Kangblabla!

by Andrew Gates

  Kangblabla!

  The following short-stories are works of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this collection have been invented by the author’s imagination and are not intended to represent anything in the real world.

  First proof copy published for America by Kindle Direct Publishing in 2018. Printed in America by KDP, part of the Amazon group of companies.

  First edition.

  Kangblabla!

  Copyright © 2018 by Andrew Gates

  Written by Andrew Gates

  Cover art by Sarah Anderson with artwork by Lloyd Ladera

  Interior formatting by Michelle Campbell-Scott

  All rights reserved

  ISBN: 9781728725246

  Contents

  Sigma Delta Purple

  Totalus

  Desmond of the Asteroid Belt

  Valentine's Day 1979

  The Intergalactic Post Office

  Kangblabla!

  By Andrew Gates

  Kangblabla!

  Sigma Delta Purple

  It’s 1999 at College State and Gordan is ready to score with his crush during a party at the Sigma Delta Purple frat house. But the event is suddenly interrupted when an extra-terrestrial arrives, granting four boys the opportunity to unlock all knowledge in the universe. The catch: the knowledge can only be claimed by a virgin… and no frat brother is willing to admit that they are.

  Totalus

  The powerful Totalus Empire, led by the sinister Emperor Totalus, has constructed its secret weapon: The World Ender Base, the largest, most advanced battle station in the universe. Crewed by a staff of thousands, the station strikes fear in the hearts of the brave Resistance.

  But with a crew so large, it is easy to forget about the little-guys: the soldier who waits in position for hours just to salute the Emperor as he emerges from his shuttle, the pilot who gets left behind because her fighter didn’t have gas, or the bartender who sees it all, because you know there must be a bar in a place like this.

  Told over a series of five vignettes, meet the ordinary people who make the universe’s deadliest battle station what it is.

  Desmond of the Asteroid Belt

  Desmond lives alone on the asteroid belt and is afraid to venture outside his home, but when his brother is suddenly taken captive by a mysterious villain, he’ll have to learn to face his fears once and for all.

  Valentine’s Day 1979: An Intergalactic Adventure

  It’s Valentine’s Day in 1979 and for Ryan Gifford, love is just the one thing he can’t seem to find in the City of Brotherly Love. But after a strange encounter at the local cinema, Ryan’s life suddenly takes a dramatic change when he learns he must marry an alien princess in order to stop an intergalactic war. Whether he is ready for it or not, Ryan is thrusted into a life of romance, intrigue and space aliens who don’t seem to understand his 70s slang.

  Confused about the lingo as you read along? Visit this this helpful online guide for all your 1970s slang translations: inthe70s.com/generated/terms.shtml

  The Intergalactic Post Office

  Karen works a simple job behind the counter at the Intergalactic Post Office, responsible for delivering packages across the galaxy. With all walks of life visiting the office each day, she never knows who might walk in!

  Sigma Delta Purple

  It’s 1999 at College State and Gordan is ready to score with his crush during a party at the Sigma Delta Purple frat house. But the event is suddenly interrupted when an extra-terrestrial arrives, granting four boys the opportunity to unlock all knowledge in the universe. The catch: the knowledge can only be claimed by a virgin… and no frat brother is willing to admit that they are.

  Sigma Delta Purple

  “Will the Real Slim Shady please stand up?” the crowd chanted as Eminem’s new track blasted through the $30 speakers taped to the ceiling of the dimly lit fraternity house on Fraternizer’s Row.

  The house smelled of cheap beer. The scent was literally embedded into the wood of the walls, the floor, the ceiling. Even breathalyzing the air itself would have given a positive read.

  Gordan jumped up and down to the song, then fisted the air to the tight beats, careful not to spill any of the beer out of the open can in his hand.

  “Yo, G-Man!” Paul “Paulie-Boy” Fatone shouted, waving his free hand.

  “Yo,” he replied. He stopped dancing and pushed his way through the crowd until he met up with Paulie-Boy.

