Kangblabla!

by Andrew Gates

  “That’s easy! Just drink more of this delicious water and you will release me!” replied the reflection.

  That seemed to make sense. So Desmond drank as much as he could. He drank and drank and drank until eventually Desto appeared right next to him. They stood side by side, as if they were two separate people.

  “Desto, you’re here! You’re real!” shouted Desmond in happiness.

  “I am!” he said. “Thank you for releasing me. Now we can go on this adventure together! I hope you’re not too drunk to keep going.”

  “Nonesense, Desto! Let’s go!”

  With those words, Desmond and his now-released alter-ego, Desto, continued onward. As they walked on and on, the Planet’s Peak eventually came into sight. They could see its glistening silver peak reaching far above the treeline. It wasn’t much farther now.

  But before they could get to the Planet’s Peak, they had one more obstacle to pass. Desmond and Desto had to enter the Cave of Wonders. But the Cave of Wonders was guarded by an old man sitting on a chair with a remote control and a computer next to him.

  “Hello, Mr. Man. We are trying to get through the tunnel so that we can get to the Planet’s Peak,” said Desmond, “but we don’t know our way through the cave. Can you help navigate us through?”

  The old man looked up at Desmond and shrugged. He pointed to the computer screen.

  “Man, I can’t figure this thing out. I’ve been trying to write this email for the past 10 hours and I can’t seem to get this remote to work!” said the elderly gentleman.

  Desmond looked at the remote. The remote was for a Samsung television, not a computer.

  “Well you’re using the wrong device,” said Desmond. “You need to use the keyboard on your computer instead,” he explained.

  The man tried using the mouse and keyboard now and was able to move the cursor. But he was still unable to write the email. Even though he was pushing the keys, no words would write. He couldn’t figure it out!

  “You have to click the white space, Mr. Man,” explained Desmond.

  The man clicked the white space and to his surprise, words filled the space. The old man was thrilled.

  “Thank you, traveler! I appreciate your help. In return, I will help you navigate through the tunnel. What is your name?” he asked.

  “I am Desmond of Asteroid Town,” said Desmond of Asteroid Town.

  “I am Desto Confidenz of Desmond’s imagination,” said Desto Confidenze of Desmond’s imagination.

  “I am Oldie Mann, also of Asteroid Town,” said Oldie Mann, also of Asteroid Town.

  Desmond smiled. He never expected so many people on this planet to have come from the asteroids.

  He also could not believe how many people he met, who he thought were scary at first, but now didn’t think were scary anymore. It was like character development or something.

  Oldie Mann helped Desmond and Desto get through the Cave of Wonders. When they reached the other end, they now stood at the base of the bright Planet’s Peak. Finally, at long last, Desmond had reached his destination. Oldie wished them well and turned to go back to his computer at the other side of the cave.

  “Alright, now all we have to do is climb this mountain,” said Desmond to his friend, Desto. He turned to look at Desto and to his surprise, Desto began fading in and out like from that scene in Back to the Future.

  “Wow, what’s wrong with you?” asked Desmond. Desto looked concerned.

  “The magic water must be wearing off! If the water wears out, I will disappear!” replied Desto. He felt his chest with his hands to make sure he was still intact. For the time being, it seemed like Desto was still there, but for how long would that last?

  “Well, we have to act quickly then,” said Desmond. “I can’t do this all alone. I’m not brave enough. I’m not as brave as you!”

  The two friends began climbing the tall mountain. Step by step, they slowly continued upward. As they got higher and higher, Desmond started feeling unsure of himself. Was this really a good idea? He was worried that something terrible might be at the top.

  As they rounded the curve and came to the top of the Planet’s Peak, suddenly they could see what was on top. Desmond stopped in his tracks in shock. He saw two things on top of the Planet’s Peak: to the left, a wonderful tub filled with delicious pickles; to the right, his brother, Captivus, tied up to a chair next to a trash-cleaning robot.

  Desmond’s heart fluttered.

