Finn

by Dale Mayer

  “Maybe,” she said, “but I’m no carrot for anyone, and the fact that he thought I was a prize at the end of his day makes me feel quite icky.”

  “I didn’t mean it that way,” he said gently. “But knowing that you were there is what helped him to heal so much faster.”

  “Maybe.” But her gaze turned almost inward, and he kicked himself for having mentioned it. “Just in case,” he said suddenly, “I don’t want you to compare the fact that I really like being around you and really enjoy spending time with you as similar to his problem.”

  And once again, he could feel her shuttering back and closing off. “Seriously,” he said in an attempt to regain lost ground.

  She nodded and said, “It’s a painful topic. Let’s change it. Are you ready for dinner?”

  He accepted the change of conversation and nodded. And, in his wheelchair, he twisted and headed over toward the entrance line to the food. Dennis was there. As he smiled up at the other man, he asked, “Are you ever not here?”

  “Sometimes,” he said. “I always try to be here for dinnertime. My mama didn’t raise any fools.” At that, he cracked up laughing. The dinner looked so good, and, by the time Dennis had set up Finn with a nice portion of souvlaki and Greek potatoes, he was looking forward to getting back to his table and diving in. He could have seconds or thirds if he wanted to, and tonight he might.

  Traveling carefully with the tray on his lap, he headed back to his table. As he turned to look around the corner to see where Fiona was, she still talked to Dennis, his face lit up even more as he spoke to Fiona, making Finn’s own heart clamp down. She knew so many people here, was friendly with so many people that he sometimes felt a little out of the loop. But, then again, that’s probably how she felt about the relationship between him and Dani. And how was he to explain what that longtime friendship was actually like?

  He knew he wanted to continue this discussion, but he also knew it wouldn’t be that easy. When he looked up the second time, she wound her way toward him, carrying her own tray. He quickly emptied his tray, much preferring to eat off the table, like a real dining room. She did the same and then moved both trays to the side. As she sat back down, she sniffed her plate and smiled. “I do love Dennis’s cooking.”

  “Maybe you should marry him,” he said, half joking.

  She shot him an odd look. “That wouldn’t work out so well,” she said quietly. “Dennis has been here for a long time. He’s a good friend.”

  Feeling small for his comment—when he’d intended it as a joke, but it had fallen flat—he just nodded. He had to wonder if one of the reasons they fed the patients so well here was, by feeding one appetite, it helped to keep another at bay. He was no saint, and he’d loved many women in his lifetime, but he also knew that the time for short-term relationships were long over for him. That’s not who he was anymore, and it hadn’t been who he was for a long time. Across from him, Fiona sat, elegant, and yet, sweet, classy and funny. There was just so much to like about her, and he felt like a grumbling teenager.

  “You’ve stopped eating,” she said lightly.

  With a start, he pulled himself back to his plate, grinned and said, “Well, that will never do. Dennis might be insulted.” He dove back in.

  “Have you been in the pool yet?”

  He shook his head and forked up another bite. “I’ve been in the hot tub a couple times a week for the muscle knots, until they eased up, but I haven’t had a chance to do hydrotherapy yet. I really want to.”

  “It’s probably coming soon then,” she said. “Just talk to your therapist about it.”

  “I keep forgetting,” he said. “It just seems now that I’m a little busier how I lose track of things I want to do.”

  She seemed to let that slide for a moment; then she looked at him, her head cocked slightly to the side, and in a quizzical voice asked, “So much to do?”

  He nodded. “I haven’t really told you much,” he said, “but the more of my artwork I get back into doing, the more I feel like doing, and it becomes all-consuming. I had that problem before. I could sit in front of a movie, and I’d sketch away, but, by the end of the movie, I wouldn’t remember anything of what had gone on because I’d become so involved in my artwork.”

  “That sounds wonderful,” she said. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

  “I’m not sure it is,” he said slowly. “Sometimes it seemed like hours would go by. I hadn’t thought I’d ever get back to it again, and I’m not sure I want to get back into it that intently,” he said. “But it is an incredible feeling when you come back out of that fugue to realize what you’ve created.”

  “I don’t have a creative bone in my body,” she announced. “And so I’m incredibly envious of what you can do.”

  “You don’t know anything I can do yet,” he said, laughing.

  “Not quite,” she said. “Dani has a picture that you did of the horses on the back of her office door.”

  That stopped him for a moment. He stared at her and asked, “Really?”

  She nodded. “Absolutely.”

  He frowned. “I don’t remember doing it for her.”

  “Well, it’s there,” she said. “Whenever you get back to her office, you can take a look.”

  “I’ll do that,” he said. “So, did you like it?”

  “No,” she said, teasing. “I loved it. The freedom the horses personify—it’s as if they came alive off the page. You could just see them moving across the wall. It was really spectacular.”

  He settled back with a smile at the corner of his lips. “I was wondering about going pro,” he said, “but always that voice inside my head said I wasn’t that good.”

  “You are beyond good enough,” she said. “I don’t know how one does something like going pro, especially in this digital age,” she said, “but, if there was any way you could, wow.”

