start on his own nap himself. He pretty much collapses after church on Sundays, so I tell him it’s the one meal he doesn’t have to help me with.”

  Cecily chuckled. “That sounds reasonable.”

  “I actually like to cook a lot,” Jessica added. “I’m just not always as good at it as I’d like.”

  “Well, the stew smells delicious.”

  “Thanks. If we can get through a meal without Daniel laughing at my attempts, I call it a success.” Jessica’s face was fond and laughing, and it was very clear she adored her husband.

  Cecily usually loved to see couples who openly enjoyed each other, but today the other woman’s expression made her sad.

  She’d started to hope that maybe she could look and talk that way about Zeke, but evidently it was not meant to be.

  “Is something wrong?” Jessica asked softly, after too long of a silence had passed.

  Cecily straightened up and managed her expression. “No. Of course not.”

  Jessica was looking at her closely. “Are you sure? You just seem… sad or something. You have since yesterday. I noticed it right away. I was amazed you could do such a great job on your talks if you were… sad.”

  Cecily swallowed hard and admitted, “I guess I am a little sad.”

  “Is your family all right?”

  “There’s only my sister left. She’s fine though.”

  “So it’s a, uh, matter of the heart?” Jessica’s questions were gentle, so they didn’t feel like they were prying or intrusive.

  Cecily didn’t really know this woman, but she wanted to talk to someone, and Mercy was so far away. She said, “Yes. I guess I’m kind of predictable after all. I… was hoping for something that just didn’t work out.”

  Jessica nodded. She started to say something but stopped herself.

  “What were you going to say?” Cecily prompted.

  “Is it that guy with the beard who works the grounds?”

  Cecily actually gasped. “How did you know? There was nothing at all between us this summer when you visited.”

  Jessica gave her a little smile. “Well, there was something between you. I saw something. It just hadn’t come out into the open yet.”

  “Maybe.” Cecily thought about it and realized that Jessica could be right. She’d been completely unaware of it then, but maybe it had already been brewing between them.

  “Plus that guy looked at you like you were his moon and stars.”

  Cecily’s eyes widened. “He certainly did not!”

  “Yes, he did,” Jessica argued with a laugh. “I promise he did.”

  Cecily felt a hard tug in her heart at the idea, at the fantasy that Zeke had ever looked at her, felt about her, that way. Then she cleared her throat. “Well, if he did back then, he doesn’t anymore. We… started to have something, but he ended it.”

  Jessica was frowning thoughtfully. “Why?”

  Cecily shrugged. “I don’t even know, and I’m not sure it matters. He said I wanted him to be someone different, but it was just an excuse. The excuses don’t really matter when a relationship ends.”

  “Sometimes they do. Sometimes there’s a reason for them.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t even know,” Jessica admitted. “What do I know? I’ve made a mess of my relationship with Daniel plenty of times. But I do know that Daniel kept giving me excuse after excuse about why he couldn’t give me his heart, but they were all circling around something he needed to work out with God. His excuses meant something.”

  Cecily thought about this for a long time. Zeke did need to work something out with God. She’d been right when she’d asked him whether his problem with people was really a problem with God. And until he figured that out, he wasn’t going to be able to commit to a real relationship.

  Knowing that didn’t make her feel better though. “Yes. That makes sense. But I’m not sure how it helps me. Zeke still dumped me.”

  “Yeah. Did you… did you tell him that you want him for him? That you don’t want another man?”

  “Of course I did.” Cecily’s voice was raspy since this was the hardest thing for her to deal with. “He didn’t believe me.”

  “Did you try to make him believe it?”

  “How?”

  “I don’t know. Did you tell him again?”

  “I’m not really the kind of person who weeps and wails and makes a scene. If he doesn’t want me, then he doesn’t want me.”

  “Yeah. That’s true. Sometimes there’s nothing we can do, and the best thing is to accept it. But sometimes…” She paused, as if she were thinking through whether she should complete the thought. She did. “Some
times it’s worth a second try.”

  “Did you try a second time with Daniel?”

  Jessica laughed at that. “Are you kidding? I tried a ridiculous number of times. I proposed to him.”

  Cecily was so surprised by this that it broke her out of her slump. She straightened. “Are you serious?”

