Outside

by Michelle Mankin

  Her fingers dug into my arms. “It’s because of my mom. She had an affair with a surfer before I was born. She ran off with him but then he abandoned her. My dad took her back but he’ll never let her live it down.” Tears streamed from her eyes. She swallowed hard before continuing her voice barely audible. “I used to pray that I wasn’t his, but the math doesn’t add up for me to belong to a stranger.” Another tear slid down her cheek and I captured it with my thumb. “I think my mom thought a child would help him forgive her but he never has. I hate living in that house, Linc.” My eyes were soft on hers. I hated that she hurt like this but I was glad she had finally told me so I could understand. And understanding the problem was the first stop toward a solution. But I needed to find an answer soon.

  Tucked into Linc’s side my arms were tightly wrapped around his lean waist and my cheek was pressed to his solid chest. The wind whistling through the split side windows of the ’63 Volkswagen camper van lifted strands of my hair as Ash drove the vintage vehicle with its whirring engine at a steady pace of forty five miles per hour. Squished together on the bench seat that really was only large enough for two, the three of us were trying to ignore the tension that was building. There was no way we were going to make it to my house on time.

  My thoughts pinged around inside my head. I knew how much trouble I was going to be in. But I was beginning to grasp why my mom had done what she had all those years ago. If she had felt for her surfer even a tenth of what I felt for mine…

  I peered up at him. His jaw was set and his thick hair was stirred by the breeze. He was so handsome it hurt my heart to look at him. I was so tempted to trust him, to believe it would all work out the way he had asserted it would back on the yacht after I had told him the truth about my parents.

  “You ok, Mona?” His troubled gaze dipped to mine as he sifted through my hair.

  “I’m alright.” I hugged him tighter breathing in his ocean scent but tensing inwardly the closer we got to the spot where Ash and I would get out and walk to my house as if we had been together all this time.

  Linc shifted in my embrace and I felt him press his warm lips into my hair as Ash slowed the van and pulled over to the curb.

  “C’mon, fake girlfriend.” Ash turned off the ignition and popped open the door on his side. “Let’s go.” His tone was light but forced. I scooted over and took the hand he offered me to help me out.

  “Be careful with the Bug.” Ash told Lincoln as he slid over to take his cousin’s place at the wheel. “You know how my dad feels about it.”

  Standing on the curb beneath the street light my gaze met Lincoln’s. I desperately wanted him to stay with me. Tonight had changed everything. I had never been in love before, never really understood the intensity of the emotion until he came along. No wonder my mom had been willing to give up everything just for a chance to make something real and lasting. But was I brave enough to do the same thing?

  With my father involved I knew it very well might come to that kind of choice.

  “Simone, wait. Hold up.” Linc ripped off his seat belt and climbed out of the camper as if reading my thoughts. He tossed Ash the key ring on his way toward me. “Wait for me in the van. I’m walking Mona home.”

  In my heart I was absolutely thrilled to extend my time with Linc. He opened his arms and I ducked into them nearly shuddering with relief when he folded them around me and held me tight. “But we can’t let my father see you.” My brain forced me to voice that concern even though I was right where I wanted to be, where I always wanted to be no matter what.

  “I told you I’m not hiding anymore, gorgeous.” He sifted through my hair with gentle fingers. “You’re mine now. There’s no going back. I’m not letting you face him alone knowing how he’s going to react.” His tone was as firmly unyielding as his embrace.

  I squeezed my eyes shut laying my cheek to his solid chest, willing his strength to become my own and wishing his warmth would take away the chill in my bones. I knew he was right. There was no doubt that my dad would be pissed. I didn’t want this nearly perfect night to end in an ugly confrontation.

  “We’d better go then,” I mumbled against his shirt sucking in a deep bracing breath of soul settling Lincoln scent.

