Level Up

by Craig Anderson

  “Did you forget the conversation we had all of ten minutes ago? I don’t even have a hammer or nails.”

  “Doesn’t matter. You should just be able to upgrade it. Maybe try getting closer.”

  “Do I have to?”

  He nudges me forward and a new option appears.

  Upgrade base to level 1? Requires 30 wood.

  I select Y and in an instant the base doubles in size. I didn’t have to lift a finger. It looks like an actual house now, not just an abandoned bonfire. There is a front door and everything. Also windows. Not too sure how I made those with a large stack of carved up trees, but who am I to argue. The tire has even turned into a quaint swing.

  I tentatively try the key and the front door swings open. There is furniture in here. It is best described as functional, but it also exists, so it is a major improvement over the furniture situation ten seconds ago.

  We do have a few more unusual additions, one being the large green ammo crate in the corner of the living room. I open it to find it packed to bursting with standard arrows and clips for Agile. I put several clips in my pockets.

  Carlos says, “Not a bad start. What do you need for the next upgrade?”

  I check. “To upgrade to level 2 we need 50 wood and 20 stone.”

  “What does that get us?”

  The list is long. I pick out some of the highlights. “Level 2 brings common level automated defences, a forge to make our own weapons, a 20% exp boost and a pizza oven.”

  “Automated defences sounds pretty handy. I wonder why we would need that?”

  That’s when we hear the battle cry outside. I stick my head out the window and pull it back in slowly. “You had to say it.”

  “How many?”

  I do a quick count. “Twenty guys, half with bows and half with swords.”

  “Sounds easy enough. You take on the close quarter guys and I’ll snipe the ranged ones.”

  “You want me to fight ten guys armed with swords single handedly?”

  “Of course not. You can use both hands.” He winks and starts immediately firing arrows out my brand new bedroom window. He could have at least opened the window first.

  A life bar appears above my usual one, with the title BASE. It is already starting to shrink and when I look out the window the swordsmen are hacking up my new fence. I shout, “Oy! Get off my lawn!” Then I somersault out the window, drawing both pistols and shooting three of the swordsmen before I hit the ground. Agile is much more useful when I don’t hold down the trigger. I pull out Showstopper, eager to try out my new weapon, but the guys don’t charge me. Instead they keep hacking away at my house, whittling away its health bar. Damn, it’s a base defence level. I hate these.

  I spin the blade around in my hands. It is perfectly balanced, it feels as if it has no weight at all. It feels a little cheap to attack someone that doesn’t appear to intend me any harm, but we nearly died earning the money for this base and I’ll be damned if I am doing that again. I rush over to the closest guy and take a swing at him. I cringe as it connects, concerned I am going to chop his arm off, but the blade passes straight through his limb and the only thing it takes a chunk off is his health bar. Perfect.

  He keels over after two more swipes. His friends seem unperturbed by the fact I just killed their mate right next to them, instead they keep hacking away at the fence. So be it. They quickly go the same way as their friend, until there is only one left. He at least puts up a modicum of a fight with a feeble attempt to block my attack, but Showstopper carves right through his sword, shattering it in his hands. He looks sad about it so I put him out of his misery.

  I clip Showstopper to my back just as Carlos fells the last of the archers. I can’t even see the guy he took out, I just heard the scream a few seconds after he fired an arrow at the horizon.

  I survey the damage. “Well that could have been worse.”

  Carlos says, “You mean like a couple of Bruisers and a trebuchet?”

  I don’t even need to turn around.

  Most homeowners have to worry about mortgage payments and their furnace breaking down. I have to worry about freaking trebuchets.

  ***

  There are bodies everywhere, strewn liberally through the front garden. Carlos walks amongst the fallen foes, retrieving arrows.

  I glance at our new base. It’s a smouldering crater filled with shards of broken wood and glass, reflected by the sliver of health remaining in the base bar. The ammo crate exploded after the third wave, which didn’t exactly help matters. My new tire swing is on fire. Somehow our base looks even worse than before the upgrade.

