The Housing Lark

by Sam Selvon

  Only Gallows waiting to see which way the wind blow. Gallows did think so much about this house that he frighten lest he damage his chances either way.

  ‘All right, all right,’ Bat say. ‘What you all think? I thief the money? I have every black cent here.’

  ‘Bring it,’ Teena say. ‘Bring it here and count it.’

  ‘Raise up off the bloody bed,’ Bat tell Jean and Matilda, who was sitting on it. When they get up he yank the mattress aside. Fivers and pound notes and other sterling in paper money lining the spring. They have the indentations and wrinkles from nights of sleep.

  ‘Look it there,’ Bat say, ‘you satisfy now? I don’t know what happen to this woman here tonight, oui. Like she gone mad.’

  ‘What about the silver?’ Teena ask, ‘and the coppers?’ And she throw a quote at Bat: ‘“Little drops of water, little grains of sand, make the mighty ocean, and the beauteous strand.”’

  ‘Don’t sing no bloody Sunday school hymn for me,’ Bat glare at she before he pull out a Ovaltine tin from under the bed. He open it and cant the money out on the mattress. ‘I hope all of you satisfy now,’ he say. ‘I thought I had friends, but all of you worse than English people.’

  ‘Today is the day of reckoning,’ Teena say, ‘and action. Count it, down to the last cent.’

  ‘Count the blasted thing yourself,’ Bat say.

  ‘I will count it for you, Bat,’ Gallows say, though to tell the truth if he reach up to twenty he wouldn’t know to go any further. But what the scamp had in mind was that maybe his lost fiver among those on the bedspring, and he want to make a search. It suddenly occur to him that he wouldn’t even know if it was there, he would have to look at the number on one quickly and tell them that he know it by the number.

  But Teena tell him: ‘You keep your evil hands off. I understand that you booking basement room in the house and you ain’t even contribute a fart.’ She turn to Matilda and Jean. ‘We will count it.’

  To do that she had to let go of the bottle, putting it down on the table, and Bat snatch it up like a seagull swooping on a fish, and off with the cork and gulp some down quick. He make a loud Ah and smack his lips. ‘If I had friends I would of offered them a drink,’ he say, and he went in a corner hugging the bottle, jamming up against the wall as if the genis on the wallpaper could console him in this hour of stress.

  Everybody else crowd round the table as the girls begin to count the money, sorting out fivers from ones and halfcrowns and shillings and pence.

  ‘You know how much money here?’ Teena turn to ask Bat.

  ‘I say I ain’t count it,’ Bat say. ‘You don’t understand Queen’s? You want me to put it in West Indian for you? I have not assessed the sterling situation. Parse and analyse that sentence if you could, you old macoumere.’

  ‘How much there Teena, how much?’ Gallows seeing so much money he thinking they could buy a mansion up in Hampstead. He make another try to investigate the fivers, but from the time he push his hand she give him ONE lash.

  ‘One hundred and twenty one pounds, eight shillings and fivepence ha’penny,’ Teena announce like is a big scene in a TV drama.

  ‘You didn’t count the farthings,’ Bat say.

  Nobby whistle and dig Alfy. ‘We holding big, boy!’

  And Syl say, ‘I didn’t know we pass the hundred mark, man.’

  ‘Some of that money is my personal property,’ Bat come to the table. ‘I better sort out the sheeps from the goats.’

  ‘Don’t touch that money Bat!’ Teena warn him. ‘Leave everything just as it is. Everybody sit back down as they was before. This is only Chapter One.’

  The boys find themselves obeying automatically, except for Bat—but at this stage Teena holding the floor.

  ‘All right.’ She stand up with arms akimbo. ‘Next on the programme is Harry Banjo. We start off by making some of you shame. Anybody ever heard of him? Anybody here friendly with him? Anybody went to see him since he get in trouble? He is your friend, if wasn’t for him this idea wouldn’t of come up, not that is anything brilliant, but any spark in company like this is a conflagration.’

  ‘I went Teena.’ Gallows raising his hand as if he in a class and the teacher ask a question.

  ‘Was you delegated to go or you went on your own?’

  ‘How you mean?’

