Tailspin

by Karen D. Badger

  Cat's emerald green eyes were wide and full of fear as she clutched the gown tightly in front of her. She nodded, unable to speak for fear of breaking down into tears again.

  "Billie," Dr. O'Brien said. "You can wait across the hall. You're not allowed to be in here while X-rays are being taken. After the films are done, you and Cat can go home. I'll call when we know something."

  Billie nodded, unable to speak. She approached Cat and took her into her arms. "It will be okay, Cat. I promise." She placed a kiss on Cat's head and left the room.

  Billie paced back and forth across the waiting room, unable to sit for more than a few seconds at a time. Fear tore at her heart...fear that she actually might lose Cat. She brought her hands up in front of her and clasped them together as she walked. Please don't take her away from us. The kids need her. I need her. I can't live without her. God, please spare her. Billie prayed and wore a path across the rug, tears blurring her vision.

  Moments later, a very emotionally fragile and vulnerable Cat was led to the waiting room by the X-ray technician.

  "She did great," the woman told Billie. "She was able to take full compression." To Cat, she added, "Caitlain, I'll need you to sit for a moment while I develop the film to determine if we need to take any more slides. Okay?"

  Cat clutched the robe in front of her and nodded. As soon as the technician was gone, Cat fell into Billie's arms.

  Billie held Cat close, laying her head on top of Cat's. Neither was able to speak as they stood there together, sharing their love as well as their fear.

  A few moments later, the technician poked her head back into the room. "We're all set. The doc should be here in the next day or two to read the films. We'll call you with the results as soon as we get them…good or bad. Unless you have questions, you can go ahead and get dressed," she said.

  ***

  Cat leaned against the passenger door in silence all the way home. After several attempts to get her to speak, Billie finally gave up and assumed she needed to sort out the chaos that their lives had become.

  By the time they had reached home, it was nearly four o'clock. Cat walked directly through the living room to the second-story staircase. She climbed it quickly and ran to their bedroom where she threw herself across the bed and began to sob violently. Billie followed close behind.

  Cat's sobs were heard throughout the upper floor of their home, drawing Tara and Skylar out of Sky's bedroom where the girls were listening to music and reading.

  "Mom?" Tara stood at their closed bedroom door. "Mom, is everything all right?" Tara clearly expected the answer to be no, based on the sounds coming from behind the door. After a few moments with no response, she tried another approach. "Mom, you're scaring Skylar," she added.

  "Tara, Mama isn't feeling well," Billie replied shakily. "I'll be out soon to fix dinner for you and Sky. Okay, honey?"

  Tara narrowed her eyes at the response. She didn't believe Billie for a moment.

  "Tara, what's wrong with Mama?" Skylar asked in her little-girl voice.

  Tara turned to look at her sister. "I don't know, Sky, but I think I know how to find out."

  ***

  Tara paced back and forth across the kitchen until she heard footsteps on the porch. She went to the back door and opened it wide to admit Jen.

  "Where are they?" Jen asked.

  "In their room."

  Tara's response sent Jen on a mad dash for the stairs.

  Jen reached the end of the hall and knocked loudly on the bedroom door. "Billie? Billie, its Jen. I'm coming in." She grabbed the handle and pushed the door open. Cat was sitting on the bed, her face puffy and ravaged with tears. Billie sat beside her. Her body was slumped over in a defeated posture and her hands were clasped tightly in front of her. Fear radiated from both women.

  Jen turned to close the door and saw Tara and Skylar, who stood worriedly in the hall. She smiled at them to dispel their fears and then pushed the door closed. She turned to face her friends. "Out with it," Jen demanded.

  Billie looked at Jen and started to cry. She had been trying so hard to stay strong for Cat, but Jen managed to break through her defenses with just a glance.

  Jen sat between them and threw her arms around them both. Both women leaned in toward her and allowed themselves to be held. "Talk to me," Jen said hoarsely.

  Billie sat up and wiped her face. She took Jen's hand and said very shakily, "Cat had a physical today. They found a lump in her breast."