  “It’ll be ok.” He pressed a kiss into my hair and rearranged us so that I was tucked into his side for the short walk home. The birds of paradise and the violet blossomed Jacaranda trees were just shadows in the yards along the way, but the sixty foot tall palms lining both sides of the street loomed like sentinels. The comforting whir of the camper soon faded beneath the growing roar of the ocean, but the sound of the waves didn’t sooth me. Even with Linc beside me I grew tenser the closer we got to our destination.

  When we were just twenty yards away, my fears grew. Every single light inside and outside blazed, moths circling them seeking their fiery doom. My heart started slamming against my ribs.

  Linc placed his hands on my shoulders and gently turned me to face him, his expression resolute in the shadows. He leaned down and brushed his warm lips against my cold parted ones. “I’m walking you all the way to the front door. I’m not leaving till I see for myself that you’re ok.”

  “No, Linc.” I put my hands on his sinewy forearms and squeezed. “If he sees you it’ll just make things worse. Let’s ease into telling him about us. Please. I know how to handle him.”

  “I know you do.” He smoothed the pad of his thumb down my cheek. “But it’s not right.” He took my hands. “I’m not budging on this, Simone. C’mon. Start walking.” His fingers tightened around mine as he led me up the front walk lined with oleander. “The sooner he knows about us the sooner he can start getting used to the idea.”

  Beneath the porch lights I stared into his sincere eyes and nodded. He was right of course, but my father was unyielding and this was happening so fast that I hadn’t had time to prepare. I had lived my entire life bowing to the dictates of my father. In a battle of wills he was used to coming out on top.

  The front door suddenly popped open making me jump. The brighter lights of the interior blinded me for a moment but I heard his voice loud and clear.

  “Simone Bianchi. Get inside this house.” His voice was a solid steel hammer and his frame filled the doorway. I felt my resolve automatically buckling and started to comply but Linc stopped me, his grip tightening and tethering me in place like the cord on his surfboard.

  “Now, Simone.” My father’s furious gaze dipped to where Linc and I were connected.

  “Daddy, don’t be mad. Let me explain. Please. I want you to understand.”

  “I don’t need any explanations. I understand perfectly well.” He raked his salt and pepper hair back from his creased forehead. “You’ve been lying to me. It’s been this boy all along.”

  “Yes, Daddy. I’m sorry I hid the truth from you.” His censuring glare and his words rocked me but I held firm because of Lincoln. He was what mattered more than anything. It all became startlingly clear in that moment. I just needed Linc. The rest I would figure out somehow. “If I had told you from the beginning I never would have gotten a chance to get to know Linc. He’s not what you think. He’s good to me.” My chin lifted belying my inner distress.

  He made a disapproving sound. “He’s nothing but trouble.” He moved closer. I could feel the heat of his displeasure. “We’ve had this discussion before but apparently you weren’t paying attention.”

  “I was only…”

  “Mona.” My protest was cut off by Lincoln. He squeezed my hand. I turned to look at him. His hard gaze was fixed on my father and his jaw was clenched. “Go on inside. Your father and I need to talk. It’ll be alright. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He leaned in and brushed a tight kiss across my lips, a proprietary gesture his meaning clear. I might be my father’s little girl but I was Linc’s woman now.

  “You arrogant whelp.” My dad received the message for sure. Anger rolled off of him and crashed over me like a ten foot wave. “She’ll do no s
uch thing.” My dad’s eyes narrowed to slits and his voice lowered to that ominous level I knew always meant bad things. “This ends tonight. I’ll not have my daughter’s reputation sullied by a no account beach bum like you.”

  Linc and my dad faced off, both men drawing themselves up to their full heights. Linc was several inches taller but both men were equally incensed. I was so focused on them I barely noticed my mother. She swayed in the doorway my father had vacated a half empty glass of wine in one hand.

  “Daddy, don’t.” I grabbed for him just as he lunged for Linc. He yanked away so fast I didn’t have time to dodge it. His elbow connected with my jaw with a crack and a blinding flash. I flew backward and landed on my ass so hard I bit my tongue.

