Unravel

by Calia Read

  And sometimes, he didn’t even have to be around for me to feel that way. I would be with Lana, out in public, laughing at something she said, or walking innocently down the street, and I would suddenly be slammed with pain. It would start at my hips and spread throughout my body like tree limbs.

  There were times I would wake up in the middle of the night and suddenly sit up in bed, panting and frantically looking around the room. I would feel disorientated, like I had blacked out and lost hours of my life. But reality would always catch up to me and I would be reminded that everything in my life was a mess, slowly unraveling before my eyes.

  The way I was acting scared the shit out of me. I could only chalk it up to panic attacks, but I knew they had to get better soon; I didn’t know how long I could last.

  When I wasn’t with Lana, I was with Max. I took his request to spend the summer with me seriously. I spent almost every day with him, but never stayed the night. It was starting to become a point of contention between us.

  He just couldn’t wrap his brain around the fact that I was staying, willingly, with Lana, knowing that Lana’s dad lived under the same roof.

  I wanted to stay with him more than anything. I wanted to wake up in the morning, draped over his body. I wanted to be able to lean in and kiss him, and he would respond by rolling me over, pressing me into the mattress, holding me so tightly that all my problems would drift away.

  “I said I dropped him as a client,” Max repeated.

  My eyelashes fluttered against my skin rapidly. I sat up straight in my seat. “When?”

  “As of yesterday.”

  I swallowed and ignored the feeling of dread creeping up on me.

  “What did he do?”

  Max shifted in his seat. Instinctively, his hands tightened around the steering wheel. “My secretary was right outside the door, so he did what he always does in front of an audience. He kept his composure and just walked away.”

  I nodded. It made sense. Lana’s dad was a very smart man. He wouldn’t seethe with rage and make a scene. He would do that behind closed doors, while he plotted his revenge.

  I looked at Max with alarm. “You don’t think he’s going to do anything, do you?”

  “No.” Max looked over at me. “You think he will?”

  I drummed my fingers on the armrest. “I think we’re all trying to be a winner in a losing game.”

  “That’s the thing though, Naomi. This isn’t a game. It’s the difference between black and white. Right and wrong. This is no game. He’s fucked with someone’s life and he’s not going to get away with it.”

  Anger seeped into his words. I knew he was barely keeping himself together.

  “I know that,” I said gently. “But it’s not that simple. If it was, he’d be locked away right now.”

  “I promise you he won’t get away with it,” Max said heatedly.

  I looked out the window. I didn’t want to start talking about Lana’s dad. The main reason for this drive was to de-stress and not think about anything.

  “I’ve been thinking about something,” I said carefully.

  “And that is?”

  “Getting away from all this… bullshit. Somewhere not too far.” I shrugged underneath his gaze. “Maybe to D.C.?”

  Max let off the gas and pulled over on the side of the road. He put the car in park and turned to look at me. I rotated in my seat. My shin brushed his thigh. I didn’t pull away. Even when the moment wasn’t sexually charged, my body still sought him out. He was a comfort for me. I think he would always make me feel that way.

  I told him my idea to convince Lana to move to D.C.

  It suddenly occurred to me, a few days ago, that I needed to compromise with her. She couldn’t take college, couldn’t take being away from everything she knew. But what if I told her she could move out and still remain close to her hometown? What if she was surrounded by a place she’d known all her life and was safe at the same time?

  My plan wasn’t foolproof, but it was taking shape. It was starting to make more sense as time went on.

  “You sure that’s a good idea?” Max asked.

  “It’s the best idea,” I said confidently. “And it’s the only idea that makes sense.”

  He nodded and stared at the road. I knew he agreed with my plan, but he was thinking over every option, trying to think of everything that could go wrong. “When is this apartment hunting going to happen?”

  “As soon as possible.”

  “How long have you been thinking about this?”

  “Not very long.” I looked at him out of the corner of my eye.

  He had taken off his sunglasses. His eyes bore straight through me.

  “I’ve been bouncing the idea back and forth for a few days,” I said.

  He raised both brows. “That’s it?”

  “What more do you want me to say?”

  “I figured if you’ve been thinking about this you’d have places lined up, a whole plan set in place. Think about this long and carefully so it all sticks in the end.”

  “You don’t think I haven’t been thinking about this carefully? That’s all I’ve been doing the last week. Carefully tiptoeing around everyone and everything…” I looked away. “There’s no other option.”

  “Hey,” he said gently. He tipped my chin up so I was looking at him. “You know that I, out of all people, want this to happen, right?”

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  He held my gaze. “Do it and I’ll be right behind you the whole time,” he said, his voice steady and sure.

  It gave me a small boost of confidence. I smiled gratefully and kissed him.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  He pulled back onto the road.

  One hurdle had been crossed. The only thing I needed to do now was talk Lana into it.

  “If you notice, it has a patio that has an amazing view of the city,” the relator said.

  It took me a solid week of talking Lana into apartment hunting before she agreed. I had instantly made an appointment to look at a few apartments. Lana canceled that appointment, coming up with a lame excuse as to why she couldn’t make it.