  Jen's eyes flew open wide and her stomach nearly rebelled at the news. She wrapped both arms around Cat and held her close. "Sweetie, it will be all right. I'm here for you, okay? If you need anything...anything at all, I'm here. I will always be here for you both." Jen reached one hand out to Billie, who grasped it thankfully.

  The trio sat there for long moments, and tried hard to regain control over their emotions. Finally, Cat sat erect and wiped her face dry. "I have to feed the kids," she said. "They're probably starved."

  "Actually, they're scared. Tara is the one who called me. Have you told them?" Jen asked.

  Both women shook their heads. "We came straight to this room from the doctor's," Billie said. "We need to figure out how to tell them. I don't want to scare them unnecessarily. After all, we don't really know how bad it is yet," she added.

  Jen nodded. "You're right. It might turn out to be nothing. Pretty scary stuff nonetheless," she replied. "Look, I'll take the girls home with me. They can have dinner with us, and maybe even spend the night. Okay?" she suggested.

  Billie smiled. "You're a good friend, Jen. We love you. You know that, don't you?"

  "Yeah, I know," Jen replied. "Right back at 'cha." She stood and leaned in to kiss them both. "Don't lose hope, my friend. We're gonna make it through this. You got that?" she said sternly. "I won't accept anything less."

  Cat's eyes filled with tears once more at her friend's tone. "Okay," she said softly.

  "I'll give you a call later tonight. Get some sleep. It looks like you can use some," she suggested, noting the dark circles under Cat's eyes.

  "Thanks, Jen," Billie said.

  Jen just nodded and quietly slipped out, closing the door behind her.

  Billie slipped to her knees on the floor in front of Cat and pulled off Cat's shoes and socks. Next, she loosened the waist of Cat's jeans and pulled them off as well, followed by her shirt and bra. After slipping a soft nightshirt over Cat's head, she pulled down the bedcovers and tucked her in. Moments later, dressed in her own nightshirt, Billie crawled in beside her and gathered Cat into her arms. She held Cat close until she relaxed and fell into a much needed deep sleep. Sleep for her own weary soul was a long time in coming as she lay there for several more hours, dreading a future without the woman she loved.

  ***

  "Sweetheart, it will be all right. Relax and sleep. Things will look better in the morning."

  "It breaks my heart. I can't bear to lose her. What if she dies? Life wouldn't be the same without her. My God, the poor children. What will they do without their mother?"

  "Jen, you need to calm down. This is not good for the baby," Fred warned.

  "I know," Jen replied, "but I can't get Cat out of my mind. She's so young. Fred, if I lost you, I would want to die too. I can only imagine how Billie feels."

  "She's not gone yet, Jen. We have to keep hope alive for her. She can beat this. I know she can."

  Jen nodded. "I hope you're right, Fred. I hope to God you're right."

  CHAPTER 14

  Billie shut off the alarm and then rolled over to give Cat a ritual hug, only to find her side of the bed empty. She sat up quickly and looked around the room. "Cat?" she called out.

  Cat poked her head out of the bathroom. "Yeah?" she asked, comb poised above her head.

  Billie frowned. "What are you doing up so early?" she asked. "That's not like you."

  "I couldn't sleep."

  Billie climbed out of bed and approached Cat. She rubbed Cat's arm and looked at her c
losely. Cat appeared to be indifferent, detached. "Sweetheart, are you all right?"

  Cat stared straight ahead and nodded her head slightly in response to Billie's question.

  "Cat, I think you should stay home today. You're not in any condition to assist in surgery."

  Cat snapped out of her trance and looked at Billie. "I'm fine." She brushed past Billie on her way out of the bathroom.

  Billie moved to intercept her. "No, you're not. If you go to work like this, they'll just send you home. You need to take the day off. I'll reschedule today's appointments and stay home with you," Billie urged.

