Seeing how vulnerable Cat was, Billie decided not to pursue the line of questioning. Instead, she looked intently at her wife. She took in the choppy appearance of her once flowing hair. Feelings of intense regret filled her heart as she chided herself for taking the extra time to speak with Jimmy instead of heading straight home. She quite possibly could have arriving in time to prevent what Cat had done to herself.
Cat pulled away when Billie reached to touch her hair, her own regret flowing freely from her eyes.
"Baby, I'm going to call the counselor to cancel and reschedule your appointment, then ask Marge to come over to fix this," she said, referring their friend, and Art's wife, who was a hairdresser.
Cat nodded slightly, but continued to stare down at the carpet.
Billie retrieved the shears from the bathroom floor and took them with her down into the living room where she made her calls without Cat overhearing. When she returned to the bedroom, Cat was lying on her side, still awake and staring at the wall.
Billie sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed Cat's arm. "Marge is on her way, love. She'll be here soon, and your appointment has been rescheduled to Monday afternoon."
Once again, Cat nodded, and then in a tiny voice, she added, "I don't want to die, Billie."
Billie took a deep breath and held back her emotions. "I won't let you die, Cat. I need you too much to let that happen," she said. She fell to her knees, and placed her cheek against Cat's. "Sweetheart, you were so strong when Skylar was sick. You never gave up hope. We need you to be strong now. Please don't give up," she pleaded.
"I was able to help Skylar," Cat whispered hoarsely, "I can't do a damn thing to help myself."
Billie lifted her head and placed a kiss on Cat's cheek. "That's not true, love. I've heard you say that fifty percent of any cure is attitude and willpower. You're a doctor, Cat. You know there is always hope. Your babies need you. I need you. Don't give up. Please fight."
Cat nodded and closed her eyes, squeezing tears out from between her lids.
Billie stood and looked down on her wife. "Rest a while. Marge will be here soon," she said as she returned to the bathroom to collect the golden strands that had fallen victim to fear.
***
Billie walked in a circle around Cat. "I like it! It will take some getting used to, but I like it. You outdid yourself, Marge."
Cat subconsciously touched her now short pixie-cut hair, feeling sick at heart for what she had done to herself. Her gaze met Billie's as she looked to verify the words that were coming from her wife's mouth. Cat was always able to tell when Billie was being sincere just by looking into her eyes. What she saw there brought relief to her fears. "Really?" she asked.
"Really," Billie replied. "In fact, it looks kind of sexy," she added, growling.
"Stop it!" Cat blushed in front of their friend.
Billie pulled Cat to her feet. "Come on. Let's take a look at it." She led Cat to the bathroom, followed closely by Marge.
Cat stepped in front of the mirror and gasped. "I look like a little girl!" she exclaimed. She was unable to keep a small grin from forming in the corner of her mouth.
Billie stood behind Cat and noticed that despite herself, Cat liked the cut. "I think she likes it," she said to their friend. "You're a miracle worker, Marge. We can't thank you enough."
"My pleasure," the dark-skinned woman replied. She hugged Cat. "You look beautiful, my friend."
Cat leaned her newly shorn head against Marge's. "Thanks, Marge. I owe you," she exclaimed.
"The only thing you owe me is a promise that you'll fight this thing, and to keep your chin up. Okay?" Marge declared.
She looked at herself once more and then addressed Marge's reflection in the mirror. "One more thing," she said.
"What's that?" Marge asked.
"Promise me it will look this good when it grows back in, just in case chemo ends up sending me to Kojak's barber at some point along the way." Cat tried her best to distill the tension her question raised by grinning ear to ear.
"I promise," Marge replied. "After all, I work miracles, remember?"
***
"Cool! A cookout," Tara exclaimed as she entered the back yard, followed by Karissa and Kelly.
Billie looked over from where she was smoothing out the tablecloth on the picnic table. "Hey sweetie, I'm glad you're home. Could you run across the street to collect your sister from Missy's? Dinner should be ready in about a half-hour," she called out.
"Sure, Mom," Tara reversed her direction and led her entourage back down the driveway.
