a relationship in the present that meets at least some of their (and their
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parent’s) needs. Some interact with their parent, but on a superficial level.
“My father and I are like anchors on TV news,” says Talia, twenty-two.
“We speak in not much more than sound bites, covering the news,
weather, and sports. Anything other than that usually ends up in a fight.”
Others, whether out of guilt, obligation, fear, or another need, maintain a relationship in which past abuse continues.
There’s no right or wrong choice in how you choose to deal with
your parent, now that you’re an adult. What’s important is that you make
your own thoughtful, deliberate choices that respect and protect yourself, and if you’re a parent, your minor children.
The decision about your level of involvement with your parent isn’t
a static one; it can change over time as circumstances, your needs, and
your parent’s control over his emotions and actions all shift. You may
decide to distance yourself for a few months, only answering occasional
light emails from your parent but not communicating by phone or in per-
son, while you gather your thoughts and do some soul-searching about
your true feelings, for instance. Or perhaps because of a move closer to
where your parent lives, you find yourself in contact more than ever
before. You may decide to really put the tools in this chapter into practice and notice that your relationship improves and your stress level decreases.
Or you may find that the increased interaction is just too draining, and
despite living closer, you only talk on the phone and visit once a year.
Once again, the choice is yours now.
STOP AND THINK: Meeting Needs
To help you think more about your comfort level with interaction, con-
sider what needs the relationship is meeting for you. Here are some examples:
. She’s my mother, and I can’t stand the thought of just walking
away from such an important relationship.
. It’s easier to let my controlling mother make decisions for me,
than for me to make them myself.
. I have to admit, I get a burst of energy—like a rush—after we
fight.
. When he’s not acting bizarrely, he’s really a great person to be
around; he’s funny and engaging, and my kids love hearing the
stories from his childhood.
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Fear can make you stay in a relationship without addressing signifi-
cant issues with another person. When you think about confronting your
parent with the relationship issues that trouble you, do you feel afraid? If so, try to identify what you fear. Some examples include:
. I’m afraid I’ll lose his approval. I only feel loved and valued when
I go along with him. I know that.
. If I were to confront her, she’d probably threaten to do some-
thing. Who knows what she’d end up doing?
. I can’t bear another one of those rages. I just keep my mouth shut
and it’s fine.
. I’m afraid I’d feel so guilty if I upset her. She already has such a
hard time with things, how can I in good conscience add to the
load?
. He might start drinking again. Then how would I feel?
Controlling the Flow
As you work through this chapter, keep in mind that there are many ways
for you to control the flow of communication. Keep in mind that you
have the right to do this. The following are just a few ideas. Spend some time thinking of others that will work specifically for you, given your own preferences and circumstances.
7 Screen phone calls with answering machines, voicemail, and caller
ID, so you can answer only those you feel up to taking.
7 Block, filter, and/or delete e-mail.
7 Ask your partner to say you’re unavailable at the moment and
you’ll return the call when you can.
7 If you’re in the same space as your parent, you can leave the
room or leave the house, put on headphones, turn on the televi-
sion, pick up your knitting project, or go outside to do some
gardening.
7 You can say you’re not prepared to discuss particular issues right
now and suggest a better time.
7 Refuse packages; don’t open mail; return mail to sender.
7 Change telephone numbers; get an unlisted phone number.
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7 Make sure no one other than the residents of your home has
access to it (keys, lock combinations, garage door openers, alarm
codes, and so on).
7 During visits with your parent, stay in motels, hotels, or with
friends in the area. When your parent comes to visit, insist that
he do the same.
Keep Your Eye on the Prize
Maintaining a relationship, to whatever degree you choose, if any, doesn’t mean denying that you have—and hopefully are working through—past
resentments, or denying the fact that you’re still set off by things your parent says and does today. Try thinking of it instead as moving forward
while you revise troublesome scripts. Keep in mind that you can’t expect
your parent to change, but you can change your attitudes, interpretations, your responses, thereby modifying the dynamics.
Imagine that you and your parent are dancing a waltz together, with
your parent leading. You’ve always waltzed with him. Come to think of it, you’ve never liked the waltz. So you signal to the orchestra to play a
tango, and you begin to lead. It’s going to be nearly impossible for your parent to continue that waltz while you’re doing the tango. He may not
like the tango. He may storm off the dance floor. He may scream that you
are selfish and would do anything, stooping so low as to conspire with the musicians, to prevent his happiness. But he’s also likely to realize at some point that if he wants to dance with you, he’ll need to change his steps.