  “One more wave to go. We can do this.” Says Carlos.

  “Honestly, I’m not sure we can. There were already too many of them for us to handle in the last wave, and you know the final wave is always the biggest. What do you think happens if we lose?”

  “Our base will be destroyed and we will have to start again from scracth.”

  My shoulders sag. “We don’t have time for that! I can’t face trying to raise another 50k.”

  “Then we have to beat this wave.”

  He makes it sound so simple.

  There’s the sound of horns on the horizon. They start to appear, one by one, until they are all we can see. Fifty knights, all heavily armoured and on horseback. There’s no way we can take them all on without at least a couple slipping through and finishing off our base.

  I shout, “How many arrows do you have left?”

  “Fourteen. That last wave really wiped me out.”

  “You’re going to have to make them count.”

  “You think?”

  “What about that fancy gold one you bought?”

  “If you think I am wasting that on low level knights you’re having a laugh.”

  A battlecry drifts across the park and just like that, the knights charge us.

  Carlos fires a volley of arrows, but they bounce off the knights armour. He switches his fire to their horses, but they are wearing expensive looking horse armour and his shots are equally ineffective.

  I burst fire Agile, taking a few knights down, but then there is the familiar sound of Agile running out of bullets.

  It’s no use. We are screwed. Our only hope is that when they have destroyed our base they don’t decide that killing us would make a nice encore.

  The knights are closing the distance fast when an explosion rocks the park, scattering them everywhere. Several more get frozen in a block of ice. There’s a flash and lightning arcs between the knights, their armour doing a wonderful job of conducting the charge.

  A solitary figure appears, riding on a glistening white stallion. I can’t make out their features, but they are wrecking shop. They are coming right at us. I really hope they are on our side.

  The horse pulls up and Sarah jumps down. She’s not wearing much. I can’t help but stare at her chain mail bikini. It might just be my imagination, but I swear her boobs are bigger.

  Carlos confirms my assessment. “Holy chesticles, what happened to you?”

  Sarah gives him a withering glance. “Apparently I need to have a word with the art department. Female heroes in the game are slightly curvier than your average woman. It seems to have affected my physique.”

  He raises his eyebrow. “I’ll say. It’s not exactly helped by your outfit…”

  “Yes, that’s something else I need to discuss with them. All high level gear for female characters is on the skimpy side. Believe it or not, this offers the highest level of protection.” She hikes up her bikini and her new assets jiggle for what feels like a long time. What was I doing again? Oh right!

  “Guys, can we save the catch up for after the battle?”

  Sarah holds out her hands and more lightning arcs out, shocking a dozen knights. The survivors rush to take off their armour, which is a big mistake. Carlos picks them off with arrows and I charge in with Showstopper, carving down the rest.

  I’m just about to relax when I see a gro
up flanking around us to get to the base. “We’ve got trouble, north east.”

  Sarah glances in their direction and with a flick of her hands a pillar of ice blocks their path. As they try to scramble around it I turbo dash over and finish them off.

  The dust settles and there are no knights left standing. I run over and hug Sarah for a little longer than is strictly necessary. “You really saved our bacon. How did you know where we were?”

  “I got a big flashing arrow and a message telling me our base was under attack.” She looks at the flaming wreckage and says, “Is that our base?”

  Carlos waves his hands, “It’s fine, we’ll get that fixed right up.” He kicks the tire swing and the rope snaps, sending the tire rolling away. He says, “Those were some pretty kick arse spells Sarah, care to teach me a couple of those?”

  “No can do, they are reserved for strict magic users. Speaking of which, I need a potion, my MP is totally tanked.” She pulls a glowing blue bottle out of her pocket and chugs it like a student on a Friday night.

  “Can’t you just wait for your MP to recharge?”

  “I could, but it takes forever when you’re a magic user because of the length of the MP bar. Potions are kind of essential because all my spells are so powerful they use up a lot of MP.”

