Nanny and the Professor

by Donna Fasano

  Her heart nearly broke at the hurt revealed in his questions, but she couldn't let herself react to that. She had to focus on the cold, hard facts of the matter, not the soft and tender emotions.

  "Nothing's wrong."

  There it was. Lie number one.

  And the lie was like a sharp arrow that pierced him to the bone, she could see it from his pained expression.

  "Please talk to me." He rested his elbow on the desk, his chin on his thumb. "We need to talk about what happened last weekend. We need to talk about us."

  His eyes conveyed so much raw emotion, Cassie had to force herself not to look away. Anxiety rose inside her like fumes from a smoky fire that threatened to choke the life right out of her.

  "But... the boys are waiting."

  Lie number two. But she conjured this deception with a hesitation in her raspy voice. Nevertheless the lie shot through the air, straight and true, landing with a wounding thunk.

  "Maybe we can talk later," she said.

  Lie number three. Because if she had anything to do with it, they'd never discuss last Saturday night, they'd never talk about surrendering to the sexual attraction that seemed stronger than she was. She knew it was stupid to think she could put if off forever; she knew she couldn't. But she could postpone it as long as possible. He made her weak; her feelings for him made her weak, and she didn't like it.

  The distress evident in his dark eyes only added to her apprehension. And the apprehension rose to panic level as she watched him stand, come around the desk, and move past her to close the door. The latch clicked loudly in the silent room, and she felt cut off from the outside world.

  "You will talk to me," he quietly demanded. "Right here. Right now."

  She felt her eyes widen as she fought back the hysteria surging over her panic. What could she tell him? What lies could she use to make him–

  The realization of what she was doing, what she was about to do, struck her like a stinging slap across the face. Lying to him only jeopardized her integrity. Lying only diminished her self-respect. Deceit was a mean and repulsive thing.

  But the truth would cost her everything.

  As though deciphering her chaotic thoughts, Joshua said, "All I'm looking for are some honest answers."

  At that moment the riot of anxiety inside her froze into a dense mass of fear. "I can't," she whispered, shaking her head.

  "I want to know what happened between us. You're not leaving this room until you tell me what happened last weekend to make you–" his fingers grasped at empty air in frustration as he searched for a word "–change."

  She understood exactly what he meant, he didn't need to explain. "Please." She felt her throat swell with emotion. "Don't make me tell you."

  The golden flecks in his brown eyes glittered with determination. "I want to know. I need to know, Cassie."

  The image of his face blurred when her eyes welled with tears.

  "But it will cost me too much." She could barely get the words out.

  The smallest frown of bewilderment creased his forehead, but the hardness never left his eyes. She could tell he was determined to push until he made his discovery. He wouldn't relent until she broke.

  Her heart beat so loudly she was certain he'd be able to hear its thudding. She felt a sheen of perspiration break out above her lip and she swiped at it.

  What she was about to tell him would change her whole life. She closed her eyes for the barest of moments before raising her lids to look directly into his gaze.

  "We can't be together," she began shakily. "We can't date. We can't have... a relationship, Joshua." She took a deep, trembling breath. "Other than that of your being Andy's father and my being Andy's nanny."

  "But why?"

  "Because we can't."

  "Why?" His eyes narrowed and his nostrils flared.

  "We just can't!"

  He grabbed her upper arms. "Why can't we, Cassie? You're being ridiculous." The extent of his frustration was evident when he gave her a gentle shake. "I know you enjoyed being with me just as much as I enjoyed being with you. Tell me why."

  Sucking back a sob, she shouted, "Because I'm not good enough for you. I'm not worthy to have a relationship with someone like you. I'd never fit in."

  He released his hold on her. "What the hell are you talking about?"

  She looked at him, took in the dark eyes that would soon gaze at her with judgment and recrimination. There was no way to get around it now. She had to tell him.

  "I never finished high school, Joshua," she blurted out the hated, humiliating words and then, shoving her way past him, she pulled open the door and raced from the room.

  Chapter Nine

  Joshua stood speechless at the door of his study and watched Cassie flee from the room and up the stairway. Even after she'd disappeared from his view, he stood there.

  If she had confessed to him she was an alien from the planet Neptune, he wouldn't have been more surprised than he was at this moment.

  She hadn't finished high school? How could something like that have happened to someone like Cassie?

  He'd always imagined high school dropouts to be irresponsible or no-account juvenile delinquents or teenage, drug-addicted criminals– kids whose IQs matched their shoe sizes. Not someone as intelligent and perceptive as Cassie.

  Finally he stepped back into his study and slowly closed the door. He stared at the floor, his hand still on the knob. Maybe she did have a tainted past.

  Maybe she had been an unruly delinquent, a reckless and shortsighted–

  No! Logic immediately and vehemently rebelled. Not the Cassie he'd come to know. Not the Cassie that he left in charge of his son every day. It just wasn't possible. He wouldn't let himself believe it of her.

  But, he wondered, did he not want to believe it because, if it were true, he'd then be guilty of neglecting his son by not checking out the woman he'd hired as his nanny?

