Beyond Reckless

by Autumn Jones Lake

  Or if he’ll come with her.

  That day at the cemetery still haunts me.

  Does he still hate me for the shitty things I said to him?

  I’m sitting at the reception desk, filling in some notes on my calendar, when the door opens and Heidi walks in. She’s with a giant red-headed guy I remember from her grandmother’s funeral. He has his arm wrapped around her in that caveman-protective way that’s both sweet and scary.

  “Hello, Heidi,” I greet her, standing and walking around to the front of the desk.

  “Hi, Miss Clarke.”

  She’s suddenly shy and nods at her boyfriend. “This is my fiancé, Blake, I don’t know if you ever met.”

  I hold out my hand and Blake grips it quickly. “Heidi’s said a lot of nice things about you, Miss Clarke.”

  “Thank you.” That’s nice to hear since Heidi’s case was one that has always stuck with me. And not just because I slept with her brother.

  My front door opens again and even though I’d secretly hoped he might show up, I’m not at all prepared for Marcel to walk in. Heidi turns, smiling at her big brother and holding her arms out for the baby he’s carrying.

  His?

  White hot jealousy flares inside me, which is ludicrous, because the last time we spoke I told him to fuck himself, and he threatened to turn me in to the ethics board.

  I should not want him so much.

  “I got her,” Marcel says, brushing Heidi off. “Do your thing. We’ll be fine.”

  My gaze strays from the baby to Marcel. Our eyes lock and for a second I can’t break away. “Uh, have a seat. I wasn’t quite sure what you wanted to discuss, Heidi, so I prepared a general retainer agreement for each of you. There’s also a client’s bill of rights. Review it and sign one copy. The other is yours.” I hand the forms to Heidi and Blake. They each take a chair, but Marcel remains standing in the doorway.

  “Do you need me to take her?” Heidi asks. “Are you all right?”

  “I’m fine,” he answers in a low voice. It’s then that I notice he’s using a cane. I almost blurt out, “What happened?” but stop myself at the last moment. Marcel’s stare intensifies as if he heard the unspoken question and didn’t care for it.

  “I—I’ll be right back. If you have any questions about the form, just let me know.” I need a minute. Hurrying into my office, I close the door, leaning against it to catch my breath. No one has ever affected me the way he does. After my heart rate slows back to normal, I return to the waiting room.

  “Heidi, if you’re ready, you can follow me.” I didn’t get her boyfriend’s last name and I feel weird calling him Blake. While I’m thinking it through, he stands and places his hand on Heidi’s lower back.

  My gaze strays to Marcel, who’s watching both of them with a tight jaw.

  Heidi turns and leans over to kiss the little girl he’s holding. “Mommy will be right back,” Heidi says. Blake reaches out and runs his fingers over the baby’s arm, making her giggle.

  “Oh, this is my daughter, Alexa,” Heidi says. Her tone is cautious and she doesn’t meet my eyes.

  Unsure of how to respond, I just nod. Not Marcel’s daughter. I’m mentally trying to add up how old Heidi is and I’m not getting far beyond nineteen. My gaze darts to Blake who ducks his head, but doesn’t say anything.

  “She’s beautiful, Heidi.” I stutter over the last word, because, well if I’m being honest, I’m relieved to know Marcel’s still single.

  Stupid.

  Just because she’s his niece and not his daughter doesn’t mean he’s not with anyone. Hot, young biker, he’s probably with lots of someones. All the time.

  How unprofessional. Three years later and this guy has me worrying about his sexual conquests instead of oh, I don’t know, doing my job.

  Shaking it off, I paste on a smile and gesture to the hallway leading to my office. “Follow me.”

  Once I’m behind my door, I’m able to slip into lawyer-mode and forget all about Mr. Best-Sex-I’ve-Ever-Had currently sitting in my waiting room. “So, what brought you in today?” I ask in my most professional voice, trying to forget that I know Marcel and his friend are part of an MC. Neither of them are sporting their MC colors, so it’s easier to pretend I’m having a normal consultation with normal clients instead of an outlaw and his old lady.