  It wasn’t that easy this time around. Max was here. He left work early to apartment hunt with us. He was still dressed in his work clothes: black dress pants, oxford shirt. His tie was loosened and his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. He scanned everything with a critical eye. His eyebrows were creased. His jaw was set. My heart stuttered and stopped, creating its own new rhythm as I watched him. It wasn’t the way he looked that made me react this way, it was his concern. His determination to make sure that Lana was safe. It was a huge turn on. I had to stop myself from reaching out, grabbing him by his tie and dragging him close to me.

  Lana scanned the empty living room. Her eyes took in everything. I could see her picturing how she would decorate this place, if it were hers. And there was no reason why this apartment couldn’t be hers.

  It was cozy. With just two bedrooms, a small kitchen with new appliances and an attached island. The living room was a good size. The walls were painted a shade of ivory and the floors were hardwood.

  Yet the one thing that was most important to Lana was the location.

  Location, location, location. She needed safety and a sense of security. This apartment had just that.

  “What do you think?” the realtor asked Max. It didn’t take the realtor long to figure out he would be the one to pass everything through.

  Max didn’t answer. He looked at Lana, waiting for her to answer.

  She trailed her finger across the wall. “Can I think about it for a moment?”

  I frowned and moved away from the wall. What was she doing? I wanted to say something right then but I didn’t.

  The realtor smiled politely and said of course before she stepped out of the apartment.

  Max looked at Lana, his impatience showing, and followed the realtor. I wanted to come to Lana’s rescue and tell Max that it was already a
lot for Lana to come here today. In fact, I was stunned that I even got her to go.

  When I brought the subject up, she told me to go look around for her, but I stayed firm. I told her that she needed to see the apartment, with her own eyes. This wasn’t something that I could do for her. It had to be her decision. I could see the small optimism in her eyes, and I knew she was picturing what it would be like to actually thrive. Away from her parents and her dark past.

  I told her that I would make sure to be with her. I told her that Max would be there too. That, out of everything, made her hesitate.

  “Still with him?” she had asked.

  I frowned. “Yeah. Why?”

  She never answered me, but I could see the unanswered question in her eyes: Lachlan.

  We hadn’t talked about him in weeks, but he still hovered around me, following me wherever I went. I tried my best to pretend he wasn’t there, but lately he was getting harder and harder to ignore.

  This was the fourth apartment we saw today. Lana would find something wrong each time. The first one didn’t have a quality lock. The second one had a questionable stench in the stairwell. The third one was in a dangerous neighborhood.

  She was trying to find something wrong with this one. I could see her mind frantically trying to think of something.

  She walked out onto the deck and stared at the view. I followed her. We were surrounded by high-rise buildings. There was a small park across the street that still gave this part of town a family vibe. The streets weren’t busy. This area was safe and quiet.

  In other words, it was perfect for Lana.

  “Do you really think it’s nice?” I asked.

  “I do.”

  I spread my hands out in front of me. “This view will be all yours then!”

  Lana snorted. “Yeah. Right. Do they take Monopoly money as payment?” she asked wearily.

  “The rent isn’t too much.”

  Lana just looked at me.

  “Okay,” I drew out. “It’s a lot expensive. But Max will help out.”

  “No. That’s not happening,” Lana said firmly. “I don’t have charity case written across my forehead.”

  I crossed my arms and leaned against the railing. I settled into the role I knew best: the friend who was supportive no matter what. “You’re not a charity case,” I said. “You could pay him back later on.”

  “I’d rather get a loan.”

  “Then get a loan!” I said anxiously. “Whatever makes you feel comfortable is what you need to do.” I paused and looked at her carefully. “What is your gut telling you?”

  She chewed on her bottom lip, staring at the street below us. “That this place is perfect.”

  “Then listen to your gut. Your gut is totally right!” I smiled.

  “I don’t even know where to start or what to do.”

  “You can get a job lined up,” I said. “I’ll find you one. Or maybe you could try college again. You could start out slowly. One or two classes and if it goes all right, you can move up from there.”

  I saw the hope in her eyes. She wanted to believe that every word I said was the truth.

  I looked at the kids playing on the swings. Their squeals of delight could be heard all the way from up here. Lana watched them too, with a sad, wistful expression.

  “This can become a reality, you know,” I said quietly.

  “I know. That’s what I’m afraid of. What if I screw this up?”

  I frowned.

  She exhaled loudly and looked away. “I mean, right now I’m okay. But what happens at night, when I’m all alone? All I know is miles away.” She leaned close. “I don’t know what freedom is.”

  I swallowed and looked her straight in the eye. “I will do everything to make sure this works out for you,” I vowed. “Lana, you’re so much stronger than you think.”

  Her lips quivered.

  “Nothing can stand in your way,” I said.

  She glanced at me. Doubt was written across her face.

  “Nothing,” I uttered slowly.