  ‘You went on your own?’

  ‘Yes, I just breeze in one day as I was passing the jail, I carry a packet of cigarettes for him too, Teena. Twenty.’

  ‘Anybody else went?’

  Syl clear his throat. ‘Well I went one day, but it wasn’t time for visiting hours.’

  ‘Yes. I remember that time,’ Nobby say, ‘I was with Syl, and the both of we wanted to go.’

  Teena turn to the girls. ‘You see these liars and renegades. However, I going to keep to the point. Now Mr Battersby, you say you waiting for Harry to come out of jail. What difference that going to make, pray?’

  ‘How you mean what difference?’ Bat say. ‘It was the man idea. And besides if he sell that recording he will be in big money.’

  ‘Let me tell you something,’ Teena say, ‘that recording ain’t going any place but the dustbin. Who fool Harry that he could sing? Is all right for a little club session or party, but you think Harry ever going to be a Beatle? More likely a weevil.’

  ‘You can’t say that,’ Jean say, ‘he have a good voice, man. He might stand a chance.’

  ‘All right, I give you that,’ Teena say. ‘But even so, that’s his own business, it ain’t have nothing to do with the house. Bat talking as if we expect Harry to buy a house for we to live in.’

  Bat look at the wallpaper as if he only wishing he could say: ‘Geni, come and take this woman away and lose she in the heart of deepest Africa.’

  Teena went on: ‘So all right. So much for Harry. Chapter Two is this: What you all actually do about this house? You been to see any agents? You been to see any places?’

  Everybody look at Bat. Bat say: ‘Ask these fellars, or ask Fitz, I show them all the lists the other day. I went to agents all about until I get tired walking.’

  Teena wave she hand. ‘Anybody could get lists, don’t act as if you climb Mount Everest. But you actually discuss the matter with anybody?’

  Bat say: ‘It have a agent in Croydon who say come back as soon as we raise about two hundred and he will fix up.’

  ‘So far so good. We can’t be fussy which part the house is, because we won’t have much choice.’

  ‘I won’t mind Mayfair or Belgravia—or the Chelsea Embankment at a pinch,’ Bat say.

  ‘What about a cottage next to Buckingham Palace?’ Teena ask sarcastic. ‘Imagine you get up in the morning and standing by your window yawning and stretching, and you wave across the lawn: “Morning neighbour!”’

  Everybody had a laugh at this, but to show you how things was reaching a serious stage, Alfy say, ‘It shouldn’t be too far from where we working, though.’

  ‘That’s the first constructive remark any of you make tonight,’ Teena say, ‘it still have hope of salvation for the lot of you. Okay, we concentrate on the area around here. Next on the programme, we come back to money. Say we have a hundred and twenty, because it hopeless to ask this reprobate to account for all of it. I suppose we should praise God he didn’t squander the lot.’

  Now all this time Bat was keyed up for when they raise this point. If they only know that the two hundred mark must have been past already! If in the general sweep that Teena was making she wash away his sins, he wouldn’t have anything to worry about immediately.

  Bat take the turn of the tide in a flash. ‘As a matter of fact Teena,’ he say, ‘I been listening to you all this time, and to tell you the truth so far you talking good sense. You know how hard it is to control these boys, they like little children. But with this inspiring discourse that
you giving them, I sure they will try to be better in future.’

  Teena glare at Bat. ‘I will leave Matilda to settle with you, and hope it not too late to save your soul. Nobby, how much money you working for?’

  ‘I could hit around twenty with overtime.’

  ‘There you are. And I sure you fellars working for around the same. Now you mean to tell me that four hulking men like you can’t raise eighty pounds?’

  ‘What about me?’ Gallows ask in alarm. ‘I will get a work tomorrow please God.’

  ‘And Fitz and Harry?’ Bat ask.

  ‘Don’t worry about Harry,’ Jean say, ‘he will give his share.’

  ‘And for Fitz,’ Teena say, ‘I will show you all how serious I is about this whole matter.’

  She open her purse slowly. She take out some weather-beaten notes and some change, and put it down on the table. For the first time it look like she was going to break down, her voice get husky.

