They're So Vein (The Grateful Undead series)

by Susan Stec

  "DO IT NOW!" I shouted.

  Jeni grabbed the keys to the jeep off the wall and headed for the garage.

  Resi entered the hall, kicked on her bedroom door and yelled Zaire's name as she ran up the kitchen steps past Jeni. She tossed me my rifle, a 260 Rugar, Leupold scope attached, and shoved a handful of rounds at me.

  She turned and tossed my Remington .22-caliber rifle at Zaire as she entered the kitchen in silk pajamas, her mouth hanging open in an unspoken question.

  "The raccoon is back and he's brought friends." Resi pulled the bolt back and loaded rounds into my .72 gauge, Big Kodiak Express shotgun, her pockets bulging with shells.

  "A bit of an overkill, that." I pointed at the shotgun.

  Resi put on an evil grin. "There's a gator out there! He's mine, baby!"

  "Oh, hell yes! An F'n gator with fangs!" Zaire grabbed for the shotgun. "Gimmie that bad-boy!"

  "I think not!" Resi held on to the double barrel shotgun like her life depended on it.

  Zaire started to argue, looked at the weapon in her hands, loaded the clip, then headed for the door with the Remington rifle. Having the only rapid-fire weapon, she could shoot up the front yard in a heartbeat.

  "So what the hell do I get?" my mother, the sore on the center of my ass, asked.

  Resi reached behind her, pulled my small .38 Smith and Wesson handgun out of the waistband of her jeans and handed it to my mother. I figured with only five rounds, we'd be somewhat safe. I'd never seen Mom shoot, but at least she wasn't packing too much of a punch.

  I walked passed Zaire and opened the front door slowly. I stretched, leaning around the cement wall separating me from the front of the house where all the ruckus was coming from.

  Three gray squirrels were standing on each other's shoulders, balancing on top of the raccoon. Evidently, finding the cement wall hard to scale and no nearby trees to leap from, had encouraged their creativity.

  "Okay, easy does it," I whispered. "They're all under the window. I say we…"

  "F-that!" Zaire ran past, grinned at Resi, then scattered leaves and dirt as she sent bullets flying around the yard.

  The platoon from hell scattered.

  "So much for surprising them, Susabellaluna," Mom said, grinning at me as she sidled by. I wanted to grab her by the throat.

  ~~~~

  Gibbie flew out of the fireplace the minute the women went out the front door. He buzzed over to the man on the floor, landed on his chest, and then strutted up to his neck and began to search for bite marks. He was studying the two circular wounds on Max's neck when he heard scratching and chattering inside the house.

  Three squirrels ran into the living room, their paws frantically scraping the polished oak floor as they slid by. They headed for the closed sliding-glass doors and abruptly plastered themselves against the glass, sliding to the floor, little arms out-stretched.

  One of the squirrels shook its head, eyes shining, and pointed to the open kitchen window over the sink. All three scrambled up the barstools by the breakfast counter. They scampered out the pass-through, dropping to the cement floor on the porch.

  Gibbie watched as they scurried to the back door and made their way out through the hole in the screen. He followed after them, on his way to find Paul.

  ~~~~

  With animals running around the front yard, Zaire was shooting up dirt all over the place.

  The gator batted the rat with its tail, sending it flying to the overhang outside JoAnn's window where it landed against the glass, paws flailing for purchase. JoAnn's silently screaming face provided a humorous backdrop.

  Resi took her first shot and flew backwards, landing on her ass, shaking her head. She took aim again and sent another blast, blowing dirt all over the gator's tail as it ran for the lake.

  I knew gators could move fast, but this one shot off like it had a rocket powered asshole. It streaked for the lake, disappearing under the dock. Something rolled in the water and a small wake followed whatever it was toward the cypress trees. I took aim but thought of the playful otters and couldn't shoot.

  Something darted in my peripheral vision and I spotted the raccoon. It headed for some scrub on the other side of the driveway. I followed it with the barrel of my rifle, its right shoulder in my crosshairs. I flipped off the safety, squeezing the trigger slowly, and took the shot. The raccoon leapt ten-feet in the air, somersaulted, landed on his feet and scampered out of sight.

