The Adventures of Duncan & Mallory: The Beginning

by Robert Asprin

  “Shut up and help me out of this hole!” Duncan thundered, as he stumbled trying to get on his feet.

  “Well I don’t know why you’re mad at me. It’s not my fault you fell into the hole.”

  “You have the light,” the human hissed, as he finished getting to his feet.

  “Well obviously you weren’t walking where I’m walking, or you wouldn’t have fallen into the hole. After all I didn’t fall into the hole.”

  “Just help me out of this pit, Mallory.”

  Mallory stuck the torch between two rocks then lay down on his belly and stuck his arm down. Duncan was just out of reach so Mallory picked up the stick figure from where he’d dropped it and held it down for the human to grab. Duncan backed away.

  “What on earth is wrong with you? Just grab on, and I’ll pull you out.”

  “I’m not touching that evil thing.” The human proceeded to tell him some story t he humans at the bar had told him about some witch.

  “Are you kidding me? Just grab the scary stick figure. We don’t have time for this nonsense.”

  “I swear, Mallory, if some evil witch ghost comes and eats our souls….”

  “I’ll take full responsibility. I have to tell you, all the witches I’ve ever known have been very nice.”

  The human finally took hold of the stick figure, and Mallory pulled him out of the hole. Duncan looked surprised at the ease with which he did it, and Mallory grinned. “Yes, I’m quite strong.”

  Duncan dusted himself off a bit and pulled the pack off his back. Mallory grabbed the torch and held it up high again. “Seriously, what’s so scary about a stinking stick figure? Look, here’s about a bazillion of them just hanging everywhere. They should make a great fire.” He looked around at the cave roof and walls and finally found the cave mouth. They weren’t very far in, for which he was glad. The only thing worse than being lost in the woods would have been to be lost in a cave in the woods.

  He started pulling the stick figures down and stacking them near the entrance to make a fire. Hopefully he had picked a spot far enough from the mouth that it couldn’t be seen but close enough that he didn’t smoke them out of the cave when he lit it.

  “That’s it?” Duncan grumbled as he started gathering wood himself. “You aren’t even going to ask me if I’m all right?”

  “Are you all right?”

  “No. Now that you ask, I’m not. I’ve hurt my knee and I think I sprained my right pinky finger,” Duncan whined.

  “Good.”

  “What!”

  “That way you can limp into town tomorrow, announce that you’ve found me, explain that we’ve already scuffled, and that I’m going to be a challenge,” Mallory said.

  “Yes, that’s great,” Duncan scoffed. “Too bad I’m not bleeding from a head wound. That would make me look even more convincing. Do you ever hear the things that come out of your mouth, Mal?”

  “I’m sorry you hurt your pinky finger,” Mallory said. But it was obvious from the tone of his voice that he really wasn’t.

  “You don’t think those things are creepy?” the human asked of the stick figures.

  “Not really.”

  “How do you suppose they got there?”

  “Don’t know and I don’t care. Going to make great fire wood.”

  “I’m not sure we should burn those things.” As the words left Duncan’s mouth Mallory started the stack on fire.

  “You know, I’m not so sure we should be sleeping in this cave tonight.”

  “Why? Do you think the villagers have followed you?” Mallory asked, looking around quickly.

  “No, they’d never come up here. I told you they think the cave is haunted by a witch. That’s why I don’t think we should stay here.” He lowered his voice. “What if it is haunted?”

  “Please! Everyone knows there is no such thing as ghosts. Sheesh!” Mallory threw some more flame into the wood.

  * * * *

  Duncan saw a spook dancing against the cave wall and jumped, landing in Mallory’s arms with his arms locked around Mallory’s neck.

  “What on earth is wrong with you now?” Mallory asked.

  Duncan pointed at the strange shapes on the wall, and Mallory laughed and dumped him. “That’s just our shadows, stupid. See?” Mallory turned sideways and opened his mouth real wide, making what looked like a huge dragon fifty times his size.