Moments later, Jen made an appearance. "Hi, neighbor. Was that my daughter I just saw crossing the street?" she asked as she deposited her salad and three bags of chips on the picnic table.
"Sure was. I sent them to fetch Skylar. How are you feeling?" Billie asked as she hugged her friend.
"A little tired, but other than that, okay, I guess," Jen replied. "Fred will be along in a few minutes. He's gone after ice for the cooler. So, how's Cat?" she asked.
"Cat is fine," came the reply from behind the two women.
Jen turned around sharply at the sound of Cat's voice. "Holy shit!" she replied loudly. "Wow! Cat, I love it!" she exclaimed loudly as she noticed her friend's new hairstyle. She held her at arms' length to admire the cut. "Whatever possessed you to do it?"
Cat's hand automatically went to her newly shortened locks. "Possessed is a good way to put it," Cat replied lightly.
The sound of a car door drew their attention to the driveway.
"That will be Fred," Jen remarked, still not able to take her eyes from her friend.
"Hidey-ho Neighbors," Fred called out in his best 'Mr. Rogers' voice as he crossed the back yard lugging a cooler full of ice and soft drinks.
Jen furrowed her brow as she responded to Fred's greeting. "Fred, you are such a nerd some times."
"Yeah, but you love me anyway," Fred replied. He put the cooler down at the end of the table.
Jen stood on tiptoe to kiss her husband. "Honey, I'd like you to meet our new neighbor, Cat Charland," she said. She pulled Cat from behind Billie, where she was hiding, hoping to surprise Fred with her new look.
Fred's eyes nearly popped out of his head. Whistling loudly, he replied, "Oh, baby! Wow, what a knockout!"
"I'll knock you out if you don't put those eyes back into their sockets," Jen said jokingly. She punched him on the arm as Cat blushed under the praise and Billie puffed with pride.
Amidst the commotion, the adults didn't hear the kids arrive home.
"Mama?" Tara asked incredulously. "Is that you?"
Cat turned sharply to see a look of suspicion on Tara's face
"Hi, sweetie," Cat replied.
"Mom! What did you do to your hair?" Tara exclaimed.
Cat frowned and said the obvious. "I cut it," she said. "Don't you like it?" she added.
"Ah, sure...but why?" the girl asked.
"I guess I needed a fresh start," Cat replied. "It feels good. I kind of like it."
"Mama, can Missy eat with...us?" Skylar shouted as she ran across the yard, followed closely by her friend Missy. The little girl stopped in her tracks as she spotted her newly coiffured mother.
"Hey, rugrat." Cat dropped to one knee to greet her youngest daughter.
Realizing this woman was indeed her mother; Skylar continued across the yard and hugged Cat tightly. "Mama, you cut your hair!" she exclaimed.
"Yes I did. Do you like it?" Cat asked.
Skylar nodded vigorously before remembering her mission. "Can Missy eat dinner with us?' the little one asked.
"Sure," Cat replied.
"Cool!" shouted Skylar as she hugged her friend, and totally forgot about her mother's new look.
Cat noticed that Tara, Karissa and Kelly were still looking at her oddly. "Tara, why don't you ask Kelly to stay for dinner too?"
"Sure Mom, sure," Tara replied. She walked away, shaking her head. "Come on, Kel, let's go call your mom."
/> Suddenly, the sound of a very loud wolf whistle came from across the yard.
"Yo, Mama! What a fox," Seth shouted as he spotted his mother. He crossed the yard quickly and scooped her up into his arms. "Cool cut. If you weren't my Mom, I'd ask you for a date," he joked.
"Well, if I wasn't your Mom, I might accept," replied Cat jovially. "I'm glad you made it home on time for dinner, Scout," she added.
"Is Stevie with you?" Jen asked.
"He's gone home to take a quick shower. In fact, I need to do the same. We've been playing basketball with the guys for the past two hours."
"Well, that went over pretty easily," Billie remarked as she watched Seth walk toward the house. "None of them seemed too upset by your sudden change."
"All except Tara." Cat glanced absent-mindedly at the house.
"So, wanna tell me the truth about why you cut it?" Jen said pointedly as Billie and Fred went off to warm up the grill.
