Surviving the Borderline Parent

by Freda Friedman

  While you may miss certain aspects of these people and your relationships with them, rest assured your life will ultimately be richer and healthier without their behavior. And later on, if you see that these people have

  changed and can respect your limits, you can always invite them back into your life.

  Building Self-Esteem

  Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life, by Jan Black and Greg Enns (1997), opens with a powerfully simple statement: “You protect what you care about” (p. 9). Healthy self-esteem is a good predictor of healthy boundaries. Self-esteem means you feel good about who you

  are; it means you believe in yourself and trust that you’ll know what’s best for you when it comes time to make decisions; it means you’ll know (or

  have faith that you’ll figure out) who and what to let into your life and on what terms, and who and what to limit. It means you have a sense of ownership of your life and all of your choices; it means you live consciously and deliberately, rather than being overly cautious and fearful or allowing yourself to be pulled, drawn, or torn by others.

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  Self-esteem is learned early on. Infants who receive affection and

  mirroring of their emotions and perceptions begin to feel confident and,

  despite their dependence, secure. Children who are raised with inconsis-

  tent or inadequate nurturing and/or any type of abuse, on the other hand, learn to feel bad about themselves. This encompasses physical or emotional abandonment by a parent, chaotic or inconsistent punishments and

  rewards, criticism, and parentification, where children are taught to parent their parent and that having or expressing their own needs is selfish, bad, and wrong. These children grow into adults who feel fundamentally

  flawed and unworthy, like there’s something wrong with them that can

  never be fixed.

  Feeling bad about yourself amplifies the hurtful and the negative in

  your life. If someone gets angry at you, you assume you must be wrong. If someone ends a relationship with you, you assume it’s because you’re a

  bad person. You may gravitate toward friends and romantic involvements

  that are abusive or destined not to work out because you feel like you

  deserve no better. You may feel, on some level, that you deserve a painful life, or at least that you don’t deserve to be happy (McKay and Fanning

  2000).

  Poor self-esteem is insidious—it creeps into and darkens every aspect

  of your life. It may contribute to depression, anxiety and stress, physical illnesses, hostility and resentment, unhealthy relationships, substance

  abuse, poor personal hygiene and self-care, and emotional withdrawal

  (Schiraldi 2001).

  STOP AND THINK: Self-Esteem Self-Assessment

  On a scale of 0 to 10, rate how closely you agree with each of the following statements, which are adapted from an exercise in The Self-Esteem Workbook, by Glenn Schiraldi (2001). Zero indicates you don’t agree at all; 10 indicates you agree completely. As you do the exercise, don’t ana-lyze each statement; simply respond with the number that best represents

  your gut-level reaction.

  1. I am a valuable person.

  2. I possess the qualities I need to live a fulfilling life.

  3. When I look in the mirror, I feel good.

  4. I think of myself as a success.

  5. I’m able to laugh at myself.

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  6. I’m happy being me.

  7. Given a choice, I’d choose to be me over someone else.

  8. I treat myself with respect.

  9. I continue to believe in myself, even when others don’t.

  10. Overall, I’m satisfied with the person I am.

  Take note of any responses for which you answered with a 5 or

  lower. Consider how your thoughts and feelings in these areas may be

  impacting your self-esteem. Write about your reactions in your journal.

  A Sense of Entitlement

  The term sense of entitlement often has a negative connotation, as when someone has the audacity to believe they deserve something that

  they don’t. But particularly where happiness and contentment are con-

  cerned, some amount of feeling entitled is healthy. If your self-esteem is low, however, it may be hard to feel entitled to anything.

  Jaime recalls how, because of her low self-esteem, she felt undeserv-

  ing. “It came out in material ways—I wouldn’t hesitate to buy nice gifts

  for friends and family and make donations to all kinds of organizations,

  but when it came to spending money on myself, I was a real miser. Most

  of my wardrobe was outdated, but it didn’t seem worthwhile to replace

  my clothes. My furniture was from graduate school (ten years earlier), but that seemed passable too. My desk was a folding table and thrift shop bargain, and they were also adequate. But I had the money to replace all of

  these things. Slowly, after working on feeling better about myself, I realized that it was worthwhile to replace this stuff with things I would enjoy.

  I didn’t have to settle for adequate and passable—I could have a closet,

  living room, and office that I actually love to walk into.”

  STOP AND THINK: You’re Entitled

  Think of some things you can do to show yourself you’re entitled to

  well-being and enjoyment. Be sure to include changes you might make in

  the areas of material possessions, friendships and relationships, and health.

  For instance, you might make room in your schedule to spend more time

  with a friend who makes you laugh (or spend less time with a friend who

  drains you), or buy a new suit this season instead of just an accessory to update it. You might buy a new bed or paint your bedroom a shade you’ve

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  always wanted. You might sign yourself up for a yoga class even though

  the holidays are coming and you’ll be spending money on gifts for others.

