Dual Desires (Triple Threat Book 3)

by Bella Jeanisse

  “Where’re you going?” Chad exhaled loudly.

  I looked up at him. “Get me your hair gel and a hair tie. I’ll make it look good.” I missed when I used to mess with his hair.

  He smiled and put me on the couch. In less than a minute, he sat between my legs on the floor. I used his shoulders to get closer to him. Then I ran my fingers through his hair. It was so soft and long. I used both hands as best as I could make a neat, slicked back ponytail. His hair was a bit bushy in the back. I added more hair gel and worked my fingers through it, to tam his gorgeous locks.

  When I was done, I leaned his head back into my lap and kissed his lips. “You look so handsome.”

  He turned around and straddled my legs. “I love you, baby.” He leaned down and kissed my lips deeply. “You’re unbelievably beautiful.”

  I smiled. “Love you too.”

  “We have to go.” When I was on my feet, he put my arm in the sling that was on the coffee table. “If it bothers your neck, I’ll take it off for a while.” Then he grabbed the crutch and helped me get it in place.

  We walked slowly to the garage. Giovanni’s Harley was parked inside. I backed into Chad, slightly freaked out. My breath quickened as I imagined him on it.

  “Crystal, I’m sorry. I forgot it was in here.” Chad picked me up and walked with me to his van. Our mothers followed close behind. He put me down and opened the passenger door to the van.

  Then anxiety really kicked in. “No. No. I’m not getting in there.” I backed up a few steps and slid along the side of the van. “It’s gonna happen again. I can’t lose you too.”

  A hand pressed to my back. “It’s OK,” Chad’s mom told me. “We can all go in my car.”

  Chad closed the door and carried me to his mom’s car. We sat in the backseat together. When the car started to move, I clutched him. “Shh, I’m here.”

  All the way there, I jumped every time I heard a loud engine sound. Memories flooded my mind. I felt the pain of glass in my face, and my elbow throbbed. Then I heard Giovanni’s groans of pain. By the time we were in the funeral home’s parking lot, I shook with fear.

  Chad sat in the car with me and held my hand as I calmed down. Our moms got out and went inside. When the fear waned, anxiety returned. I reached up and touched my engagement ring. After a deep breath, I pushed away the tears that threatened. Then I squeezed Chad’s hand.

  He leaned over and kissed my lips. “I’m here for you.” Soon, he carried me in his arms to the building then up the stairs.

  Chapter 27

  Rosario was just inside the door. He opened it for us then kissed my forehead. “How ya doing?” He was in a sharp black suit, very handsome.

  I looked at him. No words came to me. Overwhelmed again by too many emotions, I clung to Chad as tight as I could. I again thought I couldn’t handle what I had to do. Goodbye was too final.

  Chad put me down when we got on the carpet. I instantly faltered, but Chad and Rosario caught me. When I was steady, I grabbed Chad’s hand. He lifted it and kissed my palm.

  “I’m right here,” he whispered. “It’s gonna be OK.”

  My mother hurried to us with my crutch. I groaned. I didn’t want to use it. However, I took it and put it under my arm.

  Chris soon came to us and hugged me. “I’ll be here too. Just let me know if you need something.”

  “Help me get her jacket off.” Chad looked at Chris. “She’s still learning to stand and walk in the casts.” They worked together and got it off without me falling.

  I looked around the comfortable lobby. There were couches and chairs everywhere. I could see many people I knew there. Jon, Tommy and Dominic were there. A few members from Silverblade and Wicked End sat with them. There were a few of Giovanni’s other friends and some of his family around as well. I didn’t see our fathers anywhere, although I knew they would be there.

  “Mom wants you with us,” Rosario softy told me as he lightly touched my right shoulder. “The first hour is just for family. I’ll meet you up there. My mom needs me.” He kissed my cheek and disappeared beyond a doorway to the right.

  I looked to Chad, nervous about my erratic emotional state.

  Chad squeezed my hand. “You’ll be fine, and if you need me, someone’ll come get me.”

  “And we’ll have time to talk, finally,” Chris insisted. “Right, Chad?”

  Chad sighed. “Yeah, OK.” He put an arm around my back from my right side. “We’ll take you inside and help you get settled.”

