After a long time, I watched infomercials because nothing else was on. It was about three o’clock in the morning. My mind had shut down from the pain. All that was left was emptiness. I tried to cry, but I had no more tears. It was strange. I longed to feel something, anything.
“How’d you get in here?” Chad asked as he came into the room. “You need sleep. You’re gonna end up back in the hospital.” He lifted me up and carried me back to his room. When he laid down and faced me, he sighed. “Even if I have to shove one of those sleeping pills down your throat, you’re going to get some rest.” He brushed the hair out of my face and caressed my cheek. “Talk to me. Please.”
I reached out and played with his hair. My pinky grazed his neck several times on purpose. When he sighed, I pulled him closer. “Chad, I want to feel something. Kiss me.” He pecked my lips. “No. I want you.”
He put his arm around me. “That’s just your sorrow talking. You don’t need that. You need to heal. We just buried him. He’d hate me if I came on to you now. Tomorrow.”
I pulled him on top on me forcefully. He was so shocked that he didn’t resist. I held his face close to mine and kissed his lips repeatedly in the hope it would help. It didn’t. “Chad, make love to me. Please. I can’t stand it.”
“We can’t.” He tried to pull away, but I hooked my good leg around his back and held him down.
I reached into his pajama bottoms. “Yes.” I breathed against his neck.
“I can’t do this, tonight.” Chad panted in my ear as his cock thickened. “Please stop, Crystal.” He sighed. “This is so wrong, baby. This won’t help.”
With my mouth back on his lips, I stroked his shaft. “Please Chad, I need you.”
He returned my next kiss. I was sure I almost had him convinced. My nails raked the sensitive spot on his neck. He gasped and ground his cock into my hand. His arms shook, and his resistance waned. With a smirk, I dragged my lips over his jaw then to his neck. My teeth sank into his favorite spot.
“Fuck!” Chad was suddenly a whirlwind of movement. Before I knew it, he had buried his cock into me. “Do you always have to win?” He groaned as he circled his hips. Then he leaned down and thrust his hips a few times. When I didn’t react to any of his motions, he looked into my eyes. “What’s wrong? This was your idea.”
It was weird. I felt nothing still. “I don’t know.” Involuntarily, I tensed my vaginal muscles. I felt his desire for me. My eyes closed as Giovanni came to mind again. Help me forget. “Chad, harder. Please.” I pulled his hair. He complied, but it wasn’t enough. “Chad. Hurt me.” Giovanni made pain feel good. “Hurt me, like he did,” I whispered.
Chad froze. “I can’t hurt you.”
“Please. I can’t take it anymore. If you love me you’ll do it for me.”
“No. I’d do anything for you… except that. Nothing you can say would make me hurt you on purpose.”
“Please. I need to feel something. Do something.”
He pulled out and exhaled loudly. “I don’t know what to do.” He rolled us to our sides and held me close. “Baby, I can’t take away your grief. I’m hurting too. Giovanni was like my brother, but it killed me you were with him. I still can’t believe he’s gone. That’s why I can’t sleep. I feel so fucking guilty. I wanted you guys to break up… but not like this. You’re the only thing holding me together.”
I leaned my head on his shoulder and got as close as I possibly could to him. My grief overwhelmed me so much I hadn’t had the strength to be there for him. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I’m making it worse for him. I sensed the helplessness in his heart. When tears dropped onto my forehead, I pursed my lips and shimmed up the bed to hold him closer. It wasn’t fair that he couldn’t grieve as well. He pressed his cheek to mine.
“I love you more than anything,” Chad whispered between sniffles. “I wanna make it better. I really do, but I just can’t.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Then I completely broke down.
Chad tried his best to soothe me as we cried together, but it was pointless. I was just a total wreck. That day was so hard and final. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I wanted it all to go away, and it wouldn’t. He had a hand in my hair and the other on my thigh. I cried for so long, I thought I would never stop.
My eyes closed. Giovanni I need you. Help me. Suddenly, a hand rubbed my back. Peace came over me, and my tears stopped. It made no sense. I opened my eyes. “Chad, did you touch my back?”
He looked at me. “No. I didn’t move.”
