by Regan Ure
After my homework was done I had a quick shower and then stood in front of my wardrobe. I pulled a pair of dark jeans off the shelf and pulled them on. I looked through my shirts and found a red one with some logo on it and pulled it over my head. I pulled my sneakers on before I got my wallet and phone.
I hesitated outside my bedroom for a moment; Haven’s room was quiet. I took a deep breath and walked away. I had to do this for both of us.
My mom was in the kitchen cooking supper when I walked in.
“Where are you off to tonight?” she asked, noticing I was dressed to go out.
“There’s a get-together at Kirsten’s house,” I told my mom.
“Don’t you want to eat before you leave?” my mom asked.
“I’ll get something when I get back,” I replied. There was no way I could sit through dinner across from Haven. If I saw her now I wouldn’t be able to do what I needed to.
“It’s a school night so don’t be back too late,” my mom warned me as she stirred something on the stove.
“I won’t,” I promised her. I gave her a peck on the cheek.
My parents were super cool. I could pretty much do what I wanted as long as my grades at school didn’t suffer. An anxious feeling of foreboding settled in my stomach when I left the house and got in my car. It didn’t take me long to get to Kirsten’s house. When I got there, there were already a couple of cars parked outside.
“Hey, man,” Shane greeted me as I stepped through the doorway. The front door had been open.
“Hey,” I greeted him. “How did you know I was here?”
“I heard your car,” he answered. “Everyone is in the basement. Do you want a beer?”
Normally I didn’t drink much, but tonight I needed some.
“Sure,” I replied and followed him to the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of beer and handed it to me.
“Thanks,” I said to him as I opened it, and I took a swallow.
I followed him from the kitchen down the stairs into the basement. A soft hum of music played in the background. There were about fifteen people scattered across the room. Some were playing pool, others were seated and talking, and some people looked they were doing the deed fully clothed in front of everyone. I scanned the room looking for Nicole, and when my eyes locked with hers, I gave her a lethal smile and her eyes lit up. This wasn’t going to be hard at all.
A few hours later I was leaving with Nicole’s hand in mine.
“Follow me,” I instructed her.
She nodded. By the time I got into my car and pulled out in the road I saw Nicole in her car behind me. I tried not to think about Haven and her reaction to me bringing a girl home. It would hurt, there was no doubt about it. I didn’t want to, but I had to do this.
Nicole was attractive but when I kissed her it felt almost mechanical. There was no deep lust wanting to break to the surface like there had been with the girls before I’d met Haven. Since I’d met Haven and formed some sort of bond with her, all the girls that I usually went for had lost their appeal. But I’d fix that. Once I fucked Nicole, there would be no going back, and irrespective of how much I cared for Haven, she wouldn’t forgive me for this. It would push me to let her go and carry on like I had before.
When I pulled up in front of my house Nicole parked next to me and got out of the car.
“You’ve got a nice house,” she said as she walked to me.
“Thanks,” I replied. I walked to the front door. I opened it and held it open for her to enter.
I put my finger by my lips to indicate to her to keep quiet. Honestly, I didn’t want to wake up my parents—my mother wouldn’t be happy with me. She knew what I was like with girls. Moms just knew this stuff, and I knew she wanted me to find something more meaningful than one-night stands. I think that when Haven entered my life I’d started to change, and my mom had noticed.
Secretly, I think she wanted Haven and I to get together. But I was too damaged, and Haven deserved better.
Nicole let out a nervous giggle when we got outside my bedroom door. I couldn’t help my eyes flickering to Haven’s bedroom door opposite mine. I felt like an asshole, but I knew I was doing the right thing. I opened my bedroom door and pulled Nicole inside. She gazed around my room.
“Your room is huge,” Nicole said.
“I like the space.” I knew I had a lifestyle that most of the teenagers my age didn’t have, and on top of that I had great parents.
She wondered around my room, running her finger along some of my books in the book shelf.
I sat down on the sofa and she turned to face me. She walked seductively over to where I was sitting and leaned over and kissed me. I pulled her down on top of my lap and she straddled me as our lips touched. I kissed her hard, trying to get into it, and she moved her lips against mine following my lead.
I stood up and held her against me as our kiss became more heated. Her lips opened under mine and my tongue swept into her mouth and touched hers. She groaned when I lifted her by the butt and she wrapped her legs around my waist. I pushed thoughts of Haven out of my mind as I carried Nicole to my bed. I lay her down and lowered my body onto hers. It felt so wrong but I kept my eyes closed and tried to go with it. I pushed my hand up her top and she groaned and pressed herself harder to me.
We kissed for a while and I felt her up but no matter how hard I tried, it wasn’t working. I couldn’t go through with it. Letting out a frustrated sigh, I pulled away from her and rolled onto my back.
“What’s wrong?” she asked breathlessly, peering over me.
“I’ve got a headache,” I lied to her. I rubbed my temple, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. I’d never had this problem before.
Haven. That’s what had happened to me: I’d met Haven.
For a few silent minutes I lay there trying to get my breathing under control before I turned to face Nicole. She’d straightened her clothing and was standing in front of me.
