They're So Vein (The Grateful Undead series)

by Susan Stec

  "Go put on one of Nanna's Depends," Zaire said. "You're gonna shit yourself when you see your mother."

  "She made me wet my pants," JoAnn added in a small voice.

  "Susabella! Get your new ass down here!" my mother yelled. "This, I got to see."

  My mouth began to salivate. Christ, I'm gonna bite one of them. I don't know if I can stop myself. Maybe they should all put crosses around their necks. Wal-Mart is open 24/7, isn't it? I could suggest they go buy some. Hell, a truckload of them. Shame they don't sell coffins.

  I sucked in all the air in the hallway, got up, let it out, padded down the stairs and peeked around the refrigerator.

  They all sat at the oak picnic table on the other side of breakfast bar that separated the kitchen from the dining room, a coffee cup in front of each of them. The blood coursing through their veins sounded like an amplified wave machine.

  "Did ya fall in? I'm not waiting all night!" my mom shouted.

  "She's not shitting Nanna. She's taking a shower," Zaire said, and laughed.

  I shuddered and stepped into the kitchen.

  Everyone turned in my direction. No one said a word. Everyone's heartbeat kicked up a notch.

  Jack Nicholson's face popped into my head, his eyes bulging, ax in hand. "Heeere's Johnny." My fangs dropped.

  Jeni gasped.

  Resi got up, leaned over the breakfast bar and sucked the tension right out of the room. "How can something so horrific look so damn good?" She ran her hand across her head and flattened her bleached-blonde flattop, but it had so much hairspray in it that it bounced back into place the minute she let it go. "Your ass looks tighter than mine, damn it."

  "She looks like a blow up doll humped back to life," my mother announced. A face full of wrinkles rested on a skeletal hand, her other arm splayed across the table, knotty fingers drumming on the table in front of her. "Would I look that young if she sucked on me?"

  So much for scaring them. My fangs magically slid back into my gums. I really needed to work on these babies.

  "This… this… it's past crazy - that's what it is," Jeni ground out, a look of horror on her chubby face as realization set in. "How the hell could this happen?"

  I quickly answered, "Some little kid bit me in a public restroom. Next thing I know, Tootles is hanging from my new teeth."

  No one said a word, so I walked over and poured myself a cup of coffee, trying to act nonchalant.

  "Your teeth aren't getting anywhere near my throat again, I tell you!" JoAnn’s chocolate brown eyes narrowed as she reached for a Bic lighter on the table and flicked it on, extending it in my direction.

  Okay, so now I really want to bite the bitch! I glared at JoAnn with a firm grip on my cup.

  Zaire started giggling. "Put down the lighter before you burn yourself, 'cuz that ain't gonna do shit to her."

  "Can she drink that coffee or will she puke if she does?" Mom asked.

  "Does anyone else think this is absurd?" Jeni's eyes were the size of two quarters. "It's a damn fantasy book nightmare. She has blood-sucking fangs for crying out loud, and you three are acting like we have a new pet. Who is this damn kid? And can he take it back?"

  My gums tingled. "Calm down, Jeni. When you get all excited…I get-"

  Resi bubbled with chaotic laughter, then pointed at her sister. "Take it back! That's a good one, Jen!" Then she got all smarty-pants like. "Nanna, she can eat and drink that coffee, although she doesn't have to. All she needs is blood." Resi looked straight at me, her green eyes sparkling. "And as soon as she finishes her coffee, I want her to make me one."

  "You get what, Susan? What do you get when Jeni gets upset?" JoAnn whimpered, still on the last page.

  "I get all hungry. Hungry for blood." I studied JoAnn's throat and edged toward the end of the counter. "And make your own damn coffee, Resi."

  "Not coffee, Mom. A Vampire."

  My eyes jerked in her direction. That took all of five minutes.

  "This can't be happening!" Jeni shouted, slipping her arm around JoAnn.

  Mom got up and walked over to the coffee table in the living room. I ignored her and pranced around the counter.

  "So you really want me to bite'cha?" I teased with a small self-conscious giggle. My damn stomach growled for attention.

  "Bring it on be-otch." Resi tilted her head with a cocky smile, causing Jeni and JoAnn to gasp.

  "What if I kill you?" I asked, watching her pulse pump in her throat.

  "Just drink your coffee and then bite my fucking neck."

  "I'm here for ya baby," Zaire said, as her eyes jumped from me to Resi.