  I nodded as Chris stayed to my left. They let me set the pace, and I was glad for it. When we crossed the threshold of the room, I stopped. My anxiety grew deeper because I knew what waited at the other end. Giovanni’s mother, his aunts and uncle sat in the front row of chairs in the room. Flowers lined all the walls. It had become way too real for me.

  “It’s OK,” Chad whispered. “You just have to get through this. Close your eyes if you have to.”

  “Please don’t leave me,” I said through tears. “I can’t do this. I wanna go home.” Sure I was about to freak out, I pulled back. Isn’t the medicine supposed to prevent this?

  Chad tugged me into his arms, which made the crutch fall. “If we want to get on with our lives, we gotta do this. You need to see he’s really gone. You need to cry and miss him. You need to let yourself grieve for him.” When I calmed, he let me go. “Forget this.” He leaned my crutch against a wall.

  I reluctantly let him and Chris pull me to where Rosario stood. He blocked my view of Giovanni’s casket, which I was grateful for. My eyes closed as we moved closer to him. Chris and Chad pulled away from me, and Rosario took my hand.

  When I opened my eyes, I almost fainted. I stared at Giovanni, who lay in the coffin. Suddenly, I slid to the floor and screamed. I wailed and sobbed. Reality hit me hard. My heart broke all over again. I saw him in the van, bloody… He tried to breathe… He tried to stay alive for me.

  “Don’t leave me!”

  Someone tried to pick me up.

  “No, leave her,” Rosario said. “She’s his fiancée. She needs to do this.” He knelt on the floor with me and took me in his arms.

  I cried on his shoulder and clung to his shirt. No one could have predicted my reaction. Guilt, fear, anxiety, heartache… you name it, I felt it. I didn’t know how to deal with it. Rosario talked to me softly and held me close, until I started to get quiet. Then he picked me up and put me in a chair next to their mother. On my right side, Giovanni’s mom, Maria, reached over. She put her hand over my cast and laced her fingers with mine. I kept my eyes closed, afraid to see Giovanni again. I couldn’t deal with it again, not yet. Rosario picked up my left hand and held it tightly.

  “He’s still with you,” Maria softly stated. “He loved you so much. I know he could never really leave you. You’ll feel him touch you one day. I’m sure of it.” She put her other hand on mine as well. “I keep thinking of that first night you came for Sunday dinner. He treated you so special. I knew then that he loved you.”

  I looked at her as tears still streamed down my face. “When does the pain go away?” I knew she would know. She lost her husband years ago. I hated to ask, because I didn’t know if I wanted the answer, especially if it was bad.

  She closed her eyes for a second then replied, “When love fills your heart again. No matter where it comes from. You’re so young. You’ll fall in love again. Until then, just think of the happy times.”

  I turned back and closed my eyes again. There were a lot of happy moments with Giovanni over the years. They flew by like a movie. Trips to clubs together, mornings in bed, making love with him, his tender touch, at the drums without a shirt. I smiled with those thoughts. She was right, that helped. I felt a little better.

  I squeezed Rosario’s hand and turned to him. “Does he have the earring I gave him on? The one with his birthstone? He was wearing it that day.”

  “Yes,” Rosario whispered to me. “I told them you wanted him to wear it.” He put his ar
m around me and squeezed my shoulder. I cried out. Rosario got up quick. “I’m sorry.” He pulled the short sleeve of my dress up and checked my shoulder. “Oh, the stitches are out. I thought I popped one.”

  “Oh my, Crystal.” His mom was surprised. “I didn’t know you had more wounds.” She hugged me, carefully. “You’re in more pain than you let on, huh?”

  I forced a smile. She didn’t need me to add to her grief. “I’m OK.”

  She pulled back and handed me what I thought was a wad of black lace. “Put this over your head.” She glanced at my arm. “Oh.” Then she opened the piece of fabric and laid it over my head. Some of it fell over my forehead. She touched my arm then turned to Rosario. “Give me my shawl. She’s cold.”

  I was a little chilly but didn’t want to complain. Maria draped the black shawl over my shoulders. It was nice, but I felt guilty. She treated me like her son’s widow. When I settled back, I kept my eyes locked onto the carpet.

