The Adventures of Duncan & Mallory: The Beginning

by Robert Asprin

  “Yes.”

  “So we use that and for the time being we keep the twenty-five I have a secret. That way we have some extra. Remember, partner, I’m the financial guru. Stick with me, and your life will be fame and fortune.”

  “You haven’t led me wrong yet, Mal, and you saved me from being beaten to death last night, so I trust you.”

  The poor fool, Mallory thought. But he can trust me. I wouldn’t cheat him. Hide an extra twenty-five coins from him, yes, but I wouldn’t cheat him. The question of course is why not? His eyes fell on the charred chain mail and he suddenly knew why. Because he’s like me—an outcast. He can trust me because I trust him. I trust him because—like me—he has no one else.

  * * * *

  Crazy Adam, the transportation-dealing king, no longer seemed happy to have their business. Duncan had wanted something flashy and Mallory had wanted something big. They had test driven a used steam car that landed somewhere in the middle, which neither of them really liked.

  Of course that became a non-point because after fussing over which one of the cars they were going to test drive they then told the guy that neither of them actually knew how to operate any of his vehicles.

  The human sighed and looked up at them. “Seriously, neither of you can drive?”

  Mallory shrugged. “How hard can it be if humans do it? No offense.”

  “None taken,” Duncan said, but Mallory was pretty sure the car dealer did take offense.

  After the man patiently told Duncan what to do, he climbed into the back seat as Duncan sat behind the wheel. Mallory sat in the passenger’s seat with his head out the window because he couldn’t get all the way in the car any other way.

  The dragon was pretty sure the whole car thing wasn’t going to work out, so he didn’t even bother to complain about how uncomfortable he was. Mallory had listened to the dealer giving instructions to Duncan, and he’d seen the blank look on his partner’s face.

  Duncan hadn’t been able to get the car to go very fast but he still managed to run into the back of a hay wagon. It didn’t do any real damage to either the car or wagon, but it really ticked off the two guys driving the hay wagon. Mallory, Duncan and Crazy Adam wound up reloading the hay for an hour.

  The whole time they were loading hay, the car salesman kept telling them that maybe a car wasn’t the right transportation for their needs. Duncan just kept going on and on about how you didn’t want to tick off hay farmers because they could be very vindictive.

  When they’d finally finished cleaning up the mess Mallory decided to try to drive which… Well, cars just weren’t made to be driven by dragons. That was all there was to it.

  “It’s another clear case of discrimination,” Mallory said, giving up and getting out so that Crazy Adam could drive them back to the car lot.

  “Maybe we should try one of these,” Duncan said of a steam-driven motor cycle.

  But Duncan almost got them killed and covered them both in mud when he drove it fifty feet and dumped it on its side in the middle of a puddle, leading Crazy Adam to look at the state of Duncan’s face and ask, “So what happened to your last vehicle?”

  “Excuse me?” Duncan asked. The man pointed at Duncan’s face, his arms, his hands.

  Duncan glared at the guy. “I’ve never owned a car before. If I had don’t you think I’d know how to drive the blasted machine? I got this fighting a monkey.” And he managed to say that last part as if it made perfect sense.

  “It’s a long story.” Mallory laughed nervously.

  Which was probably why Crazy Adam looked like he’d just as soon they leave without spending any money as waste any more of his time. Mallory grabbed Duncan by the arm and led him a little ways away. “Look, I don’t think any of these machines are going to work for us.”

  Duncan frowned and nodded. “At least not till one of us can learn how to drive.”

  “Tozactly!” Mallory said.

  “Maybe it’s time we look at horses,” Duncan suggested.

  * * * *

  Duncan found a horse right away, but every one Mallory sat on bucked him quickly off and after the third one Mallory said, “I don’t think any horse is ever going to let me ride.”

  Crazy Levi the horse trader looked at him. “No reason you can’t have a horse. I could cut you a deal. Maybe a team with a wagon would fit your needs.”

  “Could you give us a second?” Duncan and Mallory walked a ways away.

