18% Gray

by Anne Tenino

  “I want you out of this place! Where the RIA can’t ever stick you in one of their fucking camps again and fuck up your head anymore.”

  “And on that note,” Pearl broke in uncertainly. James sighed and closed his eyes, his hand tightening on Matt’s neck again. Taking comfort now, not giving. Then he straightened up and let his hand slip off.

  Matt’s neck felt cold.

  “Maybe you should tell us what you know,” James suggested. He was expressionless again, and his voice was nearly a monotone.

  Pearl looked down at her twisting hands. She took a chair when James indicated she should sit. “I was a research scientist for SOUF working in neural enhancements. Nothing intrusive; changes that could be brought about through medications or supplements. A few changes to the neural network that might be made through neurofeedback. Some of my work might have… pushed the envelope, but all of the troops were volunteers, and I never okayed a therapy if I wasn’t sure the risk outweighed the benefit for the individual.

  “About seven years ago, I was appointed to a multidisciplinary SOUF team working on practical biocybe applications.” Pearl looked at them, finally. “It’s known that there’s more information available than the human brain is capable of capturing or processing. The team’s task was to develop a way for the human brain to process information that normally can’t be processed—like the way we can’t see the UV spectrum. The specific goal was to capture and process brain waves.”

  “So you and this team developed a way for soldiers to read them.” James was regarding her steadily.

  “Yes.” She nodded slowly. “We came up with a hypothetical method of application, but only preliminary primate experiments were conducted. It was an implant, and while I was apprehensive, I knew we couldn’t avoid more invasive brain work eventually. I decided it was better if I was working with the scientists who were pushing those therapies than against the system, imposing at least some of my ethics. Others on the team agreed with me. But the implant blueprint was taken and immediately implemented in Psi-force troops.”

  “Like me.” Even James’s voice was expressionless.

  “Like you.” Pearl leaned forward and planted her elbows on her knees, looking intently at James. “The implant we designed was a programmable, organic framework. The brain can grow to work with the implant, but the implant itself can’t grow. The implant could be ‘enhanced’ later by introducing new programming. The initial programming—before implanting—would only need a portion of the implanted network to function.

  “The biggest problem is that the organic implant could essentially reprogram itself in ways we couldn’t predict or control if ‘fed’ with other stimuli. Maybe even stimuli we aren’t even aware of, or don’t currently see as a danger. It has the potential to be very dangerous. Figuring out more about the specific dangers and stimuli was the objective of the next phase of testing. Unfortunately, some scientists on the team thought this feature was a plus.”

  Matt shot off the bed. “This is what was done to James? Someone put this organic, unpredictable, untested biocybernetic implant in him?”

  “Either that, or something like it.” Pearl’s voice sounded dead now. Matt glanced at her. He could tell that she felt some kind of regret. He hoped James could feel it. He certainly deserved at least that from her.

  “Why?” James’s voice came out rough and quiet.

  Pearl seemed to understand what he was getting at. “Why the organic implant? If we could maintain enough control over it, it was actually safer for the recipient. No neural growth drugs or enhancers. The brain would connect to it at a natural rate with mental exercises only. We were working on designing out as much of the uncontrolled development of the network as possible. That was the dangerous part—I thought that was clear to them.”

  “Them who?” Matt’s voice was sharp and words staccato in the tension-filled room.

  “I don’t know.” Pearl’s voice was nearly a whisper. Tears slipped out of her eyes, but she didn’t seem to notice them. “I thought I knew, but I don’t think I ever did. I thought it was SOUFCOM, but our research disappeared, and our funding was cut. Our commanders seemed as out of the loop as we were. We were locked out of our labs and offices by federal agents. I don’t even know what agency.”

  “Th’FUCK?” Matt was livid. “What the fuck did you do?!”

  “I went up the chain as far as I could. Past SOUFCOM and into the Pentagon.” Pearl’s chin was trembling now. “I called Anais, and she went to bat for me, but even that didn’t help. It was completely black. No one could get any info. Major General Selkirk went to General Rami who went all the way to the fucking President when word came down from the Pentagon to shut down the program, but we were shut down cold anyway. I worked on the fucking thing and I didn’t have the clearance to even look at it anymore.” She was rubbing the tears out of her eyes with the back of her hand.

  “I don’t know for sure what version of what implant was placed in who, with what oversight or precautions. No one would even confirm it was implanted, but I had proof, an e-mail that was sent to me by accident. Such a stupid fucking way for someone to mess up! A misaddressed e-mail!” Pearl stopped her rant and took a deep breath, regaining some control.

  “I shared it with the members of the team, and when we started to ask questions, that’s when we were locked out of our research. Everything was taken. Even notes. It was such a top-secret project, we were religious about keeping all the info at the facility we were working at. I don’t even have a backup of the e-mail. I was incredibly naive and trusting, even after twenty-three years in the military.” Pearl wound down suddenly, for the first time letting go of her rigid posture and flopping back in the chair, looking desolate.

  “You have to take. It. Out.” Matt was so mad his hands shook, but he managed to keep himself from screaming it.

