Nanny and the Professor

by Donna Fasano

  The innocence in Andrew's whispered question tugged at Joshua's heartstrings. One corner of his mouth curled wryly.

  "I sure am," Joshua whispered back. "Good morning."

  Andrew lay down beside him, staring intently into his eyes. The serious expression on his son's face made him want to frown, but he forced himself not to. Andrew clearly had something on his mind, something he wanted to discuss. But Joshua's fatherly instincts told him not to push, to let the boy lead the way in his own good time.

  This heightened intuition he felt toward his son was all thanks to Cassie. He knew it just as surely as he knew the sun would rise in the east and set in the west. Of all the nannies he had ever hired for his son, Cassie was the only one who calmly and rationally talked to him about his son's needs as a growing boy. She had made him aware of his tendency to want to overprotect, and she'd done it in a way that hadn't made him feel inadequate about his parenting skills. He guessed she knew, through raising Eric, that parents have enough to feel guilty about without having to feel as though they have failed.

  Cassie was a special person, kind, loving, caring. And bright. And it frustrated him to no end that she didn't seem to see it.

  Joshua pushed himself up in bed and rested his back against the headboard. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Andrew mimic the action. Joshua lifted his arm and cradled the back of his head in the palm of his hand, and again, his son followed suit.

  Reluctant to make Andrew feel belittled in any way, Joshua checked the warm-hearted smile that threatened to form on his lips. But he did allow himself the pleasure of gazing at his son and enjoying the tender emotions that pervaded every fiber of his being. God, how he loved this child.

  "I'm worried," Andrew finally stated.

  "About what, son?" he gently probed.

  The boy sighed heavily, as though the weight of the world pressed on his shoulders.

  "About Cassie," he said. "The last few days she's been walkin' around feelin' really bad. And she won't say why. It's like she's depressed or something."

  Joshua's eyes widened and he cleared his throat so as not to chuckle at Andrew's shrewd, worldly-wise observation.

  Finally, Joshua sighed and admitted, "She probably is." He paused a moment, then went on. "You see, Cassie and I had words earlier in the week."

  "You guys had a fight?"

  "Well, not a fight exactly." Joshua couldn't bring himself to confess the terrible things he'd said to her. Andrew wouldn't understand. But then, when he thought about it, neither did he. Cassie's lack of education didn't change the person he knew her to be. A revelation seemed to hover on the fringes of his brain, but knowing his son was waiting for his response, he couldn't take the time to ponder it. "But I did say some things," he finally said, "that might have made Cassie..."

  "Depressed?" Andrew supplied.

  He nodded ruefully.

  "You don't think she's gonna leave, do you?"

  Joshua looked at his son's stricken countenance. "No," he assured. "I won't let that happen."

  The determination he heard in his own voice provoked a sharp mental image; weeks ago he had promised Andrew he'd somehow convince Cassie to stay, and he had done so. Back then he'd acted on behalf of his son– giving Andrew the nanny he'd wanted had seemed all important at the time. Now, he realized, he wanted Cassie to stay just as much as Andrew did. More, even. Much more.

  "'Cause, you know," Andrew said, "Cassie is the best nanny who's ever watched me. She takes real good care of me and Eric. And she's real smart, too. She could do anything, don't you think?"

  "I do," Joshua agreed. "I agree with everything you've said."

  His next words came out in a carefully measured murmur, almost as though he planned them. "Maybe somebody needs to tell her. It might help undepress her."

  Joshua tilted his head to the side and simply stared at his son. "Out of the mouths of babes," he whispered.

  "Huh?"

  "Nothing, son." Joshua cast a bright smile Andrew's way. "You're pretty smart yourself."

  He cocked a grin up at his dad. "I'm just a product of my environment."

  Joshua laughed openly. "You certainly are." After a moment, he remarked, "You've become pretty fond of Cassie."

