They're So Vein (The Grateful Undead series)

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They're So Vein (The Grateful Undead series) Page 15

by Susan Stec


  Buster dripped and tracked sand along the black slate floors as Christopher swaggered toward them. He looked like a regurgitated billboard advertisement for Panama Jack, dressed in a pair of bright orange jams covered in large white magnolias. A long, brightly beaded piece of leather tied around his waist, hung to his knees and swayed as he walked. A royal blue shirt littered with palm trees hung open, showing off his skinny chest as his flip-flops squeegeed along on the floor.

  "I caught some sick waves out there, man. It's hard trying not to swallow the chowder, you follow? You kooks grubbing already? Choka, dudes! You need to wipe-out those junk-yard-dogs. Buster! Sit!"

  Buster sat.

  ~~~~

  Chapter Twenty

  ~~~~

  I sat on the back porch with JoAnn, Zaire, and Resi, sucking blood bags while watching the sun float down through lazy gray clouds toward the opposite shoreline. Jeni was in the kitchen dishing out ice cream and Mom was making obnoxious suggestions to a contestant on 'Wheel of Fortune' in the living room.

  I frowned at my sister's slurping noises as she finished her bag of blood.

  The first shipment of blood had arrived yesterday, and no longer having to hunt for deer, JoAnn was elated. She'd plucked another plastic bag of blood out of the shipped package, stuck a bendy straw into it and sucked like a contented kid with a bloody juice box. The rest of us used our fangs.

  Mom yelled from the living room, "Hey guys, four big ass dudes just got out of a limo at the front gate. One of them has a bolt cutter in his hand."

  We all skidded into the living room and came to a stop in front of the surveillance monitor we'd just had installed.

  "Shit, there goes our new padlock. Anybody got any ideas?" I asked, staring at the four men at our front gate.

  Jeni calmly walked out of the kitchen and pulled a spoon out of her mouth. "Why don't we all go for ride? JoAnn and I packed the boat. We can be on the lake before they get to the front door."

  Sounded good to me.

  Jeni put her bowl of ice cream down and took Mom's arm, coaxing her toward the back porch. We all moved quickly toward the screen door.

  "Jennifer, why in the hell couldn't you have come up with something other than escape by water? I am not getting in that damn boat." Mom wiggled her arm out of Jeni's grasp only to have both Zaire and Resi snag her by each elbow, swinging her between them as they leapt down the porch steps.

  "Suck it up, sweetie. The Morizzio boys got dibs on the only other exit," Jeni said, and stepped through the screen door.

  "Damn, look at that dragonfly." I pointed as it zipped by my head, heading for the boat.

  Susan, it's just like you to notice a damn bug when we're about to get our throats slit, JoAnn pushed at me as she ran out the screen door behind me.

  "Get out of my head, JoAnn," I growled, running down the steps.

  Everyone momentarily jerked to a halt at the sound of wood splintering. Then we all headed for the dock like a gator was nipping at our asses.

  "Shit, move it, Mom," I spat, dodging my mother and the girls. I landed on the patio at breakneck speed, running for the dock.

  My mother screeched, "Damn it Jeni, I am not drowning today!" Her feet bicycled between Zaire and Resi as they carried her down the wooded dock toward the boat.

  "Honey, you're already dead, remember?" Jeni, bringing up the rear, hobbled down the dock toward us.

  I stood with the boat lines in my hands and saw a tall blond man circle the side of the house. "Mom, quit fighting them and get in the damn boat!"

  "Where the hell is my Valium when I need it?" Mom gasped, eyes filled with terror, her body rigid as the girls, literally, tossed her in the bow, jumping in after her.

  Jeni and JoAnn stepped in after them.

  I threw the lines in, pushed the Pro-Line away from the dock and jumped into the bow as the blond immortal stepped onto the edge of the long wooden walkway connected to the dock.

  I made my way to the back of the boat, watching three other men run across the patio. All four of them walked to the edge of the dock as the boat slowly motored fifteen feet away. I wiggled my fingers at them, but stopped laughing abruptly when I saw little beady red eyes heading around the house toward the immortals.

  "Holy shit!" I pointed at the dock.

  "Let's move it!" Resi yelled over the noise of the outboard motor, nudging Zaire on the shoulder.

  Zaire hit the throttle and the boat shot off. She made a big circle about twenty feet from the dock, kicking up a nice wake.