  Blake leans back, resting his ankle on the opposite knee. Heidi drops her gaze to where she’s holding on tight to his hand. “We wanted to talk to you about…well, um, Alexa.”

  “I want to adopt Alexa. Make it official,” Blake finally says.

  “She’s not yours?” I blurt out.

  Heidi blushes and shakes her head, but she seems more relaxed now that the reason for their visit is out. “No. My uh, husband…her father passed away.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  Heidi nods. I ask her a few more questions and take some notes while she spills her story. I’m saddened to hear everything she’s been through in the last few years. Although, she’s doing a lot better than some of my former child clients who only contact me when they need representation in a criminal matter. So at least there’s that.

  When she wraps it up, I turn to Blake. “You’re sure about this?”

  His face hardens. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

  Heidi grips his hand tighter.

  “A judge will ask the same question. In fact, this might be difficult unless you’re married.”

  “We’re getting married,” Blake says.

  “When?”

  “We haven’t set a date yet.”

  I don’t comment on how soon it is after her husband’s death. It’s none of my business really.

  “Are the grandparents in the picture?” I ask Heidi.

  “No, they never wanted anything to do with Alexa.”

  “I think we need to show the judge a little time. That you two are stable and that you,” I nod at Blake, “recognize raising a child is a lifelong commitment.”

  Blake snorts. “I know that. She’s mine by choice.”

  It’s an odd comment, but I think I get his meaning. “It’s wonderful that you feel that way. I see a lot of families at all different stages. Biologically, anyone can be a father. But a real dad loves and provides for a child as his own. It’s rare in my line of work.”

  Finally, I think we’ve connected, although he still seems tense. Maybe people have given him grief about getting involved with a single mother. Who knows.

  “Blake and I have known each other a long, long time. He and my brother have been best friends forever,” Heidi explains. “We’re as committed as it gets.”

  The corners of his mouth lift and his hostile posture softens as his gaze lands on her.

  Our time is almost up, so I promise them I’ll research a few issues and they promise to keep me up-to-date about their marriage. “There’s no rush. She won’t start school for a while,” I assure them.

  Blake shrugs. “I know. But doctors or whatever—” He nods at Heidi without finishing his sentence.

  “You think once we’re married, though, it won’t be an issue?” Heidi asks.

  “I don’t see why it would be. Even if the grandparents objected, it’s unlikely they could block an adoption. They might be granted limited visitation but that’s it.”

  “I can’t have that, Miss Clark.”

  “I think you can call me Charlotte now.”

  She flashes a quick smile. “Axel’s parents aren’t very nice and they never approved of me. I don’t want that negativity around my daughter,” she explains as I open my door to walk them back to the waiting room.

  “I don’t blame you.”

  Blake turns and I back up a step. “They’re my girls.” He smiles which doesn’t make him that much less intimidating. “I want to make sure they’re always taken care of, Miss Clark. I don’t ever want Alexa to feel like she doesn’t belong.”

  My heart squeezes and my mouth opens. How do I respond to such heartfelt words?


  “I understand.” My answer seems to satisfy him and he follows Heidi out the door.

  The sullen, grouchy guy we left in the waiting room is smiling at his niece as he lifts her in the air, making her squeal and giggle. Heidi stops and blinks rapidly. She swallows hard before whispering, “She’s the only one who can get him to smile since his accident.”

  I don’t have a chance to ask any follow-up questions. Alexa shouts for her mom as soon as she spots her and Heidi takes her from her brother. “She’s such a happy baby,” I say.

  Heidi smiles and brings the baby closer to me. “Do you want to hold her?”

  “Sure,” I answer, automatically holding out my arms.

  I can’t help grinning when she hands over her warm, squirmy bundle. “Do you have kids, Charlotte?” Heidi asks.

  “Not yet,” I answer. “I have a lot of younger clients though. When you’re assigned a case, even when they’re this little you’re supposed to meet with them.”

  “That must be difficult when they can’t tell you all their problems.”

  I open my mouth to respond, then hesitate. A clear picture of my first appointment with Heidi as a teenager returns to me. It was difficult to convince her to open up. “Nah, not much harder than a recalcitrant teenager.”