  "She's nice," Andrew explained. "When I fell down and scraped my knee outside, she not only cleaned it and put some ointment on it, she gave me a cold washcloth for my face." He peered up into his dad's eyes, his voice lowering an octave as he bravely admitted, "I think she knew I was gonna cry." He paused a moment. "She plays ball with me and Eric. And she lets me have as much mustard on my sandwiches as I want." Then he wryly added, "As long as I clean up after myself."

  "That's important," Joshua commented.

  "And one of the best things I like–" again he cast a side-long glance at his dad before continuing "–is when she tucks me in bed at night. She gives me a hug. Her hair smells all flowery. I love her." The last three words burst from him and his fair complexion flamed.

  Joshua patted him on the knee. "It's okay if you love Cassie." He inhaled deeply and said, "In fact, I think that's what's wrong with me. I didn't know it until just now, but... I love Cassie, too. And I don't know what to do about it."

  Andrew frowned. "Why don't cha just tell her?"

  His son's overly simplistic solution struck a chord in Joshua. Why didn't he just tell her? he wondered. He knew why.

  "Well, after some of the things I said to her," he began his explanation slowly, "I'm not so sure telling her how I feel is such a good idea. I don't know how she'd respond."

  "Were the things you said really mean?"

  Joshua grimaced. "They weren't very nice."

  "Wow," Andrew commented. "This is a problem."

  They reclined on the bed, the only thing breaking the silence was the sound of the birds chirping outside the window.

  "I know!" Andrew's voice was full of excitement. "I know what you can do, Dad. First off, ya gotta say you're sorry for hurtin' her feelings."

  Joshua nodded. "I can do that."

  "Then, you gotta butter her up. You know, say she's nice and smart and pretty and smells good. Stuff like that."

  Pressing his lips together to suppress the chuckle bubbling inside him at the suggestions, Joshua could only nod.

  "Then," Andrew said with a shrug, "tell her you love her."

  Joshua looked into his son's shining eyes and felt sentimental moisture prickle his own. His heart swelled with love until it was near to bursting.

  "I'll do it," he announced around the swelling in his throat. "I'll tell her how I feel."

  "Great!"

  Then a thought dampened his enthusiasm. "But I may have to wait. Today's Cassie's day off and she might have plans to go out."

  "She might not, though," Andrew opined. "We were gonna take Eric to the park with us today. Why don't we ask Cassie to go, too?"

  A slow smile crept across Joshua's mouth. "That's a great idea."

  "I'm gonna go get dressed." Andrew hopped off the bed and hurried toward the door. "You get up, too, okay?"

  "Right away." Then, when his son had opened the door, Joshua called out, "Hey, Andrew." Their gazes met affectionately. "Thanks, buddy," Joshua said.

  Andrew gave him the thumbs-up sign before scampering out of sight.

  Joshua sat up in the bed, stretching his shoulder muscles this way, then that. Maybe somebody needs to tell her. Andrew's words came into his mind with clear, childlike insistence.

  Maybe Cassie didn't know how competent, how bright, how smart everyone thought she was. Maybe the self-assuredness she had shown on their first meeting– the composed, clearly capable ego that had convinced him to hire her in the first place– had been a facade, a mask she used to hide her vulnerability.

  Remembering the downcast eyes, the rounded shoulders of defeat she had shown him earlier in the week, he knew the cocky, confident nature she'd evinced to get the job had been false.

  He balled his fists, feeling the frustration once
again filling him.

  She was competent. And bright. And smart. Damn it all! And he would make her understand that. He was determined to make her see what a wonderful person she was.

  Not too much later, Joshua walked into the kitchen, and smack into the middle of a fervent conversation between Andrew, Eric, and Cassie.

  "I'm sorry, Andy," Cassie said. "But I can't go. I'm sure your father wouldn't want me intruding on the one day a week he gets to spend with you." She put two glasses of orange juice in front of the boys and turned back to the counter. "It's bad enough that he's going to be troubled with Eric–"

  "But I'm no trouble," Eric said, affronted.

  "Yeah," Andrew chimed in. "Eric's no trouble."

  "I agree." Joshua took his cue. "He's no trouble at all."

  Cassie whirled around, nearly dropping the serrated knife she was using to slice the bagels.

