by Mercy Levy
Chapter 6
The first week Jane felt her new life was torture. She didn’t feel she was doing anything right—and the harder she tried, the harder things were. The first day, she hadn’t done much around the house, and she could sense that he was irritated with her because of it. After all, he had opened up his home to her—he had opened up everything to her. The only thing she was supposed to do in return was tend to the smaller things around the house—she didn’t even have to go into the barn if she didn’t want to.
But, at every turn Jane felt as though she was being asked to do more than she ought. It was disgusting reaching under the hens to find the eggs, and it was even worse having to clean them before she put them away in the house. Cleaning the dishes felt menial and certainly not something she ought to be doing, and it was even worse when she had to pick up the broom and start sweeping the place.
At the end of every night she climbed into bed fully exhausted. She was completely worn out from the day she spent cleaning, and she couldn’t help but blame Jack for how she was feeling. She knew that he was working outside, but it didn’t seem to her that he was doing very much. Sure, he would tend to the animals and care for the various things in the barn, but she was left with the things in the house.
He expected dinner to be on the table when he came in from outside, and it was up to her to make sure that it was. He expected the house to be clean when he came in for the night after spending so much time out in the barn. He even expected her to tend to the laundry—including his own. Of course, he was kind enough to fill the washbasin for her—to heat the water she would need for the dishes as well as for the laundry, but she was still the one who had to do most of the work.
To make matters worse, Jack would leave her and go into town several times during the week. Whenever he was gone, she felt alone and exposed, and as though she was just a sitting target for anyone who was passing through. She had no way of knowing whether she was truly safe or not, knowing that anyone could ride right up to the house without a gate in front of the yard.
She wanted to talk about this with Jack, but the way he teased her already made her wonder if he would also just laugh at her about those things as well. After all, he already saw her as the rich girl who didn’t know how to handle much of what was thrown her way, and she didn’t want to make that image worse. She could see how he would swing his axe when he was splitting wood—how he fearlessly handled the horses when he hitched them to the wagon—and even how he handled his gun.
Everything he did, he did with the same self-assuredness. There wasn’t any doubt in her mind that he would be able to handle anything that came his way—something she could never say about her own father. Her father had always expected to be able to fix anything with money, and she had also adopted such thinking. It was clear to her that Jack didn’t have much money—but there was still a confidence about him she had never seen in anyone before in her life.
“You know, I never really did anything for Thanksgiving since I’ve come to the area, but with you, I thought we could make a turkey or something,” Jack said one evening. Jane looked at her with wide eyes, and in spite of herself, she couldn’t help but laugh. The more she laughed, the harder she laughed, and the harder it was for her to get a hold of herself once more.
When she finally stopped, she looked at Jack with an amused look on her face, but it faded when she realized that he was serious. Looking around the room, she couldn’t help but shake her head before meeting his eyes once more.
“Come on Jack, I don’t mean to be rude, but what do we have to be thankful for? I know this is all you have ever known, but I have to tell you, if you had come from what I came from, you would know how terrible of a situation this is. There really is nothing that could be worse than this!” She stabbed her potatoes with her fork a little too hard, and he sat back in his chair with an incredulous look on his face.
“What do you mean we have nothing to be thankful for? Why don’t you look around? There are so many things that you have to be thankful for. Have you seen the people wandering around on the streets with nowhere to go? Have you seen those with holes in their clothes and barely enough money to get just the bare necessities in the general store? I know you don’t like to go with me much, but you have to admit, you have seen those people, I know you have.” Jack hadn’t given her much time to reply in between what he was saying, and he did his best to be patient with her.
“Yes, I’ve seen them, and I can tell you that they have done nothing but make me want to go home even more. There is nothing good I can say when I see those people walking around on the streets!” She crossed her arms in front of her chest and gave him a defiant look. The look he gave her told her that he wasn’t impressed with her opinions, but he wasn’t going to argue with her.
“Well, all I can say is this, if you ever found yourself in a situation like that, then you found yourself back in the same situation you are in right now, you would know what it means to be thankful. I pray every day that you will never have to do that. After all, now that you are my bride, I plan to take care of you, but I don’t ever want to lose sight of being grateful.” Jack went back to his own dinner and ignored her.
Jane sat in silence for a moment, infuriated that he dared to stand up to her over such a thing. She knew deep down inside, there could be no way that he would be truly happy with the life that he lived—how could he be? He didn’t have any money, any fortune, and at any moment he could lose the little that he had. Ever since she arrived, the food had been all simple things—baked potatoes, grits, pancakes, vegetable soup. She didn’t dare try making fried chicken, though she knew even that would be a vast improvement over anything that they had had so far.
How could he possibly be thankful for a house like this? How dare he suggest that anything could compare to the life that she had lived? And most importantly, how dare he act like those poor people she saw on the street were anything compared to her?