  My mother's voice floated into the dining room. "Yeah, a coffin. Do you have one with a camouflage pattern?"

  Everyone's head jerked in the direction of the living room.

  "No, I can't wait for a special order," Mom snapped. "I need one by sun up. Do you deliver?"

  Resi sprinted into the living room and yanked the phone out of my mother's hand. Her brows fought each other for the center of her forehead. "Sorry… um… my grandmother has Alzheimer's and she hasn't been taking her meds."

  Mom slapped her on the back of the head. "A fongoul! I have more brain cells than all of you put together! I don't want her ass going up in flames before she bites me!"

  Resi glared at her. "Christ, can't you be a bit sympathetic? I'm sooo sorry if she got your ass out of bed in the middle of the night for nothing." She dramatically clicked the disconnect button on the phone and turned to my mother. "What the hell were you thinking? You can't just window-shop for a coffin! And she doesn't need one anyway. The sun won't kill her."

  Mom hit the inside of her elbow with the side of her other hand and flipped her granddaughter the bird, then ambled over to the table and sat back down. "Bite the bitch, Susan. Let's see if it works."

  "She is not biting anyone!" Jeni started hyperventilating.

  "I don't want to bite her," I lied, drool dripping down my chin.

  "That's it. I'm getting my Bible and the cross over my bed," JoAnn said. "You even get close to her neck and I'll put a tattoo on your forehead. I mean it, Susan! I watched that Dracula movie! I know what works." She frowned at Zaire.

  I whipped my head in her direction and hissed. My fangs slipped from my gums. JoAnn cringed.

  "A cross?" Zaire giggled. "Go get it. I want to see you try that." She laughed out loud. "You're really outta the loop, Aunt JoAnn."

  So much for the idea of sending them to Wal-Mart for crosses. I mentally crossed them and the coffin off my to-do list.

  "Okay, Mother! Just suck those teeth right back in your mouth and let's pump the brakes a minute, people. She is not going off willy-nilly, turning out more dead women with fangs!" Jeni put both hands on her well-supplied hips, her gray eyes shooting daggers at me. "You don't even know what the hell you're doing!"

  I gulped, my fangs retracted, and I wanted to run and hide somewhere, but I couldn't take my eyes off Resi's throat.

  "Oh shut up, Jennifer," my mother ordered. "I want to be young again! Bite her, Susan. Let's see if it works. I'm old as dirt, and if this vampire thing can make you look like that, I want a piece of it." Mom studied me with excited anticipation. Her sable eyes flashed mischievously. Spandex covered her scrawny body. Slate gray hair tucked under a black headband running across her wrinkled forehead stuck out in every direction.

  Shit! The louder they get, the faster their heart's beat, and the more I want…

  "Nanna, sweetie," Jeni pointed at the laptop on the table, her other hand rising and falling over her generous chest with each rapid breath she took. "Let's do a little research on the Internet and educate ourselves with something other than dime store literature before she does something really stupid."

  "Give it up Jeni. I want to die tonight," Resi said.

  With a matter of fact nod and a wave, my mother dislodged herself from the picnic table. Her feet, clad in tennis shoes, slid across the wood floor to the end of the table. She stood with her hand
s on her bony hips, directly under a deer head mounted on the wall. The tongue lolling from its mouth really added a bit of comedy to the moment.

  "Let's get this show on the road," my mother said.

  My stomach convulsed. My head pounded. I want blood, anyone's blood. I'm gonna kill one of them and I can't stop myself.

  "Hold it, damn it!" Gold highlights that etched Jeni's severe red bob whipped her cheeks as she jerked her head around to face me. "You don't even know if this is possible!"

  "It's possible," Zaire said.

  "It sure is," Resi agreed as she stepped a little closer to me.

  How do you know? How do you know it's possible? All I know is I'm gonna bite one of you any minute! "Where's the red trash bag?" I asked, my eyes frantically searching the room.

  "You don't need it," Zaire answered.

  "Everyone back it up and hit rewind. What if she kills one of you?" Jeni asked, then tried another angle. "And even if she can do this, there's a lot to consider here. Mom doesn't even look the same. How do we explain all the new residents to the neighbors?" Jeni's thin lips formed a tight line disappearing between her nose and chin.

  I started taking shallow breaths, my eyes jutting from one neck to the other. I'm dying here! Somebody shut her up before I latch on to the closest warm body.