  “Oh my god! No! A trash-cleaner! Not that, anything but that!” he hollered in fear. Trash-cleaners were his least favorite thing in the world. He was more afraid of trash-cleaners than anything else. “I think I’m going to go to the pickles instead. I like pickles.”

  “Snap out of it!” shouted Desto. He slapped Desmond in the face. “Don’t give into the temptation. Those pickles are only there to distract you. Don’t get tempted!” he explained, trying to convince Desmond to go after his brother.

  “But the pickles! I love them. And I am too afraid of trash-cleaners. I’m not as brave as you, Desto,” Desmond replied. He lowered his gaze to the ground, dismayed.

  Desto’s image was hardly visible anymore. Desmond did not expect Desto to last for much longer.

  “But Desmond, don’t you see? I’ve been with you all along. I’ve been here this whole time inside of you. You’ve had the power to not be afraid this whole time. Just believe in yourself and you can do it! You don’t have to be afraid anymore!” Desto had a big grin on his face. He smiled at Desmond and Desmond smiled back.

  And then, before Desmond’s very eyes, Desto faded away into thin air, as if he had never existed.

  A single tear ran down Desmond’s face. He missed his friend, Desto Confidenz, but he understood now that the bravery had been inside of him all along. He didn’t need his friend Desto to be brave. He just needed to believe in himself. So Desmond, now all amped up on good feelings and confidence, turned around to face his trash-cleaner foe.

  “Trash-cleaning robot! You cannot tempt me with the pickles. I will face you. Please return my brother to me!” he said boldly with lots of confidence.

  The trash-cleaner took a few steps forward and glared down at Desmond with its pitch-black camera lenses.

  “Beep, boop, beep, boop!” it said.

  Fortunately, Desmond spoke a bit of robot and knew that this translated to, “I shall return your brother if you can defeat me in a contest.”

  The old Desmond would have been nervous and afraid upon learning about a contest, but this new confident Desmond was not. He was brave and he would not back down from fear. He held his head high and looked at the trash-cleaner square in the lenses.

  “Beep, boop, beep, boop,” replied Desmond in robot speak (which translates to “yes, I shall accept your challenge”).

  The trash-cleaner stomped its legs in excitement. “Beep,” it said. “Boop, beep, boop, beep” (which translated to, “Good. I challenge you to a battle of the bands. Whoever plays the best music wins!”).

  Desmond nodded and pulled out his portable electric guitar he kept with him at all times in his pants pocket. He took a few moments to make sure everything was tuned and set up. Once it was all in check, the trash-cleaner pulled out his own instrument: a fiercesome flute from a fancy French factory! Once again, the old Desmond would have been afraid but the new Desmond did not even blink an eye.

  “Go Desmond! I believe in you!” cheered Captivus, the captive brother.

  Desmond plugged his guitar into the amp or whatever and turned everything on and stuff.

  “Prepare to get jammed!” he said.

  “Yeah, asteroid-style!” added his brother, Captivus.

  Desmond started shredding hard on the guitar and was really killing it with awesome riffs and stuff, just winging it and making it up as he went along. As he jammed on the guitar, he noticed that the trash-cleaner was looking really concerned. After a few minutes of seriously killing it with that thing, Desmond put away his guitar and let the
trash-cleaner have a turn now on its fiercesome flute from a fancy French factory.

  The trash-cleaner started out light and slow on its flute with a lovely piece from Vivaldi, but then went into a Mozart before bringing the arraignment down to a soft Brahms work. It was really quite magnificent.

  Desmond got worried. This robot was a much better musician than he expected. Desmond was really going to have to take his music to the next level if he was going to top that.

  For some extra help, Desmond was going to need some extra nutrition. So he quickly hopped over to the vat of delicious pickles and stuffed a bunch in his mouth. The sweet and sour flavors coursed across his tongue like white water on rocks and down into his energy glands. He was feeling the power of the pickles.

  “Feeling jammed yet, robot? Well let’s take it into overdrive!” he said.

  The trash-cleaner took a few steps back, clearly aware that Desmond had reached maximum energy level.

