or potentially violent circumstance (Kreger and Mason 1998).
It’s not hard to feel like you’re going to lose your composure when
you encounter a lot of resistance, accusations, or escalation. However, saying certain things to yourself may help you keep your cool (McKay, Rog-
ers, and McKay 1989).
7 Getting angry, too, isn’t going to help the situation.
7 I don’t need to prove myself.
7 I’m not going to let this get to me.
7 For someone to act like this, she must be really unhappy.
7 There’s no need to doubt myself. I know what’s best for me.
7 I don’t like how he’s acting and it’s not effective, but he’s using
the only problem-solving skills he knows.
7 I don’t have to take this. I can withdraw from the conversation at
any time.
It’s about You
Framing your statements in terms of what you want, need, think,
and feel prevents you from inadvertently making accusations against oth-
ers. Use “I” statements to be direct; they let others know just where you
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stand. “I” statements keep you focused on your needs, and they make it
harder for the other person to argue with you (not impossible, mind you,
but definitely harder).
Next time your parent challenges you or invalidates your feelings,
try to structure your responses first with an acknowledgment of his posi-
tion and then with a strong, direct “I” statement of your own, such as one of these responses, adapted from Kreger and Mason (1998):
7 Maybe you’re okay with . . . , and I’m not. I think. . . .
7 You might feel . . . when . . . happens, and I feel. . . .
7 Maybe you find it funny to . . . I think it’s. . . .
7 It sounds like you think it’s not a big deal to. . . . I don’t agree.
To me it seems. . . .
7 You seem to do things this way. That doesn’t work for me. I
do. . . .
7 It sounds like you think I’m saying. . . . I feel misunderstood.
What I’m intending to say is. . . .
7 Yes, and I have a different perspective on that. We don’t have to
agree.
7 You may not remember it that way. That doesn’t mean it didn’t
happen, and I feel . . . about it.
STOP AND THINK: Instant Replay
Think of a recent troublesome interaction with your parent. Try to recon-
struct the dialogue as much as possible. What did each of you say and
how?
Now go back through what you said and see if there might be
opportunities to put some of the tools in this chapter to use, should a similar conversation take place in the future. Would you change what you
said and how you said it in any way? If so, write how.
A Few More Things
As you interact with your parent and set healthy limits, keep these addi-
tional tools in your toolbox.
Communicating and Setting Limits
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Know Your Limits
It’s hard to appear confident and assert yourself when you’re not
quite clear on what you’re asserting. Before you address an issue with your parent or state your needs, be sure to clarify it to yourself first. What do you want? How far are you willing to go to get it? What are you willing
to give up? Are there alternatives you can accept and, if so, what are they?
Knowing what you’re after helps keep you focused; it will help keep the
issues from getting muddy during emotionally charged conversations.
Don’t Expect Flowers
As you set limits and communicate more directly, you can’t expect
your parent to be thrilled about it. Using the earlier analogy, when you
stop waltzing and start to tango, or begin to do anything else that changes comfortable dynamics, for that matter, your parent may feel threatened or rejected. He may question your love, your loyalty, your sanity. That goes with the new territory. So it’s important for you to find ways to manage
your own feelings about the potential rejection. Some of the tools for
grief, acceptance, and overcoming guilt covered in chapters 3 and 4 may
be helpful in this context as well.
Be Prepared to Pull Back
Despite the difficulties you may have with your parent, you still may
have a close relationship. You may talk or visit often; your parent may be the first one you turn to when you have good (or bad) news to share; you
may be very involved in each other’s lives. But you may find you also have to separate yourself a bit. That may mean visiting less often, cutting down the time you spend on the phone, not sharing as many personal details or
as much news of what’s happening in your life as you once did. It may
mean finding another confidante. It may mean saying no when your par-
ent asks for help during a perceived crisis. It may mean not reneging on
the limits you’ve set after a period of calm. It may mean pulling back from other relatives who are still enmeshed with your parent too. Only you can determine the extent to which you’ll need to detach.