  "Shit, are we hitting anything?'" I watched as it ran out the other side of the bush.

  "I did," Mom yelled. "But the bugger healed right in front of me.

  "I think we have to put a bullet in the head or heart!" I shouted.

  Meanwhile, Zaire was shooting at everything that moved, sending immortal squirrels running in all directions.

  Mom—gun in both outstretched hands—bent at the knees, one eye closed, followed a rat as it rolled off the roof, landing in the grass. It headed for a cluster of trees in the middle of the yard. She took three shots. One sent wood chips flying, the other two kicked up dirt. The rat scampered behind a tree.

  Zaire pointed the Remington up into the tree and emptied her clip. Three squirrels dropped to the ground. She strutted toward them, a big smile on her face. She got about two feet from the first one and it rolled into a ball, jumped and ran. Zaire growled, the trigger of her empty rifle clicking helplessly. "I hit that one. Damn it!"

  I looked around the yard for something to shoot at. Not an animal in sight.

  All barrels turned toward the front door as JoAnn came bounding from the house shouting, "Why didn't you help me! They scratched the heck out of my door. Did you kill the raccoon?"

  ~~~~

  Dorius paced in front of the speaker phone on his desk, listening to Paul as he tried to dissuade him from sending out his Hunters to bring in the five immortal women.

  "How can you justify picking them up, Dorius? They haven't displayed any rogue behaviors. Gibbie reported nothing more than the immortal women drinking from animals on the property. What exactly has Warren reported?"

  "The troll said they had a shoot-out with some wildlife in the front yard."

  "What the hell does that buy us?"

  Dorius took in a deep breath and leered at the phone. He paid special attention to his well-manicured fingernails, biting at a stray cuticle. "Damn it, I know these women had something to do with the woman's death." He spit a piece of dead skin onto the red carpet in front of his desk.

  "Have there been any mortals at the house?" Paul asked.

  Dorius buffed his nails across the cuff of his pristine linen shirt. His eyes went from their usual deep blue to almost black. "Just a couple of old men and a woman passing out religious brochures."

  "Did they drink from them?" Paul asked.

  "No." Dorius walked behind his desk.

  "What would you like me to bring them in for? A shoot out with a bunch of rodents on their own property? I would highly discourage that. We're not fish and game wardens. What are you going to tell Marcus?"

  Dorius sat in his chair, laying both hands on his desk, his fingers dancing as if they were playing a piano. "I want you to introduce yourself, Paul. I mean really introduce yourself. Get my drift?"

  Paul let out a long breath. "And…"

  "And, Dennis sent another warning letter. They evidently tossed the first one I sent. You make sure they get this one. Instruct them to call the Miami office and set up an appointment to answer Christopher's charges within twenty-four hours of its arrival. I will also expect them to order blood. If they do not respond this time, I think I can talk Marcus into letting me fly out and pick them up. Can you manage a few pictures? I'd like to see what we're working with."

  "I can do that."

  Dorius disconnected the call and hit another button on the phone.

  "Yes, Mr. Morizzio?"

  "Get Christopher in here.'

  "Yes sir."

  Dorius reached in his desk, pulling out his iPod. He scanned th
rough several selections, finally choosing one. The weeping sound of a saxophone floated to his ears as a soulful woman whispered, 'Strangers in the Night'. Dorius closed his eyes, leaning back in his chair.

  A few minutes later Christopher strutted into the office, leading a large German Shepherd by a short leash attached to the animal's studded black collar.

  "Buster! Sit!" The dog immediately sat down at his feet, its head reaching to Christopher's shoulder.

  "I've told you that dog belongs in the kennel. Not in the offices. Take him into the hall and I'll have Buffy pick him up immediately." Dorius shut off the iPod.

  "Buster goes where I go. Don't worry, he's house broken." Christopher sat in the chair opposite Dorius. The dog followed. "Buster! Down!" The dog sat at the foot of the chair. Christopher pulled a pack of Virginia Slims out of his pocket and started to light one.

  "Don't even think about it, Christopher." Dorius leaned over the desk, pulling it from his mouth when Christopher flicked his Bic lighter in defiance. Dorius tossed the unlit cigarette in the trashcan by the desk, glaring at Christopher.

  "What do you want, Dorius? I got better things to do than listen to your shit." Christopher tried to cross his jean clad legs, gave up and scooted back in the chair placing the leash on his lap. Buster softly growled.

  Dorius sneered at Christopher. "We found the immortal women. They don't seem to be acting like rogues. They're new, Christopher. Brand-new. Someone just turned them. Do you want to tell me what really happened?"

  Christopher jumped from the chair, jerked the dog to attention and started toward the door. "I told you what happened."

  "And it doesn't quite gel."

  Christopher grinned and patted the dog's head. "Piss on you, Dorius."

  Buster lifted his leg and drained his bladder on the chair leg.

  Christopher smiled and walked out the door, Buster at his heals.

  "Don't you walk out on me, you little shit!"

  "Fuck you, Dorius."