  Paulie-Boy was a classic Italian stereotype. He had thick black hair, a short stocky build and tanned skin. What he lacked in stature he made up for in smooth coolness. Paulie-Boy had a way with the girls. Everyone knew it. He bragged about sleeping with so many girls, sometimes multiple at the same time. There were even rumors going around that Paulie-Boy was only two girls away from sleeping with the entire Alpha Epsilon January sorority house.

  “Hey man, this party is the bomb!” Paulie-Boy said, smiling.

  “Thanks.”

  Gordan had done most of the work to set up the party. He had procured the drinks, the food, set up the music, everything. This was his creation, his baby.

  Paulie-Boy leaned in close, keeping his voice down, or as down as he could with the music and revelry blaring around them.

  “Hey, I just saw Christine walk in. She’s lookin’ fresh!”

  Christine, Gordan thought. He tried his best not to show it, but he suddenly felt nervous, not because he didn’t expect her to come, but because he had been hoping for it all night long and wasn’t quite sure what to do when and if she actually showed.

  This whole party had really been his way of trying to set up a situation between them. Gordan had is eye on Christine for weeks now. The freshman brunette liberal arts major had come to College State on a soccer scholarship. They were in the same Intro to Introductions 101 class together, a gen-ed requirement for all students, but he hadn’t yet found the courage to talk to her yet.

  This was his chance.

  “Come on, go say hi!” Paulie-Boy said, shoving him toward the direction of the kitchen.

  “As if! I don’t even know where she is.” Gordan searched the area, but with so many people, it was impossible to find anyone in the crowd.

  “She just walked in so she’s probably going to get a drink. Look in the kitchen.”

  “Did she come with anyone?”

  “Yeah, a couple of Delta Delta Delta girls.”

  “Just girls? No guys?”

  “No guys,” Paulie-Boy replied, shaking his head with a smile. He motioned toward the kitchen again. “Go,” he said. “Have fun!”

  Gordan nodded back to him and nervously turned to the kitchen. He pushed through the crowd until another one of his fraternity brothers bumped into him. It was Sam “Smalls” McCluskey, the ironically-named obese senior smiled at him through his glasses while jumping to the tight beats of Eminem.

  “Hey, G-Man!” Smalls called out excitedly.

  “Yo, Smalls, have you seen Christine? I hear she just walked in with some Delta Delta Delta girls.”

  “Triple Delta is here?” Smalls replied. His eyes widened. “They’re crazy. You gotta watch out for them. I’ve been there and done that with about half of those girls. They’re nuts, man!”

  “Oh… okay,” Gordan responded, not really interested in the sexual exploits of Smalls. He had heard the braggadocios stories before anyway. “So… you haven’t seen her?”

  “Christine? Naw, not yet. It’s a packed house.”

  “Yeah, it is,” Gordan said. He waved to Smalls, then continued along to the kitchen, still hoping to find her there.

  When he entered the kitchen, the world became a bit quieter. The blaring of music and chants of the students faded away… a little bit. Two party-goers were making out
in the corner of the room, backs against the cupboards where Gordan kept his cereal. Other students were hanging out in the kitchen, literally paying no attention to the make-out session just a few feet away.

  Gordan scanned the area. No sign of Christine here.

  While he was here, he figured he would restock his beer. He downed what was left in his can, then grabbed another can of Fresh Lite from the fridge and popped it open. As he closed the refrigerator door, he found his friend Kevin “Cock Master” Marcus standing there waiting for him on the other side. Cock Master was a classic ladies’ man. He was tall, muscular, and always well-dressed. He was also a bit of an arrogant air-head, but most of the girls seemed to look past that part about him, hence the name Cock Master.

  “Yo, G-Man, did you know Christine is here?” he asked before Gordan even had a chance to say hello.

  “Uh… yeah,” Gordan replied, taking a sip of the cold drink. “Paulie-Boy told me she was here. I’ve been trying to find her.”

  “True dat. She just went into the dining room. She’s lookin’ fresh tonight. Go get her!” Cock Master said, slapping him in the ass vigorously.