  Cat walked a few feet away and then turned around to face Billie. "I can't stay home, Billie. I spent the entire night tossing and turning with thoughts of dying running through my mind...thoughts of leaving you alone to raise the kids. I had too much time to think. I need to stay busy. I need to keep my mind occupied. I need to think of anything but this disease growing inside of me," she exploded, hands raised into the air.

  "You're not dying, Cat. I won't let you," Billie said softly.

  Cat rushed forward and stopped within inches of Billie's nose. "Well here's a news flash for you, Billie, you may not be able to stop it. I have seen people die of cancer. I have seen people's hopes dashed after years of remission. I have seen the agony each and every family member goes through as they watch their loved one waste away to nothing. You may not be able to stop it. Don't you understand that?" she shouted.

  Billie grabbed Cat by both arms and pushed her up against the wall. "I will not give up on you, Cat. Don't you dare dig your grave before we've had a chance to fight this. We need you. We love you. We won't let you go without a fight. Do you understand that?" she shouted back.

  Cat's eyes filled with tears at each word that left Billie's mouth.

  Billie suddenly realized she had been rougher with Cat than she intended. She released her hold on Cat and sunk to her knees on the floor. She lowered he face into her hands and began to cry.

  Cat looked down upon a normally strong Billie, so raw and vulnerable at her feet. Her anger and fear eased and she slid down the wall and landed on her own knees in front of Billie. She wrapped her arms around her and laid her head on top of Billie's. "Yes, my love, I understand."

  ***

  Not too long after Seth left for work, Billie talked Cat into returning to bed while she called the hospital to inform them that Cat would not be in for the rest of the week. She retreated to the kitchen so as to be out of earshot of Cat and then called Doc the break the news to him.

  At first, there was silence at the other end of the line.

  "Doc?" Billie said softly into the phone.

  "I'm here." His voice cracked with emotion. "Ummm... you said she's had a mammogram?" he asked.

  "Yes. It was done yesterday. We expect the results in a day or two," Billie replied.

  "I see. Did Patty give you any indication of what it might be?" he asked.

  "Not really. The lump wasn't there two weeks ago, so she said it might be a cyst, or..." Billie began.

  "Or a fast growing tumor," Doc finished for her.

  "Yes. We won't know for sure until the mammograms are read."

  Billie could hear Doc take a deep breath at the other end of the line. "Well," he said. "I have seen numerous tumors turn out to be benign. As far as I know, there is no breast cancer in the family, which is a statistic that holds favorable for Cat. I'm not going to tell Ida until we know more. I don't want to upset her unnecessarily," he informed his daughter-in-law.

  "We feel the same way about the kids, Doc. We've decided not to say anything to them until the results are in," Billie agreed.

  "You said she has an appointment with a counselor tomorrow?" Doc asked.

  "Wow! I almost forgot about that. Yes, she does. Maybe it will help if she talks it out with someone who isn't personally involved," Billie said hopefully.

  "You may be right. Encourage her to go. She may refuse, but encourage her anyway," Doc urged.

  "I will," Billie replied.

  "All right then. I want to know the results as soon as you get them. In fact, I may put out a few feelers of my own. I'll let you know if I learn something before you do. Take care of my kitten, Billie," Doc said. "Bye."

  "Goodbye Dad. We love you," Billie replied, her voice heavy with emotion.

  "I love you too, daughter."

  Billie hung up the phone and sat for long moments staring at the floor and fighting back her fears. She hoped she was overreacting. All they had was a lump. They had no real results yet from the mammogram. They had no clinical test results. It was just a lump. It suddenly amazed her how something the size of a pea had thrown their lives into such chaos. Cat was right. It did feel like their lives were in a tailspin. Billie took a deep breath, rubbed her face hard with both hands, and determined to keep her mind productive until they had the test results.

  Billie resolved to place her focus elsewhere while they waited for the mammogram results, so she forced herself to deal with the problematic court case she was currently working on. Her whole case had been thrown into chaos the day before when Gary Crawford walked into the courtroom after a seven-year absence. She picked up the phone and dialed Jimmy in criminal law.

