Gold in the Fire and Light in the Storm

by Margaret Daley

  “And how do you feel about that?”

  He gripped the steering wheel tighter, tension visibly moving from his face to flood his whole body. “It’s one thing to see the happy family occasionally, but a completely different thing to run into them every week at church, a place I consider my sanctuary.”

  “Maybe she won’t attend the same service as you.”

  “Maybe” was his tight comment.

  Compelled to comfort him, Darcy laid her hand on his arm, wishing she had the right to do more. So many times he’d been there for her. “I know what it feels like to be hurt by someone you love. It knocks the breath out of you.”

  “It’s hard to acknowledge you could have been so wrong about a person.”

  “Shakes your confidence in your ability to choose wisely.”

  “Right.” His hands about the steering wheel relaxed, the rigid set to his shoulders eased.

  “I’ve been in your shoes. I know what you’re going through.” I’m still going through it, Darcy amended silently. She wasn’t entirely over her disastrous marriage to Clay. The effects of doubting her choices lingered and colored every judgment she made. She wasn’t sure that would ever totally change.

  “I knew there was a reason I liked you.” He shifted his full attention to her while waiting at a stoplight.

  Okay, she knew it was dangerous to feel warm and fuzzy, but she did. He made her feel special as no man ever had. Totally dangerous—their conversation about Carol only confirmed it. He wasn’t over his ex-fiancée, might still be in love with her, even if he didn’t acknowledge that to himself. Why else would he be so upset more than a year later?

  Joshua parked in the lot in front of Northland Lumber. For a few seconds he just sat in the truck, staring at the entrance as though he expected Carol to come out and greet him. Darcy’s throat contracted, her mouth went dry. She wanted to help him move on for a purely selfish reason. She cared about Joshua Markham.

  “Were you friends with her husband?”

  His jaws clenched. He sighed heavily. “Yes. We weren’t best friends or anything like that, but I knew him. We used to play on a softball team together before I got so busy I had to quit. I think that’s how she met him.”

  “You haven’t forgiven her, have you?”

  His jawline hardened even more. “I’m trying. Most of the time I don’t think about it. Lately I have been.”

  “Why now?”

  Switching off the engine, he shifted so he faced her with only a foot between them. “You. You make me think of things that I’d decided might not be in my future.”

  The breath bottled in her lungs burned. “You know I’m as leery as you are of moving our relationship forward.”

  “Yes. I know why I feel that way. Why do you?”

  “My marriage wasn’t a partnership. I found myself suffocating. I worked hard to make sure nothing rocked the boat with Clay, and that can be very exhausting.” There was so much more to the story than that, but Darcy still wasn’t ready to confess all her mixed-up feelings to someone she hadn’t known but a month. She and Clay had dated for a year and a half, and look what happened to that relationship. “I’m trying to discover who the real Darcy O’Brien is.”

  “I can tell you what I see. I see a person who is loving and caring, who is determined to do the right thing, who has taken a woman under her wing whose husband nearly killed her.”

  The warm, fuzzy feeling spread from the pit of her stomach to encompass her whole body. She wished she deserved his praise. “I’m helping Tanya because she is bipolar. My mother was bipolar and I want to understand the illness. As a teenager I didn’t.”

  “So that’s the only reason we’re going shopping for some lumber to build a ramp? You could look the illness up on the Internet if that was all. Don’t sell yourself short, Darcy.”

  He brushed a strand of her hair back behind her ear. The feather-soft touch curled her toes. “I couldn’t help my mother. Maybe I can help Tanya. But my relationship with my mother isn’t the point of this conversation.”

  He arched a brow. “It isn’t?”

  “No, we were talking about you forgiving Carol. The man I know doesn’t usually hold grudges.”

  “I’d built in my mind my whole future around Carol. When she married Kyle, everything fell apart.” He yanked his door open. “We’d better get moving if we’re going to build this ramp today.”