  “Uh… thanks,” Gordan said, closing the fridge door. “Any tips?”

  “Tips?”

  “You know, like good techniques?”

  “Techniques? What, you’ve gotten laid before, right?”

  “Yeah, of course I have. Tons of times,” Gordan replied, taking an almost offended tone.

  “Hey, sorry to offend,” Cock Master said, taking a defensive step back. “Look, if you’re looking for techniques, just tell her you want to give her a tour of the house, you know? Then take her to the bedroom and say, ‘this is where the magic happens’. Booyah! Works every time.”

  “It’s really that easy?”

  “It’s really that easy.”

  “Got it,” Gordan confirmed, nodding. “Thanks.”

  He exited the kitchen and headed toward the dining room now. He heard Cock Master shout, “Go get some!”

  Gordan entered the dining room. Like everywhere else, the place was packed. He scanned the area for a few seconds and, to his delight, found Christine standing with a few Delta Delta Delta girls in the far corner of the room. Christine looked so beautiful. She wore a pink tube top that showed her bellybutton and her blonde frosted tips gleamed in the dim lighting from above.

  Another boy suddenly caught sight of Christine and moved in.

  Shit, Gordan thought, worried he had missed his chance. Not wanting to lose out, he took another sip of beer, then moved into the room, walking as quickly as he could.

  “Heeey, Christine,” he said, greeting her while he was still a few feet away. He pushed past a few more people, then finally caught up with her, beating the other guy to her.

  Christine spun around to face him. Her eyes opened wide and she smiled as she saw him.

  “Jordan!” she said.

  “Gordan,” he corrected.

  She slapped herself for making the mistake.

  “Oh gosh, so sorry.”

  “Don’t worry about it. It’s aiiight. People mix up my name all the time.”

  “These are my friends,” Christine said, motioning to the three girls by her side. “This is Amy, Janine and Frivola. I know them from soccer.”

  “Oh, you’re all on the soccer team?” Gordan asked, making idiotic small-talk.

  “Yup,” Frivola answered.

  “That’s cool. Yeah… so, uh… Christine and I know each other from Intro to Introductions 101.”

  “Oh gosh, I took that class last semester and I hated it so much. It was literally the worst,” said Janine. “I am like so done with gen-eds.”

  “Yeah, whatever! I am like so done too. It’s all yadda yadda yadda,” added Amy.

  “Uh huh,” Gordan replied, nodding. “Anyway, thank you guys for coming. I am glad to see so many people show up. It was a lot of work getting everything ready.”

  “Did you put this party on?” Christine asked.

  “Yup, it’s all me. You’re looking at the Party Master!”

  Gordan could have kicked himself. Party Master? Did I really just say that? Gosh, she’s going to think I’m so stupid!

  “Party Master himself, live in person!” Christine joked back. She teasingly slapped his chest.

  “Thanks… uh… so, do want a tour of the house?” he asked.

  Christine chuckled.

  “Is that your way of showing me to the bedroom?” she replied.

  Gordan panicked for a second. That was exactly what he was going to do. Had she seen that technique before? He suddenly worried. Has she slept with Cock Master? If so, that was not cool.

  “Uh… no, I wouldn’t be that lame. Who do you think I am?” Gordan replied.

  “Oh, good. For a second I thought you were one of those types.”

  “Those types?”

  “You know, the type that uses cheap tricks to get into a girl’s pants. A no-talent, lazy… what’s the word?”

  “Dickhead,” Amy added in.

  “Right, a dickhead,” Christine confirmed.

  Good thing I didn’t use that line after all, Gordan thought. Bad advice, Cock Master.

  “Hey so anyway, it was good to see you,” Christine said, waving Gordan off.

  She’s leaving. No!

  “Uh… yeah, good to see you too,” was all he said, waving back as she walked away.

  Gordan could have slapped himself again. Idiot. Why didn’t I say something to get her to stay? He didn’t know what had gotten into him.