You may notice that asserting your boundaries and communicating
more directly with your parent actually makes life more difficult at first.
Keep your eye on what you hope to gain, however, and remember that
squelching discussion of difficult issues because you know they’ll meet
with a bad reaction only deepens your anger and makes it harder for you
to relate to the other person. It may not be the best choice for either one of you.
STOP AND THINK: Now or Later
To weigh the short-term versus long-term effects of asserting your limits with your parent, think of a particular issue that’s been a cause of contention in the past. Write it down in your journal.
By way of example, Bethany doesn’t want to spend Thanksgiving
with her mother and stepfather this year. She says that one too many
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celebrations have been overshadowed by her stepfather’s characteristic
grandiosity and her mother’s martyrdom. She can’t bear another painfully
detailed recounting of how much work went into the lavish spread they
insisted on preparing. But she knows that breaking the news to her mother will entail a lecture on how selfish she is, coupled with a temper tantrum and a tense silence for weeks to follow. Of course, her sister will call too and start in on her for hurting Mom. Bethany thinks maybe she should
just go this
year and put off making a change until next year. She’s said this for the past three years.
Have you, like Bethany, been putting off addressing an issue because
you’re afraid of the results? Make a chart with two columns, one labeled
“now,” the other “later.” Draw two rows underneath the columns and
label one row “positives” and the other row “negatives.” Now, looking at
your own issue, what do you think you might gain by confronting your
parent now? What might you gain by waiting? Write your answers under
“positives,” “now” and “later,” respectively.
Now write down the negatives. What are the downsides of confront-
ing your parent now? What are the downsides of waiting?
For Bethany, if she confronts her mother now, she’s likely to feel a
sense of relief and to enjoy a quiet holiday at home with her husband, her kids, and some friends. She will have broken a pattern and she’ll have an easier time making and communicating her decision in the years to come.
If she waits, she’s likely to feel temporary relief—until next year rolls around. She can also find some middle ground, perhaps going for just one
night instead of the usual week-long trip.
Now consider the negatives for Bethany. If she addresses the issue
now, Bethany will have to deal with her mother’s tantrum and silence, and grief from her sister. If she waits to have the discussion, she’ll have to suffer through an unpleasant dinner when she’d really rather be at home; she’ll
feel the same sense of dread as next Thanksgiving gets closer; and she’ll feel like a wimp for not speaking up.
What do your answers tell you about your own difficult issue? They
may not provide a clear-cut solution, and they may not take away that
feeling in the pit of your stomach as you think about talking to your parent. But your answers will help you identify your feelings, needs, and
priorities.
Remember that you’re charting new territory in the relationship, and
the road ahead is not a smooth one. Think of your project as clearing a
path through a jungle with only a machete. Sure, over time you’ll do it,
but not without mosquito bites, calloused hands, nicks and cuts, some
moments of extreme frustration, and the knowledge that some or much of
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the greenery you cleared will grow back and will need to be cleared again.
(Next time, though, it will be easier since the roots aren’t as firmly
entrenched and it hasn’t been growing for as long.)
Try to identify the direction in which you see your relationship with
your parent heading. What are your goals for the relationship? Since you
can’t expect him or her to change, what’s realistic? Examples of goals
include the following:
. I want to have a relationship where I’m not always reacting to my
mother’s crises and dropping everything to go help her.
. I really want to stop feeling like a scared little girl again every
time she gets angry with me.
. My goal is to maintain a relationship with my father but not let
him interfere with my marriage.
. It’s really important to me that my kids get to know their grand-
mother, but other than supervising to protect them, I need to stay
removed as much as possible.
. Right now, I just can’t think about any relationship with my
parent.
Know Your Rights
In any relationship, you have rights. Because someone is your parent or
has significant emotional challenges doesn’t change your right to your
rights! You’ll want to keep this list in mind as you read further and find your equilibrium in the relationship. You have the right
7 to feel safe in the relationship
7 to be treated respectfully
7 to not be abused verbally, emotionally, or physically
7 to be heard
7 to be appreciated and valued
7 to have your privacy and boundaries respected
7 to have your needs met
7 to feel good about yourself in the relationship
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STOP AND THINK: Relationship Rights
The previous list is not fixed. Can you think of other rights? What does
each right mean to you? For instance, “to feel safe in the relationship”
might mean not worrying that at any moment your parent may let loose
with a torrent of criticism at you.