  “I’ve tried some digital art,” he said, “it doesn’t give me the same satisfaction as with a pencil.”

  “Makes sense to me,” she said. “I mean, I used to love Lego blocks. Yet the computer games based on them don’t appeal the same to me. Still, the younger generation, I guess they seem to take to it just fine.”

  He nodded. “I’ve always been so busy that I didn’t have much time for video games.”

  “And it’s never been something I ever wanted to do. I sit at the computer enough during the day. In the evening,” she admitted, “I’d rather go for a swim.”

  “Speaking of which,” he said, “I think when I return to my room, I’ll send a couple emails to see if I can get the pool added to my options. In the evenings, it would be really lovely to go for a swim.”

  “And there’s no reason you shouldn’t,” she said. “There are rules, like regarding safety, but, other than that, you should be free to use the pool as you want.”

  He nodded and then thought about something and slowly lowered his fork. “What about the colostomy?”

  She nodded. “You’re not stopped from all water sports just because you have that.”

  “But it might be visible,” he said, almost blanching at the thought.

  She gazed at him steadily. “And? Your stump will be too.”

  He frowned at that, thought about it, and nodded. “I guess that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? My body is no longer what it used to be.”

  “No,” she said, “it’s better. It’s a survivor. What happened to it had knocked it down, but it didn’t stay down. You got back up again, and you’re still taking steps forward. That’s what counts.”

  He smiled at her and said, “I knew there was a reason I liked you.”

  Chapter 11

  Fiona remembered Finn’s words long after she’d gone to bed. She lay here under her blankets, wondering. It was a thought that she kept with her through the night and even when she got up the next morning to start work again. She wondered if he would go to Dani’s office and take a look at the picture to see if he remembered it now that Fio
na had described it. As it was, she didn’t have the chance of doing much thinking throughout the day because she was so busy. And maybe that was a good thing.

  By the time her shift was done, she sank back in her office chair, stared up at Helen, who was coming in for the late afternoon shift and said, “Wow, I haven’t even had a chance to take a breather.”

  Helen nodded. “Hopefully you took care of it all,” she said, smiling broadly, “so my shift’s easier.”

  “Maybe,” she said. “We had two people move out today. We had one new arrival, and one is coming in tomorrow. The new arrival is somebody to keep an eye on.” They quickly went over his file, and, as soon as that was done, Fiona stood, stretched and said, “You know what? I think I’ll go for a swim.”

  “They were introducing a bunch of patients to the pool today,” Helen said. “I saw them as I walked across.”

  “Was Finn there?”

  Helen looked thoughtful. “I’m not sure if he was or not.”

  “He was going to ask for permission to go in the pool,” she said. “Hopefully he got it.”

  It was on her mind as she headed downstairs and past the pool. She kept a close eye on it to see if a session was going on. She was allowed to swim after-hours, but, if some of the patients were there working, she didn’t want to interrupt them. She didn’t see Finn when she walked over to her place, so she decided that the cool splash and the gentle movement of the water was exactly what she needed. She was tired and just stressed enough after her rough day so that a swim would be a perfect answer.

  Back at her place, she changed into her bathing suit, grabbed her pullover dress and her towel, and put sandals on her feet. As she headed back to the pool, she could feel her body already craving the cool sensation of the water and the peacefulness of floating. She dropped her towel on one of the benches, kicked off her shoes, pulled her dress over her head and headed toward the shallow end. Her hair was still in a braid, which was perfect for swimming. She stepped down slowly, looking around; a couple people were at the far end. As she hit the bottom step, she noted somebody at the side too. She glanced over to see Finn. She stopped in delight. “I see you got permission to come in the pool.”

  He nodded slowly, his gaze studying her face. She quickly ducked under the water, suddenly feeling shy. When she swam closer, he said, “Yes, I got permission today, and I’m glad I came. I was tired, almost too tired to make the effort, but I wouldn’t have missed that vision for the world.”

  Finn watched the wash of color rise up her face before she quickly sank into the water. Not only was she beautiful inside but she was stunning outside. A gorgeous face with a long slim body and she swam like a fish. Even though he was a hell of a swimmer himself, he took time to admire her form as she moved through the water, her arms cutting cleanly as they rose to the surface and back in again.

  He was already tired from his PT workout in the pool and was enjoying floating and moving around. It was amazing how easy it was to navigate in the water. It buoyed him and made him feel so much more capable, even with his colostomy bag. The stoma had a space ring to connect the bags he used to his body, but even then it was perfectly safe to be in a shower or the pool. He was a little self-conscious about it, but other people hadn’t even made a comment. This was a beautiful place to be, and, if this is what rehab was, he didn’t want to leave. Finally, he stroked through the water and then paddled toward her.

  “It’s good to see you here,” she said quietly as she treaded water. “Also good that you’re out in the open and not trying to hide.”

  He knew what she meant. “It was awkward at first,” he admitted. “Everything above the waist is in better shape,” he said, “but at the waistline and below the knee?” He shook his head.

  “Neither matter,” she said gently.

