by Mercy Levy
He was shaking and shivering with the cold, but Jane didn’t give him another glance. She was too busy thinking about how difficult it was for her to live in this town away from everything she knew and loved—away from her previous life.
Jack came out of the store with his packages in his arms, but he paused as he walked down the stairs and handed the man the one on top. The man looked up at him in surprise, and though Jane couldn’t hear what was said between them, she could see that he appeared very grateful. Jack smiled and walked over to the wagon, tossing his purchases in the back.
Jane was watching what was happening with the man on the steps. He opened the package and pulled out a jacket. The look on his face stated clearly how amazed and grateful he was, and he slipped his arms inside. Jack waived at him as he started the wagon, and Jane gave him a confused look.
“Who is that?” she asked. He shrugged.
“I’m not sure, just someone who looked cold,” he replied.
“He looked cold?” she said dryly.
“Yes, he did, but he looks better now,” Jack said in reply. The look he gave her told her to drop it, and she shook her head as she crossed her arms. He didn’t have the money to purchase her that necklace, but he had the money to purchase another man a jacket.
It wasn’t fair.
Chapter 9
Although Jane didn’t say anything about the necklace on the way home from the store, it was clear that there was tension between the two of them. He tried to speak with her a few times, but she was quick to close down the conversation or any attempts he made as soon as it happened. She didn’t want to discuss anything with him, and she certainly wasn’t in the mood to start a conversation herself.
She was used to getting her way in life. If there was something she wanted, she got it. Jane felt that she deserved to have that necklace. She had worked hard over the past few weeks, harder than she had worked in her entire life. She had done her best to fit in with the house, though there was no one to tell her how to cook or clean, and certainly no one to tell her thank you when she was done.
Jack was appreciative of what she was doing for him, but he viewed the two of them as a team—for all that she was doing in the house, he felt that he was doing just as much outside. There was no need for him to thank her for the things she took care of inside, just as there wasn’t any need for her to thank him for the things he was doing outside.
As far as he was concerned, the two of them worked together to make the household run smoothly—as they would when the spring came and it was time to prepare the ground for planting once more. He didn’t think it was necessary to keep telling her that he was grateful for that, as he thought she already knew she was appreciated.
But, Jane didn’t think about things the same way. She felt if he was grateful to her for the things that he was doing, he should prove it with a necklace. But he had been adamant about the money, and she hadn’t gotten her way. That would have been enough to upset Jane—as it very much had—but when she saw that he had then purchased the other man a coat, she was infuriated. She felt he cared more about others than he did about his own wife, and he would do anything to make them happy rather than her.
Little was said between them for the rest of that day, but it was clear something was going to happen. The next morning, Jane was showing how annoyed she was as she slapped the breakfast onto the plates and let them clatter on the table with a thud.
“Look, Jane, I know you are upset about that necklace, but I want you to know that I would get it for you if I could afford it. You are so beautiful, you deserve every necklace in that store, but I can’t just do that without any thought. We need to have money in case something bad happens,” he tried to explain. She gave him a condescending and amused look.
“But you had the money to buy that man a jacket!” she snapped. He looked at her with wide eyes, then shook his head.
“You can’t tell me that you are upset that I bought that poor old soul a jacket, when you were sitting in the wagon under your own. You felt how cold it was, and he had nothing!” He had an incredulous tone to his voice, and Jane felt even worse. She knew she was being selfish, but she wanted to prove a point, and she wasn’t about to back down.
“I am upset that you tell me one thing, then you go and do another! I am upset that I have to live in this tiny little building you call a home and never get to do anything fun. I’m upset because I didn’t sign up for this life, it was just thrust upon me, and I have to just act like everything is just perfect. Well, the fact of the matter is, I am not happy, I am upset!” Jane’s voice rose the more she spoke, to the point she was nearly yelling by the time she was done.
Jack was an incredibly patient person, but it was clear her words were cutting. The look on his face told her that she had upset him, and she did feel bad for it. He had been nothing but kind to her since the day she had arrived. He was respectful, he had given her the best of his house, and he had always done what he could to make sure she was happy. Deep down inside, she knew that it wasn’t about the necklace that she was upset—she was upset with the life she had been given to live.
She wanted to go home. She wanted to go back to the other life she had known, and she wanted to forget that there were people like that poor man sitting on the steps. The truth was that it had made her incredibly sad to see him like that, and when she saw that her husband was willing to spend some of his money when he didn’t have a lot to spare on such a person, she felt bad about herself.
She had never been that kind of person. She had always been the person to walk by and not give him another thought. She had been like her mother—thinking that poor people deserved to be poor, and she was the one who deserved to be rich. Now that she was living a life similar to that of the poor man she saw on the steps, she felt as though she had failed.