  Desmond picked up his guitar once again and started jamming some more. This time, his music was so powerful that the spirit of Elvis rose from the dead, recording studios all around the galaxy exploded, guitars rose up to the heavens and Jesus Christ almighty decided to come back down to Earth to see what the big deal was about this rock music stuff. When it was all over, Desmond put his guitar back into his pants pocket and stepped forward.

  “Well I think I won, Mr. Trash-cleaner. So now give me my brother back,” he said.

  The trash-cleaner nodded in confirmation.

  “Yes, of course. I have never heard anyone play like that in my life. That was the most amazing thing I have ever heard. I am unworthy to be in your presence. I must now leave this world.” And after saying those words, the robot exploded into a thousand pieces, spreading garbage in every direction.

  Desmond and Captivus were now covered in trash, but they didn’t care. Now they were reunited and Captivus was saved.

  “That was awesome, man! I’ve never heard anyone jam like that!” said Captivus in disbelief.

  “Thanks, Captivus. I learned that all I really have to do is believe in myself and that I don’t have to be afraid anymore,” Desmond replied with a big grin.

  He walked over to his brother and untied him from the ropes.

  “Alright! Now let’s go! Your wife will be happy to know you are safe!” Desmond said.

  And so at long last, after a very tiring journey, Desmond walked all the way back from the Planet’s Peak to his rental ship and returned back to Astroid Town. When he returned, Wiferson was waiting for them in the hangar bay, crying, hoping to god that her wonderful husband would be returned. When she looked up and saw them, a huge smile formed on her face. She ran up to the two brothers and hugged them hard like she had never hugged them before.

  “Oh my god! I am so glad you are back! Captivus, how much I missed you!” she said. She hugged him hard and he hugged her back however space people hug each other.

  “Yes, I am safe now,” Captivus replied, “and it was all thanks to the bravery of my brother, Desmond.”

  A confused expression grew on Wiferson’s face. She pulled away from Captivus and looked at Desmond.

  “Brave? Desmond? Those two words don’t go together. Since when is Desmond brave?” she asked.

  “I am now,” he answered. “Through this journey, I learned that the power to be brave was within me all along. All I had to do to discover that was do an aerobic workout with a man-woman, drink some magic water that causes a different side of me to act out, help an old guy use technology, climb a mountain that symbolized my ascent into self-awareness, sober up, eat some pickles and jam my way to victory.”

  “Wow, sounds like a crazy story!” said Wiferson.

  “Ha! You have no idea,” Desmond replied.

  “I’m so glad you’re not afraid of everything anymore,” said Captivus.

  Desmond stopped and thought about what his brother just said. Suddenly he remembered something. He remembered the words of his cousin at the beginning of the story. Before this whole ordeal began, Desmond’s cousin Kuzyne said, “maybe you should stop being so scared all the time.” As it turns out, that was the key to everything. If only Desmond had listened to Kuzyne’s words from the beginning and not disregarded them so rudely, then none of this would have happened. Clearly, Kuzyne knew what was best for him all along.

  “Yes, Captivus. You’re right. I shouldn’t be scared. I see that now. I see what people have been telling me all along. And now that I understand what they meant, I see that they were always trying to help me. Like my cousin, Kuzyne. He was always just looking out for me,” he said.

  ***

  A few days passed and, before they knew it, the big moment had finally arrived.

  It was Desmond’s birthday and everyone came out to celebrate. The Spacerockparty 2647 was in full swing. There were decorations, cakes, music, dancing and lots of booze on the rocks. The day turned into night and the night slowly began to turn into morning. Many of the party goers were getting tired and weary after having so much fun. Desmond got a lot of presents that day, but the best present of all was the knowledge that he had a great family who was always looking out for him. As he drank his last drink before the great party ended, Desmond held up his cup high and said, “This one is for you, Kuzyne. Too bad you can’t make it to the party today, but I know wherever you are, you’re looking out for me.”

