Tailspin

by Karen D. Badger

  "I'm okay," he replied. "I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I'm more concerned about Jen. She's been so quiet," He looked at Cat and Jen on the bed. "She's supposed to start as a teacher's aide at the school in a few weeks. Maybe that will take her mind off things."

  Billie just nodded.

  Cat reached to the floor where she dropped the bag containing Jen's clothes. "Here's the change of clothes you requested, although I really have to say, you look ravishing in that hospital gown."

  Jen smiled. "Do you think the neighbors would mind me arriving home with my bare butt sticking out the back?"

  "Works for me!" Fred chirped from his position by the window, drawing an elbow to the ribs from Billie.

  "Owwww!" he responded.

  Jen chuckled and then went into the bathroom to change. Moments later, she emerged from the bathroom, fully dressed and ready to go. Fred moved immediately to her side, and wrapped an arm around her waist.

  An uncomfortable silence ascended over the four friends as they waited by the elevator. Cat made the first attempt to dispel the tension.

  "Did your doctor leave you with any special instructions?" she asked.

  Fred volunteered the answer before Jen could speak. "Just lots of bed rest for the next few days."

  "Well, don't you worry about the kids. They can stay with us for as long as they need to," Billie offered.

  Jen was drawn out of her silence by the mention of Stevie and Karissa. "The kids! Are they okay? Karissa...she must be out of her mind with worry,"

  "The kids are fine," Cat replied. When we left this morning, Karissa, Tara and Sky were happily munching on cereal in front of the TV, and Seth and Stevie were still camped out in the family room. Karissa was a little concerned this morning, but we assured her that you'd be fine."

  Jen offered a weak smile at Cat's reply as the elevator door opened to admit them. Within moments, they were in the car and on the road to home. Silence once again prevailed. Billie glanced into the rear view mirror to see Jen sound asleep on Fred's shoulder.

  "I'm afraid she didn't sleep well in the hospital last night," Fred explained.

  Cat nodded. "I don't blame her. The hospital is the last place I'd suggest for getting any rest," she replied. "Kind of ironic, isn't it?"

  Billie pulled into neighbor's driveway, and then jumped out of the car to open the door for Fred and Jen.

  Fred gently nudged Jen awake. "Jen, honey, wake up."

  Jen lifted her head from her husband's shoulder and looked around, sleepy and disoriented. "We're home already?"

  Once outside the car, Jen allowed her friends to hug her and wish her well and promised them she'd call when she felt well enough for visitors.

  "Fred, don't hesitate to call us if you need anything, okay?" Cat handed him the bag of soiled clothes she had grabbed as they left Jen's hospital room.

  "The kids have been worried about their mom and will probably want to see her, but like we said, they are welcome to stay for a long as they want. Keeping them at our house for the next day or so might allow Jen to get more rest," Billie added.

  Jen stopped on the landing and turned to face her friends. "You really don't need two extra kids around. You'll have your hands full tomorrow with your own medical issues."

  "They really are no bother," Cat said.

  "It'll be fine, Cat. I'm taking tomorrow off to spend with Jen, so I'll be able to keep things relatively quiet, even with the kids around," Fred replied, "But if you can keep them for the night we'd really appreciate it. It will give Jen a chance to catch up on her sleep."

  "It's absolutely no problem," Billie responded as they headed back to their car.

  Jen stopped them with the sound of her voice. "Oh, Cat, I want to hear from you as soon as you get home tomorrow, okay?"

  "Okay, Jen. Get some rest. We'll see you tomorrow," Cat replied as she climbed into the car.

  Upon pulling into their own driveway, Billie switched off the ignition and turned to Cat. "That was just a little too uncomfortable for my tastes."

  "It was a little tense, wasn't it?" Cat replied. "It's so hard knowing what to say when something tragic happens. All we can do is give her all the love and support we can. She'll never really forget about it, but with time, the pain of losing the baby will diminish," she added.

  Billie was intently watching Cat as she spoke, emotions running rampant across her brow.

  Cat noticed the change in Billie's demeanor. "Billie, are you okay?" she asked.