  ‘That’s ten pounds. We had it put aside to buy some winter clothes for the children.’

  Well! You talk about melodrama! Everything what Teena say and do so far was as nothing to this. Fellars start to scratch their heads and look around, Matilda and Jean as if they want to cry, Bat make as if he want to laugh but change his mind, and Gallows suddenly begin to make an earnest search about the room for the elusive fiver, as if he want to find it and plonk it down on the table right away to augment the funds. Then Syl pull out a ten shilling note and put it down on the table without a word. Alfy put something too, glaring at Syl as much as if to say he shouldn’t of done that because it put them all in jeopardy. Nobby also come up with his quota.

  Hear Bat: ‘When I get pay tomorrow I will put in a fiver.’

  ‘You will put in more than a fiver Mr Battersby,’ Teena say, ‘from what I understand you and Gallows is the only-est ones who ain’t contribute to this house. Fair is fair, and you will have to catch up with the others if you want to stay in.’

  ‘Well I glad all of that settle now,’ Bat say quickly, ‘it really take a load off my mind. Now that things under control we could really do something. For a start let me collect all that money and put it away in a safe place.’

  ‘I don’t want nobody sleeping on my money, man,’ Syl growl.

  ‘Me too, ‘Nobby say.

  ‘Nor me,’ Alfy say.

  Teena wait until Bat went to the table and stretch out his hand like one of them mechanical shovel you does see on building site. Then she give him ONE lash. ‘Keep your digits off. From now on Jean will keep the money.’

  While Jean was collecting with Bat looking on like a hungry hawk, Teena continue: ‘Last thing on the programme, I want to say a few words.’ (Skiff-skiff and gill-gill laughter.) ‘Shame, shame and sorrows, is what scalliwags and scoundrels like the set of you bring on the heads of OUR PEOPLE. Everything is a skylark and a fete and a bacchanal. None of you ever get serious; if I didn’t take Fitz in hand, he would gamble every night and go sporting and looking for white girls. You all can’t even get serious about a thing like housing. You know the distresses we have to go through, you know the arse black people see to get a roof over their heads in this country, and yet, the way you all behave is as if you haven’t a worry in the world. No ambition, no push. Just full your belly with rum and food, and you all belge and fart around and look for lime to pass the time, walk about, catch women, stand up by the market place talking a set of shit day in and day out. That is what you come to Brit’n to do? Fellars like you muddy the waters for West Indians who trying to live decent in the country. They should line the lot of you up against a wall and shoot you!’

  ‘Tell them Teena, tell them,’ Nobby say as she pause for breath.

  ‘Is no bloody joke,’ she say, ‘it have a time and place for everything. You fellars only wasting your lives.’

  Gallows make the sign of the cross with his forefingers and kiss it. ‘Tomorrow self please God I going to look for a work, whatever it is, if is not executiving I won’t mind directing a bank or something. I will give up the search for that fiver that I lost one day and concentrate on reality.’

  ‘You all should think of marrieding and settling down,’ Teena went on ignoring Gallows. ‘A good woman will soon straighten out the set of you.’

  ‘I hope you listening well Bat,’ Matilda say.

  ‘Nobody ain’t going to clip my wings,’ Bat say. ‘Look what Teena do to Fitz. Look what she trying to do with all of we.’

  ‘At least Fitz have more ambition than you,’ Teena say. ‘You just wait until Matilda hog you.’

  Bat laugh. ‘Mat, listen to this woman. Tell she how we going to live a life of harmony, that you going to allow me to do what I want, and come and go as I please.’

  ‘Yes do-do,’ Mat say, but she turn to wink at the girls, as much as if to say, ‘Just let me get my hands on the rascal and I will have him straight as a pin and steady as a rock.’

  Bat begin to feel he could take over command of the situation now. ‘Well girl Teena,’ he stand up near to her and put his hand on her shoulder, ‘I really glad you come here tonight and sweep the clouds away and let us know what the position is. I for one think it was a pep talk that these boys needed, and I hope they listen good. What you say make sense, and I only hope these boys make up their minds to turn over a new leaf.’

  Teena shake his hand from her shoulder. ‘Don’t think you could sweet-talk me, Bat. I know you are the ringleader.’