  Heidi gets my insinuation and laughs. “I wasn’t that bad.”

  “No, actually you weren’t.” For some reason a lump forms in my throat. “I’m sorry things have been rough, but I’m happy to know you’re doing well.”

  She blinks rapidly before answering. “Thank you, Charlotte.”

  Now that I’m in Charlotte’s office, I can’t come up with a single reason why I thought it was a good idea to tag along this morning.

  She’s still beautiful.

  And I’m a fucking mess.

  I stare after her for a long time after she disappears with Heidi and Murphy into her office.

  On the way here, I thought of a dozen ways to apologize for the way things went down the last time I saw her. None seemed adequate.

  Alexa finally draws me out of my Charlotte-induced stupor. Entertaining her for the next forty-five minutes keeps all my dark thoughts at bay. Only when I hear Charlotte’s voice in the hallway do I get distracted.

  “Christ,” I mutter, disgusted with myself for my reaction to her.

  Alexa wiggles her fingers at me and makes one of her happy gurgling noises. “Are you laughing at me, baby?” I tease, lifting her in the air, making her laugh even louder. I bring her in closer and press kisses to her chubby little cheeks. “You making fun of your uncle?”

  “Eeee!” she squeals and waves her hands.

  Murphy appears first, Charlotte and Heidi behind him. He’s hard to read, so I don’t know if things went well or not. I raise an eyebrow at him and he lifts his shoulder, still giving me nothing.

  Alexa notices her mom and yells for her. I hand her to Heidi, who turns around and asks Charlotte if she has any kids of her own.

  The question stops me cold.

  Why didn’t that occur to me?

  Charlotte’s a beautiful, smart, successful woman. She’s probably married by now. My gaze strays to her fingers which are bare, but that doesn’t mean anything these days.

  I let out a breath when she answers “not yet” although that could mean she and her husband just haven’t gotten around to it. Heidi hands Alexa over and Charlotte takes her in an easy, natural way, as if she’s used to kids. Doesn’t even fuss about getting her pretty suit messed up or seem to mind when Alexa immediately yanks on her hair and tries to stuff it in her mouth.

  “Sorry,” Heidi says, holding her arms out.

  “I’m fine.” Charlotte waves her off.

  Alexa’s a good baby and loves pretty much everyone she meets. Seeing Charlotte hold my niece in her arms isn’t some moment where I’m thinking “Alexa likes her, so she must be the one” or something stupid like that. No, it hits me on a primal level. A deeper level than I even knew I had.

  Would our kids end up with her red hair?

  Christ, am I full of shit. I’m skipping right over that whole she’s the one thing and already making babies with her in my head.

  Besides the caveman urges springing forward, Heidi and Alexa are the two most important girls in my world. The easy way Charlotte gets along with them only intensifies the ache that’s been lurking in my chest since my accident.

  The bell over Charlotte’s front door jingles.

  Some suit-wearing motherfucker, wearing one of those giant watches that announces I’m a tiny-dicked douchebag, strolls into the office as if he owns the place. Ignoring Murphy and me, he settles his entitled gaze on Charlotte.

  “You ready for lunch, Char? I only have an hour.”

  “Oh, sure.” She hands Alexa back to Heidi and they wrap up their goodbyes.

  Douchebag glances at us like we’re shit no one bothered to scrape off their boots before walking into the office. Charlotte’s eyes meet mine for a second. Apologetic or embarrassed. I can’t tell.

  Doesn’t matter. All I’m picturing is planting my fist in the intruder’s throat. Or tossing Heidi and Murphy out on the sidewalk and bending Charlotte over her desk. Douchebag can watch if he wants.

  “Marcel?” Heidi calls.

  I realize I’ve been staring at Charlotte a little too long. “Good to see you again, Charlotte.”

  Her eyes widen. “Yes, you too.”

  Outside, Heidi glances back at the building. “I hope that’s not her boyfriend, he seems like a dick.”

  Murphy snorts. “That’s probably her type.”

  “You didn’t like her?” Heidi asks.