Cat looked at Jen and threw her arms into the air. "How do you do it? How do you know when I'm not being totally honest with you?" she asked.
"Well, my friend," Jen said, throwing her arm around Cat's shoulder and drawing her in for a quick hug. "You see, I think we are sisters from different mothers. We have a connection...a bond. Know what I mean?" she asked.
"All I know, is I feel guilty as hell keeping things from you," Cat replied.
Jen threw her head back and laughed. "Works for me," she exclaimed. "Now spill it."
Cat locked arms with her friend and led her toward the house. "Why don't you help me carry the salads out and I'll tell you all about how I was possessed by Edward Scissor-hands."
***
"So, what you're saying is the mammogram is inconclusive...that it still might be something to be concerned about," Jen parroted back to her friend.
Cat placed the salad on the picnic table. "Exactly." She wrapped her arms around herself. "I'm really scared, Jen. I mean, what if it's cancer?" she asked.
Jen took Cat by the shoulders. "If its cancer, then we'll deal with it. You're a doctor Cat. You must know there are all kinds of advancements in medicine today that make cancer more curable," she said.
"I also know there are some types of cancer that can't be cured. I've seen so many people suffer and die from the disease. What it does to their families is heartbreaking," Cat explained. "Jen, my emotions are in such turmoil over this. I'm angry at becoming a victim. I'm terrified that I may die before I see my children grown. I'm scared to death about what it will do to Billie if I die."
"C'mere, you," Jen said as she embraced Cat. "It will be okay, Cat. I can feel it."
Suddenly, a bolt of pain pierced Jen's side as she released Cat and grabbed the edge of the table in one swift movement.
Cat immediately knew her friend was in trouble. "Jen? Jen! Honey, are you all right?" she asked.
The tone of Cat's voice drew Fred's stood by the picnic table. "Jen, sweetheart, sit down," he urged as she slowly lowered herself to the bench. While Fred assisted his wife, Cat sprinted into the house to retrieve her medical bag.
After several deep breaths, Jen's face, and her death grip on the edge of the table finally relaxed as the pain subsided. Billie's face was ashen with fear for her friend.
"Jen, are you all right?" Billie asked as Cat rejoined them.
Cat pulled her blood pressure cuff and stethoscope from her bag. "Left arm," she demanded. She wrapped the cuff around Jen's arm, pumped it up and slowly released the pressure as she read the valve. "180 over 110," Cat announced as she removed the cuff from her friend's arm. "You'd better get your ass to the doctors, ASAP!" she ordered.
"Cat, I'm fine." Jen tried to make light of the situation. "Look, the pain is gone. I feel fine," she repeated.
Cat looked at Fred. "She needs to see her doctor, Fred."
Fred looked at Jen and opened his mouth to lend support to Cat's orders.
"Don't even say it, Fred," Jen interrupted before he could speak. "Cat, I have an appointment on Monday. I'm feeling fine now. If it happens again before then, I promise I'll go to the emergency room. Okay?"
Cat narrowed her eyes at Jen. She came nose to nose with her friend. "Obviously I can't force you to go Jen, but for your own sake, and the sake of this unborn child, I'm going to hold you to that promise. Don't you dare do anything to put your life at risk. I need you here. Do you understand that?" she asked, quite seriously.
Jen nodded and whispered, "I promise."
CHAPTER 16
Saturday morning found Cat sitting at the kitchen table with her hands wrapped around her coffee cup. She stared blindly ahead. It was unusual for her to rise before Billie, but this morning she had awakened with the dawn, unable to sleep. Her mind raced with thoughts of the detours life had placed in her path.
Cat tried to look at her situation without emotion clouding her mind. She had to be pragmatic and practical. She had to plan for her family's future, even if she wasn't in it.
Financial issues were not a concern. Billie made an exceptional amount of money as a partner in her law firm. The children would be well provided for. There would be adequate money for college. They would never want for anything.
Of utmost importance to Cat was not that her children would be well taken care of, but that they'd be happy. They were at such tender points in their lives. Seth was on the verge of becoming a man. He needed guidance, understanding and patience. Tara struggled with her identity and coming into her own maturity at an alarming rate. And Skylar...well, Skylar would forever be her baby. She craved the attention she received from both her mothers. Billie would have a difficult role to fill for both of them.