“I’ll let you out,” I told her as I sat up and ran a hand through my hair.
“Sure,” she said. I could see she was disappointed, even though she was trying to hide it.
Quietly, she followed me out of my room and I tried to make as little noise as possible when I opened the front door and walked her to her car. I was preoccupied with thoughts of Haven as I waited for her to get into her car and leave. She started up her car and gave me a smile before she drove down the driveway. I took a deep breath and returned to the house.
Well, that hadn’t gone as planned.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Haven
I didn’t sleep at all that night. At around two in the morning I curled into a ball and tucked the comforter around me. A few hours later I heard Amy knock on my door.
“It’s time to get up,” she told me.
I lifted my head to see her looking at me from my doorway.
“I’m not feeling well,” I told her. I couldn’t face Damien.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, looking concerned as she walked over to me. The first thing she did was put her hand to my forehead to feel if I had a temperature.
“I’ve got a splitting headache and I didn’t sleep well,” I fibbed. I hadn’t slept at all.
“Okay, I’ll bring up some painkillers,” she told me as she walked out of my bedroom, closing the door behind her.
It didn’t take her long to return with a couple of tablets and a glass of water. I drank them and slumped back into my bed, relieved she wasn’t going to make me go to school in my fragile state.
“I need to go into the office this morning, but I’ll be home this afternoon to check on you,” she said with concerned eyes, and it made feel a little guilty.
I gave her a brief nod before she left.
A little later I heard a car leave. It was probably Damien going to school. I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to face him yet, I’d have some time to try and get myself together. Although I wasn’t sure if I could put myself back together; my
heart still felt so fragile and it felt like the pain would never ease.
Exhausted but unable to sleep, I finally got out of bed and ran myself a bath. I thought maybe lying in a bubble bath would help, but nothing eased the pain in my chest.
I had a text message on my phone from Chris when I got out of the bathroom.
Damien told me you’re home sick. Everything okay?
I wasn’t ready to talk about the real reason I was hiding, so I just said I felt a little unwell today, but that I would be back at school tomorrow. I didn’t want him to worry.
Bored and unable to sleep, I opened my door. It still physically hurt to even look at the door to his room. I wandered downstairs to get something to eat. I wasn’t really hungry, so I grabbed an apple and took a few bites before I threw it in the trash can.
I stood looking out of the window. The weather outside matched my mood. It was dark and overcast. It looked like it was going to rain, but I didn’t have any more tears to shed.
On my way back to my bedroom my eyes settled on the door at the end of the passage. I remember Damien telling me that the room was used for storage. It was what he hadn’t said but what I’d seen in his eyes that encouraged my curiosity. I felt terrible for snooping around, but I couldn’t help myself as I put one foot in front of the other. I paused for a moment when I stood in front of the door. Curiosity won over the guilt and I opened the door.
The room was dark, so I flicked the switch and I was shocked at what I found when the light flooded through the room.
Damien had lied. It wasn’t storage. It was a bedroom, a boy’s room. I stepped inside the room and quietly closed the door behind me.
A neatly made bed stood in the middle of the room. On the one side was a bookcase with a desk. On the top couple of shelves of the bookcase were various trophies. I stepped closer to see what the trophies were for. I picked one up, and it looked like a trophy for soccer.
I took a look at the gold label on the trophy. It read ‘Awarded to Dylan Knight.’
Dylan Knight.
Then everything began to fall into place. The reason why Damien was broken like me. He’d lost his brother.
Oh. My. God.
How was it possible that he had lost a brother and nobody at school had said anything about it? Especially Chris, who always knew what was going on at school; how had he not known about this? I couldn’t help but wonder what he’d looked like, and how old he’d been when he died.
Then my thoughts turned to Amy and Steven. It must have been horrible to lose a child. It then dawned on me that maybe having lost Dylan was what had made them open their home to me. Overwhelmed, I sat down on the bed for a moment and my eyes drifted to the other side of the room.
On the wall were dozens of pictures of the family I’d come to know with their lost family member. I slid off the bed and took a step closer as I studied the first picture. It was a professional photograph of the family with Amy and Steven in the middle. Damien stood by Amy and then I looked at the face of the other son.
Shock set in when I realized that, not only did Dylan look like Damien, he was in fact an identical twin. Dylan had been Damien’s twin.
In the photo, I couldn’t tell them apart. It was sad to be looking at a moment when he’d been alive and his family had been happy and whole. It looked like the photo had been taken about five years ago. My eyes drifted from one photo to another. They looked so happy in the photos; some were professionally taken and some looked like they’d been snapped at family gatherings, possibly birthdays.
The one that haunted me was a photo taken of Damien and Dylan in their soccer uniforms. They had their arms around each other’s shoulders as they smiled into the camera. It looked like the most recent photo, and it looked like it had been taken a couple of years ago. I couldn’t help but feel the sadness that settled over me at the thought that his brother had died, leaving his family behind to try and pick up the pieces.
Whatever had happened to Dylan had happened a couple of years ago. I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened. The pain that Damien had endured when he’d lost his twin must have been devastating.
