Surviving the Borderline Parent

by Freda Friedman

  blamed us for her shortcomings. It was understood that what went on

  inside our house was private and not to be shared with outsiders. Anyway, most of the time she had us all so convinced that we deserved what we got that we’d be ashamed to tell anyone a thing.”

  The take-aways may include

  7 I can’t rely on you; you’re not really there.

  7 I have to keep quiet and protect you, or else…

  7 I’m responsible for your self-image.

  7 I’m responsible for making you feel whole.

  8. Either underexpressed or overexpressed

  feelings of anger, seen in frequent displays of

  temper, rage, recurrent physical fights, or

  extreme sarcasm or withdrawal.

  Rages. Many adult children know them all too well, whether the

  trigger is a coat hung askew in the closet, a spilled drink, a loud TV, sick-ness, the suggestion that the person with BPD doesn’t remember some-

  thing the way others do, or a request for a divorce. Whether precipitated by something seemingly trivial or serious, the storm—not uncommonly

  I Never Knew It Had a Name

  19

  comprised of verbal assaults or physical abuse—can subside just as quickly as it rolled in. Some recipients of the rage report the need to run

  away—out of the house, out of the car, or to safety in a locked room—so

  fearful are they of the loss of control and capacity for violence in their parent with BPD.

  Because of difficulties dealing with anger, those with BPD may dem-

  onstrate passive-aggressive behavior, like one woman who would initiate

  hair-pulling contests with her teenaged daughter. They’d pull until one or the other held a clump of hair in her hand, or the pain was too much and

  someone gave in, all in “fun,” of course.

  “I was about four years old,” recalls Lizbeth, forty-six, “cowering

  under the kitchen table. My mother was crouched in front of me, walling

  me in, rubbing my face into the plate of food I supposedly asked for and

  then hadn’t finished. She made me walk around with chunks of scrambled

  egg in my hair until she was ready to bathe me and wash it out. Over the

  years, she’d tell the story to others and say, ‘That’s why she’s a little off now. She was abused,’ and she’d laugh—cackle is more like it.”

  Those with BPD may go to great lengths to deflect anger in others,

  which can be infuriating to a loved one trying to communicate honest feelings. Parents with BPD may not accept responsibility for their behavior,

  nor be willing to listen to how they might have caused emotional or physical harm. If you try to point out their behavior, they may lash out with an abusive tirade or stone-cold silence, attempting to place blame on you

  instead (“If you hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t have had to beat you”).

  “I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to be angry as a child,” says Robert. “Whenever I

  raised my voice, almost always in response to some untrue accusation of

  manipulating my borderline mother in some way, I was banished to my

  room. When I protested, I was told, ‘We’ll discuss it when you’re ratio-

  nal.’ We never did. I’d get the silent treatment for days at a time, and then all of a sudden, like someone flipped a light switch, I was human again

  and would be spoken to rather than glared at. I’d write long notes,

  explaining that I hadn’t lied or manipulated; I’d fill in the pieces she

  seemed to have missed. I’d leave the notes for her at night. I’d always end them by saying I was sorry she was upset and that I loved her. The next

  day I’d find them, sometimes unopened or crumpled in a ball, in the trash.

  I’d ask if she’d gotten my note. ‘We’ll discuss it later.’ After years of this, when I was a teenager, she said to me, ‘You seem very angry.’ Huh, imagine that. Sixteen years of being stifled, blamed for things I hadn’t done, told I was irrational by someone who wasn’t exactly acting rationally, and not given a chance to speak. Imagine having three minutes on the witness

  stand to defend your life, except that opposing counsel gets to duct-tape

  20

  Surviving a Borderline Parent

  your mouth shut. ‘How perceptive of you,’ I wanted to say. ‘You’re damn

  right, I’m angry.’”

  The take-aways may include

  7 I shouldn’t express my feelings, especially anger.

  7 I have to watch what I say or I might make you violently angry.

  7 Rage and contrition cycle so quickly, they don’t seem to be

  related. Feelings seem random, not necessarily in response to

  external stimuli.

  7 Stifling my feelings is the safest thing to do.

  9. Brief extreme periods of mistrust, paranoia,

  or feelings of unreality (numbness,

  disconnection).

  Those close to someone with BPD may notice brief fogs or spells of

  being out of it—brief breaks with reality or psychotic episodes. When confronting someone with BPD for their inappropriate behavior, perhaps a lie or simply recalling a conversation, adult children have described a blank look. At the time, the parent may have spaced out. He or she truly may

  not remember.

  Adult children may also recall many accusations and their parents’

  readiness to blame and to assume ill intent on the part of others.