  Jimmy was a genius. An older gentleman who had been with the law firm for years, his specialty was finding things... people, facts, leads. He had helped her locate Tara's adoptive parent…Cat's partner at the time, when she was looking for her consent to adopt the girl. How Jimmy found the woman was a mystery to her. As much as Jimmy complained about 'new fangled technology', he was a master of the Internet and managed to harness its powers to further enhance his investigative skills. Jimmy always came through for Billie, and she had no doubt he could help her out now.

  "Criminal Justice, James P. Buchanan, speaking," Jimmy said, using his formal name.

  "Hey, Jimmy," Billie said.

  "No, no, don't tell me," Jimmy replied. "Six foot, long legs, silky black hair, piercing blue eyes. Am I right?" he teased.

  "Damn, you're good!" Billie said, humoring the older gentleman.

  "What can I do for you, Billie?" Jimmy asked.

  "Well, I've got a tough one for you this time," Billie began.

  "Good, I love a challenge," Jimmy interjected.

  "Okay then. Gary Crawford, age 25, disappeared seven years ago. He was the captain of the football team at the local high school. Graduated in 1993. His picture should be in the yearbook. Married right out of high school. His wife was named Julie. One daughter, Kaleigh, who was four months old when he disappeared. Parents, Irene and Howard Crawford," Billie said.

  "Got it. So, why are you looking for this guy?" Jimmy asked.

  "Actually, I'm not looking for him. He showed up suddenly as a witness for the prosecution in court yesterday. He deserted his wife and daughter and now that the child is up for adoption by the mother's partner, he suddenly surfaces. What I need to know is where he's been for the past seven years, what he's been doing, how he's been living, and why he's suddenly made an appearance. Is that possible?" she asked.

  "Well, let me have a crack at it and I'll let you know. When do you need the information?" he asked.

  "Court convenes next Wednesday, but it would be nice to have the information by Monday so I have time to build a case around it," Billie replied.

  "Okey Dokey, Billie. I'll give it a go and get back to you as soon as I know something," he quipped.

  "Thanks Jimmy. I owe you…again!" Billie exclaimed.

  Billie heard an audible click as Jimmy hung up the phone.

  Billie put her cell phone on the table and picked up the teapot from the stove to fill it.

  Billie's attention was drawn to the kitchen door. "Hey there!" Jen said, who as usual, let herself into the house.

  "'Morning, Jen. Care for some tea?" Billie asked as she finished filling the teapot and held it up in front of her.

  "Sure, as long as it's decaf," Jen replied, patting her stomach.
<
br />   Billie placed the teapot on the stove and turned the burner on beneath it. "I think we have decaffeinated tea," she mumbled as she searched the pantry. "Ah, here it is."

  Jen retrieved two mugs from the cupboard and joined Billie in front of the stove where she was watching the teapot.

  "A watched pot never boils," Jen quipped, grinning.

  Billie stuck her tongue out at her friend.

  "Where's Cat?" Jen asked.

  "In bed," Billie replied. "She was bound and determined to go to work this morning, but she was acting like such a zombie, that I convinced her to stay home," she explained. "She didn't get a lot of sleep last night."

  Billie placed a tea bag in each mug and filled them with hot water. She handed one mug to Jen and the two ladies sat down at the table.

  "I can understand why she might be having trouble sleeping," Jen remarked. "She's dealing with some pretty heavy stuff."

  Billie sipped her tea then placed it on the table, cupping the mug between her hands, and stared into the amber colored liquid. Without saying a word, she acknowledged Jen's comment with a nod.

  "So, when do you expect the results?" Jen asked.

  "Hopefully by tomorrow," Billie replied.

  Jen rubbed Billie's back. "It'll be all right, Billie. I just know it," she said softly.

  Billie looked at her friend. "I hope so." Then, suddenly she remembered that Jen had kept her daughters over night. "How were the girls last night?"

  "They were great. They always are when they spend the night," Jen replied. "They were chowing down on pancakes and sausage when I left to come over here."

  Billie smiled and once again fell silent and stared into her teacup.