  My mother took up the slack. "Screw the neighbors. Most of them are a damn hemorrhoid on the inside of my ass anyway! I've been sitting around waiting for death for the last ten years, hell twenty, and just like President Bush, I am The Decider." My mother stared challengingly at Jeni.

  I swear I could feel my own heart hammering in my chest. I thought vampires didn't have a heartbeat.

  "Blood! Blood! Blood! It's sickening!" JoAnn blurted. "And…and… she can't just gorge herself sucking on all of you. What if it kills her for Chr… heaven's sake?"

  Resi's laughter came out in high-pitched little jerks. "She's already dead, and I don't believe I've read anywhere, in any of my books, that you can kill a vampire with blood."

  I'm dead. I'm dead and my body is screaming for their blood.

  Resi slapped the counter and I jumped. Letting out a sarcastic sigh, she waved her arms at me. "She's immortal. That means forever. We'll all be dead and dust before we know it, and she'll look just like that…" Her hand pumped up and down the length of my body. "…for eternity…" She paused for effect, looking at each of the other women. "…and THAT is something we all have to think about."

  An eternity? Without them? I can't watch them die! Who the shit am I kidding? I'm standing here salivating.

  "Ah, vanity," Jeni said sarcastically. "So that's what this is really all about. Let's all just ignore the fact that she's already killed the family pet for a firm body."

  I wonder if cursing God for his humorous answer to my prayers would be appropriate at the moment.

  "And what if she kills one of you?" JoAnn whimpered, holding her ears.

  "There is that," Jeni said with a nasty smile.

  "She can do it," Zaire gave me an encouraging smile.

  My head started to spin. My stomach clenched with pain. My ears echoed with every heartbeat I heard.

  "How the hell do you know that?" Jeni asked.

  "I say we take a vote," Mom announced, raising her hand. "All in favor."

  "A vote? A vote? Jesus H Christ," JoAnn shrieked hysterically. "This is crazy. I am not going to live with a bunch of blood sucking zombies!"

  "Okay, enough with all the bullshit," Resi said. "I'm ready to die. So either drink the damn coffee or put it down and suck some blood. From right here." Resi pointed to her neck, shoving it in front of my face.

  My breath caught in my throat.

  JoAnn ran to the book basket on the floor by the couch, shuffled through them and pulled out Every Which Way But Dead. "Here, at least read this and see how to do it right."

  Zaire laughed. "Good choice, Aunt JoAnn, I'm sure it's in there somewhere. Why don't you start reading and let us know when you find it."

  Resi grinned at her and then turned to me. "All you have to do is suck a little of my blood and then let me drink some of yours."

  "Done deal," Zaire added.

  "Start sucking, Mom," Resi said.

  I looked into my daughter's eyes. I could feel the air in the room fill everyone's lungs and stay there as my fangs popped out of my gums.

  My mind screamed for me to walk away, but my mouth filled with saliva. My eyes slid to Resi's throat. I heard her blood flowing through her veins in short quick thumps. My stomach sounded like an angry tiger. If I don't turn away now it's going to be too late.

  The smell of excitement mixed with fear wafted toward my nostrils. Just suck a little blood and give a little back. That's what Resi said, right?

  I drew closer. My heart started pounding and I was scared shitless. I pulled her neck to my mouth and dug in.

  Jeni screamed.

  "Holy shit," Zaire yelled, locking eyes with mine as she jumped over the top of the table. She slid to a halt, standing directly in front of me. I began to draw on my younger daughter's throat. "Easy Mom, not too much," she said, sounding like one druggie instructing another. I shuddered and took another swallow.

  "Oh, God, I can't watch!" JoAnn made a hurp-hurp sound.

  "Stop her, Zaire," Jeni cried, hugging JoAnn.

  "She's doing just fine," Zaire said. I heard her heartbeat kick up about ten notches.

  How much? How much do I have to take?

  "Just till you hear my heart slow, Mom," Resi said in a soft whisper, like she was reading my mind, her eyes flashing to Zaire as she spoke drowsily, "ssss gon-nna beee finnn, baby."

  "Get the hell out of my way!" My mother pushed Zaire aside. "How do you feel Resi? Is there a lot of pain?"

  A voice in my head screamed with every beat of Resi's heart; Don't kill her. Don't kill her. Don't kill her.