  ~~~~

  Chapter Fifteen

  ~~~~

  Gibbie spotted Paul lying on the ground, knees bent, one arm tucked under his head, chewing on a piece of white clover. He flew in jerky, hummingbird motions, stopped abruptly an inch from Paul's nose and treaded air.

  "I know that look, Gibbie. What don't you want to tell me?"

  "I like them Paul… and basically they're all good women… well… maybe not JoAnn, but..."

  "I'm listening." Paul tossed the clover on the grass beside him, sat up, and leaned back on his hands.

  Gibbie landed on a cypress knee at the edge of the water a few feet away. "Well, it's a couple of things and Dorius can hang them on both of them. Damn it, and I gotta tell ya, the damn troll saw half of it. I dusted his hard ass. Probably won't even faze him but it was fun watching him rub his ugly eyes."

  "I told you to leave the troll alone. Dorius will not be amused."

  "I'm not worried about Dorius."

  "Accomplices are not dealt with kindly. Remember that. Dorius has a lot of power."

  "You gonna help me or not?" Gibbie placed one hand on his hip, the other held the hilt of a small, silver sword hanging from a sheath on his belt.

  "Dorius wants me to introduce myself." Paul leaned with his elbow in the grass. "He ordered me to make it clear that the last warning letter is on its way. Then it won't matter what you know, will it? Because if they don't respond, he's flying here from Italy."

  "You've got to help them, Paul!" Gibbie jerked up and down in the air, his wings buzzing.

  "I don't have to do anything of the kind. Whatever they did, they did on their own."

  "But they didn't ask for this," Gibbie squeaked out. He always sounded like he'd taken a hit off a helium balloon when he was excited. "They don't know what they're capable of."

  Paul's chest rumbled.

  "Alright… Alright…" Gibbie squawked. "Here's the deal. One of them - I think JoAnn - did I tell you I don't like her?"

  "Yes. Several times, in several ways," Paul said through clenched teeth.

  "Shit! You aren't going to believe this, but here it is - I think JoAnn turned a raccoon and the raccoon has made vamp-friends."

  "I am not playing with you fairy," Paul warned.

  "I told you it was hard to believe, but I saw the fangs. They're immortal, red eyes and all."

  "That's not possible and you know it." Paul pulled a small flask from his pocket, shaking it between two fingers. "Tupelo honey. Fess up Fairy. I have more where this came from."

  "Nanna's drinking from men and having sex with them," Gibbie rapid fired, eyeing the honey.

  "Has she killed anyone?" Paul was on his feet, headed for the house.

  "I'm not sure." Gibbie flew after him. "But she brought a mortal man home this morning. He left alive. In fact, the women rescued him from the vamp-animals. It might have been one of the animals that bit him."

  "You don't lie well, Fairy." Paul lengthened his strides. Gibbie had no trouble keeping up.

  "Just observe them. You'll see. Don't hurt them, Paul. Well, you can take a chunk out of JoAnn's ass. I'd bite her myself if I could."

  "Dorius wants me to record them. I'm gonna need your help, so meet me after I huff and puff and blow their front door down." Paul ran toward his car, pulling off his cloths on the way.

  Gibbie bolted for the house.