Tools and Techniques for
Gaining Control
The remainder of this chapter contains a series of exercises, questions, and tools for you to use to minimize angry reactions to things your parent says and does, to confront and diffuse difficult situations, and to express your emotions more directly. You can use these guidelines to deal with a wide
variety of issues, from handling challenging family events such as birth-
days, holidays, funerals, and weddings (times when abandonment fears
and other emotions may run particularly high in those with borderline
traits), for instance, to explaining that you can no longer provide the
financial support you once did to your parent. You can apply them to relatively minor, mundane issues as well as major conflicts. And you can use
them in other areas of your life and with other people as well.
Bring Awareness to the Table
Remember what you learned when you were taught to cross the
street? Stop, look, and listen. The same principles help in other situations.
Before and during any contact with your parent, or other difficult individual, it’s important to be mindful of how you feel. Often, particularly when you’re under stress, it may be hard to really know. Perhaps, even more
often, you may just not stop to think about it.
Start noticing your own cues instead of overlooking them. What
physical sensations do you feel? Common physical reactions to anger
include pounding temples; “seeing white,” or light; a feeling of vibration in the head; ringing in your ears; flushing in the cheeks; clenched jaws
and fists; muscle tension in the arms, legs, neck, and shoulders; rapid,
shallow breathing; the feeling of burning or a knot in the stomach; and
nausea.
Note whether and how your stance and posture change. Do you sud-
denly feel more comfortable with your arms crossed in front of you, pro-
tectively? Do you tense your shoulders and round your back, symbolically
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protecting your chest? Do you stiffen and change your position to one
where you’re ready to make an escape from the situation? For example, if
you were sitting, do you stand up and face the direction of the doorway,
now that you’re feeling threatened? It may be helpful to use the body scan exercise from chapter 5 to help you detect where in your body you’re
reacting.
What other emotions do you feel? Are you scared? Sad? Hurt? What
emotions do you anticipate having after the interaction? For example,
after you get angry and have words with your parent, does guilt inevitably follow for you?
What thoughts are you having? What are some of those continu-
ous-loop messages that you hear in your head?
Notice what effects you anticipate as a result of your contact. Do
you sense you’ll be too wiped out and drained to go to work the next day
or to give your toddler a
bath later in the evening?
Ease Up on the Judgment
Recognizing and accepting how you feel is the first step toward
working through it. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. You
may not like that you have certain feelings about your parent and your
relationship. You may not like that you shake with anxiety before going to visit your father, but—obvious and trite as it may sound—that’s where
you are right now. So regardless of how you feel about how you feel, don’t censor or judge yourself.
STOP AND THINK: How Judgmental Are You?
On a scale from 1 to 5, 1 indicating that you don’t agree at all and 5 indicating that you agree entirely, rate how closely you identify with each of the following statements:
1. I wish I didn’t get so worked up every time I think about talking
to my mother.
2. I really shouldn’t have such guilty feelings.
3. I should be calmer and less afraid whenever I get ready to visit
my parents.
4. I hate myself for being so angry at him.
5. I’m a lousy son for feeling like this about my mother.
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Now add up your ratings. The higher your score, the more you’re
judging your feelings in a way that may be hampering your ability to
change them; learning to take a nonjudgmental stance toward your own
emotions should be a priority as you continue to read this chapter and
book.
For every statement above for which you responded with a 3, a 4, or
a 5, recast it into something less judgmental. For example, “I really
shouldn’t have such guilty feelings” can be recast to, “Now that I realize how guilty I feel, I can work to understand why and lessen those feelings so they’re not as overwhelming,” or “Like it or not, right now that’s just the way I feel.”
Out, Out, Damned Triggers
As we discussed, triggers are those emotional sparks that ignite anger
and other emotions. It’s important for you to know what yours are. In
dealing with your parent, there are likely behaviors and/or words that set you off, not because they’re so terrible in and of themselves, done or said in isolation, but because you’re experiencing them in context—that is, through your past experience and your present emotions. Once you recognize your triggers, you can do something about them.
Actions Speak Loudly
It may seem like there’s a huge list of things your parent does that
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