  Billie smiled. "You know me so well, my love." She reached across the seat to touch the side of Cat's face.

  "What are you thinking about?" Cat asked softly.

  "Cat, I know I've been lecturing you about your fears, and about making a big deal of this breast lump when it may turn out to be nothing." She looked down at the seat between them and tried to gather her thoughts. "Truth is, I've been secretly worrying enough for both of us. I can't help it, Cat. I would die if I ever lost you," she confessed. "I can't imagine the pain ever diminishing, no matter how much time passed by."

  Cat became misty-eyed as Billie spoke. She took Billie's hand in her own. "I know exactly what you mean. Now you know how I felt when you were lying in the hospital with a gunshot wound to the head several years ago, and then later, when you woke up after an epileptic episode and didn't know who I was. God, Billie, it was like losing you even though you were still with me. I went through agonizing moments, knowing I would never get over losing you," Cat recalled.

  Billie took Cat's face between her hands. "Cat," she said seriously. "Cat if this does turn out to be something serious, promise me you'll fight it with every ounce of strength you have. I can't lose you. Promise me," she demanded, her voice broke with emotion.

  Cat smiled through tears. "I promise, my love. I promise. Even if I died and went to Heaven, it couldn't possibly be better than being here with you," she replied.

  Billie lowered her forehead to touch Cat's. "Thank you," she whispered. Billie planted a gentle kiss on Cat's lips. "Now maybe we should get inside and let Jen's kids know that she's home."

  As expected, both Karissa and Stevie were eager to hear news of their mother, and quite relieved to know she was home and would be all right. After strict instructions to return later that afternoon so their mother could get some rest, Stevie and Karissa went home.

  Sunday evening at the Charlands' was a quiet one. Karissa and Stevie returned in time for dinner, and afterward retreated to their respective friends' rooms for 'teen time'. Stevie and Seth played video games. Karissa and Tara talked incessantly on the phone with Kelly, and Skylar and her friend Missy colored quietly on the living room rug in front of an oft-watched video of Mary Poppins.

  Billie sat comfortably in the living room recliner with her notebook computer on her lap and compiled notes for the final hearing on Shannon and Julie Nash's custody battle, scheduled for the following Wednesday.

  As for Cat…she sat curled in the corner of the sofa and divided her attention between Billie, the children, her family and friends and the pad of paper in her lap on which she was attempting to put her thoughts, all the while acutely aware at that moment of how blessed she was to be surrounded by such love, warmth and good fortune.

  Her mind wavered, yet continued to return to the one shadow that loomed over her happiness…the shadow of what awaited her tomorrow...the shadow of what may or may not be. Never is one so appreciative of what they have as when they are threatened by the loss of it. Such were the thoughts she penned to paper as the sun set on the Charland household that evening.

  CHAPTER 18

  Traffic was particularly heavy on Monday morning as Billie maneuvered the car through the streets. Cat sat beside her with her hands clasped firmly in her lap and a frown worrying her brow.

  Billie and Cat had awakened in the wee hours, but chose to stay in bed, wrapped in each other's arms. Neither spoke, but shared their silent agony...fearing the worst, yet hoping for the best. An occasional shudder passed t
hrough Cat, and she fought back her emotions. She wondered how many more mornings she would have the luxury of lying in Billie's arms. It was hours before they finally rose, showered and set out for the hospital.

  Cat looked at Billie from the passenger seat of their car. "Billie, I'm really nervous about this biopsy."

  Billie nodded, but did not take her eyes off the busy road. "I know, Cat. I am too." She rubbed Cat's thigh with her right hand. "I'd be lying if I said otherwise."

  Silence descended over the car for the rest of the trip to the hospital. When they arrived, Billie pulled into a parking space and turned off the engine. "Are you ready?" she asked softly.

  Their eyes met. Fear was clearly written all over Cat's face. Billie reached across the front seat and caressed Cat's cheek with her palm.

  Cat pressed her cheek into Billie's touch and closed her eyes. "I'm being a baby, aren't I?" Cat asked.

  "You're being human," Billie replied. "No one is immune to sickness, Cat, not even doctors. I know you're trained to distance yourself personally from a patient's illness, but when it's yourself, or a family member, I can understand how fear reigns over reason."