I closed my eyes again and swore I smelled Giovanni’s cologne. The peaceful feeling continued. Then I heard, “I’m here for you, my love. It’s gonna be OK.” Tears came to my eyes again but not from grief. I knew that had been Giovanni’s voice. How’s that possible? Am I cracking up? Or is he really talking to me?
“What is it, Crystal?”
“I feel Giovanni. I can smell his cologne and hear his voice telling me it’s OK,” I explained. “I don’t feel sad anymore.”
Chad moved his hands to my back and caressed my skin. “Baby, he’s gone. I’m so sorry.” He lifted his head and kissed my lips several times. “I’m here for you, baby. It’s gonna be OK.”
I smiled at the words he chose. Maybe he heard them too? “I’ll take the sleeping pill if you’ll take one too.”
Chapter 32
Chad and I were in the bathtub the next morning when there was a knock on the front door. “Will you be OK for a minute?”
“Yeah.” I made sure not to move. The last thing we needed was me to slip again.
He walked back in the room, less than a minute later. “It’s Rosario. He’s in the other bathroom.”
“Cool.” I sighed as he washed my upper thighs and kneaded the muscles a bit. I had started to use muscles I hadn’t in a while. “Ow.”
Chad’s head whipped around. “What?”
“Just a knot in my leg. You pinched it or something.”
He frowned. “Sorry.” He gently worked the tight muscle. “Do you feel better than last night? You look happier.”
“Yeah.” I did feel better, yet still a bit sad.
Just as Chad rinsed my lower body, Rosario poked his head in the bathroom. “Whoa!” He stared for a few seconds. “Uh… Um… Need help?” He put his hands in front of his crotch.
“I’m just washing her.” Chad glared at him. “Stop staring.” He threw the washcloth over my breasts.
Rosario sighed and turned his head. “Sorry. I’ll go inside.” Then he walked away.
Chad called out to him, “Giovanni.”
Rosario came back in the bathroom. “You called me Giovanni, Chad.”
Chad looked up at him. “Sorry. I really miss him too. The three of us did a lot together over the years.” He took a deep breath. “Can you go in the dresser next to you and get one of Giovanni’s T-shirts and underwear for her? Wait, pants too.”
When Rosario was out of view, Chad climbed over me and crouched over my middle. His boxers were soaked and clung to his skin. I couldn’t help but notice it, even through the bitter sadness that lingered. I could feel his love for me with every touch. I hated that I was not able to help myself, but Chad made it all right. He loved to take care of me.
After he was done, I noticed a pile of clothes on the vanity. Once I was completely dressed, Chad helped me up, and we walked to the living room. We moved slowly, so I wouldn’t stumble.
“Should I say anything about the baby?” I was anxious to know if I truly carried Giovanni’s child.
Chad stopped and closed his eyes for a few seconds then stared into mine. “Not until we know for sure.” He quickly checked for Rosario. “When’d you have your period last?”
“Just after Christmas.”
He exhaled loudly. “Oh.”
I knew he calculated in his head. If my cycle were regular, we could guess if I had ovulated when the condom broke. However, I was far from regular. It could be several months before I menstruated again.
“Don’t mention it.” He kissed my forehead. “We’ll know Friday.”
Rosario stood by the front window when we entered the room. He turned when Chad set me on the couch. “It’s weird being here without him. I know I met you before Giovanni did, but it’s been a long time since just me and you hung out.” He sighed, as he stared outside. “Not sure how I’m gonna go the rest of my life without him.”
Chad went to Rosario and put a hand on his shoulder. “Me neither. Maybe time will help.”
“Maybe.” Rosario shrugged. Then he sat next to me and pulled a set of envelopes from his pocket. “He sent me these a coupla weeks ago. Said he was paranoid somethin’ was gonna happen to him. How in the world’d he know?” He looked into my eyes.
I bit my lip. I wanted to stay strong for him. “He talked about death a lot. It upset me like you wouldn’t believe. After we almost got into an accident with the bike, he talked more about it. Like he thought he should’ve died then. It broke my heart, but he couldn’t help it.”