  “Yes,” Jessica admitted with a mischievous smile. “I told you Daniel was full of excuses. If I’d waited for him, we would have never gotten married. But we eventually worked it out. And he did get around to giving me a real proposal… a couple of months after we were married.”

  Cecily was fascinated and would have asked for more details, but she heard Daniel coming down the stairs. He’d changed into jeans and a T-shirt. He looked a little tired, but he was smiling at them.

  “What’s going on here?” he asked as he entered the kitchen. He looked from one of the women to the other, and his expression grew questioning. “You’re not talking about me, are you?”

  Jessica laughed. “As if you’d be an interesting topic of conversation for us.” She gave her husband a little swat with the dishcloth she still held.

  “What’s that smell?” Daniel asked, sniffing the air like a dog.

  Cecily sniffed too. It smelled just slightly like something was burning.

  Jessica gasped. “My bread!”

  Daniel laughed out loud as Jessica rushed to the oven, and then he gave his wife a hug from behind as she bemoaned the burned bottom of the loaf.

  Cecily watched them, her chest aching painfully.

  She had a good life. She was happy in it. But she had to admit she still wanted a relationship like Daniel and Jessica’s.

  And out of all the men in the world, she wanted it to be with Zeke.

  ***

  After lunch, which was very good despite the slightly burned bread, Cecily went back to her hotel to rest and think things through. She called Mercy and talked to her for a long time. Then she prayed and cried a little and got ready for her talk that evening.

  She was driving to the church when she finally decided on what to do.

  She loved Zeke. There was no denying that fact. And she would always wonder if she should have done a little more to keep him if she didn’t at least talk to him one more time.

  Jessica had said Zeke looked at her as if she were his moon and stars. Jessica was smart and sensible. She wasn’t prone to making things up or seeing things that weren’t there.

  Maybe she was right.

  Maybe Zeke just had to work out a few things in himself before he moved on.

  Maybe it wasn’t hopeless.

  So Cecily sat in her car in the Willow Park Presbyterian Church parking lot and pulled out her phone with trembling hands. She dialed Zeke and heard the call connect through the speakers in her car.

  It rang four times, and then a computerized voice told her to leave a message.

  In some ways, voice mail was easier, so Cecily started to speak. “Hi, Zeke. It’s me. Cecily. I know we were supposed to have settled things yesterday, but they don’t feel right to me. They feel… wrong. So I just wanted to call and talk. I wanted to tell you that… that I don’t want you to be a different man. I want both of us to grow and… and do better, but that doesn’t mean I want you to be someone else. I want you to be you. That’s the man I know. That’s the man I spent the past month with—the happiest month of my life.”

  Her voice was cracking with emotion, so she took a slow breath until she could continue. “If you don’t want to be with me, then I’ll accept it. You can go back to your job, and I’ll be okay, and we’ll get through it. But if you do want to be with me, you have to know that I don’t want you just because I was feeling lonely. You weren’t just there. You were you. And you are who I love.”

  She froze when she heard what she’d just said, but it was too late to take it back. Her eyes were blurry, and her hands were still trembling, so she knew she needed to wrap it up. “Okay. That’s all I wanted to say. I’ve got this talk for the next two hours, but you can call me after that if you want.”

  She disconnected the call and sat shaking for a minute. People were starting to arrive for the evening’s session. She saw Daniel’s brother, Micah, with his wife and two daughters walking to the door of the church. Then she saw another man standing next to a car, holding a toddler boy by the hand. She couldn’t remember the man’s name, but she remembered from meeting him last night that he was a surgeon at the local hospital. As she watched, his wife got out of the car, pulling a girl wearing glasses and pigtails who had evidently been reading a book.

  When Cecily looked in the other direction, she saw an attractive redhead woman and a handsome older man having a serious discussion next to their car with a pretty preteen girl who was sticking out her lip in a pout.

  Cecily felt tears burn in her eyes.

  All these people—normal people—who had managed to find someone they loved, someone who wanted to build a life with them.

  She’d always wondered why no one had ever really wanted to do that with her.

  She was trying to pull herself together when she realized someone was waving at her from the parking lot.

  She recognized the small, very pregnant brunette immediately. Sophie Davenport, the wife of Mark, who was the brother of John, who had stayed at Balm in Gilead earlier this year.

