People on the receiving end feel intimidated, threatened, defensive, and
they soon learn to be on guard against the person who expresses anger
aggressively.
Passive-Aggressive
Someone who responds to anger passively holds in their anger and
feels frustrated as a result. That sense of frustration builds to a critical threshold, where the next trigger ignites an outburst, though it still doesn’t address the underlying or original issue (McKay, Rogers, and McKay
1989). Another example of the passive-aggressive coping mechanism is the
person who smiles and says, “No, really. I’m not angry about the situa-
tion.” A couple of days later, when his wife asks him to fix her closet
door, he says he will. Two weeks later, it’s still not done.
Assertive
Anger expressed assertively, that is directly, takes into account the
needs of all parties involved. It involves communicating facts and feelings along with a request for a change in behavior. It removes judgment,
assumptions, and blame. In chapter 6, we’ll discuss how specifically to use the assertive coping style with your borderline parent (or others in your life as well). To fully overcome any suppressed or long-term anger you’ve been letting brew, adding this style of expression to your emotional and
communication repertoire is critical.
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STOP AND THINK: What’s Your Style?
Most peo ple have more than one style of express ing their anger depend ing on the sit u a tion, the his tory, the per son or peo ple involved, and their own pres ent phys i cal and men tal state.
For each cop ing style, try to think of a sit u a tion where you would
express your anger in that way.
Once you’ve done that, reflect on which style you use the most,
which you use the least, which not at all. Which style seems most effec tive to you? Why?
Who Would You Be Without
Your Anger?
What
ever your typ
i
cal cop
ing style (and you may find that you don’t
adhere to just one style, but rather employ ele ments of each, depend ing on the cir cum stances), the thought of let ting go of chronic anger can be a fright en ing one. “My anger was like a com bi na tion jet-propulsion back -
pack and secu rity blan ket that I kept on me all the time,” says Caitlin, the daugh ter of a woman with BPD who would rage vio lently but threaten to
put her daugh ter out on the street if she dared to express her angry feel -
ings. “It drove me, and it made me feel secure. I knew that with it on, no one would ever treat me the way my mother did.” But the down side of
Caitlin’s anger was that she was always on alert against a pend ing attack.
She’d shoot back quickly, mak ing defen sive remarks when friends would
make a benign com ment. Then she’d feel bad after ward for hav ing mis in -
ter preted what they’d meant—so bad that it became eas ier just to min i -
mize con tact. She with drew, kept her self busy with school work, and felt increas ingly lonely.
With the help of her ther a pist, Caitlin real ized that the root of her
lone li ness and dis tance from oth ers was because of the anger she was car -
ry ing around. “But I was afraid if I started to let it out, to unpack the back pack, that I’d never be able to stop.”
But Who Are You With Your Anger?
Scary as it is to face feel
ings of chronic anger, keep
ing them care
fully
stowed away does n’t serve you well either. Con sider the expense: Anger
causes the body to release hor mones that, over time, dam age nearly all
Overcoming Anger and Resentment
93
systems of your body. Those hormones have been implicated in causing or
exacerbating numerous physical conditions, everything from autoimmune
disorders to heart disease and hypertension.
Emotionally, chronic anger can affect your sense of well-being,
self-esteem, and your relationships. It can lead to withdrawal, isolation and loneliness, hypersensitivity, being closed and suspicious (ready to
pounce at any stimulus that may remotely resemble a past offense),
depression, and self-destructive behaviors such as overeating, drug or alcohol abuse, and even suicide attempts.
STOP AND THINK: Anger’s Consequences
In what ways has chronic anger affected your life? This exercise, adapted from McKay, Rogers, and McKay (1989) will help you look at some of
the consequences of anger. On a scale of 1 to 5, one being “very little,”
and 5 indicating “a great deal,” assess the impact anger has had on each of the areas that follow:
how you get along with bosses at work
how you interact with coworkers
your relationships with subordinates
the first impression you make upon meeting new people
how you treat your children
your relationship with your romantic partner
former relationships with friends and partners
how you get along with your neighbors
how you interact with volunteer organizations you’re part of,
or recreational groups, religious organizations
lost relationships and estrangements
your physical health
your emotional health
any drinking or drug use you engage in
unsafe sexual practices you engage in
your sense of creativity
how productive you are
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Surviving a Borderline Parent
your driving
your accuracy, retention, and memory
Any area where you responded with a 2 or higher may be an area
you may to work on. Continue reading. We’ll talk about how to minimize
the effects of anger shortly.