  As more relatives arrived, they immediately came to me after they told Maria how sorry they were. Some people I knew and some I didn’t. They all looked into my eyes and mentioned they had heard about me from Giovanni, which made tears fall. I had no idea he talked about me to his family.

  Gavin and Cameron stopped in front of me for a few minutes. Gavin cupped my face and kissed my forehead. “We’re here if you need us, kid.”

  “Yeah,” Cameron added. “For anything.” He kissed my cheek. “We’ll be with Josh and Will.”

  Chad sat behind me. “How she doing?” He touched my shoulder, while I spoke to a cousin who had traveled from Boston.

  Rosario exhaled loudly. “She’s holding it together somewhat. But in her eyes, I can tell she’s overwhelmed.”

  When the cousin had moved on, I leaned back on Chad. “Help me to the ladies room.” I didn’t really have to go, but I wanted to stop the tears.

  Chad came around and lifted me to my feet. I grabbed him as my legs went out. That had become frustrating. “I’ll just carry you, baby.” When we got downstairs to the restroom door, Chad sighed. “Uh, I can’t go in there with you. Not here.”

  “How am I gonna do it then?” I pulled my bottom lip in, on the verge of tears again.

  Just then, a man in a black suit came out of an office. “Ma’am, you can use my private bathroom.” He beckoned us inside. “While you’re here, feel free to use this one when you have to. I see you need your husband’s help.” He opened a door on the far side and smiled. “I’ll keep my office unlocked for you.”

  “Thank you,” I managed, as I fought the overwhelming need to start to bawl again.

  Chad shifted me a bit. “You have no idea how much easier you made this for us.” When he had locked the door behind us, he put me down. “If you gotta cry, I’m right here. Please just let it out.” He wrapped his arms around me and cradled my head.

  * * *

  When Chad and I got back to Giovanni’s room, more people had come. It was very loud. Chad sat behind me, hands on my shoulders. He tried to be respectful of Giovanni’s family. It showed his true character. The line to pay respects to Giovanni was long. All of them told Maria, Rosario and I how sorry they were. It was no easy task to keep from crying or reminiscing. A few times, I leaned back, and Chad hugged me to get me through.

  The never-ending condolences became a blur. However, I was glad they kept me from seeing Giovanni. Most the faces looked the same after a while. Once in a while, my parents came to check on me. They stayed on a couch on the right side of the room with Chad’s parents. Close enough to support us, yet far away enough to let us do what we had to.

  Maria and the rest of the family were shocked by the sheer amount of visitors. I was at first. Then I realized who we were attracted them. We had a lot of fans and friends. It seemed they all knew about Giovanni’s death.

  When the first session ended, Chris came to us as we stood together in the middle of the room. “Are you guys coming with us to Midway Diner?”

  “Rosario asked us to go to Tzatziki’s with some of his family.” Chad put an arm around my shoulders. “Being his fiancée, it’s really her obligation to go.”

  I was exhausted from the emotional roller coaster. Since I needed his support, I leaned on Chad’s chest and listened. I would go wherever he took me.

  “Chad, ride with us,” Rosario called out.

  The restaurant was quiet. Soft music played. Maria sat me next to Giovanni’s Uncle Antonio. I knew him, and he was easy to talk to. All I could think of was the Christmas Eve we spent at his house. I squeezed Chad’s hand, once the memories got to be too much.

  “Excuse us,” Chad said to those around us and carefully pulled me to the hallway where the restrooms were. “You OK?”

  I looked up at him. “I can’t stop thinking about him. I feel like my heart’s empty and broken again.” I leaned on his chest. “I can’t believe there’s two more days of this.”

  He caressed my hair. “I know, baby girl. We’ll get through this together.” Then he took my face in his hands and kissed me several times. “I love you.”

  “I love you too,” I whispered.

  He looked into my eyes. “You need to drink some of your water at least. Otherwise you’re just gonna feel even worse.”

  “K.” I sniffled, but I didn’t want to cry.

  Chad sighed loudly. “Let it out. Please.” I gripped his shirt tightly but refused to give in. “Holding it in is even worse. Don’t worry about me, just cry.”

  “I—I—I…” I shut my eyes, not able to talk.

