make you see red. If you think about it though, it’s likely that they fall into categories; that is, the particular circumstances may be different each time, but the core trigger is the same. Here are some examples:
Violating boundaries. Michelle’s mother frequently drops by without calling first to see if it’s okay. Sometimes she’ll bring candy for Michelle’s children, which Michelle has repeatedly told her not to do. On a couple
of occasions when Michelle was out, she cleaned her kitchen and left a
note about what bad shape it had been in.
Not respecting privacy. Michelle has also caught her mother, on more than one occasion, rifling through Michelle’s husband’s drawers looking
for money she’s convinced he has stashed.
108
Sur viving a Bor der line Par ent
STOP AND THINK: Know Your Action Trig gers
What are your trig gers? In addi tion to the behav iors that trig ger you, try to describe how your anger plays out, the spe cific cir cum stances.
What mes sages do these inci dents send to you each time they occur?
Imag ine you had never laid eyes on your par ent before—you two are per -
fect strang ers—and she did some thing that you’ve iden ti fied as a trig ger.
What would you think then? Would you get angry? How would you
respond?
Words Speak Loudly, Too
Trig gers can also be ver bal. Do you take a deep breath and tense up
each time you hear the word “always” come out of your father’s mouth?
Does the phrase, “If only you’d been…” give you a migraine? Words and
phrases that may trig ger anger include:
7 “You always . . .”.
7 “You never . . .”.
7 “You’re so . . .”.
7 “You don’t . . .”.
7 “You should . . .”.
7 “Some day maybe you’ll be able to under stand . . .”.
Other ver bal trig gers may include:
Accu sa tions, crit i cism, or per sonal attacks. Don’s mother, with out fail,
com
ments sar
cas
ti
cally on his wife’s parenting meth
ods at fam
ily
get-togethers. She also harps on him about his weight.
Blaming. When
ever Michelle tries to talk to her mother about her
out-of-control spend ing hab its, her mother blames Michelle’s father for not leav ing more money to his estate when he died.
Pro jecting. Michelle’s mother repeat
edly tells Michelle that (on top of
being a poor house keeper and mother) she really ought to learn how to
man
age her money. Really, it’s Michelle’s mother that needs some
money-management tips.
Other trig gers may include your par ent ask ing for help (or the way
he asks for help); inval i da tion of your opin ions, feel ings, and expressed
Communicating and Setting Limits
109
wishes; black-and-white thinking; teasing; rehashing the past; and
self-pity.
STOP AND THINK: Know Your Verbal Triggers
What are your verbal triggers? Are there others in addition to those listed here?
What do your verbal triggers say to you? For instance, when your
parent says, “If only you’d been more like your sister,” you might inter-
pret it as, “I love you less than her. I don’t value who you are.”
Imagine you had never laid eyes on your parent before—you two are
perfect strangers—and he made one of the statements you’ve identified as
a trigger. What would you hear then? Would you get angry? How would
you respond?
Context Is Key
As with just about all aspects of life, context is everything. If your
house is spotless, and your mother says you’re a lousy housekeeper, well, it’s pretty easy to feel confident she’s mistaken. You’re more likely to
write off the comment as another instance of her projection. But if your
house is messy one day and she says the same thing, then you might be
annoyed at her criticism.
Similarly, you may notice that you’re more quick to get angry in cer-
tain circumstances or settings than others. Maybe when your parents are
at your home, you tend to let things go more easily, but if you’re visiting them in their home, you have less control and feel overwhelmed by what
they do or say. Or maybe you can handle phone conversations easily, but
reading your mother’s long, rambling e-mails makes you grit your teeth.
Perhaps when others are around, your parent demonstrates nothing but
adoration and respect for you, but as soon as you’re alone, the accusations start flying. Or vice versa. Competing with others for your time and attention may be what brings on borderline behavior, so you find you’d rather
interact with your parent one-on-one.
STOP AND THINK:
Know Your Contextual Triggers
What are your contextual triggers? Do you notice patterns to how, when,
or where you’re the most likely to be triggered? Does it happen on certain
110
Surviving a Borderline Parent
holidays? With certain relatives present? In particular places or circum-
stances? Note your contextual triggers in your journal.
For each trigger, brainstorm a way to minimize or eliminate it. For
instance, if you tend to feel angry around your parents because of how
they play off each other and take sides against you when you’re all
together, you can commit to meeting with them by themselves. You can
meet your mother for breakfast, and invite your father over for lunch.