Keeping Tabs on Your Anger
Designate a section of your journal to keep track of your anger as you
continue to work through this chapter, the remainder of the book, and
beyond. This will help you see the changes in the level of your chronic
anger as well as the decreasing impact it has on your life and health over time.
Write in your journal at least once each day. Set aside a time to do
this, for example, first thing in the morning, after dinner or before bed. Be careful not to let other obligations interfere with this time. Note the
following:
7 The number of times you felt angry over the past twenty-four
hours and the cause or trigger.
7 Following each, rate your level of arousal or intensity of feeling
on a scale from 1 to 10, using physiological responses as a guide
(for example, racing heart, chest tightening, headache); a 1 indi-
cates “minimal arousal,” and 10 indicates “the most I’ve ever
felt.”
7 What urge accompanied each and, using the same scale, how
strong was that urge?
7 Finally, how did you respond? Rate the level of any aggressive
response (including behaviors) on a scale from 1 to 10 and what
that response was: 1 indicates “minimal aggression,” and 10, “the
most I’ve ever displayed.”
Here’s an example of what a journal entry would look like:
November 22
3 times.
1. When my child wouldn’t get dressed for school and we missed the
bus as a result.
Arousal: 7
Urge: 9 (I wanted to drag her in her pajamas to t
he bus stop.)
Overcoming Anger and Resentment
95
Aggressive response: 6 (I yelled at her, told her she’d have conse-
quences to deal with later and didn’t kiss her goodbye when she
got out of the car.)
2. When I vented to my mother on the phone later in the day and
she told me she thought it was “just desserts” that I had a daugh-
ter as difficult as I was.
Arousal: 7
Urge: 10 (I wanted to yell, “I can’t believe what a bitch you are.”)
Aggressive response: 2 (I said, “Mom, there’s someone at the
door. I need to go now,” and I hung up.)
3. When my husband told me “it wasn’t too bright” for me to have
told my mother about what happened with my daughter this
morning.
Arousal: 5
Urge: 5 (I wanted to hit him.)
Aggressive response: 9 (I lost it with him. How dare he side with
my mother. I screamed, slammed the door, threw his work files at
him, and pushed him away when he tried to talk to me about it.)
Over time, you’ll start to discern patterns in who and what triggers
your anger, as well as why and how you respond with different coping
styles to different people. In the example above, this woman may have a
tendency to get angry when she feels that her needs (to get her daughter
to the bus on time) and feelings (of frustration) aren’t taken seriously. In response, she seems to employ an aggressive style with her daughter and
husband but a passive style with her mother. Over time, it can be useful to look at how you rate the intensity of your anger. As you continue to work on your responses, you may begin to see a decrease in the intensity.
For an additional challenge, as you keep tabs on your anger, identify
the stressors and trigger thoughts that contributed to feeling angry. Then reframe the thought. For example, your journal entry may look like this:
1. When my child wouldn’t get dressed for school and we missed the
bus as a result.
Antecedent stressor: My mother was often depressed and so she
rarely got up to help us get dressed or cook us breakfast. When she
did, it was obvious she’d rather be doing anything but that.
Current stressor: We all overslept. My daughter woke up on the
wrong side of the bed and was uncooperative.
Indirect stressors: I woke up with a headache, and if she missed
the bus, this would be the third time in two weeks that I’d be late
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Surviving a Borderline Parent
for work.
Trigger thoughts: She knows that if she doesn’t get herself dressed
on time, I end up being late. She’s selfish.
Reframed trigger thoughts: She’s a child. She was having a slow
morning, and her need to take her time overrode any concern that
her dawdling might affect me. She’s not selfish; she was acting like
a normal child who wasn’t quite ready to go off to school when I
needed to leave.
Doing a Body Scan
For the first two weeks of keeping your anger journal, it will also be
useful to note where in your body you really feel the anger. You can do
this by scanning your body, a technique that’s often used in yoga, meditation, and biofeedback to locate areas where you hold on to stress, tight-
ness, and tension.
Be sure you’ll have a few minutes that are free of interruptions to do
the following exercise, adapted from McKay, Rogers, and McKay (1989).
1. Sit or lie down so you’re comfortable. Pay attention to your feet
and legs. Wiggle your toes, then rotate your feet and relax them.
Note any tension in your calves. Let go of it if it’s there.
2. Focus on your lower torso. Do you feel any tension or pain in
your lower back? Relax and take a deep breath. Notice any ten-
sion in your hips, pelvic area, or buttocks. Consciously relax
those areas.
3. Now focus on your diaphragm and stomach. Take two or three
slow, deep breaths. Feel yourself relaxing, and note any tension
you still feel in this area.