  ‘Let bygones go by,’ Bat say, anxious to get back into stride. ‘We could have a drink now? I mean as a sort of little celebration now that everything settle.’

  ‘Bring the bottle,’ Teena say.

  Bat went in the corner where he left it and bring it come. Teena pour three glass full. She give Jean and Matilda and keep one for herself.

  ‘You all can have the balance,’ she say. This time so the bottle down in short pants.

  ‘Oh God,’ Bat say, ‘you not only taking over my affairs and want to run my life, but you drinking my rum too!’

  The three girls went upstairs to Jean room with their drinks, and the boys start up a discussion on the turn of events. They argue and talk for about a hour, treating the rum gentle to stretch it out, saying what and what they wouldn’t do now that they realise they on the wrong path. Gallows asking if they know of any jobs, Nobby saying that when he go back home he will clean out his room first thing because he never done it since he move in. Alfy swear he would take his clothes to the laundry, and Syl say he will look for a good wife and he wouldn’t mind if even she white, as long as she could cook a good cur-rey. And all of them giving Bat tone how Teena dominate the scene, but Bat don’t care because in his mind he praising the Lord that he get away with all the swindling he was doing.

  A little later he produce a pack of cards and all the resolutions disappear as they start up a session of rummy at a tanner a corner.

  * * *

  * * *

  Of all living things, Man is the only one who does worry. From the minute he born he have to start hustling for food, clothes and shelter, and he hardly live a few years before he have to begin to worry about death. And in them few years, think of all the contention and bafflement and the fights and arguments and struggles and hardships and sorrows. So really speaking, if it have fellars who seem to be breezing through life without a care, you have to say good luck to them. If a fellar could afford to laugh skiff-skiff at something what making you cry, how you could blame him? You wish you could of laugh yourself! It have great philosophers who wish they was like that, who wish they haven’t to bother with the international situation, what happening behind the Iron Curtain, what going on in the Middle East, if it going to be a labouring year or a conservative year in the old Brit’n. And men all over the place shitting their pants wondering what they would do if they lose their jobs, they have the mortgage to pay, they have the rates to pay, t
hey have insurance to pay.

  It only had a few days left for Harry Banjo to escape from jail (when they hold one of the boys and he get out you have to call it an escape). And yet Bat was sure something bound to happen. If the worse come to the worse he would go and put a fiver on a twenty-to-one horse, and ask the geni to make sure it come in. As things turn out, he didn’t have to. One morning he had a visitor, and an Englisher to boot.

  ‘Good morning,’ Bat say, ‘What can I do for you?’

  ‘I am looking for Harry Banjo,’ the fellar say.

  ‘Harry is on holiday,’ Bat say, ‘he is visiting the Scottish side of his family in North Ireland.’

  ‘He never told me that,’ the fellar frowned. ‘I’m his agent.’

  ‘Oh. Please come in.’ Bat widen the door and his mouth. ‘Is it about the recording?’

  ‘Yes,’ the agent say. ‘When is he coming back?’

  ‘In a few days. You have any message for him? I am his first cousin on the West Indian side.’

  ‘A bit of good news,’ the agent say. ‘You could tell him to call me as soon as he gets back.’

  ‘I always know that boy would make good. Calypso is his life. How much money he going to get?’

  ‘I’d rather discuss that with him,’ the agent say.

  ‘It’s all right. He tell me everything being as I is his first cousin. Fifty? A hundred?’

  ‘Depends on the contract.’ The agent get up to go.

  ‘Have a cup of coffee,’ Bat say.

  ‘No thanks.’ But he stop by the door. ‘Did you say you’re his cousin?’

  ‘First,’ Bat say.

  ‘Maybe you could help me, I need a lot of information. Facts about the banana plantations in Jamaica, his childhood struggles, that sort of thing.’ He sigh. ‘What I really need is a gimmick to sell him to the English public.’

  ‘A gimmick?’

  ‘Yes, you know, something outstanding and special, tragic or funny. I don’t suppose you know of anything?’

  ‘I notice he have a peculiar way of hitting high C, if that’s what you mean.’