  “Another clear-cut case of discrimination,” Mallory mumbled.

  Duncan smiled to himself. If he was a horse he probably wouldn’t want a dragon riding him either. “They’re just stupid animals, Mallory. They can’t discriminate.” They just instinctively know that dragons should eat horses.

  “Maybe Crazy Levi has a point. If we had a wagon, if I wasn’t sitting on the horse…” the dragon suggested.

  “Why are all these guys called crazy?” Duncan asked curiously.

  Mallory smiled. “Thinking they’re insane is supposed to make us feel like we’re getting a really good deal.”

  Duncan nodded though he didn’t really understand. “Do we have enough money for a wagon and horses?”

  “Probably, but don’t forget—if you run out of wood or coal for a steam engine it won’t die of starvation. If we get horses we have to take care of them, feed them, water them,” Mallory said.

  “I hadn’t thought of that.” Of course. He felt like an imbecile because he’d had horses all his life. It wasn’t like he didn’t know they had to be taken care of. “There’s a lot of stuff besides feeding and watering them. I think it’s a bad idea for us.”

  “What about bicycles?”

  “I thought the idea was to have to work less,” Duncan said, not wanting to tell Mallory that he couldn’t ride a bike. Mallory nodded looking thoughtful. “I guess what needs to happen is that one of us needs to learn how to drive one of those car things.”

  “That isn’t going to happen today,” Duncan said, and thought, or ever.

  Crazy Levi ran after them as they walked away, screaming out deal after deal. They mostly just ignored him.

  Mallory said, “Let’s spend some of our coin on a room for the night. Then let’s find a tavern, get some food, and maybe another card game. Make some more money. Let’s face it. The more money you have the more options you have. It’s simple economics really.

  “In the morning we can buy more gear, some food for the road, and maybe find an answer to our transportation options.”

  Duncan thought only a second about taking a real bath in a real tub and of sleeping in a real bed before he said, “That’s a great idea.”

  * * * *

  The woman who worked at the hotel had been generous with the hot water. Duncan had stayed in the tub till the water was almost cold and his skin was all wrinkly. Then he’d dried off, crawled under the covers, curled up in the bed and gone to sleep.

  He woke up to Mallory saying, “Come on, man, let’s go get some food. Put on your best clothes and strap on your sword.”

  “I thought you were nonviolent,” Duncan said, rubbing his eyes and wondering if he could just sleep instead of eating. But then his stomach told him no so he got out of bed.

  “I didn’t say you were going to use the sword. It’s for show. Besides, if what you say about your sword skills is true you’d as likely kill one of us as anyone else.”

  “I don’t have any good clothes, Mallory. I have really dirty and tattered and not-quite-as-dirty-or-tattered.”

  “Good. Wear those,” Mallory said. He was counting the coins out of what Duncan realized was his pouch.

  “Hey, dragon! What are you up to?”

  “Splitting our money. We’ll leave half here hidden in our room and bring the other half with us. It doesn’t pay to put all your eggs in one basket. There are pickpockets and thieves in even the smallest towns, and it never hurts to have something stashed away safe. ”

  Duncan nodded. He supposed that made sense.
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br />   “Remember, Duncan, I’m the financial brains of this outfit.”

  “Ah.” Duncan scratched his head. “What exactly am I in this outfit?”

  “Well you had the seed money and…” He seemed to be thinking, and then Mallory smiled—a sight Duncan was just getting used to. “You carry the stuff.” And with that he tossed Duncan the pouch full of money. The dragon started looking around the room for a good hiding place for the other coins. He finally pulled one of the pillows out of its case, threw the money in the pillow case, put the pillow back in and then put it back on the bed.

  Duncan looked at the pouch in his hand feeling pretty unimportant as he tied it to his belt. “Stuff carrier” wasn’t a title he felt a man should aspire to much less be proud of.

  “But what do I do…I mean besides carry stuff?”

  “You watch my back. I watch yours. That’s what a partnership is all about.”

  “But what are we, Mallory?”