You Aren’t Made of Steel
Being human, you have your moments—or days or weeks!—of
weakness. Factors that may make it harder to manage your triggers and
resulting emotions may include not getting enough sleep (fatigue), physical illness or chronic pain, financial worries, relationship concerns, work
demands, anxiety about particular situations, substance use, side effects from prescription medications, lack of physical activity, and numerous
other things.
While you can’t always control every single thing that increases your
chances of having negative feelings triggered, knowing what your vulnera-
bilities are helps you work with them, rather than be ruled by them. If you know you’re at your wit’s end every Thursday because you have a standing deadline at work on Fridays, Thursday night probably isn’t the best
time to have dinner with your father. Likewise, if you’re completing a
course of radiation therapy, you might want to wait a few weeks to take
that trip to see your mother. Knowing what your sore spots are helps you
to minimize their impact, and it helps you assert yourself in situations
where you likely feel overwhelmed or out of control.
It’s not easy to admit to being human. Accept that you’ll be more
vulnerable at certain times than others. Don’t beat yourself up.
STOP AND THINK:
Know What Makes You React
What makes you more vulnerable to your triggers? Make sure as you write
them in your journal that you use judgment-free statements to describe
them. Just stick to the facts. For example, “When I don’t get nine hours of sleep, I’m irritable and anxious the next day,” or “When my arthritis
flares, it’s hard for me to have the patience to listen to my mother’s
rants.”
/> Communicating and Setting Limits
111
For each one, try to think of ways you can minimize its effects in
terms of dealing with your parent: “When I have plans to visit my father, I know I need to get some extra sleep the night before. If I can’t for some reason, I’ll call him in the morning and reschedule or I’ll make sure I can get in an hour of yoga before I leave home. That will help alleviate some of the irritability and anxiety.”
Difficult Parents Are People Too
Just as you have triggers of all sorts and vulnerabilities, so too does
your parent. In fact, someone who has difficulty handling his or her emo-
tions and has a heightened sensitivity to emotional stimuli may feel as
though just about everything in life is a trigger.
While you have to focus on your own well-being, it can be helpful
to note what your parent’s triggers and weak spots are as well. No, you
don’t want to concentrate all of your time, energy, and attention on your parent and her needs (you may very well feel that you’ve already done
enough of this throughout your life, thank you very much), but being
aware of what sets your parent off—to the extent that it’s predictable—
will ultimately help you.
Common triggers for someone with BPD or its traits are
7 threats of abandonment, perceived in things as seemingly minor
as you saying you have to get off the phone in a few minutes or
that you can’t come over tomorrow night because you have the-
ater tickets
7 an intolerance of being alone, physically or emotionally
7 feeling misunderstood
7 having a request denied
7 stress
7 uncertainty or change
7 experiencing a perceived loss (of status, money, a relationship, attention, loyalty)
7 medication, nonprescription substances, and other environmental
stimuli.
112
Surviving a Borderline Parent
STOP AND THINK:
Know Your Parent’s Triggers
. What are the behavioral, verbal, and contextual triggers you’ve
noticed for your parent?
. What seem to be his/her weaknesses?
. Are there ways you can work around them? If so, how might you
modify your communication and interaction to do so?
Know Your Priorities
Though you may not consciously realize it, in every interaction you
have (with anyone), you have priorities. No, it’s not as devious as it
sounds, but you do have an agenda of sorts when you communicate with
others. For instance, you may be focused on expressing an opinion, saying no, asking for a favor, offering help, or increasing the closeness of a relationship. And your agenda dictates the words you choose, the tone of your voice, even your body language.
Your agenda may change from interaction to interaction. For
instance, at one point in time, it may be most important to you to
communicate your dissatisfaction with your parent’s unwillingness to
accept responsibility for a drinking problem. With your next conversation, you may decide that you won’t be satisfied until you’ve come to mutual
undertstanding about an issue and can end the conversation with “I love
you,” the way you used to.
STOP AND THINK:
Know Your Goals
Think of a recent or upcoming interaction with your parent. Describe the
situation as completely as possible. What makes it a troubling situation?
Now think about what results you want to see. How do you want to
feel about yourself and your relationship afterward? How do you hope
your parent will feel?
Which results are the most important to you in this particular
interaction?
Note: It may be difficult to clearly rank your desired outcomes.
Rather than providing definitive answers, going through this process will
Communicating and Setting Limits
113
help you better understand your own needs and how they translate into
the choices you make about communication—when, where, how.