  "I didn't know you had come down," she said.

  Her words sounded breathless and beautiful to his ears. Now that Andrew had helped him to realize how he felt, the house looked brighter, the whole world, sunnier. But nothing could surpass the beauty of the woman standing before him. He simply had to convince her to spend the day with him.

  "Cassie, the boys and I would both like to have you join us at the park today," he said.

  "But–"

  "Please," he interrupted her.

  Cassie looked into his handsome face and she had to tighten her grip on the handle of the knife to keep her fingers from trembling. Her knees felt weak just standing in the same room with him.

  For days now, she'd nursed her wounded feelings. The words he'd flung at her had been as sharp as daggers. But here he was claiming to want her to go with him on what should be her day off. She couldn't help wondering why. Did he have the notion to rail at her, to berate her some more?

  But there was a softness in his eyes she hadn't seen in days.

  "If you have nothing else planned," he added gently.

  "No," she heard herself admitting quietly. "I'm not doing anything special."

  "Then come with us."

  He followed up his invitation with the most dazzling smile she'd ever seen– a smile that actually made her even more weak in the knees than she already felt. How could she possibly resist?

  "Okay," she told him, but it sounded faint and dreamy.

  ~ ~ ~

  Cassie sat on the blanket with her feet tucked underneath her and watched Joshua throw the baseball first to Eric, then to Andy. She tugged at the waist knot of her sleeveless white blouse, feeling utterly confused.

  What was she doing here? The question had echoed in her head the whole time she'd packed the picnic basket and during the drive to the park located at the far end of Stringer's Pond.

  She got up, absently smoothed her palms over the back of her twill shorts, and headed off toward the swings.

  Joshua had been so right when he'd blatantly exposed her fear of failure. She hadn't even realized it herself until she'd heard him say the words aloud. Tears burned her eyelids and she dashed at them with the back of her hand.

  Earning her equivalency diploma had been something she'd always planned on doing. It had been her unfulfilled dream. But there had never been time to do it. She'd been so busy with Eric, with bills, with money, with working two, sometimes three, jobs at a time. She'd always been too damned busy with life.

  Easing herself down onto the swing, she lifted her feet and let the natural force of gravity gently rock her back and forth.

  She didn't know how it had happened, but time had simply slipped by. And with each passing month, each passing year, the education she so desperately wanted seemed to drift farther and farther from her reach. And now, more than eight years after she should have earned her high school diploma, she was frightened that she might try to go after it… and fail.

  To fail at the one thing she so badly wanted would be the ultimate humiliation. No, she thought, dipping her gaze to the ground and inhaling deeply to hold back the panic– failing would be horrible, but knowing that the man you loved thought you were a failure... now that would be the worst. That would be unbearable.

  But Joshua already knows that you're afraid to try. The silent, heart-wrenching words mocked her viciously. That makes you a failure.

  "Hey."

  Lifting her face, she saw him standing in front of her. The gentleness in his voice, in his dark, attractive eyes, nearly made her cry. She was too darned emotional these days. She pressed her lips together and raised her brows in a querying manner.

  "The three of us had fun playing catch." One corner of his mouth hitched up in a smile. "I wish you'd have felt like joining us."

  Unable to get her larynx to work properly, she put on an apologetic countenance and shrugged one shoulder a fraction.

  "The boys were getting hungry," he said softly, tenderly. "I told them to set up lunch and I'd come over and get you."

  The sympathy she heard in his tone killed her. His anger had turned into empathy. That's why he'd invited her today, and that was why he was being so gentle and sweet right now. The last thing she wanted from Professor Joshua Kingston was his pity.

  Tilting up her chin, she suddenly said, "Joshua, I'd like for you to find Andy another nanny. I think, with the way things are between you and me, that it would be best if I leave your house as soon as possible."

  He looked stunned.

  "Oh, please don't think I'd leave you in a lurch. I'll stay until you find someone," she assured him.