  "Thank you for coming with me, sweetheart," Cat said.

  "There is no way I would allow you to go through this alone. I will always be here for you. You know that, don't you?" Billie asked.

  "I know," Cat replied.

  She took a deep breath and looked at her watch. "It's nearly time. I guess we'd better get in there."

  Billie and Cat sat in the waiting room of the Breast Care Center, having pre-registered and checked in. Soon, a nurse came by to direct them to an examination room where she was instructed to unclothe from the waist up and don a hospital gown.

  It seemed like an eternity before the ultrasound technician arrived. Cat sat stiff-backed. Her right knee bounced up and down in nervous agitation. She clutched tightly at the gown, and held it together between her breasts. Her knuckles were white with tension. She looked around wildly, as though dreading the moment when the door would open and her name would be called. It broke Billie's heart to see Cat consumed by fear and on the verge of near panic.

  Finally, it was her turn.

  They were led to a room with an examination table, an ultrasound machine and a tray laden with various needles and anesthesia. The nurse instructed her to lie on the table, and assured her the doctor would be with her soon. Cat was grateful that Billie would be allowed to stay by her side during the procedure. She clung tightly to Billie's hand and waited for the procedure to begin.

  Cat was cold and trembled with fear, unable to stop her traitorous body from shaking so violently. Billie was near tears herself, unable to help calm Cat's fears. She was tense; her jaw hurt and her head ached. She sat beside Cat and laid her head on Cat's stomach. It was a move that seemed to calm them both.

  Suddenly, the door swung open and Billie's head snapped up. A pleasant looking middle-aged woman clad in blue scrubs entered. "Caitlain Charland?" she asked. Without waiting for confirmation, she circled the table and sat on the stool opposite Billie.

  Cat nodded weakly and accepted the hand the woman extended to her in greeting.

  "Hi, I'm Jenny Moore and I'll be your radiologist today. She shook hands with a silent Cat and then turned her attention to Billie. "And you are?"

  "Billie. Billie Charland. I'm Cat's partner," she said, and accepted the firm handshake from the doctor.

  Jenny placed an assuring hand on Cat's shoulder. "Okay, Cat, let me explain what's about to happen. We're going to perform what is called a Needle Aspiration Biopsy. This procedure is usually used to differentiate between cysts and solid tumors. If it is a cyst, it will usually contain fluid and will all but disappear after aspiration. Cytological or pathological examination of the material we remove will be done at the lab for possible identification of cancer cells. We will use this ultrasound machine over here to help locate the lump, and then once located, we'll numb the area above the lump and insert the needle into it to extract the material. If all goes well, in a few days, we'll have the results. Do you understand?"

  Billie wanted to scream that Cat was a doctor, and of course she understood; however, a quick glance at Cat's face made her realize that the radiologist's explanation was actually having a calming effect on her.

  "Good! Now all we're waiting for is the ultrasound technician," she said.

  As if on cue, the door opened and a twenty-something woman entered.

  "Ah! Here she is. Marissa, this is Caitlain Charland and her partner Billie. Ladies, this is Marissa, and she'll do us the honor of running the ultrasound machine," Jenny explained.

  While Marissa calibrated the machine, Jenny opened Cat's gown and asked her to point to the location of the lump. Then, with practiced movements, Jenny did a breast exam and easily located the offending tissue. "There it is," she said.

  Cat watched her every movement with clinical detachment. Billie, on the other hand, was scared to death, and clutched Cat's hand more for her own peace of mind than for Cat's.

  Marissa held the tube of jelly above Cat's breast. "This might be a little cold."

  True to her word, Cat gasped as the cold gel touched her skin. Within seconds, Marissa passed the ultrasound wand over the area. Cat's eyes were glued to the screen as she saw the lump before they did. "There it is!" she exclaimed as the lump passed in and out of view.

  "You have good eyes, Caitlain," Jenny remarked.

  "Cat."

  "Cat?" Jenny repeated.

  "Cat," she said again. "That's what I'm called. Only my mother and Grandma Alex call me Caitlain," she explained lightly.

