by Donna Fasano
"But without university research," he said to Garrett, "there would never have been the discovery of the gene that predisposes a certain percentage of the population to colon cancer." He lifted one hand in an effort to emphasis his point. "You must agree that research is a benefit to society."
"I'm not disputing that. But research must be left to private industry," Garrett debated heatedly. "Colleges and universities must keep education their primary concern."
"Cassie, can you believe what he's saying?" Joshua asked her.
Panic rose like bile in her throat. She tried to smile, but couldn't quite make her mouth obey. Finally, she answered him with a firm shake of her head. Then she whispered, "I'm going to step outside, if you don't mind."
Without missing a beat, Joshua turned back to the man and said, "Education is the primary concern, and always has been. You know that. And private industry is too focused on profit margin to make any real breakthroughs that won't feed the greed..."
The night air was warm and still, and Cassie moved to a deserted side of the patio. She closed her eyes and inhaled the delicate scent of summer, but she could find no solace in the blessed moment of solitude or the flowery fragrance wafting on the air.
Dear God in heaven, what was she doing here? How could she possibly have tricked herself into believing she could hold her own with Joshua's peers? These were highly educated people. People who had fancy degrees and important careers.
"Cassie."
She froze and felt a painful wrenching in her gut when she recognized Susan's sly tone. Slowly she turned and saw the woman suck deeply on a cigarette.
After she exhaled, Susan said, "Come give us your opinion. We're discussing The Scarlet Letter and Hawthorne's hidden messages revealing the evil of the human soul."
Cassie wasn't completely stupid. She knew The Scarlet Letter was a classic piece of literature, that a great American novelist named Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote it, and that it had something to do with an adulterous woman. But she did have to admit she'd never read it.
She probably would have. If she'd stayed in high school.
How could she give any kind of intelligent opinion about a book she'd never even read?
Her smile was jerky, she could feel it. "I'm not feeling well," she said, grasping the first excuse she could think of.
Susan's grin held not one iota of concern. "You look like you've eaten some bad sushi."
"Maybe a walk in the garden will help." Cassie hurried down the steps and rushed out into the safety of the darkness without looking back.
Once in the shadows of the leafy trees, she slowed her pace. The perspiration on her brow felt cool, but she swiped at it with trembling fingers.
Haunting questions welled up to torment her. How could she ever have thought she could date Joshua? How could she have seriously believed that she and a man like him could have anything in common? How could she have let herself become involved in this situation? It was embarrassing. Humiliating.
After walking a few hundred feet, she noticed the heels of her shoes began to sink in the soft and sandy ground. The radiant moonlight glowed on the glassy surface of the pond. Cassie wished her emotional state was as calm as the beautiful scene before her.
A fat toad croaked in the marsh reeds, and when Cassie's presence frightened it, it hopped into the pond with a loud splash. She watched the toad as it swam away, the murky water sluicing over its head.
In Joshua's world of radiant moonlight, crystal goblets, and intellectual debate, she was like that toad: mossy green, bumpy, and ugly. She didn't fit in with the people of his circle. Just as most of the people at that party would find that wart-ridden toad distasteful, they found her distasteful.
She had nothing in common with those people. Nothing. She couldn't interact with them, not in any way that would interest them, anyway. Oh, she could explain the most efficient way to pack groceries into a sack: all the cold items together, canned goods on the bottom, breads, cookies and crackers on top. It might seem intuitive, but many store clerks she'd worked with hadn't been able to grasp the concept. Or she could discuss the best technique for soldering a wire to a circuit board. It took a light touch to get just the right amount of solder. Or how to measure a woman for the perfect fitting bra; Cassie would bet her last dollar that Susan, just like eight out of ten other women, was walking around wearing the wrong size bra. But Susan wouldn't be interested in anything Cassie might know. Neither would the large majority of those at that party. One quick stroll through the house had shown Cassie she couldn't even begin to understand the things they found to be gratifying or engaging or worthwhile.
This whole situation was hopeless. Joshua existed in a whole different world than she did. His days were filled with scientific hypotheses and campus classrooms filled with students, with staff meetings and lectures and cocktail parties. While hers consisted of finding and keeping a job, any job, that usually paid next to nothing and involved long hours and strenuous labor in order to make sure her brother was fed and didn't have to sleep in the back seat of her beat up Chevy.
The turmoil roiling inside her was troubling enough to have her burying her face in the palms of her hands.
Hell, it was almost too easy to imagine some of those people in that big fancy house laughing at her, shunning her. Joshua would never want someone his friends didn't accept. Oh, he wanted her, she knew that. They'd nearly eaten each other alive tonight before this stupid party. But once they'd slept together, once he'd sated that hunger he had for her, then where would they be? She certainly couldn't engage him in any sort of fascinating discourse. How could she when she didn't have two brain cells to rub together? It wouldn't take him long before he'd see that for himself.
How had she ever fooled herself into thinking she could have a relationship with Joshua?
It had all started with that statement Joshua had made. "We can work it out," he'd said, implying that there wasn't anything that should stop them from exploring the powerful attraction they felt for one another. She'd actually let herself begin to believe it might be true. The fantasies she'd created in her head had been like some highly addictive drug that had her wanting more. And more.