  Behind the men, two raccoons, several squirrels, a red fox, three rats, a possum, a porcupine and an armadillo, all with glittering red eyes, strutted their way across the cement patio. A gator emerged from the lake grass beside the dock, eyes hooded; studying the four immortals as it silently made its way toward the shoreline. The men watched us, unaware.

  "Friggin'-A, man!" Zaire yelled, eyeing the motley crew. "I think we should stay and fight with the vamp brigade.

  "JoAnn and I loaded all your weapons in the compartment in the bow," Jeni announced. "Just in case." She smiled at me from the bow.

  "We have an arsenal in this boat?" Zaire made another sweep, turning the boat around in front of the dock. "Oh, hell yes! I got dibs on the big-daddy shotgun this time."

  The immortals didn't look happy. I was kinda' hoping they'd turn around and see the freaks of nature flanking the deck behind them. "Let's not pull out the firearms just yet," I suggested, getting a loud grunt from Zaire.

  My eyes skipped a little tango across the two men's faces we'd seen in the video. Dorius was filled with rage. That made me smile. Then I locked eyes with Marcus. My undead heart jumped in my throat, my naughty bits did a little dance, and the hair on my arms stood at attention while each little follicle tingled.

  I heard masculine, bellowing laughter in my head.

  Marcus was grinning at me, his eyes shining, his jeans way too tight, and his body way too sexy. I wanted to kiss that grin right off his face. God, he was beautiful.

  The gator waddled down the dock. All four immortals jerked around when it opened its mouth and hissed.

  JoAnn grabbed the window of the dashboard for dear life when Zaire hit the gas, turned the wheel starboard, and threw all of us port side.

  On the dock, the gator swiftly moved toward the vampires.

  As usual, JoAnn was humping my mind like Tootles joy riding the leg of the recliner. Son-of-a-bitch! We're going to capsize! The boat is on its side!

  I sucked in a breath and shot a scowl at her tight lips; she gave me nasty eyebrows.

  The engine sped up. I grabbed for the motor, the transom, anything that flew by me as the boat turned in circles on the choppy lake.

  Zaire pumped one hand in the air and shouted, "Let's see you exterminate a vamp-gator you blood-sucking bastards. Sanction that, assholes!"

  Dorius put his fingers in his mouth and whistled as the gator leapt at him. They both hit the lake, the gator's teeth wrapped around one of his legs. The gator did a death roll and pulled him under the water, cutting off his shrill whistle.

  A huge rock with arms emerged from the lake. It grabbed the gator's mouth by its snout, pulled it open and Dorius' swam away. The rock tore off the gator's head and tossed it against a cypress tree, then slipped back into the water.

  Dorius pulled himself up onto the dock with a loud growl. The rest of the vamp-animals scattered.

  "What the hell was that big ugly gray thing with arms?" I asked, my jaw an inch from my chest.

  Where are we all supposed to sit? JoAnn didn't give a shit about the live rock with arms. She hung onto the windshield for dear life, the boat on its side, as Zaire made another pass.

  Jeni, JoAnn and Mom were all wedged between the split windshield in front of the seats, half in the bow, fighting each other to get to a seat.

  JoAnn shoved my mother at me.

  Mom fell to her knees at my feet, bared her fangs at JoAnn and cussed like a ho. "I'm gonna slap the fucking shi
t out of you, you goddamned, son-of-a-bitch!"

  JoAnn pushed, Put your teeth back in your filthy little mouth, Mom. She turned to me. Get behind the steering wheel, now!

  Mom scaled up my body, latching onto my shoulders.

  I glared over Mom's shoulder at JoAnn's tight lips. "I've got my hands full, you get behind the steering wheel, smart ass."

  JoAnn reached for the wheel, fell on her ass, and the boat kicked up a good wake.

  Zaire, more alive than I'd seen her in months, yelled, "I got a big mutha-F'n shotgun! Bring it on, boys! I'd love'ta blow your undead hearts right out'a'ya friggin' chests!"

  I can't get up! JoAnn pushed.

  I tried to help my mother; we danced toward one of the seats like a whore and a drunk doing a tango.

  "Jeni, this was your idea! Do something!" Mom screamed, pulled away from me, landing by JoAnn and grabbing her ankles as they both scrambled for the seat.