“What’s in the envelopes?” Chad asked. Rosario handed them to Chad. “Letters?” Chad handed me one that had my name on it.
I opened it and read only the first line before tears came. “I can’t. Chad read it to me. Please.”
Chad looked at it then started to read:
“To my one and only love,
I’m writing this as you are still under the effects of your sleeping pill. You’re so beautiful lying next to me. You know I love to watch you sleep. We’ve had a lot of good times together, and you always make me feel so good inside. I’m sorry you have to go through this, but death is the one place you can’t return from. I know you miss me, but life isn’t over for you.
I want you to know just how much I love you, in case I don’t tell you the day I leave you. You’re everything to me, and I love you with all my heart, mind and soul. I hope we have already gotten married and had our baby by the time you read this. That is how I see our future. If we didn’t get a chance to do that then I’m sorry.
Please keep making music. Your dreams can continue without me. If it wasn’t for us getting the band together, you and I would have never met. Don’t let it die with me. Find someone to replace me and go on. We’re so close to where we want to be. Don’t give up just because I’m gone. I know how much you love music. I want you to succeed and have everything you want in life.
Don’t forget what I asked Chad to do if I had to leave you. I want you to be with him. Grieve for me but not too long. I had a happy life with you no matter how long it was. You’re too special to be alone. Let yourself fall in love with Chad. Marry him and have lots of babies. He’ll take care of you and our child if we got that far. He loves you just as much as I do. He can make you happy. He’s the only one I trust to keep you safe.
If you have to show this to my family to make them understand then go ahead. But don’t let anyone stop you from loving Chad. Please don’t feel like moving on too fast will hurt me. Nothing can hurt me anymore. You do it in your own time. You’re so strong and amazing. I know you can get through your pain quickly.
Please remember that I told you I promised to always be with you even when I’m gone. I was serious. I’ll rub your back or touch your hair with love when you need me or maybe whisper to you what you need to hear. I’ll find a way, somehow, my love. I miss you already.
Love Giovanni”
I cried so hard by the end, I couldn’t see. Chad took me in his arms. Rosario rubbed my back. I imagined Giovanni in bed next to me as he wrote the letter. Filled with the need to feel him, I pulled up my good leg and touched the tattoo we had shared.
Chad pulled away a bit and touched it with me. “He’ll always be in your heart. I know that.” He lowered his voice. “It’s OK to love us both.”
On my other side, Rosario laced his fingers with mine. “He made you promise to be with Chad?”
I could only nod.
“Stubborn bastard.” Rosario let out a short chuckle. “Only he could pick out who you have to be with after him.” He sighed. “Too bad you guys didn’t have a kid. I’d like a nephew or niece to spoil.”
My eyes caught Chad’s. He gave me a look that said not to say anything. If we told Rosario about the possible pregnancy, it could become complicated. He might also be disappointed if I weren’t pregnant.
Chad suddenly opened his letter and read it to us:
“Chad,
You’ve been a good friend (most of the time), and I know how much you love my Crystal. I know you won’t forget the promise you made to me. Please love my Crystal with all you heart, mind and soul like I did. Keep her safe and secure. Help her through her grief in any way you see fit. Fill her empty heart even when she thinks it’s too soon. She needs to feel loved, so she can move on. Kiss her as she grieves. Hold her hand and tell her it’ll be OK. Hug her when she cries and wipe away her tears. Just be you.
Make sure you marry her and take care of our kid if we got that far. If we didn’t, have a baby with her and watch the butterflies on her belly grow with her. Tell her everyday that you love her and how beautiful she is. Bring her flowers and make her smile. And never take her for granted. Treasure every moment you have with her, because you don’t know how many you’ll have.
As I wrote to Crystal, don’t let the band die with me. We replaced my brother, and it worked out well. You guys will do fine with another drummer. Drag Crystal with you if you need to, but get her to keep playing. She loves music. She’ll need extra support the first few times, but you know what to do. Remind her it’s her chosen career, and I want her to do it. If you have to, tell her if she ever loved me, she would keep playing even if it was just for me.