And then there was that shopping trip to the mall where the salesclerk had mistaken them for a real family. The boys had loved it and Joshua had played along, letting Andy and Eric have their fun.
The trip to the park had been the final clincher. They had played together, had laughed together, just like a real family. Cassie had let herself dream that maybe they could be a real family.
Above everything else, though, it was that sexual chemistry that continued to simmer, melting away her powers of reason.
All these things had set her up for a huge fall, had lulled her into a sense of hope for the future– a sense of hope that was utterly and totally false.
When Joshua had made that statement, he'd had no idea what he was talking about. No idea! The problem that loomed between them wasn't something as simple as a bad past relationship. The problem between them was like a stone wall that was too wide, too tall, and too thick for either one of them to scale.
And this problem wasn't going away. Ever. She'd always be a high school dropout. No matter what she might accomplish, she'd always bear that horrible moniker like some ugly scar.
She slid her hands down over her face and pressed her fingers to her lips. How could she have let this happen? She was on a date with the man who wrote out her paycheck. She'd kissed him, touched him, allowed him to touch her. How had she gotten herself in this position? That question was sure to drive her mad before this was over. But, she thought again, how could she? How could she let herself fall in love with–
Her eyes grew wide. Dear God in heaven! She'd fallen in love with Joshua. Her throat convulsed as she dragged air into her lungs. Thoughts whirled through her mind faster than she could comprehend them.
Clenching shut her eyes, she pressed tight fists against her temples to stop the questions, the criticism, and the
self-condemnation that raced around in her head.
"You're a fool! A stupid, stupid fool!" Her harsh whisper carried on the still air over the pond. A fool, she silently repeated.
Finally she lowered her arms to her sides, her hands still balled into fists. Although she stared off over the dark water, she didn't see the scene before her. Her mind became as calm and serene as the pond's still surface.
She'd been an idiot to believe that she and Joshua could ever share any kind of relationship besides that of employer and employee. There was no way she could be involved with him and keep her secret, and there was no way, if he learned it, that he would want to have anything else to do with her. He certainly wouldn't want her taking care of his son, and he wouldn't want her in his life at all.
She needed this job. For Eric's sake.
But even more than that, she needed her pride. Without her self-respect, she'd have nothing. Absolutely nothing.
She must make Joshua believe that she wasn't interested in him in any way except as her employer. But how was she going to do that after the way she'd behaved so wantonly with him this evening? Had she really suggested they skip the party? And do what? she viciously wondered. Lay down in the weeds and skunk cabbage with her skirt hiked up around her waist?
Hot tears welled in her eyes when she realized she would have done it in a heartbeat. Had Joshua said the word, she'd have made love to him right there on the muddy, mosquito-ridden pond bank. How trashy was that?
The mere thought of his mouth on her made her blood heat and race through her veins like liquid lava. No one had ever made her feel so womanly, so purely sexual.
Rubbing her fingers across her forehead, she banished the image from her mind. She had to set things right. She had to protect Eric. She had to protect herself.
"Cassie?"
She jumped, and couldn't decide whether it was her name breaking the night silence or Joshua's appearance at this particular moment that had startled her more.
"I didn't mean to frighten you," he apologized.
She shook her head. "It's okay," she told him. "I was just thinking of you."
"Oh, yeah?"
The teasing glint in his eye made her heart flip over in her chest. But the decision to cool things between them was too near, too raw, too important for her to react as she wanted– in kind– so she simply erased all emotion from her face.
Evidently he didn't notice the change in her and he took a step closer, reaching out with both hands to clasp her upper arms.
His lips looked so inviting and he smelled wonderfully woodsy, and his fingers on her flesh felt warm and strong and secure, but she forced herself to close her eyes for the briefest second so she could block the sensory information that bombarded her brain.
"Joshua." His name ripped from her throat in a tortured whisper.
His brow immediately wrinkled. "What is it?" he asked. "What's wrong? Did something happen? Did someone say something to upset you?"
He made to pull her to him, but she stopped him by pressing her palm against his hard chest. "Please," she said. "If you don't mind, I'd like to go home."
The crease between his dark, intense eyes deepened. "You aren't having a good time?"
"It's not that. I'm not feeling well," she lied, and realized immediately that this probably wouldn't be the last one she told him.
"Of course we can go home," he said. "Let's go say our goodbyes–"
"Do we have to?" she asked in a rush. The thought of going back into that house, of facing those people, sent nervous tremors throughout her whole body that had her actually feeling sick to her stomach.
"Well," he said, "I really should thank Nathan..."
"Of course." She nodded. "But, would you say goodbye for me? Give him my regrets? I'll meet you at the car."
"Sure." He gave her a quick, reassuring smile before turning back toward the house.
Cassie stood there for several minutes feeling so utterly alone she thought her heart would break right in two. And when she finally did start out toward the car, she purposefully gave the house a very wide berth, sticking to the shadows as much as possible. Still, she could hear the music, the echoing laughter, and a heavy mantle of humiliation settled over her as though every person at the party knew her disgraceful secret.