  Inside the store the tension returned to Joshua’s features. At any second Darcy was sure she would run into Carol coming around the next corner. When they left thirty minutes later, she hadn’t even met Kyle, Carol’s husband. For several miles on the drive to Nate’s Joshua still held himself rigid, but slowly the tension slipped from him. Darcy breathed a sigh of relief.

  After picking up Sean at Nate’s, the three of them headed to the Boltons’. As she walked up to the house, Darcy wondered what kind of reception they would receive. With Tanya she never knew how she would be from one hour to the next—much like her mother had been.

  Tanya threw open the door before Joshua had a chance to ring the bell. “You all are finally here. Crystal has been at the window for the past hour, waiting for you to come. Come in, come in.”

  Joshua snagged Darcy’s look, his brows raised. Darcy entered while Joshua and Sean went back to the truck to begin to unload the supplies. Darcy greeted Crystal.

  “I want to watch them work. Can I sit out on the deck, Mom?”

  “Sure, sweetie. Be a sec, Darcy. I have some things I want to show you.” Tanya rolled her daughter toward the kitchen.

  After only being gone a moment, Tanya bounced back into the room, a smile on her face and an almost wild look in her eyes. “Come on back to my bedroom. I can’t wait to show you what I bought.”

  With hesitation Darcy followed the woman in the opposite direction from the kitchen. “I’m gonna help the guys with the ramp.”

  “Oh, this will only take a sec.” When Tanya stepped into her bedroom, she swept her arm toward the bed. “They were all on sale. I couldn’t resist.”

  Covering the bed were mounds of clothes with the price tags still on them. On the floor nearby were ten boxes of shoes. Darcy’s mouth fell open. She brought her hand up to cover her surprise.

  “I thought I should go shopping for some new clothes for any job interviews I’ll have. You’ve got to look your best if you want the job. I so appreciate you helping me with the résumé. With your help and these new clothes I’ll have a job in no time, and Crystal and I won’t have a worry.”

  Tanya talked a mile a minute. Darcy had a hard time following her conversation. She blinked and tried to focus on what the woman was saying, but all she saw was the thousands of dollars’ worth of clothes on the bed—thousands of dollars that Tanya didn’t have.

  “What do you think?” Tanya held up a red suit, conservatively cut, and a pair of matching heels.

  “Nice, but do you really need all these outfits?”

  “Sure. They’re perfect.” Tanya took a dress from the pile and fingered the silky blue material.

  “Have you taken your medication today?”

  “I don’t need that. I’m doing fine, Darcy. Crystal’s gonna have the ramp she’s wanted, the lawyer thinks that Tom can cut a deal with the district attorney because of the unusual circumstances surrounding the case. And the day is gorgeous. Great day to build a ramp. Let’s go help.” Tanya started for the door.

  Darcy blocked her escape. “When was the last time you saw your doctor?”

  “I don’t need to see a doctor. I’m feeling great.” Tanya pushed past Darcy and hurried down the hall.

  Darcy stared at the bed and shook her head. A memory intruded: her mother standing out in front of the house while Hanson Furniture Store delivered several rooms’ worth of new furniture that they had no need for and no place to put. Her mother had gone to the store for a new chair for the den and had bought thousands and thousands of dollars’ worth of pieces that her father had had to return
the next day—after a terrible argument between him and her mother.

  When Darcy joined everyone out back, the first thing she noticed was Tanya flittering from Crystal to Joshua and Sean then back to her daughter. The woman couldn’t seem to stay still. All her activity made Darcy tired just looking at her.

  “Hey, I could use some help over here,” Joshua called out to Darcy.

  She pushed away from the door frame she’d been leaning against and made her way toward him. His gaze flickered to Tanya then back to Darcy.

  “Is everything all right with Tanya?” he asked, handing her some nails to hold for him.

  “No. I don’t think she’s taking her medicine very regularly. She’s in one of her manic stages.”

  “You think? I believe she could climb the side of the house and not blink an eye.”