  "Okay, Cat it is. I'm just going to use this marker to place a dot on the skin over the lump so we'll know where to insert the needle," Jenny explained.

  Once the dot was positioned, Jenny wiped the jelly from Cat's breast and thoroughly cleansed the area with Betadine solution to sanitize it from any bacteria that might cause an infection later on. Billie grasped Cat's hand tightly as Jenny picked up the needle containing the anesthesia and gently inserted it into Cat's breast. Cat tensed slightly as the burning liquid entered her skin, but soon relaxed as the numbing agent worked quickly.

  Jenny extracted the needle. "You tolerated that well. We'll give that a few moments to really settle in before we aspirate the lump. Do you have any questions while we wait?"

  "I have just one," Cat replied. "Most breast cancers occur in the upper outer quadrant of the breast, which my lump is not. They are also usually irregular in shape, are poorly delineated, non-mobile and painless. I want to know if you can tell through the ultrasound if this lump meets any of those descriptions, or if it is an invasive ductal carcinoma. Is it radiating into the surrounding breast tissue?" she asked with clinical coldness.

  Jenny looked at Cat and frowned. She tilted her head to one side. "Are you holding out on me? You're a doctor, aren't you?" she asked.

  Cat had the decency to blush. "An anesthesiologist, actually," she replied.

  Billie beamed with pride.

  The radiologist smiled broadly. "Well, that certainly makes my job easier." she chucked. "Okay, I guess it's time. Can you feel this?" She picked the surface of Cat's breast with the needle.

  "Feel what?" Cat said facetiously.

  "Good. I'm going to insert the aspiration needle into the skin, then employ the ultrasound once more to help guide us into the lump. Here goes." Jenny punctured the skin above the lump.

  Billie's stomach threatened to mutiny as she watched the procedure. Cat was very calm. Her gaze was glued to the ultrasound screen as they literally watched the needle pass through Cat's breast tissue and into the lump.

  "How are you doing, Cat?" Jenny asked.

  "Fine. I don't feel a thing," Cat replied.

  Within moments, the material inside the lump had been aspirated into the needle and the needle slowly extracted.

  "There. All finished." Jenny placed the specimen on the tray and grabbed a cloth to wipe off th
e excess lubricating jelly and the small amount of blood resulting from the invasion. She cleaned the area thoroughly and then placed a bandage on the point of insertion. "Nice job, Cat. You can sit up now. "If you feel any discomfort in your breast as it thaws, simple Ibuprofen should help. If you notice any inflammation or swelling, call your doctor," Jenny instructed.

  Cat sat and tied the gown together in front of her. "So, you didn't answer my question. "Is this an invasive ductal carcinoma?"

  Jenny looked at Cat. "Normally, I don't answer questions from patients on what I did or didn't see. Thankfully, that job belongs to their doctors. However, since you are a doctor yourself...no, it didn't appear to be an invasive ductal carcinoma." Seeing the relief on Cat's face, she quickly added. "Don't be fooled though, Cat. That doesn't mean it can't still be something serious," she warned.

  Billie wanted to drop Jenny right there for dashing Cat's hopes, but Cat seemed to take it in stride. "I know, but it does mean I have something to hope for," she explained.

  "That you do," Jenny agreed. "Well, I'd better get this over to the lab. You should hear from your doctor in a day or two. Good luck, Cat."

  ***

  "Hi, Daddy. This is Cat."

  "Cat, honey, you had the biopsy today, didn't you? How did it go? Did they tell you anything?" Cat could hear the hope in his voice.

  "It went fine Daddy, and no, they didn't tell me anything definitive. It'll be a few days before the results come back. Daddy, I'm calling because I think we should tell Mom. It doesn't feel right keeping it from her."

  "I'm not sure that's a good idea, Cat. I mean, why worry her until we know what we're dealing with?" Doc suggested.

  "Look, I put myself in her shoes. If Tara or Skylar, or even Billie had something seriously wrong with them, I would be devastated if they kept it from me. I would be crushed. Hell, I'd be highly insulted. Don't you realize that we'd be sending the message to her that we don't think she can't handle it?" Cat explained.