  “Simone!” My mother cried stumbling toward me.

  I tasted coppery blood in my mouth and my vision went hazy but not so hazy that I didn’t see the mask of rage that replaced the handsome features on Lincoln’s face.

  “You asshole!” He slammed his hands to my father’s chest and shoved him backward into the wall rattling the plaque with the house number. “You ever lay a hand on her again and I’ll fuckin’ end you.” Linc pinned my dad to the wall with a forearm to his windpipe. “You got that?”

  “I’m ok, Linc.” I assured him tears clogging my throat as much from the breach of trust as the physical pain.

  “You’re damn lucky that she is.” Linc turned back to my father. “I might be worthless in your eyes but that’s not the way she sees me. And her opinion is the only one that really matters.”

  I gave her no good father one more shove to make my point. Simone wasn’t alone anymore. She had me to protect her.

  Her old man just glared at me. He got the message alright.

  I moved to Simone lifting her carefully and pulling her into me. I needed her close. I’d seen enough. Her old man was just like mine.

  Her mom remained on the ground where Simone had fallen¸ like some rag doll so sloshed I doubted she could stand again without help.

  “C’mon, babe.” I draped my arm around Simone’s shoulder and led her from the porch. No way was I ever letting her go back into that messed up house. She stumbled alongside me still in a haze.

  “Simone!”

  She froze, instant tension breaking her from her spell.

  “Stop right now!” The old man’s voice sounded strangled.

  Good, I thought. He deserved worse than I had given him.

  “You go off with that boy and you are completely on your own. Don’t bother coming back. I won’t be wasting any more money on you.”

  She dropped her chin to her chest. She was silent for a couple of beats. Slowly with her arms straight at her sides and her finger curled into her palms she turned to face him. “That’s ok, Daddy. I don’t want your money. I don’t want anything from you. You’re pathetic. To raise your hand to your own daughter? How could you think that I would stay here after that?” Her voice cracked. “Mom’s right. You’ll never be satisfied. You’ll never accept me no matter how perfect I try to be. And I’m done trying.” Years of suppressed feelings expelled, she sagged backward into me and turned her gaze my way. Her eyes were still sparking with leftover ire. “Take me away from here, Linc. Please.”

  “Absolutely, gorgeous.” I tightened my arm around her slim shoulders to silently give her my support and to express how proud I was of her for standing up to him, then steered us back toward Ash and the van. She didn’t speak on the way and given recent circumstances I let her have that time to assimilate, but we were going to have to talk and make decisions soon.

  “What the hell?” Ash jumped out of the vehicle his look of concern quickly passing back and forth between her and me.

  “She’s not going back,” I explained preemptively noticing his eyes narrowing on her already darkening and swelling bruise.

  “Of course she’s not.” His expression turned as grim as my own. He helped me get Simone into the van. She had settled into an almost catatonic state since her impassioned speech.

  After we were situated, Ash rounded the hood and got back behind the wheel. He glanced at me over Simone. “Where to?”

  “Your house, I guess.” The adrenaline from watching Simone stand up to her tyrannical father was waning. The reality of the situation began to sink in on me.

  What were we going to do now? And just how was I going to take care of her?

  Short term I didn’t think my aunt and uncle would mind her staying with us. Long term required more deep thinking and neither of us were up to that tonight.

  “No.” Simone straightened in her seat moving away from me. Her voice was raspy as if she had awoken from a dream. A nightmare more likely. “Take me to Karen’s house. I’ll stay with her.”

  I didn’t like that idea. I wanted her with me. Right now and forever if she would have me.

  “My mom won’t mind the extra company.” Ash came to my rescue as he braked the van at a stop sign.

  “But I’d mind,” Simone said firmly. “I appreciate the offer, Ash. But Karen has plenty of room and I’ll think better there.”

  What the hell did that mean?