  Darcy peered at Crystal, who watched her mother buzz about the deck, constantly in motion but not accomplishing anything. The worried look on the child’s face reminded Darcy of what she’d gone through as a child, observing her mother’s bizarre behavior and not understanding.

  “Sean, can you help Joshua over here?”

  Her son finished stacking the lumber and hurried to her. “You bet. When do I get to hammer?”

  While Joshua showed Sean what to do, Darcy strode to Crystal and pulled up a chair next to her. Tanya had disappeared inside the house. “How are you doing?”

  “Okay.”

  If the sound of Crystal’s voice was any indication, the young girl wasn’t doing okay. “If something’s bothering you, maybe I can help.”

  Her brow wrinkled, the child turned toward Darcy. “Did Mom show you her new clothes?”

  “Yes.”

  “She got me a whole bunch of new outfits, too. I don’t need any. I don’t go too many places.”

  “Maybe your mother can take them back tomorrow.”

  “Maybe.” Crystal studied her hands laced together in her lap.

  “I’ll talk with your mom and see what I can do.”

  “Thanks, Darcy. Is Sean going to Vacation Bible School next week?”

  “You bet. That’s all he’s talked about lately. Are you?”

  Crystal looked toward the back door. “I don’t know.”

  “Do you want me to ask your mother if I can pick you up and take you with Sean?”

  Crystal’s eyes brightened. “Will you…just in case she isn’t feeling too well?”

  “Sure. I hear at the end they’re going to have a talent show for anyone who wants to participate. Sean’s talking about singing. He says you sing well. Maybe you two can do a duet.”

  “Me sing in front of people? I don’t know about that.”

  “You might want to think about it. Sean’s planning on asking his grandfather to come and see him perform. He might need some moral support.” Especially if he couldn’t get his grandpa to attend, Darcy thought. She was afraid Sean was in for a disappointment when he asked.

  “I’ll be there for moral support in the audience.”

  “Then you can sit next to me and hold my hand, because I’m going to be one nervous mother.”

  The child’s laughter rang out, the sound a welcome change from the tension churning in the air. “You don’t need me. You can do anything. Sean says so.”

  Embarrassment heated Darcy’s cheeks. “I wish that were true. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses.”

  Again Crystal’s gaze drifted to the back door. “Yes, I guess we do.”

  Darcy wanted to take the young girl into her embrace and tell her not to blame herself for her mother’s illness, to seek help if she needed it. She wished she had.

  “I wish I could go, Sean, but I’ll be too busy that evening.” Shamus spooned some oatmeal into his bowl, frowning at the cereal. “Why is the food that’s good for you so bad tasting?” he mumbled, plopping the spoon back into the serving dish.

  “Grandpa, you’ve got to come.”

  “No, I don’t, my boy.”

  “But everyone is gonna be there. I’m singing.”

  “I can hear you sing here at the farm.” Darcy’s father poured milk onto his oatmeal, his nose wrinkling.

  Darcy’s stomach knotted. Sitting across from her son, she could clearly see his disappointment. He had been counting on his grandfather coming to see him. She’d tried to warn Sean that he probably wouldn’t, but her son wouldn’t listen to her. Her own disappointment took hold of her, forging a determination to have a word with her father after Sean left to do his chores.

  Silence reigned at the dining room table. A heavy, taut silence. Darcy forced herself to eat a few bites of the oatmeal, but it settled like a lump in her stomach. She gave up trying to eat.

  As soon as Sean finished his cereal, he jumped to his feet, then remembered to ask, “May I be excused?”

  “Yes, honey. I’ll be ready to take you to Vacation Bible School in an hour.”

  Without a word or look toward his grandfather, Sean raced from the room.

  “Does that child know what walking is?”

  “Yes, Dad.” She cleared her throat, her hands twisting together in her lap. “Please reconsider going to the talent show. It’s not really going to church.”

  “Didn’t you tell me there was a service before the show?”

  “Yes, but you can come late.”

  “Humph. I vowed I wouldn’t set foot in that church after your mother died.”