  On Purpose

  Self-esteem is also intricately connected with purpose. Healthy

  self-esteem not only helps you know what you want and need to do, but it

  provides you with faith in yourself and the confidence that you’ll achieve your goal. Likewise, a sense of purpose helps you feel competent and confident. But what if you’re not sure about what your purpose is? Chances

  are it will become clear to you if you slow down, listen to your inner

  voice, and think a bit.

  Have you ever been doing something and been so caught up in it

  that you didn’t notice the time passing? Done something that lifted your

  mood considerably? Thought to yourself, “Wow, this is really fun?” That feeling of immersion, of total absorption in an activity is called flow (Csikszentmihalyi 1991). You don’t achieve that state with just any activity, and so the feeling of flow is a good indicator that you’re doing something you have a natural ability and inclination for. Other indicators

  include activities that make you feel better, that make you feel sure of

  yourself, that you enjoy sharing with and teaching to others.

  STOP AND THINK: What’s Your Purpose?

  If you’re not sure about what your purpose or goals might be, consider the following:

  . What gets you out of a bad mood? Perhaps it’s playing music, or

  writing, or reading, working with children, singing.

  . What are you passionate about?

  . What would your friends say you’re “a natural” at?

  . Are there any common themes to your most satisfying experi-

  ences, for example, do they involve helping others or expressin
g

  yourself in some creative way?

  Write about how you feel during the activities you mentioned above.

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  Think of three ways you can do more of the activities that give you

  a sense of purpose and move you toward your goals. How can you further

  integrate these activities into your life?

  Should You or Shouldn’t You?

  If there’s one word that will send you on a detour from your pur-

  pose and goals the fastest, it’s the word should. Should indicates obligation; it indicates something that’s externally imposed rather than freely chosen (by you). Should says you ought to be living by someone else’s standards and values instead of your own.

  Without a strong sense of self, without much trust in yourself, with-

  out healthy boundaries, it’s easy to let others’ values dictate who you

  ought to be and what you ought to do with your life. On a daily basis,

  should may perch on your shoulder, continuously reminding you that you’re not quite living up to what you, well, should be. Do any of the following statements resonate with you?

  7 I shouldn’t be selfish.

  7 I should be a better parent (lover, friend).

  7 I should apply myself more.

  7 I should do something where I earn more money.

  7 I should go home now; she’s waiting for me.

  7 I shouldn’t get angry so quickly.

  7 I shouldn’t be so quick to judge.

  7 I should go to work today—I’m not that sick.

  7 I should have more patience with him.

  STOP AND THINK: Should You

  Think of all areas of your life—relationships, your home life, social and recreational activities, work and professional life, self-improvement and creative pursuits, sexuality, political, community and religious activities, finances, your appearance, nutrition and fitness, your emotional life.

  Write your shoulds down.

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  Now rephrase each statement to a pronouncement that reflects your

  true feelings. Instead of “I should” or “I shouldn’t,” try “I prefer,” “I’d rather,” “I try,” “I want.”

  The Mind-Body-Spirit Interconnection

  Your emotional well-being is dependent upon and at the same time

  influences your physical, intellectual, and spiritual health. Think about it—your mind, body, and spirit are really all part of the same being: you.

  If one area is suffering, the others are likely to as well. For example, if you’re feeling depressed, you’re not going to be nearly as intellectually curious; you’re more likely to physically suffer from ailments such as

  aches and pains, stomach problems, and headaches; and you’re going to

  lack some of your usual spark. If, on the other hand, you’re happy and

  optimistic, you’ll seek out challenges, you’ll want to learn, you’ll feel better, and you’ll notice your energy level rise.

  Your Mind

  There are unlimited ways to nourish your mind. You can take a class,

  learn a new skill, volunteer for a new job responsibility or project at work, pick up an instrument you used to play but haven’t touched in a while, or you can learn to play a new one. You can participate in a community band, choir, or theater production. You can subscribe to a magazine in a field

  you’re unfamiliar with. You can do crossword puzzles, join Internet discussion forums, make time to read the newspaper or a few pages of a book

  daily, or join a nonprofit organization and volunteer your time. Sometimes just resting your body and thinking, processing the events of the day, or week, or year, goes a long way toward nourishing your mind.

  STOP AND THINK: Nurture Your Mind

  What are the things you do to nurture your mind? What things would you

  like to add to your repertoire? Sketch out a plan that includes making

  more time for the things you like to do as well as time for adding a new

  activity.

  Write in your journal about the changes you notice over time.