Choose Your Battles
As part of their healing process, some adult children of parents with
borderline traits choose to confront them. Often, these adult children
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write letters detailing the past and explaining how it’s affected them in the present. Some raise the issue of BPD and suggest their parent seek treatment. There’s no right or wrong thing to do. Like everything else we’ve
discussed in this book, you have to decide what’s right for you. And you
can’t expect anything you do or say to change your parent. Given your
parent’s challenges, it may not be realistic to expect him to read a long letter about what he may have done wrong, and to accept responsibility,
acknowledge that he has some troublesome behaviors, and ask for help.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t write (and send) such a letter if that’s
what you need to do. As with any other type of confrontation, you’ll want to examine—and be clear about—your objectives, your motivation, your
needs, short- and long-term consequences and, most importantly, your
expectations for change.
Find the Humor
The adage, “Laughter is the best medicine,” is indeed true. Wherever
possible, try to see the humor and irony of your situation. Be able to laugh at yourself. Human beings are fascinating creatures, prone to act in silly, bizarre, seemingly contradictory ways, for a variety of reasons. There’s
certainly no shortage of material!
CHAPTER 7
Reconstructing the Past,
Assessing the Present
As you examine your past experiences and gain insight into the dynamics
of BPD and how they played out in your family, you begin to understand
and identify many things: the roles you and other family members played; the rules by which your family functioned; perceptions, opinions, and expectations you and other family members held and maybe still hold.
Doing so lets you challenge those roles, rules, and the characteristics you developed as a result.
Learning by Osmosis
Having grown up with a parent with borderline traits, some—perhaps
much—of what you learned, saw, and were told by your parent was influ-
enced by his emotional temperament. Imagine your parent had diabetes
and did a good job managing his illness. Your house wouldn’t have had
many sweets around; you would have gotten used to seeing your parent
follow a strict diet, test his blood, and perhaps inject himself with insulin on a daily basis. You would have learned what signs meant his blood sugar was too low, and you would have come to learn what signs meant his
sugar was too high. It would all seem normal, after a while—not good or
bad, just the way things in your family are.
Similarly, you got used to having a parent with BPD traits. And these
traits profoundly affect relationships. Think of the DSM-IV (APA 1994)
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criteria and other manifestations—inconsistency, denial, projection,
black-and-white thinking, difficulty expressing anger, volatility, often feeling emotionally overwhelmed, abandoned, rejected, attacked, ignored, and
ashamed. Any of these manifestations, not to mention any combination,
can affect relationships and family dynamics in significant ways. And given that you were a child, your parent’s temperament and challenges undoubtedly had an impact on how you interacted with others as well.
Playing Your Role
In your family, you may have been assigned a role. You may have
been the black sheep, excluded from conversations and only learning
about things second-hand. Or you may have been the best friend in whom
your parent confided whenever there was a conflict with a relative. You
might have been the ally, expected to take your parent’s side whenever
there was a disagreement. Perhaps you were the fall guy instead, the one
who stepped in to fight your parent’s battles and communicate her discon-
tent with the person she deemed responsible. You may have experienced
any combination of these roles—or numerous others—depending on your
age, the circumstances, and your parent’s needs.
Absorbing Beliefs
As a result of being involved in the unhealthy and unpredictable
ways your parent likely related to others, you may have experienced
estrangements, family feuds, or heard opinions from your parent that dia-
metrically opposed your impressions or others’ beliefs. You may have
watched as family members were worshipped or demonized, or both. “I’ll
never speak to you again,” may have been your parent’s primary method
of resolving conflict. And you may have been asked to take the same stand to help prove your parent was right. You may have been told that Aunt
Thelma was a loon, or that your brother was a freeloader and trouble
even in utero, for instance. And after hearing these things over and over, you might have come to believe them yourself. No, or few, questions
asked. Even if your experience with Aunt Thelma and your brother told
you otherwise, you may have accepted your parent’s beliefs in order to get his approval or, simply, because as a child and even a young adult, you
think (and need to believe) that your parent knows best.
Reconstructing the Past, Assessing the Present
121
Putting the Pieces Together
Now as an adult, it’s important to look back and, as much as possible, sift through the past to discern your own thoughts and feelings and to learn
more about who the people were around you. Aunt Thelma may not have
been a loon. Your impression as a child that she was a kind, warm, funny, offbeat lady may have been spot on. Your brother may have been open
and generous to a fault as a youngster but grew to be rebellious and sullen as a teenager (after years of criticism and blame from your parent). There may have been some objective truth to the things your parent believed.
There may have been little. It doesn’t matter. It’s up to you now to make your own assessments as a somewhat detached witness who suspends judgment and deals only with the facts as much as possible.