  Darcy tossed her napkin on the table and straightened in her chair, preparing to do battle. “Why, Dad? You never told me why.”

  “Because it is none—” He clamped his mouth down on the last part of the sentence and glared at her. Then, with a deep breath, he continued. “God let me down. For years I was a good Christian who went to church every Sunday. All I asked of the Lord was to heal Nancy, to give my wife back to me. That didn’t happen, so I stopped going.”

  “You can’t bargain with God. He knows what’s best, and sometimes we just have to accept what He plans for us rather than what we plan for ourselves.”

  “Is that what you really feel?”

  A calm settled over Darcy, and for the first time she realized the true meaning of giving herself totally to the Lord, with no strings attached. “Yes. I know how important control is to you, but we can’t control everything.”

  Her father splayed his hand over his heart. “I know that. These past few months have clearly shown me my limitations.”

  “Make your grandson happy. Come hear him sing. We don’t have a big family. We need to stick together.”

  “Do you really feel that way?”

  She nodded.

  “Then why were you gone for ten years? That’s not sticking together, child.”

  “I was wrong.”

  Her father shoved his chair back and stood. “No, you were angry at me and I think you still are.”

  Darcy came to her feet, not wanting to give her father a height advantage. Every part of her rang with her anger. “Yes, I was—I still am.”

  “Why?”

  That one word sent the tension in the room skyrocketing. “Because you’re the reason Mother killed herself.”

  Her father’s eyes widened, then fury chased away his surprise and settled over his features. “How dare you say that! I loved your mother very much.”

  “Then why were you two always fighting? Why did she spend most of her days in her room, sleeping or crying, that last year? Why didn’t you help her?”

  He clenched his hands at his sides. “Because she wouldn’t take her medication and refused to see the doctor. No matter how much I pleaded, I couldn’t get her to do anything to help herself. People have to want to help themselves or nothing you do will matter.” He covered the short space between them. “Why do you think I turned to the Lord? I couldn’t help her. I thought maybe He could. He didn’t.”

  A vision of her mother the last time she’d seen her flashed into her mind. “I found her, Dad, that morning, lying on her bed as though she were asleep,
peaceful, except she wouldn’t wake up. That’s when I found the bottle of her medication by her nightstand, completely empty. I knew then that she’d taken the whole prescription at once. You never said a word to me about it. You just locked yourself in your office and worked. I needed you.” Her whole body shook with her intense emotions, with the pain of remembering, with the image that plagued her to this day.

  “Not the way I was after your mother died. I wasn’t good for anyone. I lost the woman I loved and I blamed God. But mostly I blamed myself. I should have been able to do something.”

  “So instead, you turned away from me and God.”

  “Don’t you see, Darcy, I was never any good at words. I couldn’t explain how I was feeling, let alone explain anything to you.”

  “How about a simple, ‘I love you, Darcy.’ That’s all I needed. That’s all I ever needed to hear from you.” And never did, she thought, tension gripping her stomach.

  “I do.”

  “You have a funny way of showing it. You can’t even say the words now.” Her true feelings, bottled up for years, spewed forward, and while a part of Darcy was taken by surprise, another part was not at all surprised. She was learning to say what she felt. He started to speak, and she cut him off, continuing. “You always demanded I do everything perfectly. I have a news flash for you, Dad, people aren’t perfect. But I tried my best. And I always felt I let you down. If you must know, that’s the real reason I stayed away for ten years. I couldn’t stand to see the disappointment in your eyes one more time. I had all I could handle with trying to keep my marriage together with a man who was as demanding and controlling as you were. Never again.”

  Her father took several steps back, a sheen to his eyes. “Why didn’t you say something before now?”

  “Don’t you dare turn everything back on me. I shouldn’t have had to say anything. You’re my father. You should love me without putting conditions on that love. You should love the Lord the same way.” The force of her anger prodded her toward the door of the dining room. She needed to get out of here, the air hot and suffocating, her lungs tight with each breath.