  “And I’m slowly realizing that,” he said. “For that, I appreciate this place and what Dani’s built here. The joy and the healing she’s brought to everyone. It’s been a pretty incredible time here already.”

  “And that’s why so many people have great experiences here. You’ve learned to become much more open, much more accepting. As soon as you become more accepting, others do too.”

  “And I would have said, as soon as they became more accepting, then I did too,” he said humorously.

  “But you know that’s not true,” she said. “It’s the other way around.” She hopped up to sit on the edge of the pool beside him, water dripping down her silky skin.

  He deliberately looked away.

  “As soon as you learn to love yourself, you learn to become more open,” she said. She looked up and waved at Dennis.

  “What is he doing?” Finn asked in amusement.

  “Looks like he’s taking orders,” she said.

  “Surely not.”

  “Dennis is one of those people who absolutely loves being here,” she said. “He goes over, above and beyond the call of duty at all times. And it’s incredibly lovely to see.”

  “You’re not kidding,” he said. “Like, wow. What do you think he’s taking orders for?”

  “I rather imagine something cool and wet, and, if we’re lucky, treats to go with it.”

  He looked at her. “You wouldn’t tease me about that, would you?”

  She started to laugh.

  Dennis looked at her and said, “Nice to see you in a good mood.”

  “I’m sorry. I’ve been a little down lately,” she said, her laughter slowing, “but I’m doing better.”

  “You should know that the lawsuit was dropped.”

  She stared at him in surprise. “Seriously?”

  It wasn’t much of a surprise to Finn that everybody knew about it because the medical personnel and others here were apparently a tight-knit family, and he kept seeing the proof of it every day. He looked at her and said, “Would that make you feel better?”

  “It would make me feel a lot better,” she said. “I desperately tried not to do anything wrong here,” she said in a low tone. “And, when something like that happens, it completely wipes you out. You don’t know how you could have done things differently. I didn’t want to hurt him. I really didn’t.”

  “No, and I think the bottom line is, he did so much better because you were here,” Dennis stated. “He’ll get over it.”

  She nodded. “Maybe, but I’d just as soon not get into that scenario in the first place.”

  “Just so you know,” Finn said, “I’m stating again that I’m not part of that same scenario.”

  Startled, she turned to look at him, and he caught the nervousness in her gaze, knowing that maybe she had been thinking that.

  He grabbed her hand and said, “I’m not. I’m perfectly capable of understanding who and what is responsible for where I’m at, how I’ve improved and how I haven’t improved, and where I need to improve. And it has nothing to do with an improper emotional connection to you. I know exactly how I feel about you, and it’s not related to my health.”

  He watched as the smile bloomed across her face, making his heart beat rapidly. She leaned across, kissed him gently on his cheek and said, “I hope so.”

  Just then Dennis interrupted. “None of that. Those of us without partners suffer terribly when we watch all this lovey-dovey stuff happening around us.”

  She chuckled, smiled and changed the subject. “So, what are you taking orders for?”

  “What do you want?” he asked.

  “I want coffee, if possible,” Finn asked. “And, if there happens to be any treats, I won’t turn those down either.”

  Dennis chuckled. “Do you need a light treat, like a muffin or cinnamon bun, or do you need like a triple-decker sandwich kind of treat?”

  “Oh, man,” Finn said. He looked at the clock and then shook his head. “It’s already almost five, maybe we shouldn’t have anything.”

  “Nonsense,” Dennis said. “I’ll bring you a sweet treat and a cup of coffee. And then, when you guys eat around sixish, if you want mo
re dessert, you can have that afterward.” And, with that, he took off.

  She turned to face Finn and said, “As you can tell, he’s a happy camper here.”

  “I really love that,” he said. “There’s absolutely no sense of being in a position that’s beneath him or feeling like he’s a servant. I really, really appreciate that attitude.”

  “That’s definitely not how Dennis views his world here.” She smiled and stretched back, leaving her legs in the water, but her body was stretched out on the concrete behind her.

  “Don’t you want something to protect your skin?” he asked.

  “No,” she said, “I just want to stretch out and feel the wind and the breeze and the sunshine on my body. It’s been a really long, hard day.”

  “I’m sorry if I added to that.”

  She laughed out loud. “It’s been a long hard day because of inventory and catching up on patient records. It’s been a long hard day because of filing and documentation management and computers that wouldn’t work and keyboards that got coffee spilled on them so they got cranky and a mouse, a cordless mouse that ran out of batteries that I couldn’t find. It was just one of those days.”

  He patted her hand and said, “Then close your eyes and rest.”

  And that’s what she did.

  He sat here, beyond content, keeping an eye on her, watching the rest of the world go by. When Dennis returned ten minutes later, he brought over a small table and set it up beside them and plunked down a tray with two large coffees and a plate with the largest darn cinnamon bun Finn had ever seen, cut into four pieces.

  Finn smiled and said, “Dennis, I do want to say what a pleasure it is to see your smiling face every day.”

  “And yours,” Dennis said. “Sometimes people arrive here thinking their world has completely collapsed. But, by the time they leave,” he said, “it’s amazing just how much they have grown and changed.”