  Then another thought came to mind: maybe she did have a dark and shameful past, but she'd grown and matured into the trustworthy, fully capable woman he knew her to be.

  He shook his head. The pieces of this puzzle didn't seem to fit. Or rather, he was missing a few of them.

  Moving to his desk, he lowered himself into his swivel leather chair. He absently picked up the pencil and tapped it lightly against his chin as he tried to figure out exactly what he was going to do about this revelation of Cassie's.

  ~ ~ ~

  Monday morning, Cassie came down to the kitchen feeling surprised all over again that she still had a job. Saturday afternoon when she'd finally gathered the courage to ask Joshua whether he wanted her to leave his home, she'd experienced an odd mixture of relief and dark foreboding when he'd stated that he hadn't yet decided whether or not to dismiss her.

  He'd acted extremely preoccupied the rest of the day, remaining holed up in his study, and she'd felt on pins and needles, expecting him to up and fire her at any minute. Yet he hadn't.

  She was still amazed that he hadn't stormed after her when she'd originally unloaded the embarrassing truth on him. He hadn't done that either. The man was full of surprises.

  Her best guess was that he needed the time to digest the awful news about her and make plans for Andy once she was gone.

  Sunday had been her day off and she'd spent it at the mall with Eric. They had window-shopped, eaten lunch out, and then they had gone to the movies, an extravagance that had her brother nearly jumping out of his skin with excitement. She had stayed away from the house so Joshua could have some time alone with Andy.

  Cassie was actually glad it was Monday, the beginning of Joshua's work week. Pouring water into the coffeemaker, she switched on the machine to perk. As she slipped two slices of bread into the toaster, she noticed movement at the periphery of her vision. She glanced toward the door and saw Joshua standing there studying her. The sight of his handsome, clean-shaven face made her heart lurch, and at the same time her stomach filled with a leaden sense of dread.r />
  "Good morning," she murmured.

  He gave her a curt nod but continued to stare, obviously mulling over some heavy thoughts. Cassie's self-consciousness got the better of her and she let her gaze slide to the floor.

  The energy source that incessantly pulsed between them was as strong as ever, vibrating with a life of its own. But mingling with it this morning was an undulating tension that put Cassie in a frenzy. She needed to speak. She needed to break the silence that screamed between them.

  "The coffee will be ready in just a minute or two," she said.

  "Thanks, but I can't stay for breakfast." His voice sounded preoccupied. "I need to run."

  She sensed rather than saw him take a couple of steps into the room.

  "Andrew and I missed Eric yesterday," he said. "Would you mind if next Sunday the three of us had a day out? You know, just the guys?"

  His wholly unexpected request turned Cassie speechless and she just stared. It only took her a moment, two at the most, to realize his intention. Suddenly a lump formed in her throat in response to his attempt to assuage her fears about losing her job. He was letting her know that she and Eric would be here next week. What a wonderful man. She nibbled her bottom lip in an effort not to cry, and she nodded silently.

  Then, in a tone hoarse with gratitude, she said, "Sure. Eric would love spending the day with you and Andy."

  She felt she should say more. It was important to her to make him understand how much it meant to her to know that Eric had a real bed to sleep in, good, nourishing meals to eat, and a warm, secure house in which to live. But she simply couldn't voice the words right now without her emotions spilling down her cheeks in the form of tears, so she let it go, busying herself at the kitchen counter. She'd be certain to tell him all these things later, when she had her wits about her.

  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him pace to the window and look out on the backyard. She knew he was giving her time to gather herself together. Wiping her hand across her face, she felt another rush of emotion, this one a deep sense of appreciation regarding Joshua's gentle treatment of her. This was truly a first for her, to be treated with kindness from an employer who knew her secret.

  She admired his gallantry concerning the situation that she'd dropped in his lap this past weekend. He could have fired her on the spot. In fact, that's exactly what she'd expected him to do. Instead he'd spoken of the future– of taking the boys off together next weekend. He'd found a way to tell her she would remain in his employ without embarrassing her. His kindness made her tender feelings grow until she feared her heart wasn't big enough to contain all the love she felt for him.

  Still, she couldn't help but wonder how he really felt about her terrible past. What did he think of her for being a high school dropout? She didn't dare ask. His answers might turn into talons capable of ripping and clawing at her full and vulnerable heart.

  "Cassie." He turned to face her and she was relieved that she was able to look him directly in the eye.

  "Before I leave for the day," he said, "I have something I want to tell you." Without waiting for a response, he continued. "Saturday, I called a friend of mine. Doris is an administrator in the public education system here in New Jersey. Andrew and I had lunch with her yesterday, and she gave me some information. About the state GED program."

  Cassie went utterly still.

  His tone dropped an octave and became very gentle as he said, "It's a general education program that will give you the opportunity to earn a certificate that's equivalent to a high school diplo–"

  "I know what it is." Her nervousness forced the words to come out sharper than she'd meant for them to.

  He pressed his lips together and looked at her a moment. Finally he rubbed his hand across the back of his neck and sighed. Then his determined gaze lifted once more to hers.