  I hit the deck, landing against the transom.

  Fist pumping circles in the air, Zaire let out four masculine grunts.

  "I'm going to shit myself," my mother yelled, still wrapped around JoAnn's legs.

  Resi high-fived Zaire.

  Mom, let go of my legs! Damn you, you little demon! JoAnn slapped at Mom's hands and both of them rolled back into the transom with me.

  Jeni tried to grab the steering wheel but fell backwards, arms flailing as she hit the floor of the boat next to my mother in an ass cracking smack. Her head fell in my lap.

  I looked down at her.

  "I think it would be a good idea if we all just stayed down here for a minute," I said, the four of us in a heap like fish dumped from a net.

  I turned back to the dock and Marcus shook his head, a big grin on his face. Dorius, dripping wet, looked livid. The other two men, apparently waiting for instructions, glanced from us to the two brothers.

  "This is about all I can take!" Jeni was not in a happy place.

  My mom wasn't either. "Zaire! Goddamned idiot! Straighten out this frigging boat and get us the hell out of here!"

  As all of this was going on, I could hear the continuing saga of JoAnn's sarcastic voice. I glanced at her. She had a crazy-eyed look that would put Jack Nicholson in 'The Shining' to shame. I hate snakes! I hate gators! I hate getting wet, and I am not going to swim all the way to shore!

  I tried to stand up but my Mother took the opportunity to grab me by my hair. She yanked me inches from her cute little nose and with spittle flying from her mouth, she spat, "Susan, I am not gonna drown tonight!" Her eyes gleamed gold fire, her white hair blew in cute little curls around her face.

  Everyone in this boat is in my personal space! JoAnn looked at me with wrestling eyebrows as I tried to free my mother's hand from my hair.

  Zaire, looking a bit put out, yanked the throttle into neutral and ambled over to the starboard seat behind JoAnn.

  Resi slid in beside her.

  The boat rocked in the water.

  Mom got up, plopped down in the seat behind the driver's seat, and tucked a big white bumper under her butt.

  "And you have a bumper up your ass, why?" I asked, rubbing my head as I got to my feet.

  "It floats, doesn't it?"

  Jeni crawled over to the driver's seat and wiggled into it. She firmly gripped the throttle and asked, "Everyone ready?"

  Deep bellowing laughter ricocheted between my ears. My head shot toward the boat dock. Susan my dear, I am very much looking forward to meeting you, a deep throaty voice announced.

  I broke out in goose bumps and frowned at the only immortal with a smile on his face, as Jeni eased the throttle forward and the boat headed toward the other side of the lake. "Did anyone else hear that hot looking immortal talking in their head?"

  "You're so full of shit," JoAnn barked.

  "Hot! I'd like to flame up their immortal asses, alright," Zaire huffed.

  "Tomorrow's another day, sweetie," Resi giggled.

  "So, how are all you dead-chicks doing?" Jeni quipped.

  I shook my head in confusion as I watched the men on the dock fade into the distance.

  "Well, we sure as hell showed them, didn't we?" Mom said, cozying up to the bumper.

  ~~~~

  Chapter Twenty-one

  ~~~~

  "What the hell was that all about, Dorius?" Warren paced on the edge of the dock as the other three immortals watched the lights from the boat wink out in the distance. "Without the trolls help, that damn gator would probably be halfway across the lake by now, with you still in its mouth."

  Mort plucked the head of the gator out of the water, turning it in front of his face. "I think… I know… look… this is straaange." Mort slowly waded over, pointing at two extra-long fangs protruding from the reptile's jaw.

  Dorius, dripping wet, tried to dry his hair on Camillio's shirt. Camillio pulled his shirt free, muttering to himself as he walked over to Marcus who was on his haunches examining the reptile fangs.

  Paul appeared around the side of the house, strutting across the cement patio onto the dock, butt-ass naked with a wriggling fox in his hands. "I've got another one here. It tried to take a chunk out of my ass." He turned, showing the four men and the troll two long gashes across his derrière.

  Marcus grabbed the fox by the scruff of its neck, its eyes blazing red. It squirmed and hissed with large fangs extended. "Dorius, how could this be possible? They both have blood-sucking fangs."

  Dorius squeegeed his wet hair between dirty fingers, pulling out bits of green slime. "How the hell do I know?"