Jane wanted to believe that she was still as beautiful as before. She wanted to believe that it was okay for her to be happy like before, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She could only focus on the fact that she had wanted that necklace—a necklace that before she would have purchased, would have maybe worn once, and would have only worn again if she had gotten enough compliments on it.
She wouldn’t have worn it because she liked it, she would have worn it to make others jealous. It was the only life she had known, and now that she was married to a man who was quite the opposite, she didn’t know how to handle the feelings that were happening inside her. She was hurt and confused, and she wanted to feel happy once more, but she was scared to do that.
“Jane, you know I would give you the whole world if I could,” Jack’s voice broke into her thoughts, and she sighed. She had been so wrapped up with herself, she had nearly forgotten that he was standing there in front of her.
“I know you would, but that brings us to the one problem that is the source of all my problems now, doesn’t it?” she asked in a sardonic tone. She could see the hurt in his eyes, but she could no longer stay there and talk to him. She had told him how she felt, and she wasn’t proud of it. Now, she felt the need to get away. She couldn’t stand out in the kitchen with this kind man who literally would do anything for her when she was also simply focused on herself.
Without giving him the chance to reply, she walked slowly to her room and shut the door behind her, letting the deliberate click it made fill the emptiness of the house—and resonate in the emptiness of her heart.
Chapter 10
Jane opened her eyes slowly. She could tell by the dimness of the light that it was getting late in the afternoon, and she sighed. She hadn’t come out of her room again since the night before, leaving Jack to take care of himself for the day. She had fallen asleep, and the next morning, she hadn’t felt like getting out of bed.
She didn’t want lunch, and she didn’t want to clean the house again. Jane felt overwhelmed and tired, and she felt bad that she felt that way. She knew she didn’t have to, and it didn’t help that she knew that. She just wanted
her old life back and that was it. Jack was a kind man, but Jane felt that he deserved someone much better than herself.
Someone who was willing to live the life he had. Someone who didn’t require the lavish lifestyle she yearned for. Someone who was willing to go through the hardship with him. As much as she thought she could be that person, now that she was here in Oregon, she knew she couldn’t be. She was just like her mother—a person who needed to be taken care of.
As much as she hated to admit it, she knew that it was because of her mother that she had been sent away. When the money had grown too scarce, it was between her and her mother who was going to get to spend what little was left. Of course, that should have gone to her inheritance, but instead, they had chosen to send her away and take it for themselves.
She didn’t want to believe it. She didn’t want to think that it was possible for her parents to do that to her, but the facts were the facts, and here she was, without any help from them. There was a sudden knock on the door, and Jane rolled over on her side. Jack was one of the last people she wanted to see, but she knew she had to answer him. After leaving him standing in the kitchen like she did the afternoon before, of course he would be worried about her.
She had thought she had heard him knocking on the door earlier that day, but then she had pretended to be asleep. She couldn’t act like she was sleeping forever, and it would be better to address it sooner rather than later. When the knock came again, she sat up in bed.
“What is it?” she called. Jack opened the door and poked his head into the room.
“There she is! Get dressed, I have a surprise for you,” he said. She looked at him with incredulous eyes. He motioned for her to get out of bed, and repeated himself. “Put on your best dress, I have a surprise!”
She looked at him with a confused look on her face, but she threw the blanket off her lap. He smiled and closed the door, and Jane got dressed in her best gown. She pulled her hair back into a bun, and when she saw herself in the mirror, she briefly thought about how it felt. For an instant, she almost imagined she was back home.
The feeling was brief, however, when she turned around and saw the door to her bedroom. With a sigh, she walked over and paused, taking a deep breath before walking through. However, when she stepped out into the living room, she couldn’t believe her eyes.
“What’s all this?” she asked as she looked around.
“Oh, just something that I thought you might enjoy,” he said with a smile. She certainly did. The entire room had been transformed. He had cleared a large area in the middle of the room and started a fire, and there was fried chicken on plates on the table. He held his hand out to her as she walked into the room and smiled.
“My lady, can I have this dance?” he asked, and she placed her hand in his, clearly feeling confused. At once, he took off around the room. Though there was no music, she recognized the steps he was taking, and the two of them were twirling around the room as fast as could be. She closed her eyes as she moved with him, amazed at how well they could dance together.
It seemed that time had stopped, and for a brief moment, she felt that she was back home. When she closed her eyes, she could almost hear the music of the ball filling her ears, and smell the scent of all the perfume from other women. She could almost hear the chatter of the men and women who weren’t dancing, as well as the laughter and breathless dancing of those who were.
She could feel her heart beat with the excitement of it all, and the smell of the friend chicken on the table only made it feel all the more like home. There was nothing like Mrs. Pott’s fried chicken, and though she knew that wasn’t the same, she was carried away in the moment. By the time they stopped dancing, she took a step back with her chest heaving.