  He started dancing around watching his giant shadow as it looked like the worst monster Duncan could imagine.

  Suddenly Mallory stopped dancing around, turned to Duncan and smiled.

  “Duncan my boy, you’re a genius.”

  “Huh? You just said I was stupid.”

  Mallory told him just what he had in mind and Duncan laughed. “Wow, I am a genius.”

  * * * *

  Earl was already having second thoughts even before he’d finished making the new part for the “dragon slayer’s” boat. By the time he had given the part to the stranger that night Earl’s second thoughts were becoming serious doubts. Then, after he’d had a night to sleep on it—or not sleep as the case may be—he’d decided that two hundred coins was a lot of money any way you sliced it. Way too much to part with, considering what he’d already lost.

  He still hadn’t caught all his pigs, his sons had left him high and dry, and the beast had broken an eighty-five coin window out of his bar. Not to mention that he’d spent a good piece of iron and the better part of a day building that new part. Earl could see no reason why he should bear the burden of paying the dragon slayer.

  He saw the tax money as his, too, since he normally got to spend it on whatever he wanted.

  He’d been up most of the night trying to figure out how to get the stranger to kill the dragon without paying him. When the town’s men-folk woke him at the crack of dawn, he was already mad. Grumbling at them about the early hour he dressed as quickly as he could.

  Now he was marching up the side of the mountain after the dragon slayer and almost every man in town big enough to carry a hoe, rake, shovel or pitch fork. He took the one spear that hadn’t been completely ruined by the dragon’s fire and walked in the rear.

  “I don’t see why we have to come if we’re paying him good money to kill the thing,” Earl mumbled. The town’s men all shushed him at once, making more noise than he had. It was that very moment that it started to sink in. He wasn’t in charge anymore.

  Soon the cave was in sight. The stranger threw up his arm as he stopped, successfully stopping the human tide. He turned around and in a whisper told them, “You need go no further. The job of killing this dragon is mine and mine alone. The only reason you are here at all is that if he should kill me, you will be the only hope for your town and your families. If he gets past me you must attack him with your full force. May the gods make my sword strike true, and may they have mercy upon all our souls.”

  Earl was about to tell him out right that he was a big, boasting moron when he suddenly saw the shadow of the creature in the mouth of cave. It looked huge—much bigger than it had in town—and it had looked pretty darn big then.

  The dragon let out a roar that seemed to shake the very ground they stood on, and they could see in the shadow its long, sharp teeth and claws as they raked the air searching for prey.

  All the men moved back as a group, clutching their hoes, rakes and pitch forks to them. Earl found himself moving ever further away from the group and the cave entrance with his spear clutched to his chest.

  No one was volunteering to go with the stranger, when the big guy took a big breath, turned around, and started marching towards the cave. His armor rattled with every step he took. It was clear to see from his stance that there was no fear in him at all.

  Obviously the man was an idiot! He was all arms and legs and that dragon was going to eat his lunch. And when he’d finished off the huge stranger, the beast was going to turn on them—a bunch of farmers with no fighting skills and no real weapons.

  Earl didn’t
like their odds. He started to sneak away from the group as their attention was focused on the “dragon slayer.” When the dragon let out a roar that sounded like thunder if the strike was at his feet, Earl turned tail and ran for town as fast as he could go.

  He tried to calm himself down. I’m being silly. Of course the stranger will vanquish the dragon. If he doesn’t then there is no way it can get past all the town’s men, they’ll make short work of him. After all, the stranger would have got a couple of licks in. If that idiot with the bad hair cut does get his fool-self killed then I don’t have to pay him. If a chunk of the town’s men get killed that means more of everything for me. I hope that dragon eats Sam in one bite. It would serve that busybody right. He slowed his pace.

  But wait. What if that dragon kills that big idiot and all the town’s men, and doesn’t have so much as a scratch? That couldn’t happen, could it? It could; it might. I’m not sure that dragon slayer is what he says he is, and the town’s men couldn’t stand up to me and my boys. That dragon is going to make mincemeat of the lot of them.