  I was still processing that statement by the time Ash pulled to the curb in front of Karen’s a two story New England style house with weathered clapboard siding. He called her on the cell while I helped Simone out of the van. My gaze remained on her as I escorted her up the walk. Hers remained straight ahead. I wanted to ask her a hundred different things but she seemed so unreachable, so distant.

  “Karen’s coming to the door,” Ash explained.

  I waved a hand over my shoulder to acknowledge that I had heard him, but inside my guts were churning. My girl looked so lost and forlorn. Damn her worthless father to hell.

  “Oh my God!” Karen exclaimed as soon as she saw Simone’s face. Simone stepped forward and buried her face into her friend’s chest. “You poor baby,” she soothed as Simone’s body started to shake. “I hate that man.” Karen shot me a look over Simone’s shoulder and I nodded my agreement. I hated him, too. The list of haters for that asshole was growing by the minute.

  Karen pulled Simone into the house. “It’ll be ok, Linc.” She must have noticed the devastation in my eyes. I hated to leave Simone, but if this was where she needed to be tonight then I would go along. “I’ll get her to bed. She’ll call you in the morning.”

  I could see why Patch was so taken by Karen, and I was glad Simone had such a good friend. But I still lingered on the doorstep until Ash came to retrieve me.

  “Dude, let’s go home. Everyone needs some rest. We’ll figure it out in the morning.”

  I nodded numbly and followed him back to the van. The outlines of the houses along the route we took through the hills of OB to Ash’s seemed to mock me. Homes filled with happy families. Something neither Simone nor I had now. And maybe never would.

  “Don’t worry so much,” Ash said after he parked the van in the driveway. I guess my trepidation was pretty transparent. “Simone loves you. It will work itself out in the end.”

  “But that’s just it, Ash. She never really said she did.” My voice was as raw as my heart admitting that. I had replayed the entire night and that omission on her part weighed heavily on my psyche.

  Ash’s gaze narrowed. “Well, you can talk to her about that when she gets up. You’ll straighten it out.” He unlatched his seatbelt and I did the same. My shoulders were bowed. My limbs felt sluggish and heavy.

  “I know this isn’t a great time.” Ash’s hands were deep in his pockets as he moved alongside me to the front door. “But I was wondering. What exactly did that Morris say to you before he handed you his business card?”

  I glanced up sharply. The performance at the Deck Bar seemed as though it had occurred a lifetime ago. “He told me I should call him when…” I trailed off casting my mind back trying to recollect his exact words.

  “When we’ve got a couple of original tunes and a proven following beyond just the local area. That sound
about right?” Ash prompted as he pulled open the door to the house.

  I nodded.

  “Mom’s not likely to be very supportive of that plan.” He frowned. “She wants me to finish another year at the junior college and you’re going off to do your thing. Bummer. I think we might’ve had a chance with you fronting us.”

  I shook my head in denial as we entered our room. We both knew the music thing was a pipe dream. He went to his bed but I went to my dresser, opened a drawer and pulled out my swim trunks.

  He raised a brow. “You going out?”

  “Yeah. I’m too wired to sleep and I think better at the beach anyway.”

  He nodded. He was a surfer, too. He didn’t need any more explanation than that.

  All the heavy worries, all the concern, everything faded into background noise once my feet finally hit the sand and my body entered the surf, the ocean raging powerfully all around me. The sun hadn’t come up yet and I had the entire beach to myself for as far as I could see. That was good. I needed to be alone on my board. Everything seemed clearer out on the waves.

  I paddled out past where the they were breaking, scooted to the back of my board, straddled it and waited getting acclimated to the current set pattern. I noticed that the waves were breaking fast and hard just like things in my life right now.

  Everything depended on me catching the perfect one and riding it all the way to the end.

  I just had to win Fiji.

  The lights in the guest bedroom were still out but I hadn’t slept. I lay in the bed in borrowed pajamas staring at the lace framed window until the soft light of the dawn seeped through it.

  The over the counter pain reliever Karen had given me had reduced the pain in my jaw to a bearable throb but the hurt inside my heart was still ardent.