  Suddenly, Rosario asked, “Is she OK?”

  Then I lost it. Tears streamed down my face, and I sobbed loudly while my knees gave out.

  “Shit!” Chad cried out as he caught me just in time. He held me up against his body and stroked my hair. “Let it out. Let it all out.” His lips touched my forehead as he softly assured me. “We’ll get through this together. I swear.”

  When I was able to lift my head, Rosario was still next to us. He held a fistful of tissues. “My aunt gave me these for you.”

  I took one from him and blew my nose then wiped my eyes with another. “Thank you.” It came out as a whisper.

  “Let me get you some water.” Chad kissed my head again and lifted me up. “Rosario, get her chair for me.”

  Chad sat me down. I felt all eyes on me. They must have heard me crying. I looked at my hands and gripped the tissue I held tightly.

  “Is she better now?” someone asked.

  Chad draped an arm over the back of my chair. His fingers grazed my arm. “Yeah.” He tapped my shoulder. “Drink some.” He held a glass to my lips.

  I took a few sips then leaned my head on him. “Can we go home? Please?”

  “No. Sorry.”

  * * *

  By the end of the evening session of the wake, I still had not looked at Giovanni again. All the visitors had left. It was only Giovanni’s immediate family with Chad and I. Rosario was to take us home. So when he came to me and helped me stand up, I thought it was time to leave. Instead, he lead me to the casket.

  “No. No. No!” I tried to pull away as I shut my eyes tight.

  “Rosario, cut it out,” Chad protested.

  “Look, man. She needs to do this.” Rosario lifted my chin. “You need to look at him.”

  I touched the ring Giovanni gave me. “No, I don’t.”

  “You do,” Rosario insisted. “You keep avoiding him. It’ll never be real in your mind until you see he’s really dead.”

  Chad grabbed my hand. “You’re gonna make it worse. I know her. She said goodbye to him already. Stop making her re-live this shit over and over again.”

  “I know what I’m doing,” Rosario angrily replied then yanked me away from Chad. “Crystal, look at him.” He cupped my chin. “Open your eyes.”

  I did, slowly and wanted to die again. I fell down and bawled once more. “Why did God take him and not me?” I cried out. Giovanni looked like he was asleep but not like in the m
orgue. In the morgue, he looked like my Giovanni, just cold.

  I touched the tattoo on my leg that he had the duplicate of. “He wanted everyone to know I was his.”

  Rosario bent down and looked at it. “It’s a nice piece.”

  “He has one too. On the same leg.”

  Rosario pulled me up. He led me closer to Giovanni. “He looks like he’s asleep, doesn’t he? Feels like he could talk to us, huh?”

  “I know he can’t talk,” I countered. “I felt him dying, slipping away right before my eyes. He held on for me. He was in so—o much pain. Then he was gone.” I wailed loudly, “Why didn’t he fight harder? How could he leave me?”

  Rosario hugged me. “I don’t know. Everyone has a time to go, and I guess that was his. You know if it was up to him he’d still be here. He loved you so much. He would never wanna break your heart on purpose.”

  I pulled back from Rosario and looked at Giovanni. It wasn’t him. He was really gone. I missed him more than ever. I missed everything about him. The way he looked, the way he felt, the way he sounded, the taste of his skin. Too many things to think of. I closed my eyes and felt him make love to me the day he died, just before we left.

  My tears fell faster. I never got to say goodbye before he died. Never said I was sorry for all the times I cheated on him. I was such an awful girlfriend. I should have been faithful, loved him more, and done more for him. Unable to move and consumed by grief, I stood there.

  “See what you did?” Chad was furious. Arms encircled me. “Baby, talk to me. Tell me you’re OK.”

  I looked up but saw right through him, not able to focus.

  “Why couldn’t you just listen to me?” Chad held my head to his chest. “Breathe, baby, just breathe. It’ll be over in a few days.”

  Chapter 28

  Every dream I remembered that night, Giovanni and I made love. I woke up on my side with Chad’s naked body pressed against mine from behind again. I thought he was Giovanni and the dreams had been real. His arm was around my chest. A hand cupped my left breast. All I had to do was look down to see the music notes on his forearm. I didn’t though.