  Earl picked up his pace again, running faster and faster till he got to his smithy. He ran to a chest in the back where he stored old tack, opened it, dumped the contents on the ground, crawled inside and slammed the lid shut behind him.

  I’ll just stay right here till I know what’s going on. After all, I’m the most important person in town. These people can’t go on without me. So by protecting myself from certain death I am in fact saving the whole town.

  He congratulated himself on being such a selfless, caring, and giving leader and decided to take a little nap.

  * * * *

  Duncan pulled his sword, almost tripped over it, and as he recaptured his balance turned back to the group of men watching him and whispered, “A trick to throw the dragon off.” He winked, and Sam nodded and gave him a thumbs up.

  Duncan raised his sword high above his head and strode with great purpose into the mouth of the cave where he could now clearly see the fire burning behind a pile of rocks.

  Mallory looked at him from where he stood in the light of the fire, casting spooky images visible to the men waiting to kill him if Duncan failed. Of course the pose Mallory was striking to get the image he wanted looked sillier than menacing, standing as he was on one leg with his talons stretched out in front of him. His mouth was open as wide as he could get it and his tongue was hanging out to one side.

  Duncan giggled a little and whispered, “You look like a sick fish.”

  In answer Mallory roared again, and as the sound echoed off the cave walls even Duncan found he was a little scared. Of course it had more to do with the ghost he was sure lived in the cave. He looked at the fire and realized Mallory had thrown all of the stick men onto it.

  “I really don’t think you should have done that, Mal,” he said, indicating the fire.

  “Would you quit! You’ve been weird ever since you woke up and found that stack of rocks by your head. Seriously, you humans are scared by the silliest things.”

  “How’d the rocks get there?”

  “They were probably there when you bedded down and you didn’t notice. Now could you focus? We have work to do.”

  Duncan nodded. “Foul beast! You will no longer terrorize the good people of this village!” Duncan swung at the air in front of Mallory as they had practiced the night before, and Mallory jumped smartly out of the way, both for the show and because—as he had said last night—he didn’t trust Duncan’s aim.

  Mallory let out a wounded sound then roared again and clawed at the air. Of course the shadow made it look like he had smacked Duncan upside the head. Duncan threw himself on the floor of the cave and immediately picked up a handful of mud and started rubbing it on his coat of mail and his face.

  Mallory slung a flame over the top of him just for show, and Duncan could hear the men outside gasp. He jumped to his feet and ran at Mallory, going past him in a way that made him look like he actually sliced into the dragon.

  Again Mallory cried out in a pained way.

  “Now who’s way over the top?” Duncan whispered. Mallory smiled back and spit another fire ball over Duncan’s head. “Hey, dragon!” he yelped, then added in a whisper. “That was a little close. I can smell singed hair.”

  “Sorry.” Mallory grinned back.

  “Die, foul beast!” Duncan bellowed. He lunged forward, driving his sword into the log they had put there for the purpose. Mallory started crying out as if he were dying and stumbled around clutching at his chest. He did this for several minutes and Duncan whispered, “Really, Mallory. Quit hamming it up and die already.”

  Mallory frowned at him then hopped in the air and fell with a thud to the ground. Duncan moved, lifted his sword high in the air and brought it down on the same log he’d stabbed earlier. Mallory let out one long, lingering death cry as Duncan grabbed a dead fish and ran it through with his sword. He slung some more dirt on his body and smeared some fish guts on his head. Then he limped out of the cave mouth.

  He didn’t have to work on the limp because his knee still hurt from falling into the hole the night before.

  As he stumbled from the mouth of the cave—not really for show, because he’d tripped over another little pile of rocks—he noticed the villagers weren’t as close as they had been. They also were roughly half as many as they had been before he went into the cave. He noticed, too, that Earl was one of those missing.