  "Do you think… this gator… turned the women?" The troll set the reptile's head on the edge of the dock, then sank back into the water. The top of his head inched up from the lake until his eyes peeked out.

  "Great, there goes the species," Warren muttered.

  "Better… yours… than mine." Mort's brow-less forehead wiggled, bubbles boiled around his slate gray lips and water escaped between his toothy, algae-coated smile.

  "Where the hell were you, mutt? Didn't you hear me whistle?" Dorius flung his hair over wet shoulders with a moss-covered hand, his leather pants squeaking as he sloshed toward Paul.

  "Sorry. I had a fox attached to my ass." Paul ran a hand over his butt, checking for blood. He turned and smiled at Dorius, wiggling his fingers in front of his face. "At least it's started healing. Gibbie's in the boat. I should hear from him as soon as they settle somewhere. I'll have them back before sunrise, Dorius."

  "I will be joining you and the fairy, but first I'm going inside to shower and change." Dorius scowled at Paul, making shoulder contact as he forced his way by. "Get dressed. I'm not going to watch you swagger around with your cock swinging."

  "If you need dry clothes, I suggest Zaire's. She's about your size and has a lust for leather." Paul grinned, watching Dorius leave a trail of water and slime as he headed for the house.

  "Easy wolf, I'm in an unpleasant mood," Dorius growled back.

  "I want to know how this fox became immortal." Marcus twisted the animal's neck and severed its head in one quick movement.

  "Do you think those women are capable of turning animals into immortals?" Camillio pointed at the bloody mess with a scowl.

  "Let's not jump to conclusions, Camillio," Paul said. "Just because we've never run across any immortal animals, doesn't mean it can't be done."

  "It can't be done. We've tried it in the lab," Camillio rebutted. "No one, not even our Seraphs, the cream of our crop, have been able to turn animals."

  Warren growled, "I'll tell you one thing, I think we need to call in reinforcements if these women did this. The black one could be some voodoo princess or something."

  A rumbling laugh fell from the troll's mouth.

  "Did any of you stop to think that maybe the animals turned the women?" Paul glared at both immortals.

  "I believe… I asked… that question." The troll leaned his crusty chin on the edge of the dock with a green toothy smirk for all of them.

  "W
hoever turned this fox and that gator is much more than a mere immortal. There's demon-blood in the one capable of this," Marcus said. "I don't believe it's possible without it. Moreover, since we know that all Seraph immortals have unusual powers, it makes sense that whoever did this is a very special immortal. There are only ten Seraphs in the world that we know of, and Dorius and I are still testing their capabilities."

  Marcus tossed both pieces of the fox into the lake, kicking the gator in after it. He leaned down, dunking his bloody hands in the water, shaking them dry as he watched the carnage float around the troll.

  Dorius' baritone voice wafted out of a screened window, under the balcony by the back porch, in a cloud of steam. I can't get no-o…da-da…naa…na… Sat-is-fac-tion… no-no-noo-oo…

  Everyone looked toward the window.

  Paul turned to Marcus. "Walk with me a minute."

  The oldest immortal and the wolf strolled off the dock toward the woods. As soon as they were out of site, Paul stopped, turning to Marcus.

  "I don't think we need a lynch mob, boss. Let me go after them myself. I've talked to these women and I don't think they killed that woman in the restroom. Dorius seems to be taking this too personally. He's out for some kind of revenge."

  "I don't know how long I can hold him, but I agree," Marcus said. "These immortals are too new. The little show on the boat tells me they have no idea what they're capable of. If one of them turned these animals by mistake, and I believe that's exactly what happened, we will certainly want to get them back to BAMVC and test their blood. They could be Seraphs with unusual powers. Just think what that would mean to our clan if we can harness that power." Marcus had a faraway look in his eyes.

  Paul watched him intently. "Why are you here Marcus?"

  "Let's just say I have a desire to see who these women are. I'm going to the house to do some snooping around. You take off and see if you can find the fairy," Marcus said, turning on his heal.

  "Dorius is not going to be happy about our decision," Paul said.

  "Dorius won't be a problem. Just make sure you call him as soon as you find them. I wouldn't want a band of Rogue Hunters arriving at the doorstep before we have the little scamps in custody." Marcus smiled, one eyebrow cocked, his eyes sparkling with little bits of silver spinning around the blue irises.

 

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