She shook her head as she went back to her dinner. She couldn’t believe her husband, and she didn’t even bother trying to understand him. She knew she was right, and that’s all that mattered to her. He was simple, and his life would always be that way. She couldn’t blame him for that.
She could merely pity him.
Chapter 7
Although Jane kept finding differences between her and Jack, she was growing fond of him the more time she spent with him. He was funny, and he was kind. He could turn any situation humorous, and she found even when she was in a bad mood, he could still make her smile. She did her best not to act as appreciative over it as she felt, but the fact of the matter was, she had never had so much fun with anyone before.
She had noticed that her mother and father had never really laughed with each other. They were both so worried about the money that they had and the appearances that they kept, neither one of them really focused on having fun with each other. Even when she was around and they were out having fun, she couldn’t remember the last time she heard her parents laugh together.
But, she and Jack were laughing all the time. That is, as long as they didn’t talk about the things that she found annoying. She didn’t want to discuss the work she was doing around the house, and she didn’t want to talk about her life before moving to the West, and she certainly didn’t want to talk about the upcoming holiday.
Though she was enjoying the time that she was spending with her husband, she still didn’t find it in her heart to be thankful for what had happened. Thanksgivings of the past had been filled with lively food and company, fancy gowns and flirtation with potential suitors who could give her more wealth than she could ever imagine.
Although she was falling in love with the man she was married to, she couldn’t decide if that love could compare with the love she felt for her former lifestyle. She missed the balls. She missed everyone admiring her. She missed it when she could twirl into the room and have people want to dance with her. But, for as much as she missed such
things, she couldn’t bring herself to really talk about them with Jack—much.
The more they got to know each other—the more comfortable they grew with each other—the more he would ask her about the life she had lived. He wanted to know anything and everything about her, but he also respected her privacy. When she didn’t want to talk about anything further, he would stop asking, but he would always ask about it again another time.
With the days passing and Thanksgiving growing closer, he seemed to want to know more and more about what she used to do when she was a child.
“It’s just that you have told me more than once that the life you lived before was amazing. I think that the life I live now is pretty amazing, but then, I don’t know what you think is amazing.” Jack had told her. Though it was difficult, she had mentioned to him the dances she had gone to—the fancy meals they had had and even that she missed being admired.
She didn’t know how she could tell him how she felt without sounding like the spoiled rich girl she knew he thought she was, but she still wanted to be honest with him. She could see that he was grateful to her for sharing such things with him, and he respected that she didn’t want to talk about it very much. After she finally opened up and told him about some of her past, he didn’t try to convince her so much that she should be grateful for the life she was now living.
“I can imagine that it must have been really hard for you to leave those things behind. I just want you to be happy here.” He smiled at her, and though she returned the smile without too much trouble, she had a sad look in her eyes.
“I know you do, and I don’t want you to think that I’m not happy because of you. I wish that I was able to show you what it could be like—how happy we could be together. But, with all the struggles we face, I just don’t think we can be.” She was as gentle with him as she could be, wanting to convey to him that it wasn’t him that was the problem, it was the money.
“But, let me ask you this: Have you ever thought that you could be happy with your life without money? I mean, there are so many things in life to be thankful for, and they don’t cost a dime. I know you miss all those fancy things, but I can’t tell you how happy I am, and I don’t have those,” he said. Jane gave him a kind smile, though it was clear that there was more compassion and pity mixed in it than agreement.
“I know you feel that way, but trust me, you haven’t lived the life that I have lived. If you had experienced the kind of life that I had, then you had to come to something like this, you would know what I am talking about.” She smiled, and he chuckled, putting his arm around her shoulders. Jane never knew if he was agreeing with her when he did that, but it seemed whenever she said such things that he always changed the subject to something else.
Jane didn’t understand his happiness, and she desperately wished she could show him what she was talking about. It wasn’t that she thought he was wrong for believing the way he did, but she certainly didn’t agree with him—and she knew if he could only experience it for himself, he would certainly agree with her.
No one she had known in her former lifestyle could be happy living the way she now was. Money was far too important. Her mother had often told her she should feel sorry for those who were like Jack, as they didn’t know any better—but still, she couldn’t help but feel that he was genuine in his happiness. He truly didn’t seem to be bothered with the fact that he didn’t have a lot of money, nor did he seem to want to find a way to get more.
He was willing to share what he had with the world around him, and he was happy to go without doing what he wanted to do if she was happier for it. Though he had come to accept the fact he could never make her as happy as he wanted her to be, it did appear as though he was willing to settle for what he could do. Jane didn’t know what was wrong with her. She wanted to open up and be thrilled with the things he did for her, but she couldn’t help it.
The more she tried to be happy with the life she was living, the more painfully she was reminded of the things she had to let go of. There were no more servants to tend to her wants or needs. There were no more fun or fashionable things to go do, and there was no one around to plan or take care of the house or meals for her.