  "The information is in the study. On my desk. We don't have to talk about it right now," he told her. "Read over the literature today. Think about it. We can talk tonight."

  She couldn't read the expression in his golden-flecked eyes. But when he cut a wide swath around her to collect his briefcase from where it sat on the table and then walked out the door without another word, Cassie was overwhelmed by the deep sense of disgrace that descended on her like a heavy woolen blanket. His tone, his coolly determined gaze, the fact that he'd kept his distance from her, spoke so loudly as to how his feelings toward her had changed.

  It was as though she had actually turned into that fat, green, ugly toad– a stupid toad that he found repugnant and disgusting, so disgusting in fact that he didn't want to come too close.

  She stood in the kitchen fighting to control herself. The sense of gratitude that had threatened to overwhelm her just moments ago quickly turned to tears of humiliation. The sunlight that pierced through the window split into a thousand shining fragments as her eyes watered and stung.

  Cassie had never meant for him to find out; she'd tried so hard to keep him from discovering her secret. Whenever her past had caught up with her in previous jobs, she'd been upset about being terminated, but she'd always left each employer with her pride intact, completely certain she'd given her all. Doing every job to the best of her ability had been her life's adage.

  However, there were two things that were different in this situation. The first was that, even though Joshua knew her secret, he hadn't dismissed her. She wouldn't be leaving this job. Not right away, anyhow. And she'd be seeing and interacting with Joshua on a daily basis, both of them knowing just how much she was lacking.

  The other difference in this circumstance was one of utmost importance: Joshua had stolen her heart. She loved him. She cared what he thought of her. She cared more than words could express.

  Walking away from Professor Joshua Kingston with her pride unscathed would be an impossibility. Keeping this job, for Eric's sake, was all important. Yet she could easily imagine those brown eyes of Joshua's turning on her with a contempt that would chisel away at her self-esteem until she had none left.

  But he's offered a way to change that, a silent voice beckoned for attention. Joshua offered a way to change your whole life.

  She glanced toward the study, but she hadn't time to ponder the strange apprehension that filled her before the boys bounded into the kitchen shouting for breakfast.

  Cassie avoided Joshua's study all morning long. But it was such a blatant evasion that she began to feel bugged by her behavior.

  She'd baked a double batch of oatmeal-raisin cookies, and then after cleaning up the mess, she just about forced Andy and Eric into playing hide-and-seek with her in the yard. Finally the boys did everything short of coming right out and asking her to go into the house so they could play together.

  The realization that she was procrastinating struck her just as the back screen door latched with a click. Why was she putting off going into the study to read the literature Joshua had left for her? Simply learning about the program didn't mean she was making any kind of commitment, or signing up for classes.

  Completely fed up with herself, she took a quick glance over her shoulder at the boys and headed straight for the study.

  She eased herself into Joshua's chair, the burgundy leather soft and supple with age. The mysterious, thoroughly male scent that was his alone permeated the chair, the desk, the very air of the room. Just being where he worked so much of the time, made her feel very close to him.

  Cassie smoothed her palms over the desk top, then along the arms of the chair. Closing her eyes, she covered her mouth and nose with her hands and inhaled, slowly, deeply.

  Joshua. She could smell him. Could picture in her head his attractive, intelligent face. Could almost feel his warm fingers touching her arms, his firm, moist lips kissing her throat, her jaw, her mouth.

  Letting her head relax against the chair back, she tilted up her chin and trailed her fingers lightly down the sensitive skin under her jaw and down her neck, mimicking the movements Joshua might make if only...
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  It was such an easy thing for her to travel back in time to the night of the party– the night of their impassioned moments by the pond. The time she had spent in his strong arms would be an exquisite memory she'd cherish for the rest of her life. No matter how often she thought about it, she never got tired of reliving the feelings, both physical and intangible.

  He had wanted her. She'd known it by the yearning she'd seen in his gaze, by the furious beating of his heart, by the granite hardness of his desire that had pressed so intimately against her palm, her hip.

  The vivid memory made her gasp in heated response. Her eyes flew open and her head jerked upright.

  Joshua may have wanted her at one time. But that was before he'd really known who she was, what she really was. And, now that he did know, he certainly didn't feel the same about her.

  Cradling her forehead in her fingertips, she stared with unseeing eyes at the pile of papers and books he'd left on the desk for her. There was nothing she could do about how Joshua felt. The realization offered nothing but hopelessness.

  With a dreary grayness weighing heavily on her emotions, she opened the information pamphlet and began to read about New Jersey's GED program. The classes she would need to take, she learned, would focus on math and language skills, science, history and a few other subjects. Passing the timed, day-long test would earn her a general education certificate.

  The person who had given Joshua the information had included several books and a sample test. She opened the math book, spent some time slowly flipping through the pages, and was relieved to see that the skills were primarily basic. But she quickly became dismayed to see that knowledge of statistics would be necessary. She had none.

  She looked up when she heard the back door bang shut. The boys began rummaging in the kitchen.

  "We can make our own lunch," Eric called out to her.

  "Yeah," Andy chimed in. "We got it covered, Cassie. And we won't make a mess."