  Valentine’s Day 1979:

  An Intergalactic Adventure

  It’s Valentine’s Day in 1979 and for Ryan Gifford, love is just the one thing he can’t seem to find in the City of Brotherly Love. But after a strange encounter at the local cinema, Ryan’s life suddenly takes a dramatic change when he learns he must marry an alien princess in order to stop an intergalactic war. Whether he is ready for it or not, Ryan is thrusted into a life of romance, intrigue and space aliens who don’t seem to understand his 70s slang.

  Confused about the lingo as you read along? Visit this this helpful online guide for all your 1970s slang translations: inthe70s.com/generated/terms.shtml

  Valentine’s Day 1979

  Ahh, Valentine’s Day… the day when single people across the world are suddenly reminded how lonely they are.

  That was me for the longest time. As a joke, I used to call it “Annual Single’s Day”. For the first few years, I would go with all my single friends to see a movie together. But as the years went by, those friends each slowly found their mates, leaving me in the dust by my lonesome self. Just my luck, right?

  It wasn’t that I didn’t at least try to find a date. I gave it some effort. I went to the grooviest bars, called into party lines, even put ads in the newspaper. Yet nothing seemed to work out. At one point, I thought I had a match with a nice woman named Susan, a bank teller I’d met during a trip to Baltimore. She was nice and we got to talking, but calling her on the phone all the way from Philadelphia was expensive. I later found out she was only interested in me because she got my account mixed up with someone else’s and mistook me for a rich man.

  Again, just my luck, right?

  Now I wasn’t a bad looking guy. I wore all the grooviest print shirts and crew neck sweaters one could buy from Penneys. My moustache was thick and oily and my hair slick and long. I emanated romance! It wasn’t so much an issue of women being interested in me. On the contrary. I couldn’t seem to find interest in any woman.

  My story begins, unsurprisingly, on Valentine’s Day. The year was 1979. A new movie had just come out called The Great Train Robbery. It starred the gentleman who played James Bond. I can’t seem to recall his name anymore, but you’d know him if you saw him. Now I’m not usually one for period dramas. I prefer science-fiction films, things like Planet of the Apes, 2001: A Space Odyssey or the newly released Star Wars (Have you seen that movie? Wow! Talk about effects! I wonder if they’re going to make a sequel).

  On my way to the movie theater, I spotted man in a mad rush to get to the cinema. He darted across South Street, nearly tripping a
s he ran. A paper fell from his pocket and slowly glided down into the sewer. I didn’t know what that was at the time, but I would later come to realize that it was his movie ticket.

  The man pushed his way ahead of me at the ticket booth and, unsurprisingly, the management wouldn’t let him pass.

  “Sorry, sir. You’ll need a ticket,” the young woman said from behind the counter.

  The man vigorously checked his pockets. A look of panic covered his face.

  “But I had it! It was right here, I swear!”

  I didn’t think much of this moment at the time. After all, this person was a stranger to me. It meant nothing to me if he couldn’t get into the movie. I ignored the scene and proceeded on to present my ticket to the staff. They let me pass without issue.

  Once inside, I realized that the cinema was mostly full of couples. This was the first time I’d gone by myself without any of my friends by my side. It was humiliating to say the least, made even worse by the fact that I didn’t even care much for the film I was about to see.

  The movie started and, as I expected, it was fine. Not great, but not bad. It wasn’t really my genre I guess.

  As the credits rolled and the couples slowly peeled out of the theater in pairs, I sat still, simply staring at the words on screen. I couldn’t find the energy to move.

  The lights slowly brightened, illuminating the grimy red folding seats. Before I knew it, I was the only one still there. I took a deep breath, deciding that I might as well get up. I couldn’t stay here and wallow in sadness forever. As far as I was concerned, it was time to Audi 5000.

  But that’s when the movie spoke to me… well, not the movie itself. Movies can’t talk. But the speakers in the cinema blared.

  “Ryan,” someone said. Whoever this was, he was male. His voice was so deep that it almost sounded inhuman.

  I paused. That was my name. Ryan Gifford.

  “Uh… yeah?” I replied, not sure if someone was playing a prank on me or if I was going crazy.