  My idiot sister made it hard for me to concentrate. "I'm gonna be…oh God…oh God…" JoAnn, her hand over her mouth, gagged her way around the kitchen counter. I heard her retching into the sink.

  "Don't kill her, Susan. Take it slow. I'm sure you'll get the hang of it." My mother leaned over our faces with an eager grin, her instructions hanging in my gut like a midnight snack of nachos.

  Jeni stood frozen in horror as I listened to my sister puking.

  I shut my eyes in an attempt to shut out my mother's anxious face as she leaned in asking questions. "What does it taste like? It doesn't make you want to gag does it?"

  Her heartbeat is slowing down. Damn it, waaake up!

  "I think she's getting drunk on the stuff." Mom breathed right in my face. "Look at her. Someone better stop her. Christ, I'm glad she's practicing on her first."

  My nostrils flared. Mom's breath smelled like a dirty cat box. Can't one of you grab her for Christ sake! I can't concentrate! I was frantic. I couldn't seem to stop.

  The garbage disposal came to life behind me, jarring me back to reality. I popped my eyes open to see Zaire's concerned face, my fangs still implanted in Resi's neck.

  "That's enough, Mom," Zaire cautioned.

  "I'll say. Jesus, she's sucking her like my old Hoover." My mother tried to pull me away. I swung at her, slapping her in the face.

  I could kill my daughter right now, just as easy as swatting a mosquito.

  "MOTHER! STOP THIS IMMEDIATLY!" Jeni's strong voice resonated through the turmoil in my mind.

  I jerked away from Resi's throat and fell back against the counter. Resi slid to the floor with a moan. I ran a hand across my lips and watched her body go limp. I could hear my sister panting in the kitchen.

  "Okay, okay, okay. I think maybe everyone better stand back," my mother said. She back-pedaled, shaking her head, hand over her mouth, eyes locked on Resi.

  Jeni put her arms around Nanna. Tears streamed down her cheeks.

  My mind franticly searched for answers. Did her heart stop while I was drinking? Is she still breathing? Oh God!

  "Oh, fucking sh
it, goddamn it. She's killed her own daughter." JoAnn was back on the bus of obscenities as she ran around the counter, and stumbled to a stop in front of Resi. "I knew this would happen! I just knew it! Somebody do something! NOW!"

  "Does she have a pulse? Oh God, is my sister dead?" Jeni whimpered.

  Zaire placed her fingers on my daughter's throat and the world stood still.

  ~~~~

  Chapter Five

  ~~~~

  Paul arrived at the park just before sunrise. He slid his Corvette into a vacant lot on the opposite side of the street, got out and headed for the restroom.

  Spotting a place to shift, Paul ducked behind a cluster of trees on the side of the building and removed his clothes. Almost immediately his body began the transformation. He jerked and writhed under a soft rain in the pre-dawn humidity.

  Face, hands, and feet disappeared - paws and muzzle taking their place as he moaned and groaned with the change. In a matter of minutes he was no longer a tall, well-muscled man with crystal blue eyes and long black hair.

  He stood on four paws, lifted his hind leg and a small yellow stream fell to the ground at the base of one of the trees. He kicked up grass with his hind legs and leapt toward the restroom, head bobbing, nostrils flaring.

  Inside the door he stopped, shaking himself free of the tiny droplets covering his jet-black fur. Alert blue eyes darted about the area. Lowering his head, sniffing, he licked a few drops of blood on the tiled floor and whimpered.

  Padding through the restroom, his long tongue lolled out the side of his mouth as he carefully hugged the wall, avoiding the blood spatter on the floor. He came to a stop and his eyes darted around the wheelchair stall in the back of the bathroom, a low growl vibrating in his chest.

  Lowering his front quarter, he leaned behind the toilet, sniffing the floor. He snorted, his forepaw pecking at something behind the lavatory.

  Paul whined, pushing his muzzle in the small space behind the porcelain, nosing a woman's handbag on the floor. Gently he wrapped his teeth around the handle, picking it up. He backed out, setting it down outside the stall.

  He padded back to the other side of the toilet, sniffing and rubbing his snout on a trail of blood on the wall. Growling deep in his throat, he turned, snorted, and nosed the changing table. He snorted again, trotted out of the stall, his snout in the air, sniffing, head turned slightly. Shaking from muzzle to tail, he leaned down, secured the handbag in his mouth, and quickly pranced through the restroom and out into the night air.