  I check her stats. No that’s not a euphemism, I mean her actual stats. I can hardly believe what I am seeing. “Sarah, how are you already a level 22 Mage?”

  “Carlos isn’t the only one that knows how to cut corners around here. I found a few new exploits we can all take advantage of.”

  I feel a scratch on my neck and my new pet crawls out onto my shoulder. Sarah immediately holds up her hands, ready to zap the little guy. I shout, “Wait! He’s with me.”

  “What is that?”

  “Apparently he’s my new pet squirrel. I almost killed him with the car.”

  Carlos mutters, “Death would have been the merciful option. That thing looks like a chipmunk and a rat had a baby, and then tried to eat it.”

  “Don’t say that!”

  “Ok fine, I was wrong.” He waits a few seconds before following it up with, “He looks like a wrinkly old man’s hairy nutsack. Hey, that’s what you should call him. Nutsack.”

  “First of all, I’m concerned about your seemingly deep knowledge of old man balls. Secondly, no, I am not going to call him Nutsack.”

  There is a chime and I get a message:

  Pet name accepted.

  Wait, what? I glance at the squirrel and above his head it now says Nutsack.

  Marvellous.

  I have bigger problems to worry about right now. I walk over to the nearest tree and try to scoop Nutsack onto a branch. He clings to me as if his life depended on it, his tiny claws digging into my arm. I try pulling harder when he turns and nips my finger. I instinctively let go and he runs back up my arm and back into my hood. Within moments the snoring starts up again.

  “Looks like you’ve got a new friend.” Sarah says. “Hey wait a minute, what’s that on your back? Besides Nutsack.”

  “That’s Showstopper. It’s my new sword. Check it out.” I draw it and hold it out for her to inspect. She runs her hand slowly down the blade.

  “This is a legendary broadsword. Where did you get this?”

  “Carlos and I borrowed a few things from an illegal gambling den.”

  Her expression immediately shifts. “Please tell me it wasn’t run by the Black Ring?”

  “Now that you mention it, everyone was wearing matching jewellery, and I vaguely recall someone mentioning the name Black Ring. Is that a problem?”

  “Well that depends on your definition of a problem. Do you consider an ever growing bounty on your head that will attract everything from the lowliest scum to the most ruthless assassins a problem?”

  “Yes, that definitely sounds like a problem. How do we make it stop?”

  “There are only two ways in the game to stop the Black Ring bounty. Die, or kill the leader of the Black Ring.”

  “Lets go with door number 2. Let me guess, the leader is some ridiculous mid-game boss that will chew us up and spit us out?”

  Sarah sighs. “Something like that. Let me ask, how do you feel about vampires?”

  LEVEL 20: YOU SUCK

  We sit in our newly repaired living room. Carlos has thoughtfully made us all a cup of tea, even though he didn’t need to, due to the base regenerating our health. The windows are open and birds are chirping outside. It sounds peaceful, even if they are probably saying ‘who cut down all the bloody trees?’ For a moment it is easy to forget that none of this is real, that we are still stuck in the game.

  I look at my two companions as they talk animatedly about games they have both played. They compare funny stories of last minute clutch wins and unexpected glitches. They barely know each other, but when it comes to games they have common ground, a shared language. Even in the face of all this danger, they are both still laughing.

  I’ve been going about this all wrong. I’ve been approaching this whole thing like a job. I hate my job. This isn’t some torture to be endured, or puzzle to be solved. It is a game to be played. I never play my best when I am not enjoying myself.

  I need to get the fun back.

  I jump up out of my seat. “Ok, let’s go kill us a vampire!”

  Carlos and Sarah stop talking and look at me like I’ve grown another head. Sarah says, “I’m afraid it’s not going to be that easy. We need a plan. I’ve never fought him myself, a different team was working on the area he resides in, but I’ve heard the horror stories from the QA testers. He always manages to bite the players, and if he does there’s a 10% chance you become a vampire.”