  “No, I liked her fine,” he says, helping her into the back seat and buckling Alexa into her car seat. He throws Heidi a cocky wink. “Smart, pretty girls always date assholes.”

  Alexa squees in agreement and Murphy leans in to kiss her cheek. “Except you. You’re never dating anyone.”

  Heidi chuckles and grips the back of my seat to pull herself forward. “Were you two okay?”

  “Yes. How’d it go?”

  “Fine. Kind of like Hope said. It will be easier after we’re married. Show the judge we’re stable. Stuff like that.”

  This is going way too fast for me, but I plaster on a smile. “Guess you two better set a date then.”

  Murphy gives me the side eye as he starts the truck. “Sure you can handle that?”

  “Fuck off.”

  “Oh my God. Would you watch your mouth?” Heidi throws herself against the back seat.

  I turn and grin at her. “Put your seatbelt on.”

  She rolls her eyes at me but buckles herself in. “What are you so smiley about, grouchy-pants?”

  “Nothing. I’m not.”

  “You should’ve asked Charlotte out,” Heidi says like it’s the best idea she’s had all day.

  Hell, maybe it is.

  Murphy chuckles but doesn’t comment.

  “She’s not really my type.” I almost choke on the words.

  “That’s the point,” Heidi says, drawing each word out as if she’s talking to a moron. “Branch out. You can always go back to banging brainless bunnies later.”

  The truck stops abruptly at a red light and I glance over to find Murphy silently laughing.

  Smacking my hand against his arm only makes him laugh harder. “What’s so funny, dick?”

  He jerks his thumb toward the backseat. “Heidi giving you dating tips. Love it,” he squeezes the words out before another fit of laughter overtakes him.

  “Dick,” I grumble.

  Heidi leans forward and slaps both our shoulders. “I’m serious.”

  “Oh, I know you are.” He gasps and chuckles again. “I can picture Wrath’s head exploding when your brother brings another lawyer into the club.”

  Heidi sits back. I don’t think she considered that angle. “Did he really give Hope a hard time?”

  I turn and raise my eyebrows at her.

  “Yeah, yeah.
Club business,” she grumbles.

  Because I feel bad for hassling her, and because I’m seriously considering her suggestion, I throw her a bone. “Maybe when I’m back to normal, Heidi.” Because fuck, now that I’ve seen Charlotte again, I want to make things right between us. Maybe once I get my shit together, I’ll do something normal, like ask her out.

  She sits forward again. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean,” I say, rubbing my hand over my leg. “I’m kind of a mess right now.”

  Her mouth turns down. Yeah, leave it to me to suck whatever fun we were having out of the afternoon. “You’re not a mess.” She rests her hand against my shoulder and squeezes. “Besides, any woman who doesn’t want you when you’re a little banged up, doesn’t deserve you when you’re at your best.”

  Only my sister could come up with something so profound it leaves me speechless.

  “You finding your clients through White Trash Want Ads now?” David asks after Heidi and her family leave.

  My hearing must be failing. He did not just say that. “What?”

  He nods at the door. “The tattoos and shit-kickers. Since when do you represent thugs?”

  “They’re not thugs.” Okay, probably a lie. “And they’re not trash. When did you turn into such a disgusting snob?”

  Why are David and I still friends? I had a stupid crush on him in law school, but it never turned into anything more than study-buddies. Now we’re colleagues who lunch once or twice a week. He dates an endless stream of airheads and I get to hear all the details. He went to work at a law firm uptown, while I barely scrape by representing children in family court matters out of a sparsely-furnished office downtown.

  “Char, when are you going to come work with me? You could have your pick of private-pay clients.”

  Because so many children qualified for representation paid by the state, there was more work than attorneys. I labor under the delusion I’m doing something meaningful.

  “I’m fine right where I am.” The last thing I want to do is owe David a favor.

  He rolls his eyes but holds out his arm. “518 Prime?”

  “For lunch?” A meal there can cost more than my damn car payment.

  “I’m buying. I hear Judge Oak lunches there and I want to run into him to discuss a CLE the firm’s organizing.”