She could never be a part of that kind of life. She would always be on the fringe of such a group of people– never belonging– and the disgrace she felt solidified into a deep sense of sadness. She could almost feel the chasm between Joshua and herself widening with every passing second.
~ ~ ~
Joshua sat in his study, absently tapping a pencil against the desk top. Amazing how such a tiny sound could become so hypnotic. Self-hypnosis was known to focus the attention, heighten the senses, improve experiences, but lately he would have preferred to avoid his thoughts. He'd rather he was distracted from the unrelenting frustration that beleaguered him. The gray and brooding afternoon sky perfectly matched his mood. He should be in his laboratory at the university, or at least wading through the pile of essays on his desk waiting to be graded. But thoughts of Cassie kept intruding on him, keeping him from his long 'to do' list.
A week ago she had acted like the lover of a lifetime, her kiss had been wet and wonderful, her exploring hands, hot and bold. The desire she'd stirred in him had made his blood boil. The kisses they'd shared in the moonlight, even now as he brought the vivid image to mind, could make his need for her painfully and physically evident– so evident, in fact, that it was necessary for him to shift his position in his chair to relieve the discomfort. Damn, if he didn't stop this, he'd need to go take yet another icy shower.
But something else had happened that night. The two of them had gone off to that party, and Cassie had returned home… changed. Joshua hadn't been able to figure out why; he had no idea what had happened, but the passion that had erupted in her on the evening of the party had cooled. Significantly. Hell, it had frozen glacier-solid.
He'd attempted to talk to her about it, but discussing such a personal topic meant getting her alone. Whenever he was home, either the boys were always playing nearby or Cassie was flying off on some pretense or another. He knew her little excursions were only ploys she was using to avoid him. And she'd become very adept at those ploys over the past seven days.
The past week hadn't been without its advantages. He'd learned a few things about Cassie. She loved kids. When Eric and Andrew were around, she put them first. Joshua liked that, and with each day that passed, he was more and more delighted that she was helping him raise his son. He'd come to the conclusion that no one could do a better job of it.
He'd also noticed how much Cassie read. She seemed insatiable for information. Whenever the boys asked her a question, or if there was a conversation at dinner, she could often be found reading the topic so she could share her discoveries with Andrew and Eric.
Her self-confidence and pride couldn't be missed. She cared about how she looked, cared about how the boys dressed, kept their clothes and their rooms clean and well-organized, as well as the rest of the house. And she was thrifty; some of the household expenses had been drastically cut. The grocery bill, for instance, yet they still enjoyed delicious meals. He didn't know how she did it.
She was kind and compassionate. He'd learned that Cassie had driven Aunt Mary around town to run errands. He hadn't even realized his aunt needed as much help as she did. Yet, Cassie had noticed, and she'd stepped up and offered her services.
It seemed the woman was a perfect package. Capable, loving, giving, beautiful… and sexy as hell.
Memories wafted like ghosts to haunt him; the scent of her skin, the taste of her mouth, the fullness of her breasts… the lush roundness had fit perfectly in his palm. The thought made Joshua want to groan.
So here he sat on this dreary Saturday morning feeling nothing but deprived. He had a mountain of research data in need of interpreting, essays left unread, and tests waiting to be graded, yet he was hel
plessly focusing all his energies on the woman living under his roof– so close, yet so damned far away.
As though his thinking of her conjured her image, she inched open his study door and entered. He stopped tapping, went completely still and watched her. She obviously hadn't noticed he was in the room because, without looking up, she moved to the bookcase to her right, slid the book she had been carrying into its empty slot, and then turned back toward the door.
He watched her graceful movements and his gut wrenched, and he thanked his lucky stars for this prime opportunity. They would have this out. Now.
Just as her hand touched the doorknob, he spoke her name.
Cassie's heart lurched in her chest and her gaze flew across the gloomy room to where Joshua sat behind his desk. "I thought you'd gone to the university." She could hear the accusation in her voice.
"As you can see," he said, "I'm right here."
"I was only putting back the dictionary I used last night."
"There's no need to be contrite. I've already given you permission to use the library whenever you please."
He snapped on the reading lamp on his desk top and she could feel his intense eyes lock onto her like a tracking device designed to draw her nearer. There was a quarrel in the air, she could feel its density pressing in on her. Or was that her self-consciousness?
Last Saturday night she'd decided to let Joshua know that a relationship between them was impossible, but she hadn't been able to bring herself to do it. She had known she'd have to invent a pack of lies to answer his inevitable questions and she just couldn't gather enough courage to face the ordeal. That wasn't like her. She normally liked to meet difficulty head on. But this thing with Joshua was too overwhelming. So she'd simply stayed as far away from him as possible.
Since avoiding him had failed, she might as well relent to the conflict that crackled in the atmosphere. "I'm sorry I didn't knock," she said, her tone anything but apologetic. "But, like I said, I thought you'd left the house."
He stared silently for a moment before asking, "Cassie, how long is this going to go on? What's wrong? What happened? I need for you to talk to me."