  ~~~~

  The minute we got Max out of the house - none the wiser, and on his way - I let Mom have it. "You can't go around sucking on mortals! And you sure as hell can't bring them to our home! Enough is enough! You're gonna have the cops at our door."

  "I can't help it," Mom whined. "I need human blood or I get diarrhea, blurry vision, and the damn voices in my head drive me nuts. Sex keeps me from killing them."

  Before I could knock the voices right out of her head, the doorbell rang.

  JoAnn jumped up on top of the breakfast bar in one fluid movement. "The raccoon is back!"

  Resi did an about-face and headed for the front door, Zaire two steps behind her.

  "And you think he'd ring our doorbell?" Mom shook her head and slapped the picnic table as she sat down. "You're such an idiot."

  "Don't change the subject, Mom! I 'm sick and tired-"

  "May I help you?" Resi asked, loud enough to shut me up.

  I shook my finger at my mother. "We're not done discussing this." She smiled and wiggled her fingers at me as I turned away.

  "I'm from TransLine Express Delivery," a man's voice announced. "I have the five coffins you ordered."

  "Are you kidding me?" Zaire said, as I came up behind her.

  I noticed my mother wasn't following. "What coffins? We didn't order any coffins."

  "Is this the Stech residence?" the man asked, reading his clipboard.

  "Yes, but this must be a joke," I mumbled. "No one died here."

  In the dining room, Jeni burst into laughter. I ignored her, waiting for the man to answer.

  "But they were paid for with… hold on… let me look… here it is, Concetta Stech's credit card. And she paid for a rush delivery."

  "There's been a lot of stolen identity shit going on," Mom yelled from the living room. "I see it on the news every day."

  "I just love you, Nan." Jeni was still laughing.

  "The order form states that … um… give me a minute… yes, that Graveyard Productions is making a movie and needs them for props?"

  I sucked in air through my teeth. "Oh, the props… yes, sorry, that would be my… um… sister… um, well, she didn't inform us that they would be delivered to our home address. Can you put them in the garage?"

  "Sure can, just show me the way."

  As I walked out of the house, I noticed a large dog surveying us with angry blue eyes from a cluster of bushes right near the front door. Coal black fur prickled on the back of its neck. Ears back against its head, it lowered its muzzle, a deep rumble in its chest.

  "Does he bite?" the delivery man asked.

 
"I don't know. Let's just move slowly toward the garage."

  The man scurried off, throwing glances back at the dog. The dog didn't move so I followed, making a mental note to check it out as soon as I got back.

  After two men unloaded the caskets and drove away in the delivery truck, I bolted back to the front of the house, no dog in site. I opened the door, stepped into the foyer, and immediately saw my family standing in the living room in a circle, the big black dog snarling in the center.

  "How the hell did he get in here?" I joined the circle.

  "I thought he might be hungry," JoAnn said. "And since Tootles-"

  The dog growled. I growled.

  Zaire's fangs slipped out.

  "Don't worry, fella, they don't bite." JoAnn held her hands at her stomach and leaned over the dog. "Are you hungry, sweetie? I bet you'd look cute all cleaned up with a nice dog collar. I'm gonna call you Buddy. Would you like that?"

  I rolled my eyes so far up, I almost fell backwards.

  Zaire grabbed the poker off the hearth and stepped forward. "Get over it, JoAnn. He smells like shit. He isn't staying."

  "Don't hurt him." Jeni grabbed Zaire's arm. "Look at him, he's beautiful."

  I glanced at the open door, thinking maybe we could shoo him out.

  Zaire poked at him. "Go! Out! Scat!"

  The dog backed around in circles, snarling at her. Then he began to vibrate.

  We all stood, slack-jawed, as his body seemed to break and bend with horrendous speed; paws disappeared, hands and feet taking their place. His face shook violently as it turned from hair to skin. A nose appeared where a snout had been only seconds ago.

  The dog was gone. A gorgeous six foot tall man with twinkling blue eyes stood before us, completely naked. Long black hair fell in waves over his smooth tan shoulders, and full lips displayed a cocky grin on a chiseled face.

  "Holy shit! It's a werewolf!" Resi yelled.

  "Will ya look at the size of that thing." Mom pointed at his manhood sticking straight up in the center of a mass of black curls.