  Dave, twenty-nine, says, “If a lasagna wasn’t fully baked when the

  oven timer went off, someone else must have deliberately turned the tem-

  perature down. If I didn’t call her at work at 3:30 to say I was home from school, I must have had friends over and was partying. If she couldn’t find her favorite pen (because she left it somewhere and forgot), one of the

  kids stole it. The accusations never stopped. But the scary thing is, she really believed the little scenarios she cooked up, regardless of how far from the truth they were.”

  The take-aways may include

  7 I remember reality differently than you do. Since you seem so

  sure of your recollection (and you’re the adult), I must be wrong.

  7 I misinterpreted the event.

  7 I can’t trust my own judgment.

  7 I just don’t get people.

  7 If I’m perfect, if I do everything just right, I won’t be subject to

  false accusations.

  I Never Knew It Had a Name

  21

  7 I have to always prove my case and be at the ready to defend my

  actions. My choices, simply because they’re what I decided (based

  on my needs and preferences), aren’t valid or acceptable.

  A Fairy-Tale Model

  In her book, Understanding the Borderline Mother, author Christine Ann Lawson (2000) uses fairy-tale personalities—the waif, the queen, the hermit, the witch—to describe borderline traits. While these categories can

  help you identify the disorder and its various aspects and help you understand your childhood experience, people with BPD or its traits may at

  times exhibit behavior that overlaps categories. As you read the following brief descriptions based on Lawson’s work, which applies to men and

  women alike, keep in mind that your parent may show characteristics of

  more than one type, and different people within your family may have

  been exposed to different traits.

  The Waif

  The waif feels like a helpless victim. She (or he) may appear social

  but never really engage with others on a deeper level. She may be “inap-

  propriately open” and then reject those with whom she’s just shared; “fish for compliments” and then deny them; complain and then wave away suggestions and offers of help. The waif fe
els hopeless and anticipates

  negativity, even before she has any evidence that it might be in store.

  Characteristics of a waif parent include permissiveness, alternately

  spoiling and neglecting children, and using fantasies of a fairy tale life to distract from reality. The waif is more likely to cry than rage, and to suffer from anxiety and depression.

  Messages from a waif parent may include: Life is so hard; nobody

  loves me; I have it a lot worse than you/others.

  The Queen

  The queen feels empty yet entitled. She yearns for material wealth,

  beauty, attention and loyalty. Queen parents may compete with a child for attention, feel jealous of their child’s achievements or attributes and act in selfish and domineering ways. When others comment on or challenge the

  queen’s beliefs or behavior, she may paint them as the enemy.

  22

  Surviving a Borderline Parent

  Characteristics of a queen parent include expecting his or her chil-

  dren to see things the same way and to be loyal; dramatic or histrionic

  behavior; and a tendency toward exaggeration. The queen has a hard time

  respecting others’ boundaries and preferences. Despite her needs, she may come across as quite strong and independent.

  Messages children of queen parents may receive include: You must

  love me; I resent you when you need something from me.

  The Hermit

  The hermit feels fear; he’s always on alert against potential danger.

  He may seem paranoid at times, perceiving threats where others don’t.

  Phobias or superstitions may interfere with daily living. Benign or even

  helpful comments from others may be interpreted as a threat or attack.

  Hermits can be excessively self-protecting, possessive, and domineering.

  They may seem hypersensitive and feel violated when someone touches or

  borrows something that belongs to them. When angry, they may fly into a

  rage or give the “silent treatment.”

  Messages from a hermit parent include: The world is a scary, dan-

  gerous place; They won’t stop until they get me.

  The Witch

  Witches feel white-hot rage. Few borderline parents consistently

  exhibit witch-like behavior. Rather, the witch seems to emerge from the

  waif, queen, or hermit when triggered by perceived rejection or her own

  self-hatred. Witches may use shame and embarrassment of their children

  as parenting tools.

  Witch parents can be domineering and vindictive; they may seem to

  repeatedly be at the center of conflict when it arises. They may have a

  hard time respecting others’ boundaries and may ruin a child’s cherished

  possessions, give away or euthanize a child’s pets, or withhold affection or care. They may be physically abusive as well.

  Witch parents may send the following messages: Boy, will you regret

  that; You asked for it.

  Defying Classification

  Adult children share a host of common experiences which we will exam-

  ine further in chapter 2. One of the most difficult things can be the lack of

  I Never Knew It Had a Name

  23

  validation of your childhood pain. People with BPD don’t always appear

  “crazy.” Many are quite high-functioning, appearing perfectly healthy to

  the outside world. This can make children doubt their own judgment, and

  it can undermine their sense of self-worth. Children see Mom or Dad act-

  ing in normal ways with some people and then cruelly at home, and they

  come to believe they’re the cause of their parent’s negative and/or inconsistent behavior.

  Acting Out Versus Acting In

  In Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone

  You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder, Kreger and Mason (1998) identify two groups: those with BPD that act in and those that act out.