Communicating as Clearly as a Bell
The suggestions below can be incorporated into conversations about
a wide range of circumstances, from the ordinary and everyday to the serious. They’re meant to help you express your needs in a way that’s respectful of your parent—or anyone else with whom you use them. You’ll want
to adapt them to your own personal style, using words and sequences that
are comfortable. And you’ll want to practice. Try some of them out on the next telemarketer who calls, or a store clerk or customer service representative. When you’re ready to use them in a conversation with your parent, start with a small issue first.
You may also want to keep a cheat sheet on an index card in your
wallet, in your car’s glove box, near the phone, or next to the computer
where you most often check your e-mail.
Remember too that with any communication, it’s important to think
about what you want the results to be, and then to move forward with
confidence in your right to ask for and achieve them. That means paying
attention to your eye contact, posture, voice tone, volume, and inflection.
You can use the word BELL to help you remember the following ele-
ments of clear communication:
7 Be direct about how you see the situation. Try to focus on the
facts. “Mom, the last few times we’ve visited, I’ve noticed that
you’ve made disparaging comments about my weight—either you
say I’m too thin or you tell me I look ‘chunky.’”
7 Express yourself by stating your feelings, opinions, and beliefs.
“My weight is my business, and I don’t want to talk about it with
you.”
7 Lay your request on the line. It should be realistic and feasible (if
you really expect to have it fulfilled). You don’t need to explain
it. “So when we get together, the topic of my weight and dieting
are off limits.”
When possible, present an alternative that’s acceptable to
you. “When we get together, if you must mention my appearance,
I want it to be something positive, like how much you like my
outfit.” Or, “Mom, if you’re worried that when we eat out you
might slip and bring up my weight, we can always do something
114
Surviving a Borderline Parent
that doesn’t involve food. Maybe we can go see a movie together.
You love movies, and I’ve really missed going since I had the
kids.” (Most people react better when presented with options
rather than demands or conditions.) In some situations, if you’re
open to suggestions about how to solve an issue, you might ask
the other person what he thinks a mutually agreeable result might
be. Involving him in the process might make it easier for him to
meet your request without feeling bad or like you made him do
something.
7 Lay the reward on the line too. “If we stay away from the subject
of my weight when we get together, it’ll make our time together
much more enjoyable for both of us.”
Adding a “thank you,” or, “I really appreciate that you took the time
to listen to me (to work with me, to hear me, to take my view into
account)” won’t hurt either!
Coping with Resistance and Rages
You may
need to repeat the sequence above, or some of its parts,
several times in response to resistance from the other person. Resistance may come in the form of a “But . . . ,” (“But honey, you know I just want the best for you—you’re not happy and Bobby doesn’t find you as attractive when you’re fat”) or “Wait, that’s not fair,” or an outright attack, a nasty comment, or an attempt to change the subject. Don’t lose sight of
your initial reasons for the communication. You can also respond by vali-
dating or acknowledging how she feels and then continue to reiterate
what you’ve said before. For instance, “Mom, no, I may not understand
exactly where you’re coming from, and I still need you to agree not to discuss my weight.” Note the use of and instead of but, a word which in effect nullifies what you just said. Or, “I can see how it might not seem entirely fair to you. For us to have a good time together, we won’t be able to talk about those topics.”
Acknowledging and validating how your parent feels doesn’t mean
you’re giving in—you’re simply conveying that you can relate on some
level. Though you may not agree with the reaction or the degree of the
response, if you look at the situation from your parent’s perspective
(including through his emotional lens), his words and actions may make a
bit more sense. Validating how your parent feels may help you stay calmer too. While it’s not likely to solve the issue entirely, it may very well prevent it from escalating.
Communicating and Setting Limits
115
Some validating phrases that you can adapt for your own conversa-
tions include the following:
7 That must be hard to take/hear/watch/come to terms with.
7 I can see how that would be a huge challenge/obstacle.
7 I can see how that would be really upsetting to you.
7 I would have felt awful about that too.
7 If someone said/did that to me, I’d feel . . . too.
7 That’s hard/difficult/too bad/awful—I’m sorry you had to deal
with that.
If your parent is raging or begins to rage during your discussion, you
can try the same technique, modified to address the behavior, for exam-
ple, “I’d like for us to be able to talk, and we can’t do it when you’re yelling.” If the behavior becomes too explosive to continue the conversation, make a statement that you would like to finish the conversation and you’ll have to do it when your parent is calmer. Then you should remove yourself from the situation as you would from any other abusive, dangerous,
Surviving the Borderline Parent Page 15