  “No problem, that means there’s a 90% chance we’ll be fine. I like those odds!”

  “Are you feeling ok?” Carlos looks worried.

  “Yes, I’m fine. Better than fine. So where might we find a vampire in the middle of the day?”

  “In the game he lives in the rafters of an old playhouse, but there’s nothing like that around here. Sunlight eventually kills him, so he’d have to stay somewhere dark, but where the members of the Black Ring could come and go without raising suspicion. Any ideas?”

  Carlos is the first one to figure it out. “The cinema! No-one would notice large groups of people and there’s not a sliver of sunlight to be seen.”

  “That is as good a place to start as any. Let’s go to the cinema and see if we can find him.”

  “Is there anything else that can hurt him? Apart from sunlight?” I ask.

  “I don’t actually know. They were always changing his weaknesses based on beta player feedback. We should stop and get some provisions on the way, just in case.”

  We head to the car. Sarah climbs in the passenger seat and sniffs. “Did you guys have the car cleaned? It’s got that new car smell.”

  ***

  We pull up to the cinema and immediately know it is the place. It looks exactly like the kind of building that would house a resident evil spirit or two. It could be the fact it is decorated for Halloween, with cobwebs, spooky flashing lights, and eery music, despite it being July. It could be the vampire double bill that is advertised as today’s movie. Or it could be the large mob of angry looking Black Ring members loitering in the car park that gives it away.

  In the centre of the pack is a large stone golem, with a black ring painted around its arm. It is at least 8ft tall. It looks like it will be a nightmare to fight. What weapon is going to touch a creature made entirely out of stone? Only one way to find out!

  Sarah says, “Ok, we’re going to have to be careful because that gol…”

  I turn to them both, “No time for plans. Let’s do this!” and then I charge. I’m bringing the fun. Carlos and Sarah will be right behind me.

  I get some pretty strange looks from the Black Ring as I run right into the centre of their group and leap through the air, Showstopper held high. I bring it down with an almighty clang and it boun
ces harmlessly off the golems thick rocky chest. A health bar appears that informs me he is level 43. He looks mildly annoyed, his small, black, coal eyes shrinking in confusion at the puny human with the death wish.

  I hear the sound of a dozen weapons being drawn.

  No problem. I do my best to sound like a hero. “We’ve got this, right team?”

  I turn and my backup is nowhere to be seen.

  Bollocks.

  This was a very bad idea.

  I crank the turbo shoes and leg it. Arrows and gunshots rain down around me and I feel the ground shaking as the golem starts to pick up speed. The time between thuds shortens and any second I am expecting him to flatten me.

  It doesn’t happen, and just like that the pounding stops. I run straight past Carlos and Sarah, who are still huddled behind the car. They stare at me utterly befuddled. When I glance over my shoulder I am relieved to see I am no longer being pursued. I slowly make my way back to my team.

  “Where were you guys?”

  “Standing here waiting to make a plan!”

  There’s something I am happy to be confused about. “Why did they stop chasing me?”

  Sarah says. “They are currently guarding that entrance. That means unless they are attacked they won’t pursue, and if they do, it won’t be beyond a certain range. What were you thinking rushing in like that?”

  “I was keen to get stuck in.”

  “To a level 43 golem? He can kill us all in one stomp. We are going to need to work together if we are going to go up against an opponent like that.”

  Ok, so I chose a bad time to go rogue. Carlos jumps to my defence. “It was a solid effort mate, but even I’m not convinced we can win this fight. We need to find another way.”

  The world has officially gone mad.

  I need to redeem myself. I scout the area and spot something promising. I point at it. “That looks like a side entrance. Think we can sneak over there without alerting the cronies out front?”

  Sarah points upwards. “You’ve got half a dozen security cameras covering the carpark. It’s going to be nigh on impossible without triggering an alarm.”

  Carlos pulls his hood up. “Sneaky archer, at your service. I’ll be right back.”