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  Your Body

  Though much of this book focuses on your thoughts and emotions,

  your body is an integral part of your journey toward healing childhood

  wounds. Taking care of it will only support and hasten the trip.

  Eat well. It’s a common analogy used to teach nutrition to school children, but it’s true: What you eat and drink fuels your body just as gasoline powers an automobile. Develop a healthy diet that includes plenty of

  fresh, whole foods, complex carbohydrates, adequate protein, and reduced

  fat (particularly fat from animal sources), sugars, and salt. Stay away from diets offering quick weight loss, which isn’t healthy, and those that don’t call for a proportionately balanced intake of nutrients. Nutritional information abounds on the Internet, books, magazines, and your doctor’s

  office, so if you’re confused about what’s right for you or read conflicting information (unfortunately there’s much of that out there as well!), consult a professional.

  Get exercise. Regular aerobic exercise can improve the symptoms of depression. Even if you’re not depressed, exercise will make you feel

  better. It improves circulation, oxygen flow throughout your body,

  improves clarity of thought, and relieves stress. If you haven’t been exercising, see your doctor first and then start slowly. Have realistic expectations. If you’ve been sedentary, going to a high-impact ninety-minute step aerobics class is likely to do more harm than good. You’ll find it hard to keep up, you’ll be sore afterward, and you might very well get discouraged. Instead ramp up your activity level slowly—it will be easier to stick with. Enlist a friend to exercise with you, if possible. And remember that exercise doesn’t have to mean hours spent at a gym. Do what you like to

  do. Walking, hiking, biking, swimming, dancing, jumping rope, skiing,

  and rollerblading all count. Finally, don’t expect to see or feel dramatic changes overnight. Like everything else we’ve talked about in this book,

  change takes time.

  Sleep well. The Sandman can work wonders. Let him. Without adequate sleep, you get irritable and fatigued. Your immune system becomes compromised. Your patience wears thin, and you’re more prone to accidents

  and forgetfulness. Most people require about eight hours of sleep each

  night; some need an hour or two or three more than that, and some can

  get by on only four or five hours of sleep. Do what makes you feel best. If you’re waking up during the night, or you don’t feel rested in the morning, see a sleep specialist. Certain disorders and substances, including

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  antidepressants and other medications, alcohol, and sleep apnea can all

  affect the quality and duration of your sleep.

  STOP AND THINK: Nurture Your Body

  What are the things you do to nurture your body? What things would you

  like to add to your repertoire? Sketch out a plan that includes at least one positive change in each area—nutrition, fitness, sleep. It can be as simple as buying a more comfortable pillow, drinking an extra glass of water each day, or adding one minute to your morning walk.

  Write in your journal about the changes you notice over time.

  Your Spirit

  Spirituality means different things to different people, whether it be

  following the traditions of a particular religion, having faith in a higher power, or following whatever it is that guides you toward a sense of both inner peace and of belonging in the world. Some people prefer going to

  church, while others prefer a walk on the beach at sunri
se. Some achieve a sense of inner peace by noticing beauty in ordinary places—in the flower

  pot your neighbor just set outside, in the deep green of a plant leaf at your office, in the smell of chocolate as you unwrap a mid-afternoon treat, in the crayon drawing your son or daughter brings home from school and

  proudly hands you. Others soothe their souls through meditation, or

  down time, even if it’s only for five minutes a day.

  STOP AND THINK: Nurture Your Spirit

  What are the things you do to nurture your spirit? What things would you

  like to add to your repertoire? Sketch out a plan that includes at least one positive change, small as it may seem.

  Write in your journal about the changes you notice over time.

  CHAPTER 10

  Putting It All Together

  The healing process described in this book is neither linear nor finite.

  You’ll likely never reach a point in time where you’ll sit back and say,

  “Whew, now I’m finally done.” Rather, the issues you confront and work through will ebb and flow as you’re faced with new circumstances and as

  new people enter and leave your life.

  And despite your hard work and progress, you may always feel rem-

  nants of sadness or other emotions that run deep. You may have days that

  seem especially trying, when you’ll feel like you must have taken a few

  steps backward. You may have times when you wonder if you’re doing the

  right things, whether your reactions are normal, typical, or, at the very least, rational and understandable. Those thoughts are indeed normal, and healthy even. They indicate growth. Think of it this way: if you break

  your ankle, you may forever feel a twinge of pain when the weather is

  damp and cold—there’s just no getting around that. But that doesn’t mean

  your now-mended ankle keeps you from jogging and dancing when the

  sun is shining.

  Over time you’ll notice how you’ve changed. You’ll be rewarded

  when you’re faced with a situation you’ve faced countless times before,

  but this time you find that you’re handling it differently (better) than you did in the past. You’ll be rewarded when something wonderful happens