  As he closed the distance he made a big deal out of cleaning his bloody, gut-encrusted blade on his shirt tail.

  The small group of men applauded, but Duncan held up his hand. “Please, do not cheer me, for it pains me to kill such a noble beast,” Duncan said. He had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing. “I did what I had to do, but I take no joy in my work.”

  “Is he dead?” Sam asked.

  “Quite! Would you like to see?”

  The remaining town’s men moved with caution to the area he led them to—a view they’d chosen that blocked them from seeing the true size of the fire they’d built and revealed only the parts of Mallory he wanted them to see. A rock was between the group and Mallory, blocking their view of the dragon’s neck, so that they could see only his head and his body. The best thing about this was that the villagers were convinced that they could see everything. It helped that Mallory was doing a good job of looking dead, his eyes just staring and blank, his tongue lolling out of his mouth. The men started to get closer, gaining courage after seeing that the dragon was dead. Duncan quickly put out an arm to stop them.

  “I must warn you! Don’t go any closer. See his eyes? Though the dragon is dead, the eyes are still seeing, and if he sees you in his dying eyes then his family will come to avenge him for a hundred years. It’s why I must always keep moving. Too many dragons have seen me with their dying eyes.”

  They nodded and backed away.

  “We should leave quickly now. In another hour even his carcass will be gone,” Duncan said.

  “How?” Sam asked skeptically.

  “No one knows. That is why we must go. It is said that when the dragon disappears it will take all those who witness his departure with him to the great beyond. I do not know if this is true, but I have never met anyone who has seen a dragon’s body disappear, and I have never been willing to wait around and see,” Duncan said. This had them all walking back to town as fast as they could go. Duncan winked at Mallory and followed the men.

  Mallory had been right. The villagers were so superstitious they would believe whatever he told them.

  He knew as he was walking back to the village that Mallory was doing his disappearing act: heading back to their boat with the new part to wait for Duncan.

  As they got closer to the village, he could see that every person in town was gathered around the front of the general store, all quietly waiting to hear news—good or bad. When they saw him and the other men they started to cheer, chanting his name over and over.

  Duncan waved his hand in
the air. “No, no, I don’t deserve that….” His words were drowned out by their cheers, so he just smiled, bowed, and said a lot of thank yous.

  “Where’s Earl?” Sam demanded to know, looking around at the crowd.

  “First time that monster roared I saw him running back to town,” Felix said. “Probably gone to change his britches.”

  “Go find him. Make sure he isn’t taking off with the town’s money,” Sam said, and the men all ran in opposite directions.

  “Tell us how you did it,” one of the women said to Duncan. So he told his story, lingering on the parts where he looked especially brave.

  Poor folks, they really were gullible. Duncan felt almost bad about fooling them. But the truth was the villagers’ real trouble wasn’t Mallory, it was Earl. If Mallory was right, the two of them had destroyed Earl’s hold on the town. If the town let him hornswoggle them again, then they deserved whatever they got.

  A moment later, Earl was marched up to the porch of the store between two big guys. “We found him hiding in a trunk.”

  Calls of “coward” and “crook” and even “traitor” came from the crowd.

  “The dragon is no more, thanks to Duncan. It’s high time we end Earl’s little reign of terror. I say we throw him out of all his offices right here and now and take back all of our tax money,” Sam declared.

  “You…you can’t do that!” Earl said.

  But a bunch of the men marched Earl up to his house to get the money, anyway. A few minutes later they came back handling Earl roughly, and the barkeep explained, “Tax money is all gone. Earl says his sons must have taken it.”

  Sam glared at Earl. “So…the money you have been collecting for years, that you said you were using to improve the town….”

  “And I have,” Earl defended.

  “How?” Sam demanded. From the murmurs of the crowd, they wanted to know, too.

  “I bought things for the town,” Earl said, pulling away from the two men who held him. He straightened himself out and stood as tall as he could, trying to restore some of his dignity.