  Just then in an instant, a sudden flash of blinding light filled the windows. The entire world outside was immediately lit up in a world of pure white.

  “It’s the cops!” someone shouted.

  “Run!” shouted another.

  Shit, the cops, Gordan thought. He was paralyzed in shock.

  The room cleared out faster than Gordan ever knew possible. Party-goers dropped whatever they were carrying, solo cups, beer cans, bottles. In one case a kid even dropped a lit cigarette, which was thankfully stomped out by the crowd of feet that followed behind it. Everyone pushed their way to the backdoor, then sprinted away from the house as fast as they could.

  Gordan gulped. He had organized the party and he lived here. If anyone was to blame for this, it was him.

  Once the dining room was clear, Gordan picked up the cigarette and tossed it into a nearby trashcan. He then made his way to the front door where Paulie-Boy, Smalls and Cock Master were already waiting. Each of them appeared just as nervous as him.

  “What do we do?” Gordan asked.

  “We don’t have time to clean up,” Paulie-Boy responded. “We just gotta act natural. We tell the cops that we drank all of these beers.”

  “That’s a fuckin’ stupid idea, Paulie-Boy!” Smalls replied. “You really think they’re gonna believe that? As if!”

  “Cops are morons, Smalls,” Paulie-Boy debated.

  “I say we just tell them the truth. We fess up and the cops will appreciate our honesty,” Smalls proposed.

  “Easy for you to say. You’re the only one here who is old enough to drink,” Cock Master replied, slapping his ass.

  “Hey, stop that!” Smalls retorted.

  Knock, knock, knock!

  The four of them immediately quieted down now. Gordan gulped. This was it. The cops were here.

  “Who’s gonna open the door?” Paulie-Boy asked.

  “I’ll do it,” Gordan said, stepping forward. “I organized the party. I should be the one to face the cops.”

  “You’re a brave man, G-Man,” Cock Master said.

  Gordan reached for the door handle, then pulled it open.

  It wasn’t the cops waiting on the other side. Instead, it was a space alien. I had green skin and a tall, slender neck. The alien must have been six or seven feet tall. Its massive eyes were deep black.

  “What the hell?” Paulie-Boy muttered.

  “Did someone spike the drinks?” Cock M
aster asked.

  “Guys, guys, this is obviously some kind of joke,” Smalls said, stepping forward. Gordan stepped aside to let Smalls through. “Who sent you?” Smalls asked. “Was it Lambda Plaid?”

  “I have come to deliver a message,” the alien began. Its voice echoed through Gordan’s head as if it were speaking telepathically.

  All the boys quickly took a step back. Their mouths opened wide in shock. It was suddenly very clear that this was not in fact a prank and that it was in fact a real alien from space.

  “Hoooly shit,” Paulie-Boy muttered.

  “My name is Tarzakolaxaran and I come from the planet Jalanariendingopen Polleranthanopper. But you may call me Tarzan for short.”

  “Uh… Tarzan? Like from the jungle?” Smalls asked.

  “No, not from the jungle. I come from the planet Jalanariendingopen Polleranthanopper, but if that is too difficult, you can call it Jalapeno Popper for short.”

  “Tarzan from the planet Jalapeno Popper,” Gordan repeated. He did his best not to giggle. “Uh… alright.”

  “What message do you bring, Mr. Tarzan?” Cock Master asked.

  “I have come from my world to find four Earthlings at random and to grant them an opportunity to join the Transcendence.”

  “Wow, that sounds pretty dope,” Cock Master said to himself, not even knowing what the Transcendence was yet.

  “What… uh… what exactly is the Transcendence?” Gordan asked, taking a curious step closer to Tarzan.

  “The Transcendence is a place for the stored collection of all knowledge in the universe. Any who enter the Transcendence are granted infinite knowledge for the rest of their lives.”

  “Infinite knowledge?” Paulie-Boy repeated. He turned to face the others with a look of pure excitement stretching from ear to ear. “Yo, we could pass all our tests! I wouldn’t have to study for that Bio 201 exam.”