He’d been sympathetic and understanding when he’d found out I’d lost my mom because he’d understood what it felt like to lose a close family member. The difference between us was that I hadn’t really cared about losing my mother, but I knew that hadn’t been the case with Damien and his twin.
Feeling like I was being nosy, I backed out of the room and switched the light off. I went back to my room and climbed into my bed. I was still so upset with Damien, but I couldn’t help feeling sympathy for him and his parents. Losing someone so close must have been hard.
Exhausted, I drifted off to sleep.
When I woke up, it was dark. I must have slept for most of the day. I felt numb, maybe the result of the overemotional morning I’d had. Hiding out in my room for the rest of my life wasn’t an option. At some point, I would have to face him. As much as it hurt now, I knew it would hurt worse when I saw him.
I pulled myself from my bed and dragged myself through a shower, hoping it would make me feel a little better. It didn’t. I got dressed into a new pair of pajamas and climbed back into bed.
There was a knock at my door.
“Come in,” I said when I sat up in my bed.
“Hi, how are you feeling?” Amy asked as she walked to my bed. She was such a kind and a caring person, and I felt guilty that I’d been snooping around her dead son’s room. Losing someone close was hard, but losing a child went against the cycle of things. Parents weren’t supposed to bury their kids, it was meant to be the other way around. Having a little insight into the pain she had to deal with, I wanted to put my arms around her and hold her close.
“Better,” I lied.
“Are you hungry?” she asked with concern.
“A little,” I answered. I knew I should be hungry because I hadn’t eaten all day, but the truth was I wasn’t.
“I’ll bring up some food,” she said before she turned and left, closing my bedroom door quietly behind her.
I needed something to distract me from my thoughts, so I put the TV on and climbed back into bed. There were so many channels, but I flickered through half a dozen without anything capturing my interest.
When Amy returned with a tray of food, she set it down on my side table.
“Let me know if you need anything,” she offered. I gave her a brief nod and she left.
I knew I shouldn’t care, but I was curious to know whether Damien was home. It was none of my business what he did, but I couldn’t help hoping that he was home instead of out with some girl.
The food Amy brought me made me feel obliged to try and eat something. I took a couple of mouthfuls of the spaghetti and meatballs, chewing it and forcing myself to swallow them. I didn’t want to lose the healthy weight I’d to put on.
The silence across from my room made me believe Damien had gone out again. The thought of him with some other girl again made my heart sore. Feeling emotionally raw and tired, I got up and brushed my teeth, settling back into my bed after turning off the lights. I held the comforter up to my neck, staring at the darkness that surrounded me. The nights that Damien hadn’t slept in my room I’d had horrific nightmares about Grant and the attack.
Unable to handle the darkness without Damien I got up and switched my bedroom light on again and then got back into bed.
The sound of activity outside my bedroom doors made me hold my breath. It had to be Damien.
I heard a gentle knock, but I wasn’t ready to face him, so I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. My door creaked open as I held my breath. A few moments later a hand caressed my cheek and I felt a light kiss pressed to my forehead. I didn’t need to open my eyes to confirm it was Damien. I recognized his soothing smell as he leaned over me. His soft footsteps exited my room and I heard the door close quietly behind him.
Why had he come into my room to check on me? Irrespective of what
had happened last night he still cared about me. It didn’t make me feel any better.
The hurt that he’d been with another girl right across the hallway from me was too strong to be glossed over by his affectionate actions. I couldn’t help the thoughts that took over when I thought about him, which included a girl wrapped around him, kissing him. It made my heart ache. I needed time to be able to get over the hurt, before we could be close like we had been, but there was always the possibility that we would never be able to be as close as we were before.
Sometime during the night I drifted to sleep, and the nightmares started. The attack replayed in my dreams. I swear I felt the pain of the being stabbed again as Grant drove the knife into me.
I screamed.
“Shh, it’s okay,” I heard a familiar voice murmur.
My eyes blinked a couple of times, taking in his concerned face.
“I got you,” he murmured while he held me.
A familiar smell of safety surrounded me and I began to relax. My eyelids grew heavy again as my heart steadied. I was still hurt and angry with him but I needed him, so I stayed in his arms until I fell asleep.
The sun filtered in through a gap in my curtain as I opened my eyes. I rubbed my eyes and yawned as I tried to remember if I’d dreamed of Grant last night. Vague memories of the nightmare flitted back, but then I remembered someone holding and soothing me. It had to have been Damien. I searched the room with my eyes, but I was alone. Did he stay with me for most of the night and then leave early so that he wouldn’t have had to face me in the morning?
I dragged myself out of bed and started to get ready for school. After everything that had happened, things had changed, and I couldn’t continue the way I had. I’d depended on Damien long enough, and I needed to take the steps to gain my independence, to learn to cope with my issues without having to lean on other people. I didn’t want Damien to feel obligated to help me only because I couldn’t cope without him. I didn’t want his pity for me to glue him to my side.
My thoughts went back to what the social worker had suggested. Maybe it was time to go and see a therapist. They would be able to give me the tools to work through my issues and to help me put them behind me so I could look at the future with less baggage. There would always be permanent emotional scars that I would never get rid of, but I hoped that I would be able to work through some of it.