  “Leave it to a human to have to analyze everything.” Mallory sighed. “Why do we have to be anything? Why isn’t it enough that we are?”

  “If someone asks me what I do I’d like to have a better answer than I am.”

  “Fine.” Mallory stroked his cheek frill with one long, clawed talon. Then he looked up, his eyes brightening as inspiration hit him. “We, my friend, are men of mystery and intrigue. We’re world travelers.” His smiled broadly and swaggered a bit. “We’re adventurers.”

  Duncan liked the sound of that. He especially liked it if being an adventurer could include taking a real bath and sleeping in a real bed every once in awhile. He had to admit he was tired of sleeping under the open sky and all that it included.

  “When we get to the bar I’ll find a game. I’ll ask you for all our money. You’ll protest and say the last time you did that I lost it all.”

  “But you didn’t.” Duncan was more than a little confused.

  “So, you’re lying to me, and since I told you what to say, it’s not really a lie.”

  Duncan nodded. He supposed that made sense.

  “Then hand me half of the money.”

  “But you said to give it all to you,” Duncan said, not understanding at all.

  Mallory hit himself in the head with the palm of his hand then tapped his claws against his forehead for several seconds. When he stopped this he just looked at Duncan and for a minute Duncan fully expected the dragon to roar at him or maybe burn him to a cinder.

  Finally Mallory took in a deep breath and let it out in such a way that he might as well have said, “Listen, dunderhead.”

  “Look…let me see if I can explain this to you. Playing cards is as much about what the other players think of you as it is what’s in your hand. If you want the other players to bet all they have you have to make them believe you’re betting all you have. You never let them see who you really are any more than you ever let them see all your cards. Do you get it?”

  Duncan frowned. “Not really.”

  “It’s all smoke and mirrors, Duncan. Smoke and mirrors. You get them looking over here, but the action is really happening over there.”

  “It doesn’t sound terribly honest.”

  “So you do get it. Just do what I tell you to and you’ll do fine. I’ll ask you for all the money and then you say…”

  * * * *

  Mallory wondered what the odds were exactly. He looked to the back of the bar suspiciously taking in Sadie and Bilgewater where they sat playing cards with—among others—the jerk who’d won his vest in that ill-fated poker game. To make matters worse and even more improbable, the jerk was wearing Mallory’s vest. Mallory stroked his chin thoughtfully. In his experience such coincidences usually weren’t.

  At his shoulder Duncan said, “Aren’t those the same people you gambled with at…?”

  “Yes, and I’m wondering why they’re following us.”

  “What makes you think that they are?”

  “Because of the man they’re playing cards with. I know him.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Odds, my good man, it’s all a question of playing the odds. Either he’s following me—which I seriously doubt—or they are—which seems more plausible. But the real question is, if they are following us, why are they following us?” Mallory said thoughtfully. For a moment he started to just turn around and try another bar. Then he thought that maybe he could make this work to his advantage. After all, he’d love to have his vest back. “Stick to the script.”

  “Huh?” Duncan asked.

  “Just say what I told you to.”

  Duncan nodded that he understood.

  Mallory sauntered up to the table where the three he knew were playing with a cyclops who looked like he was already none too happy with the game. “Would you mind dealing me in?”

  Bilgewater smiled up at him, “Not at all. Anyone else have any objections?” The other players all just shook their heads. “Have a seat. The game is Tarslick Hold’em.”

  Mallory couldn’t tell from Bilgewater’s expression if he was sorry Mallory had found them there, or if he had fully expected that he would. Mallory hoped he wasn’t playing into their hands. It didn’t matter. Either way Mallory could use it to his advantage if he kept his wits about him.

  The jerk wearing his vest laughed and said, “Always a pleasure to take your money, dragon.”

  “Lady Luck can be a fickle mistress, Humphrey,” Mallory said with his own laugh, and settled into an empty chair between the cyclops and Sadie. He looked at Duncan and held out his hand expectantly. “Give me all the money.”

  Duncan leaned down to him and muttered just loud enough for everyone else at the table to hear. “We barely have enough to pay for our room as it is. You lost so much in your last game.”