  Those that act out tend to function well in public; they are doctors

  and managers, lawyers and parents, best friends and board members;

  they’re politicians and teachers. They are often fun to be around. They

  may be ambitious, successful professionally, the life of the party, sociable, and great storytellers. They may have a knack for putting others at ease.

  Once out of the public eye, however, they direct their negative emotion at others—usually family members—pointing an accusatory finger, making

  impossible demands, and inflicting verbal, emotional, and sometimes phys-

  ical abuse on loved ones. (Some adult children recall being told as adolescents that they were ugly, unpopular, and wouldn’t amount to anything,

  for example.) From outward appearances, the person with BPD may seem

  the model of competence and normalcy. Some do well except under stress

  or in particular areas of their lives—for example, the person who is an

  award-winning professional, brilliant and well-respected, but who unravels at home with her kids and husband when the household chores aren’t

  done properly and in a timely manner. Their personal lives and intimate

  relationships may be intensely chaotic, making it all the more difficult for family members, particularly children, to ask for help—or even to realize something isn’t normal.

  Others with BPD act in, tending instead to turn negative emotion

  inward, resulting in self-destructive behaviors such as cutting, self-

  mutilation, abusing alcohol or drugs, feeling intensely guilty for circumstances and events beyond their control, setting unreasonably high stan-

  dards for themselves, or attempting suicide. They tend to be heavy

  utilizers of the mental health, and health care systems, and may have difficulty keeping a permanent job. (BPD comprises about 10 percent of the

  24

  Surviving a Borderline Parent

  outpatient mental health patient population and 15 to 20 percent of the

  inpatient population (APA 2001).)

  It’s important to note that the acting-in and acting-out or high- and

  low-functioning labels are not mutually exclusive. Those with the disorder may show signs of both. One woman, now “divorced” from her borderline mother after years of suicide threats and attempts, explains how her mother had trouble holding down jobs and had an addiction to prescription medications, but was popular among her circle of friends. “She was

  such a sweet person to others; she’d give you the shirt off her back.”

  BPD exists along a spectrum, running the gamut from mild to severe

  as well as occurring with other psychiatric disturbances. Some adult children may recall superficially normal childhoods, with all the trappings of material wealth and success but with strange or erratic behavior and subtle but insidious emotional abuse at home. Others recall a parent who had

  trouble getting out of bed in the morning, rarely cleaned the house or

  bought groceries, who may have been hospitalized for repeated suicide

  attempts or severe addiction. There’s only one constant with BPD, and

  that’s inconsistency.

  Picking Up the Signals

  Children learn from their parents. Almost as soon as you made your

  debut in the world, you took cues from your parents as to what this place would be like and your role within it. If your primary teachers were working from a confusing lesson plan, you may have absorbed some unhelpful,

  unhealthy messages as you developed.

  The messages children may receive from parents with BPD include

  7 I’m a victim; you hurt me and/or it’s your responsibility to take

  care of me.

  7 I have no control
; I’m not to be held accountable for what I say

  or do. I may not even accurately remember what transpired.

  7 My needs come first. When I do something for you, it’s possible

  I’m doing it to satisfy some need I have (giving you a gift makes

  me feel like I’m being a good parent; it’s less about you than

  about me).

  7 No one understands me. No one could possibly understand how

  hard I have it, how difficult my life is, what I’m going through.

  I Never Knew It Had a Name

  25

  7 I am entitled; (alternately) I am worthless, in which case it’s your

  responsibility to bolster my sense of self. I rely on you—better

  not let me down.

  7 My perspective is right; the rest of the world is wrong. But

  nobody listens to me.

  STOP AND THINK: Record Your Messages

  Are there other messages you heard from your parent? Record them in

  your journal, and include what your parent said or did that conveyed the

  message.

  STOP AND THINK: The Lessons Are Clear

  As you read through the following list, ask yourself if you learned any of the following lessons as a child and if they still affect you now. Don’t

  judge yourself (“I shouldn’t have felt that way”). Just see if anything

  resonates.

  . You can’t trust others, even those that are close to you because

  your confidence is often—and randomly—betrayed.

  . You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t; you just can’t

  do anything right.

  . It’s unsafe to express your true feelings, because they will be

  mocked, denigrated, or ignored.

  . You can’t trust yourself, since your perceptions are usually

  corrected.

  . People manipulate; gifts come with strings attached.

  . Life holds little physical affection—few hugs or pats on the head.

  . You are undeserving of love and affection, compliments, or mate-

  rial items.

  . You are guilty of being a burden, for the sacrifices your parent

  made for you, for being angry, for disagreeing, for having your

  own needs, for being a child, for being your own person.

  . It’s risky to assert yourself; others’ needs, desires, and opinions

  come first.

  Are there other lessons you learned?