  The front door opened. Lana and I both turned as Max walked inside. He tucked his hands into his pants. Both eyebrows were raised as he looked at us. “So?”

  I gave her a pointed look, wordlessly encouraging her to tell him the truth. I knew she wanted to take this step forward, but she was so scared. Her hands were shaking as she glanced over at the park and I could see her imagining her life here.

  Say yes, say yes, say yes, I pleaded in my head.

  She finally looked at me and nodded before she turned to Max. “It’s perfect.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief.

  His lips parted into a devastating smile. “Really?”

  “Really,” she said.

  The realtor smoothly walked back into the room and smiled brightly. She knew a sale when she saw one. “Well, what do you think?” she asked Max.

  He tapped the wall once and turned his charming smile onto the realtor. “Where do we sign?”

  The realtor blushed and walked over to her briefcase. I think if he flashed that smile one more time Lana could get a few months of rent for free.

  While they went into details about the contract and when would be a good day to sign, I walked over to Lana, mouthing the word yay and lifted both hands up in victory.

  That hope in her eyes, the one that was barely noticeable earlier, was starting to spread, making her eyes shine brightly.

  I stopped worrying about the big stuff and just enjoyed right now.

  Everything was starting to look up.

  Lana was moving into her apartment today.

  It was an exciting time for me. For Lana, her fear overrode her excitement. She hadn’t told her parents she was moving out. She was too afraid that they would change her mind. And she was even more afraid that if she did attempt to pack up her stuff, her parents would stop her. She would drive over there with me, but I would do all the packing. I had it all planned out. I would drive to her house while her dad was at work and her mom would be in town, shopping or gossiping over lunch with her friends.

  I had a stack of boxes in my trunk and garbage bags just in case I ran out of boxes.

  I pulled up to her parents’ house. Six windows on the second floor. Four on the bottom. Each one was spotless and sparkled in the sun. And all of them were flanked with black shutters. The double, front doors were large and imposing. The color of espresso, with wrought iron detailing and frosted glass. Surrounding the house were trimmed shrubs, and running the length of the sidewalk were flowers, the colors ranging from red, yellow, and orange.

  It was a picture perfect house. The kind of house you would drive by at night, see the yellow hue of lights inside, and think, ‘I bet that family has it all.’

  I got out of my car. As I went to open the trunk, Lana got out of the car and sat on the porch steps. That was how she was sitting the first time I met her. Just ten years ago, she and I had been small girls with two completely different personalities.

  “Hey,” I said, as I grabbed a stack of collapsed boxes. “You ready for this?”

  She looked at me. “Not even close to ready.”

  I walked up the sidewalk and finally saw the white pallor of her skin and the beads of sweat forming on her forehead.

  “Just sit here,” I said with a reassuring smile. “I’ll be back down as soon as I can.”

  “Okay.” Her voice was hollow.

  I walked inside, my hands piled with moving gear, and hurried up the staircase. There was nothing but the sounds of a grandfather clock ticking softly and my quiet footsteps. It was just me and Lana’s ancestors. Their pictures were framed, nailed to the wall. They had somber faces and maybe it was just paranoia kicking in, but I swear their eyes followed me as I walked down the hallway.

  The hairs on my arm rose when I walked into Lana’s room. I quickly got to work. I grabbed all the clothes in her closest. Packed up her books, her journal sitting on the nightstand. Her laptop was on the desk. I grabbed i
t, too. Along with the laptop and phone chargers. Quickly, I went through her desk drawers, making sure I wasn’t leaving behind anything important. I left the pictures on the wall and every piece of furniture there. I only took the things that were personal and had good memories for Lana. Those personal items only filled up three boxes.

  I looked back at her room. Anyone passing by wouldn’t notice that she’d moved out. But if someone would step into the room, they’d notice.

  As I carried the boxes down the stairs, I wondered who would be the first of Lana’s parents to realize she was gone.

  “Done,” I announced.

  Lana was still sitting on the steps. She jumped at the sound of my voice. “That was quick.”

  “What can I say? I’m a quick packer.”

  We loaded the boxes up. I slammed the trunk and looked over at her.

  Lana turned back to her house, her expression forlorn. I couldn’t imagine what she was thinking about and I didn’t want to know. What happened in that house should stay there, locked up and never to be experienced again.

  I spun my key chain. “Ready?”

  “The fifth step from the top is loose.”

  The keys hit my knuckles. My eyebrows knitted together. “What?”

  “On the staircase. The step’s been loose for six years and I still sometimes trip on it coming up the stairs.” Lana drifted across the grass as if she was in a trance. She stood in front of her bedroom window and pointed. “On the windowsill, in the very right corner, I carved in my initials.”

  “Lana—”

  “This is all I know and I’m leaving it all behind.”

  I walked over to her and stared up at the window with her. “You’re right. You’re leaving it all behind.”

  I could feel her eyes on me.

  “But you have something so amazing ahead of you. A life where you can make your own decisions. There’s nothing better than that.”

  She continued to look at the window. I could clearly see the indecision in her eyes. She was at war with herself.