  Cecily smiled and waved back, making herself get out of the car and not act like she was falling apart.

  Sophie looked pleased to see her, but her smile faded slightly as Cecily walked across the parking lot toward her. “Are you okay?”

  “Of course I am,” Cecily said, settling back into her normal composure. “How are you?”

  “I’m fine. Mark and I have surprise guests. I thought maybe you’d like to see them.”

  Cecily had no idea who she was talking about until she saw John Davenport and his fiancé Betsy—whom Cecily had known since childhood—come around the car with Mark.

  They were both very happy to see her, and Cecily chatted with them as they went inside.

  Both John and Betsy looked so happy.

  Cecily was glad for them. She really was. They were getting married soon.

  But she was also a little sad since it was just more proof that everyone else could find someone to love them.

  Everyone but her.

  She wondered if Zeke had heard her message yet.

  She wondered if he would even care.

  “Is something wrong, Cecily?” Betsy asked, pulling her aside as they entered the building.

  “Of course not,” Cecily replied, trying not to let the frustration or the emotion reflect in her voice. “Why does everyone keep asking me that? Do I look terrible or something?”

  “No! Not at all. You always look beautiful and perfectly pulled together. It’s just that… that you’ve always had this perfect peace and composure about you, and for the first time since I’ve known you, it looks like it’s about to crack.”

  Cecily actually laughed a little at this. That was exactly how she felt. Like she was about to shatter.

  But she shook herself off and said with a smile, “Well, it’s not going to crack. I promise.”

  Betsy had always had a no-nonsense look about her, but her eyes were soft and concerned. “Okay. Maybe we can talk afterward. I’d love to catch up.”

  “Sure.” Cecily smiled at her. She appreciated the concern. She appreciated that people cared about her. It reminded her she wasn’t alone.

  But she was just about at the edge of her rope here, and she still had to give an hour’s talk to a packed sanctuary.

  The next few minutes passed in a blur, and before she knew what was happening, she was standing at a lectern, her notes in front of her, and she was giving her practiced opening.

  She was doing fine, despite her emotional turmoil.

  She was good at this.

  Everyone was listening. Everyone seemed to want to hear what she had to say.

  She had some good thi
ngs to share with them, some things that could be very helpful, some things that needed saying in a world that was too busy and too lazy both, a world that had forgotten what real rest even looked like.

  She was saying words she knew by heart when a motion at the back of the sanctuary caught her attention.

  She saw someone coming in. Someone with a beard and broad shoulders. She was so caught up in her talk that it didn’t even register immediately.

  Then she blinked as she realized it was Zeke standing at the end of the middle aisle that divided the pews.

  It was Zeke, wearing a black suit and a bright blue tie, which looked as foreign on him as anything could. Zeke, carrying a wrapped bouquet of red roses. Zeke, staring at her silently, his heart in his eyes.

  She stopped talking.

  She knew what his presence here meant. It couldn’t mean anything else. He must have driven all the way across the state, and the drive would have taken hours. He was wearing a suit—which he didn’t even own—and carrying the roses. He’d told her he would never do that. He’d told her what that would mean. She wasn’t about to misunderstand it.

  It was Zeke.

  Her Zeke.

  Standing here in front of a room full of strangers.

  He must have changed his mind.

  He’d worked something out with God. He’d come after her. He’d given up his retreat at last. He’d gone back into battle.

  For her.

  Her composure did more than crack. It shattered like crystal. She raised a hand to her mouth as she made a sound that was almost a sob.

  Everyone in the pews was looking back and forth between Zeke and Cecily in confusion or interest. Betsy, in the second row, was starting to beam excitedly, as if she understood exactly what was happening.

  Cecily stumbled out from behind the lectern.

  Zeke hadn’t moved. Hadn’t said a word. Everything she needed to know was there in his eyes.

  She was half crying, half laughing as she hurried up the aisle to reach him. He grabbed her as soon as she was at arm’s length and pulled her into an embrace that threatened to crack her ribs.

  “I’m sorry,” Zeke murmured hoarsely, his face buried against her neck. “I’m so sorry. I love you more than anything. And if I need to change for you, I will.”