  Joshua studied Cassie; her dark hair tumbling softly over her shoulders, her blue, blue eyes wide with single-minded determination, her slightly parted, coral lips. He felt that if he couldn't reach out and touch her peachy skin he'd die. But now wasn't the time.

  He couldn't seem to get his thoughts in order. He knew he should be arguing with her, asking– no, pleading– for her to stay, but none of the words that ran through his head seemed meaningful enough.

  Apologize for the mean things you said, Andrew's high-pitched, little-boy voice announced silently in Joshua's brain, and before he could think about it, he found himself responding.

  "Cassie, I'm awfully sorry for the things I said to you."

  A frown of uncertainty gathered between her neat, dark brows.

  "I spoke out of turn about your education," he continued. "I'd like to ask you to forgive me. I'd like for you to stay on as Andrew's nanny. You've come to mean a lot to him." And to me, he thought, but didn't think it prudent to say it just yet.

  "I'm happy Andy likes having me around," she said. "I love him as much as I love Eric. But, Joshua, my lack of education is a big issue between us." She laughed ruefully. "I mean, look how we've acted all week. Barely saying two words to one another. You can't live like that. And besides, everything you said to me, hurtful or not, was the absolute truth."

  "But I shouldn't have said them." His tone resonated with self-reproach.

  They looked at each other through a thick fog of tension.

  Finally, Andrew's voice echoed again in his head. Butter her up, it told him. Tell her she's smart and nice and pretty.

  "You know," he started out slowly, "you're smart enough… just the way you are."

  She made a humorless sound of incredulity. "Do you hear what you're saying? You, a college professor, are telling me that it's okay that I dropped out of high school. Come on, Joshua."

  A stress-filled exhalation burst from him.

  "That's not what I meant, damn it." He grasped the steel chain of the swing. "Besides, I should never have butted my nose into your business. I should never have brought home the GED information. All I succeeded in doing was to make you feel bad about yourself." He raked his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Cassie, I don't care whether or not you have a high school diploma."

  "Of course you care," she argued. "I spend all day with your son. Me, an uneducated, uncultured–"

  "You are not uncultured!" The anger that burst from him was surprising, a
nd he took a moment to calm down before adding, "I will not allow you to put yourself down like that."

  She was staring at the bare earth under her feet and he reached out and tipped up her chin. "Cassie," he began gently, "you may not have earned your diploma, but a piece of paper cannot determine a person's worth."

  "It helps," she snapped.

  He simply stared at her. "You have no idea, do you?" he asked, his voice taking on an unusual quality that elicited her full attention. "You have no inkling of what you have done for me. As a father, I mean. You, the uneducated person that you are," he parroted her words at her to make a point, "have taught me that there's more to being a parent than guarding your child against harm, that it's also letting go. You've improved my relationship with Andrew two hundredfold. And the change in my son is remarkable. Just look–"

  "Cassie! Cassie!"

  Eric's terrified scream immediately drew their attention.

  "My God," Joshua whispered. "What's wrong with Andrew?"

  They sprinted across the grass and Joshua reached the blanket first. Andrew looked lethargic. Joshua noticed how his son's lips were tinged blue.

  "What happened?" Panic caused Joshua to shout the question at Eric.

  The boy's chin quivered, then words rushed from his mouth. "We were havin' a contest to see who could take the biggest bite of sandwich. We were laughin' and jokin' around."

  Cassie sat down.

  "Can you breathe?" she calmly asked Andrew.

  "When he started acting funny," Eric continued, although the adults no longer paid attention, "I thought he was just trickin' me."

  "He's choking." Joshua smacked his son sharply between the shoulder blades.

  "Joshua, no!" Cassie yelled. "You'll make it worse."

  She pushed Joshua out of the way and positioned herself behind Andy. With one fist balled, she placed her hands at his solar plexus and gave several sharp, upward thrusts. Joshua could only watch, horrified.

  The ball of bread and cheese and lunchmeat flew from between Andrew's lips, and he instantly took a deep, ragged breath. Then he gave in to a bout of coughing before again inhaling deeply.

  After several moments Cassie asked him, "You okay, now?"