Cat agonized over what it would mean to the children if she were no longer with them. She thought about how she would feel if she had lost her own mother at such a tender age. Such thoughts led her to how Billie surely had felt when she discovered the people who raised her were not her biological parents. Deep feelings of lost and despair filled her heart as she realized for the first time how Billie must have felt.
Cat inhaled deeply. She closed her eyes and allowed waves of fear and anger to rush over her. Should they tell the children? Billie had urged her not to until they had conclusive information. Cat guessed Billie was right. There was no need to unnecessarily alarm them until they knew what they were dealing with. Doc knew, but thought it best not to tell Cat's mother. Cat wished her mother knew. She needed the comfort of maternal arms at a time like this. Cat felt so isolated and so alone in her confusion. Thank God I have Billie and Jen to confide in.
As these thoughts fleeted through her mind, she felt warm hands slide down the length of her arms and envelope her own hands that were still wrapped around her coffee cup. Eyes still closed, she savored the feel of the body pressed against her back as moist breath tickled her neck. She felt safe and surrounded in love.
"Good morning, my love. You're up early." The sultry purr came from behind her as warm lips delicately touched her cheek.
"Hmmm. Good morning." She tilted her head back to complete the closeness. "I couldn't sleep."
"Are you all right?" Billie asked.
Cat opened her eyes and looked at the coffee cup now surrounded by four hands. She nodded silently and released the cup from their grasps. She picked the cup up and handed it to Billie. "How about a refill?"
Billie took the cup without reply and carried it to the counter to retrieve a cup for herself while she refilled Cat's. She returned to the table and sat on the side of the table opposite Cat. Billie slid the now full cup toward her. "Here you go love."
"Thanks, sweetie," Cat said.
Billie looked intently at Cat. Even with sleep-stained features, the woman was beautiful. Billie smiled as her eyes took in every detail of Cat's appearance.
Cat met Billie's eyes. "What are you smiling about?" she asked softly.
Billie's smile broke into a full grin. "This smile is my inability to hold the love inside," she responded. "Cat, you are so beautiful, right dow
n to the sleepy eyes and disheveled hair. You are so damned cute, I just want to squeeze you!" she explained. "Every day I wonder how I was so lucky to have found you," she added.
Cat held Billie's gaze as her wife's words filled her heart and tears filled her eyes.
Concerned that she had said something to upset her, Billie reached across the table and covered one of Cat's smaller hands with her own. "Cat?" she whispered softly.
Cat allowed several large tears to fall to the tabletop. Billie waited patiently for her reply.
"Billie, I'm afraid," she admitted, not able to elaborate further.
Billie placed two fingers under Cat's chin and raised her face. "Are you really afraid, or are you angry?" she asked.
Cat realized at that moment how wise and perceptive Billie really was. Cat tended to think that Billie lived in the moment, reactive rather than proactive…spontaneously emotional, and not prone to deep intuition. She now realized she was wrong. Here before her was a very tender and sensitive creature whose own intuitive abilities had seen right through her.
Cat smiled at her own realization. She looked down into her coffee cup and composed herself before she looked back at Billie. "I must be pretty transparent, huh?"
Billie released Cat's chin. "Not really. I just put myself in your shoes. I would be royally pissed," she explained.
"That's putting it mildly," Cat admitted. She sat back in her seat and wiped the tears from her face. "Billie," she continued, "I feel so powerless. I feel like my future has been taken out of my hands. Pissed? You're damned right I'm pissed!" she complained. "I didn't ask for this."
Billie leaned forward. "I know you didn't ask for this. Who would? Cat, you are not powerless. We can beat this. We can beat this together."
Billie looked at Cat for several long moments in silence before she spoke again. "Look, Cat. I know this is scary stuff, and I can understand how terrified you are, but you are allowing this to consume you. This doesn't have to be a death sentence. Hell, we don't even really know yet if it's serious. Tara is already suspicious. Let it go for now...at least for the weekend."
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