Although Jack thought it perfectly normal, she didn’t know if she could ever find herself having fun in conditions such as these. All she could see was more work and hardship after that. Anything she cleaned was just going to get dirty again, and no matter what she made for dinner—she would just have to cook again.
To make matters worse, the snow was falling and it was cold, making it harder for her to spend time outside. Jane was beginning to feel trapped in her new life, and though she did appreciate the things Jack was doing to make her happy, she wanted to tell him to stop.
As the end of her second week living in the house drew to a close, she found she enjoyed spending time with Jack in the evenings, but it was clear there was something that was bothering her. Although he already knew what it was, Jack decided to ask her about it anyway, seeing if there was anything he could do to make her happier with her living situation.
“This place just isn’t home to me,” she said when he asked her why she was once again sad. “It’s getting close to the holidays, and there is nothing here that is like home.”
He rose from his chair and put his hand over hers, giving her a kind smile and a kiss on top of the head. “I wish I could give you the life that you had, but I promise, I am going to give you the very best of the life that I have to give.”
She didn’t say anything, but simply rocked in her chair and watched the fire as he walked up the hall and into his bed. The sound of his door closing echoed through the house and she sighed.
But she couldn’t change how she felt.
Chapter 8
The next few days, Jane did her best to mask her depression as much as possible. It was clear to everyone she came into contact with that she was still upset about her situation, but she didn’t say anything else about it, and Jack was doing his best to distract her from her situation rather than continue to focus on it. Jane knew there was nothing she could do to change it, but she was going to do her best to make the most of it.
“Why don’t you come to town with me today?” Jack asked one morning, and Jane looked at him in surprise. He went to town a few times per week, but he often simply told her he was leaving without telling her where he was going or when he was going to be back. She was taken aback by the invitation, and didn’t know how to answer. “I think it would do you some good to get out of the house.”
“I don’t know. I mean, it’s cold out and I do have some things I could be doing around the house,” she replied. He chuckled.
“If there is one thing you are going to learn about life, it’s that there is always going to be more work to do. Come on, I would love it if you joined me.” He gave her a warm smile, and though Jane was still hesitant, she agreed. He was right, there would always be more work to do, and she could tend to the chores later. So, she grabbed her jacket and wrapped it over her shoulders, then walked out to the wagon.
They chatted as friends on their way into town, talking about the plans they had for the winter. More snow was falling, but Jack was confident that they were prepared.
“How do you know how much to do in the summer? I mean, you never know how bad the winter is going to be, so how do you know you aren’t going to run out of the supplies?” she asked. He looked at her with a smile.
“Well, a lot of it did come from experience, but there is a matter of luck to it too. I put away as much food and wood that I can, and the rest I sell. That way, I have enough supplies at home, but if something unexpected happens, I have money to help fill in the cracks, so to speak.” He winked at her, and she smiled.
“How do you know how much money you need? I mean, my father had more money than we knew what to do with, and we ran out,” she said. He shook his head.
“That’s just it. you never know how much you need, but I trust that
God is going to provide, and I do my part. It’s a balance, but it works out.” He slapped the reins, and the horses picked up the pace. Jane thought about what he said, but she didn’t say anything else on the subject. They road into town, and she decided to join him in the general store.
The shelves were lined with so many different things, but as soon as they walked inside the store, her eyes fell on a beautiful necklace. Her parents hadn’t let her keep any of her jewelry, insisting he was going to sell it all to help pay his own debts, so when she saw the necklace, she wanted it more than anything. But, she didn’t have money of her own, so Jack would have to purchase it for her.
“What do you think?” she asked as she looked at it. He looked at the jewelry, then he looked back at her with a sad smile.
“I think it is one of the most beautiful pieces of jewelry I have ever seen, and I would love nothing more than to get it for you. But, honey, I don’t have that kind of money right now,” he said as he looked at the price. Jane’s face fell visibly, and she fought the lump that formed in her throat. It was a painful reminder to her that she no longer had the money she once had, and it nearly made her cry.
“There has to be a way—you said yourself that we should have enough supplies in stock for the winter, what is going to happen?” she asked, but he shook his head.
“I can’t risk that. I want to get it for you, but you have to trust me on this. I want to take care of you more than anything.” He kissed her on the forehead, but she pulled away. She was doing her best to remain calm, but she could feel anger welling up in her chest. She forced a smile, but she could see by the look on his face that he knew she was angry, and it upset him.
“I’m going to wait in the wagon,” she said as she turned and walked out of the store. She climbed in the wagon and crossed her arms, feeling sorry for herself. There was an older gentleman with a blanket huddled on the steps of the mercantile, but he ignored her and she ignored him. He had been sitting there when they walked inside the general store to begin with, and he hadn’t moved far.