  “Don’t worry, Duncan my friend, I will double the money,” Mallory replied. “Now give me all the money.”

  Duncan grumbled but handed him half the coins in his sack just as they had practiced. As he stomped away towards the bar Mallory decided that, despite his protests, Duncan could get good at this.

  Mallory smiled and picked up the cards he’d already been dealt. He looked at the man in his vest and smiled. By the end of the evening he planned to have his vest back.

  “I thought you guys might be partners,” Bilgewater said. Sadie threw him a look that said she didn’t think he should have told Mallory that.

  “Yes…well, as they say, it’s not always a good idea to show all of one’s cards,” Mallory said in a tone that implied that the fact that they’d figured out he and Duncan were partners didn’t bother him in the slightest.

  He looked up and caught Duncan flirting with a bar wench. He didn’t really understand such silliness. He just hoped Duncan wasn’t going to start showing coin to impress the woman. Mallory wondered how Duncan thought he could watch his back and the woman’s front at the same time.

  “That was a sweet pot. The monkey bet, I mean.”

  “Unfortunately I lost most of it. Bad night, you know.” Mallory could tell by the looks on their faces that neither Sadie nor Bilgewater believed him for a minute, but he didn’t need them to. After all, he wasn’t after their money. In fact, he even helped them win a hand or two when he had very little of his own money on the table of course.

  Finally the Cyclops gave up, grumbled that the game was too rich for him, and left while he still had enough coin to pay his bar bill.

  Mallory saw Duncan leave out the back with the bar wench. So much for watching my back. I’ll count myself lucky if he hasn’t spent every coin in his pouch by morning.

  Mallory played till the last of the jerk’s money and his vest were on the table. He laid out his straight flush with a huge smile, picked up his vest and put it on. Then he picked up all the money and stuck it into his vest pockets. “Very nice playing with you.”

  Humphrey grumbled and refused to shake his hand. Mallory shook Sadie and then Bilgewater’s hand and smiled. “Until next time.”

/>   “Until next time,” Bilgewater said with a bit of a bow.

  They’d made almost as much money between them as Mallory had, so they were happy. Mallory had decided when he first saw them that evening that he’d rather leave them smiling than with light pockets. He’d rather not have them as enemies, especially if they were going to follow him around.

  * * * *

  Duncan had a fine night and he woke up in a soft, warm bed feeling pleased with himself and life in general. That was when he heard the argument at the door. Mallory was standing in the doorway arguing with someone in the hall that Duncan couldn’t see.

  “…see here, dragon, I’ve had the night to think about it and you clearly cheated me,” a man was saying in an angry tone.

  “Listen here, Humphrey. When you took all I had I didn’t accuse you of cheating. You are a sore loser and…” Not wanting to attract a crowd, Mallory stepped aside and the angry Humphrey followed him into the room, still arguing.

  “Clearly you were in cahoots with those other two.”

  “I can assure you that I am not. Have you talked to them?”

  “I tried to, but they have already left town. No doubt because they…”

  “Then if anyone was cheating you perhaps it was them. I haven’t run out of town have I?”

  “Well no, but…”

  Duncan had been sleeping peacefully and this altercation immediately annoyed him if for no other reason than it was interrupting his night of sleep in a real bed. He tried just sticking the pillow over his head to cut the noise, but that didn’t work. So he jumped to his feet, the pillow in his hand. Still not quite awake he headed for the basin to wash his face and wake himself the rest of the way up. Just in case he needed to save Mallory from this jerk.

  He’d slept hard no doubt from a mixture of love and beer. His right leg was still asleep so he tripped over his sword and stumbled around the room trying not to fall. With his right leg full of pins and needles, he was jumping around on his left leg, swinging the pillow around in wide circles in an attempt to keep his balance that—not too surprisingly—wasn’t working. He ran right into the man in the doorway, shoving him into the door frame, and the pillow connected with the man’s head making a sick, clanging, tingling, thudding sort of sound. Duncan hit the floor.