Family Affairs
A family is a system. It’s important, as you think back, to note not
only how your parent functioned, but how others around her did (your
other parent, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, even close family
friends, and of course yourself), and what the dynamics were like among
all of you.
STOP AND THINK: Family Rules
Think of a few events in your life, such as a family conflict (within your immediate or extended family), divorce, death, job loss, a move, an illness, that stand out in your memory. Write a description of each in your journal, including your age at the time.
Now consider how each instance was handled by you and the vari-
ous members of your nuclear and extended family. You can use the fol-
lowing questions to prompt you, but feel free to add your own
impressions and recollections:
. How was the incident addressed by different people? Was it
talked about openly and honestly, or were some of the facts
changed deliberately to protect people? Was it talked about with
disdain? In hushed voices? With a roll of the eyes? With tension
in the air? Did a fight ensue?
. How were you told about the incident? How was it explained to
you? Did you receive any messages about how you were supposed
to feel and react?
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. How did you feel? How did you react and express your feelings?
. How were your reactions received? Were your feelings validated?
Invalidated?
. How overly-involved or avoidant were members of your extended
family?
. What images or scenes do you recall? How about any words or
phrases or conversations that stick in your mind?
. Do you see any patterns among the reactions of family members?
Do certain people seem to reliably stick their head in the sand,
while others seem to elbow their way straight into the center of
conflict?
. Do you see any patterns in your own reactions?
Go to the Sources
In addition to your own memories, which may have formed quite
some time ago, there are other ways of learning what life was like in your family. Talk to relatives, even distant ones who you may think don’t have much to share. They might surprise you with their recollections and
insight. Talk to family friends and former neighbors. (If you’ve lost track of some of these people and want to locate them, the Internet is a helpful resource.)
Those with BPD-like patterns of thinking and behavior have differ-
ent areas of competence and different responses to different people. They may function very well in certain situations or around particular people
and less well under other circumstances. They may have idealized some
people in their life and bitterly hated others. Different family members
and friends will have had very different experiences with your parent, so it’s important to cast your informational net as wide as possible to get a better idea of your family dynamics.
It’s also important to get as much input as possible because it will be
difficult for you to see all aspects of your parent. As a child, and as your parent’s child, you saw your parent from a particular perspective. Your
view would have been quite different if you’d been an adult.
You’ve also felt (and may still feel) a great deal of pain because of
your relationship with your parent, which may preclude your seeing or
remembering some of the good. Given human survival instincts, and the
strong chemical and physical reactions we have to trauma, it’s far more
Reconstructing the Past, Asses
sing the Present
123
likely for us to recall dangerous, violent, or emotionally volatile situations than the calm, peaceful ones (ever heard of post-euphoric stress disorder?
While much research is being done on the effects of happiness on health,
pleasure doesn’t seem to have the same jarring effect on us that pain
does). These experiences are registered strongly, particularly when the
trauma is inflicted by a parent, close relative, or caretaker—the per-
son/people upon whom you most heavily depend for survival.
As a result, any subsequent incident that even remotely resembles
the first triggers strong emotions—anger, fear, sadness—and negative associations grow. This is not to say that your negative feelings aren’t justified; rather it’s to remind you that little in life is 100 percent good or 100 percent bad (know anyone who thinks that it is?!). In thinking about her
childhood experience with her mother, who would alternate between
being very loving and then raging uncontrollably, Donna, forty-two, says,
“It helped me to keep in mind that my mother didn’t ask to be borderline.
Whether it was caused by heredity or the environment, she didn’t choose
it, and she never set out to make my life miserable. In her own way, she
tried her best. One of the gifts she gave me was to always encourage my
painting. That was one thing she always praised. I’m not surprised that I grew up to be a painter.”
STOP AND THINK: Positive Recollections
. Sit quietly and think of a positive memory—however fleeting—
that you had with a parent, even one who was mostly invalidating
and/or abusive. Do you remember a song, a story, a particular
walk, or a gift—a snapshot of a moment when you felt happy,
glad, loved, joyful even, with your parent?
. Note what senses get aroused when you think of that moment. Is
it smell, touch, sight, sound? Are these sensations that now arouse
positive feelings for you?
. Write about how it feels to be able to focus on a positive mem-
ory, a positive moment, with your parent.
What You’re After
As you talk with people, you’ll want to learn your family’s history
and individual members’ experiences with anxiety, depression, substance
use/abuse, schizophrenia, BPD, childhood abuse or neglect, abusive
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