And finally, I want you to have my bike, if I still have it. I only bought it to get Crystal to ride it with me. She likes it more than I do. I love how she holds on tight when we’re on the highway. You’ll see. Take her out to the river and watch the boats or the sunset. She’ll like that.
Giovanni”
Chad had tears on his cheeks also by the time he was done. He pulled me closer to him and kissed my lips softly. “I love you, baby girl.”
Rosario took his hand off me. I heard him take a deep breath and open his letter. He read it to us also:
“Rosario,
What can I say big brother? You’ve taught me so much. Thank you. I love you, and I know you miss me. The pain and grief will pass. Now you need to take care of Mom. Move her to where you’re stationed so she’s not alone. She’ll need your help with her grief. Tell her I’m sorry for going before her, and I love her. Please get married and give mom some grandkids. If Crystal and I had the baby, make sure mom spends time with him or her. She talked a lot about being a grandma one day.
Don’t be mad. But I asked Chad to marry Crystal and take care of her if anything ever happened to me, and it did. Please, let them be happy. No matter how soon they get together. Crystal’s very fragile and needs a lot of love and support. Anyway, she loves him. I wrote in Chad’s letter that I want him to have the Harley for Crystal. She loves that bike. I only got it to impress her. You know that.
If you get enough leave, help Crystal and Chad clear out the apartment. She’ll have to stay with Chad from now on. We never let her be alone again after she was almost raped. Help them sort through my stuff and let Crystal keep what she wants.
Love, Giovanni”
Rosario threw him arms around us both. “So glad I have you guys.”
Chapter 33
Voices startled me out of sleep the next morning. As was typical, I woke up in a baggie T-shirt and panties. The voices sounded familiar. I struggled to get out of bed. Then I hobbled to the bathroom. Finally, I was stable enough to take care of my own business.
When I had shorts on, I peeked in Chris’ room. He and Jon unpacked things and put them away. “Hi, guys,” I said to get their attention.
They looked up at me. “You’re awake.” Chris smiled. “I gotta go get your pills. I’m playing babysitte
r today. Chad said not to bother him unless we had to because he still has to catch up on work.” Then he left the room.
I helped Jon as best as I could with Chris’ stuff. I mostly made piles of clothes on the bed. Soon Chris came back with water, my pills and a vitamin. I took them without question.
“Chad wants you to eat breakfast.” Chris’ face screwed up. “You against eating lately or something? He told me if you refused, he’d hold you down and force-feed you again. What am I missing here?”
Jon added, “Sounds kinky.”
I sighed. Then I lifted my shirt to show them how much weight I lost. “Didn’t you see it the other day, Chris?”
“Wow.” Jon’s mouth dropped. “Have ya eaten anything since the accident?”
Chris shook his head. “I didn’t notice. You know why.” He sighed. “You lost way too much weight. You gotta start eating again, Crystal. You’re gonna get sick.” He picked up my hand and pulled me to the kitchen.
Chad sat at the kitchen table as he typed furiously on his laptop. The table was covered in paper. He paused when I came into view then stood up. “You slept so late.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my lips several limes. “Was startin’ to worry somethin’ was wrong.” His lips came down again. This time, he put more into the kiss. He stroked my tongue with his and moaned softly. “I love you so much,” he mumbled when he pulled back.
“I love you too,” I replied, breathlessly.
When Chad let me go, Chris stared at us, his mouth agape. “You guys’re seeing each other now? When’re you gonna tell me about it?” He scowled and folded his arms over his chest, quite annoyed.
“We didn’t know how to tell you.” Chad sighed, and his shoulders slumped. “We were trying to protect everyone else’s feelings. It just kinda happened in the hospital. We spent almost every minute together. I don’t know what else to say.”
I had forgotten almost no one knew about Chad and I. So, I didn’t say a word. Obviously, it wouldn’t be easy to tell people about us. I hoped Chris got over it.
Chad went back to work. However, Chris stared at him with an angry look on his face. Then he let out a long breath and turned to me. “I brought you in here thinking you could eat at the table, but I ain’t touching his stuff.” He took milk out of the refrigerator. “Crystal, I only know how to make eggs and cereal. I’m not a good cook.”
Dual Desires (Triple Threat Book 3) Page 28