4. Note your lungs and chest cavity. Is there tension there? Take a
couple of deep breaths and envision the air filling these areas.
Relax more deeply.
5. Key into your shoulders, neck, and throat. Swallow a couple of
times and notice any tension or soreness in your throat and neck.
Roll your head clockwise, then counterclockwise. Shrug your
shoulders and notice any tension. Relax.
6. Starting at the top of your head, notice any tension or pain. Scan
down to your forehead and relax it. Note any tension behind
Overcoming Anger and Resentment
97
your eyes, your ears, in your cheeks, in your jaw. Relax your
mouth, lips, tongue, and chin.
7. Go back and scan your body for any remaining tension. Breathe
deeply and relax.
8. Note in your journal where you were holding tension.
Finding the Source
As with other emotions, in order to halt their negative effects, you
must first understand where they originated. As stated earlier, adult children of a parent with BPD may have chronic feelings of anger for a variety of reasons, encompassing everything from repeated invalidation to physical assaults to trying to address issues of contention with the parent and encountering hostility, denial, or projection.
STOP AND THINK: From the Source
What are the issues that are causing your feelings of anger? List them in your journal. They can be as detailed or as generic as you want. Don’t
censor yourself; there are no standards for what are legitimate reasons for your feelings. Examples might include “I tried hard to be good, but my
parent always found something to criticize”; “I’m angry because I wasn’t
allowed to express my feelings growing up; I felt stifled”; or, “You didn’t take care of me the way I needed you to. You put me in situations that
forced me to accept adult responsibilities and endangered me, like leaving me with Uncle Martin when you were off with your boyfriend and he
abused me sexually.”
For each item, how have you expressed your anger about it (consider
your coping style, your level of arousal and aggression)? Have you written about it, addressed it with the person involved, acted in such a way that you felt guilty for later? What were the results and consequences?
What would you like to do to be able to let go of some of those feel-
ings now, to minimize their intensity and effects?
Strategies for Reducing Anger
Keeping your anger journal, noticing the patterns that emerge, and
revisiting the exercises in this chapter periodically will help you begin to reduce your anger. There are also many things you can incorporate into
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Surviving a Borderline Parent
your life that will reduce feelings of chronic anger. Here are a few to start with, and there’s space for you to add your own at the end of the list. Do these as often as you want or need to.
7 deep breathing (slow, deep breaths with inhalations and exhala-
tions of similar duration and a pause between them)
7 visualization or guided imagery (of calming places, people you
enjoy being around, and so on—don’t replay unpleasant or angry
scenes)
7 prayer or meditation
7 yoga, tai chi, Pilates
7 doing volunteer
work or just helping a friend with a chore now
and then
7 writing down how you feel, and how you want to feel
7 engaging in other creative arts
7 doing any aerobic exercise (walking, running, swimming, biking,
skiing, skating, kick boxing)
7 screaming into a pillow or in the car
7 beating a pillow, punching a punching bag
7 tearing up sheets of newspaper
7
7
7
7
As you can see, some of these strategies are ways of venting or
expressing anger, while others distract you from it—some get you more in
touch with your feelings, and some help you distance them. It’s important to find a balance between the two. Always distracting yourself from your
anger means that it will come up in inappropriate ways at inappropriate
times, toward people in your life who did nothing to deserve it. Likewise, always venting your anger means you relive it again and again, never giving yourself a mental break from it. You might consider using a mental
image to help you find the right balance. You might try visualizing a met-ronome, a pendulum on a clock, a seesaw, or a balance scale.
CHAPTER 6
Communicating and
Setting Limits
You may still feel resentment from your past, and when interacting with
your parent today, those old feelings may be quickly triggered and exacerbated. This chapter offers several concepts and communication tools you
can explore that will further reduce the stress and strain and volatility of your present dealings with a difficult parent.
At times your feelings of frustration, of being trapped, of helpless-
ness, may seem overwhelming. But you can set limits and communicate
them to your parent, and express your feelings more directly and effec-
tively, thereby changing the interaction. The end result? Your sense of
control will increase. You will stand up for yourself in a way that honors who you are and what you believe and is also respectful of your parent.
You will no longer play the role you were assigned as a child and, perhaps still, as an adult. Old, unhealthy dynamics will change.
Finding the Right Balance
For some adult children, not having any involvement with a parent is the
easiest answer. They may not know exactly how to set limits with their
parent, or their limits may be continually tested and breached. They find it easier to sever ties.
Others, regardless of past wrongs and abuse, find a way to navigate
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