“Would the lady of the ball care for some dinner?” Jack asked, and she smiled as the two of them walked over to the table and sat down. He poured her a glass of water, and settled into the seat next to hers. “It was a little difficult to get lemons this time of the year, but I thought you would be happy with the chicken.”
“I’m amazed that you were able to do all this without me knowing! What gave you the idea?” She looked around the room and shook her head, amazed at how much he had changed it for her.
“I just wanted to give you a ball. You’ve been through a lot the past month and a half, and I wanted to help you feel a little bit more like you were at home. I really am sorry about all you have had to go through, and I will do what I can to make you feel special here. If you want a ball then, my Lady, you shall have a ball.” Jack smiled at her as he explained, clearly pleased that she was happy with him.
“This is beyond anything that I ever thought you could do. I never thought I would get to go to a ball again!” She laughed as she looked at the dinner, then she smiled. “You even made fried chicken!”
“I don’t know if I’m too good of a cook, but I did my best,” he picked up the chicken and took a bite, but when she took a bite of hers, it was clear he was concerned that it was going to be good. She put the chicken back down on the plate and smiled back at him, clearly happy with the results.
“Thank you,” she said as she reached over and put her hand over his. “You really didn’t have to do all this. I just—I never thought I was going to see any of this again, and it reminds me of home.”
He put his other hand over hers, sandwiching her palms between his. “I told you that I would give you the world if I could, and I wish I could do even more than this, but I’m glad that I was able to make you smile.”
He leaned forward, and for a brief moment, their lips nearly met. But, at the last second, Jane pulled back. She didn’t know what changed her mind, but she suddenly felt something inside her that she had never experienced before. It was like the feeling she had been feeling toward him, but this was far deeper. This was more than just an attraction. This was a vulnerability, and she didn’t know what to do with it.
Jack leaned back in his chair and smiled, disappointed but okay with what she had done. He rose from the chair and offered his hand once more. “Shall we?”
They danced long into the evening, until Jane felt that she couldn’t dance anymore. When she crawled into bed, she was exhausted, but for the first time in a long time, happier than she had been in as long as she could remember.
Chapter 11
After Jack had thrown her her very own ball, Jane did what she could to cheer up. She knew it had to be rather difficult to live with her the way she had been since arriving, and she wanted to prove to Jack that he did make her happy. But, even with her newfound resolution, she found it difficult to be as happy as she wanted to be.
The ball had been the boost she needed to break out of her disappointment over the necklace, but she was still battling a depression. She was grateful to Jack for making such a kind gesture toward her, but at the same time, it reminded her that she was living a life in which such things weren’t commonplace for her any longer. In fact, the ball that they had enjoyed was nothing like what she had had when she was growing up.
It was a kind gesture, but it only made her feel more homesick. Of course, she knew she didn’t have the same home to go back to. She could imagine that her parents were living the same lives they had been living when she left, but she knew they were not. In fact, it was unlikely they would even still be in the same house or even in Vermont. They had mentioned that they were going to be moving on themselves, but she didn’t know when or where they were going.
Jack had seemed pleased with himself after making her happy with the ball, but he didn’t make any mention of doing anything else again in the near future. Of course, she knew that he would do his best to make her happy as he had been doing, but at the same time, she wasn’t foolish. She knew that the chicken would have cost him money to get, as well as the decorations he had used to decorate the room.
Perhaps he had felt bad about what she said with the necklace, and he had been doing his best to make it up to her. Perhaps it had no
thing to do with the necklace and he felt badly when she told him that she missed the life she had been living, and she wanted to have some of that back. Either way, she knew that the kindness he had shown her did cost him money, and he didn’t have enough money to do it again soon.
Although she was doing her best to be grateful—something she had never truly been before—she found it difficult because she was sad that it wasn’t going to last for long. She knew that she would soon be feeling the way she was now, wanting to have the life she could no longer have. She knew it was no fault of Jack’s but at the same time, she didn’t feel it was really her fault either.
She had been raised to live her life in the most luxurious way possible, and she wasn’t able to just let go of that without missing it. Every night she had dreams of going back to her old way of living, and every morning she woke feeling sad that it wasn’t going to happen. It was as though that entire life had vanished, and she was just left to dream about it as a long-lost hope that she would never have again.
Jane did her best to be happier when Jack was around. She didn’t want him to think that she was ungrateful to him for what he had done for her, but at the same time, she couldn’t hide how she was genuinely feeling for long. She knew he was hoping for some kind of Thanksgiving Day with him, but she honestly didn’t want to celebrate.
She tried to learn how to be grateful, but in the past, she really hadn’t spent much time being that way. She had lived life selfishly, and though she now saw that and didn’t like it about herself, she wasn’t sure how to change it. Her feelings didn’t seem like something she could simply change, even if she really wanted to. She told herself she thought or felt a certain way, but when she was alone and with her thoughts, she felt sorry for herself.