  “I can’t.” It was a whisper. “It’s too dangerous. I don’t know what will happen. I can’t even do the work myself, anyway.”

  Matt was pacing, running his hand through his hair. He forced himself to stop, look out the window, and shut up. It was James’s deal. He’d support him, no matter what.

  Not that James was saying a word. Matt turned to look at him, still frozen on the side of the bed. There was no expression on his face, but no color either. Matt had only ever seen that pasty color on people going into shock. He came back to the bed and knelt in front of him. “James?’” Hesitantly, Matt pried one of James’s hands loose from his knee.

  James looked into Matt’s eyes. Matt felt like someone was squeezing his heart in their fist. “Oh, baby.” He surged up and wrapped James in his arms, pulling him off the bed. He wasn’t sure James was even a physical comfort kind of guy, but Matt needed to give it too much to stop himself. He couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to find out your brain had been fucked with like this.

  It took a few minutes, but James let his arms creep around Matt’s waist, gripping him so tightly Matt thought he would leave permanent finger marks. James started shaking, gripping tighter. Matt heard Pearl leave, but ignored her and just held James. It felt like hours, but finally, James began to relax. He pushed on Matt to make him let go, leaning back against the bed.

  James had color in his face again. Some. He looked devastated. Matt wanted to start asking questions, find out how he was, but he didn’t think James was up for armchair psychology.

  On the other hand, impulse control had never been his strong suit. “James—”

  “Shut up, Matt. I can’t talk about it right now.” James’s voice was flat.

  “Need anything?” Matt asked after a moment.

  “Need to feel like I’m still here.”

  He could do that.

  Matt sat on his haunches in front of James and slipped his hands into James’s hair. He looked into James’s eyes and leaned forward to kiss him gently, nipping and sucking and licking. James responded, but barely. Matt worked at it more. Finally, he was in James’s mouth, twi
ning his tongue around and around James’s, and James began to lean into him and open wider. He slipped a hand behind Matt’s head, gripping his neck and tilting him. Matt threw a leg over James’s outspread thighs, straddling him, pressing against him.

  He was hard. Matt scooted closer, grinding his own hardness against James’s. His fingers moved down James’s neck, to the seam seal on the front of his shirt.

  He could feel some of that crisp, honey-colored hair there, right where the shirt seal aligned. Matt swirled his fingers a second, then unsealed it. He broke the kiss and looked down as he parted the shirt. James attacked the skin below his ear, and Matt gasped. God. Nipping teeth. “James,” he panted.

  Matt let his palms rub across James’s pecs, pushing off his shirt. Mmmm, coarse hair just a shade darker than that honey-gold skin. He found James’s nipples, already hard brown nubs. James gasped against his ear when Matt pinched them lightly.

  He needed to taste them. Matt skated his lips across stubble and down James’s muscular neck, nipping as he went, licking to soothe where his teeth had been. James panted, made a strangled sound in his throat.

  Matt licked along a clavicle, swirled his tongue in that hair, and then skipped down. He licked a nipple, drawing a sharp sound from the back of James’s throat. Matt looked up, lips on one nipple and fingers on the other. All he could see was James’s chin, his head thrown back on the bed.

  “Feels good,” James whispered at the ceiling. Matt decided if the man could form words, he wasn’t working hard enough at distracting him.

  Matt dragged fingers down James’s stomach, tracing circles, finding his navel, then his happy trail, tugging on the hair and combing it with his short fingernails. James moaned. Matt let his hand drift slowly into James’s lap, finding and squeezing the hardness there. A groan this time. He smiled against James’s chest, and began to trace down with his mouth, scooting his body back and kneading James’s cock through his pants, unsealing his fly.

  James had no shorts on. His hard cock sprang out of his camos as soon as they were open enough, foreskin mostly retracted. Matt ignored it for a second, and reached in for James’s balls, caressing and cupping them, letting his fingers trace designs on the skin behind them. Then he ran his fingernails lightly up James’s sac to the base of his cock, making James suck in a breath.

  He was leaking pre-come out of the slit, the head purply-brown, with a thick ridge around its base. Matt shivered. He clenched his ass a little, thinking about what it would feel like inside him. “You up-to-date on vaccinations?” He asked James’s cock.

  “Yeah. Clean.” This came from above him, not the cock. “You?”

  “Yeah, ’m good. Clean.” Matt gripped the thick shaft tighter, fisting James. Matt slid his hand up and down, slipping skin, but never touching James’s head. Breathing on him. James moaned a little. “Do it, Matty,” he whispered.

  Matt’s other hand was still lightly pinching James’s nipple. He started to bring it down, but James caught it and put it back, pressing down hard, his hand over Matt’s. Matt looked up at James, whose golden-brown eyes were nearly glowing. He’d never noticed before, but James had hawk’s eyes. Matt shivered again, and looking into James’s eyes, he took the head of his cock into his mouth.

  James’s mouth opened in a gasp. Matt sucked the corona, tonguing around his thick ridge. James moaned gutturally and let his head flop back on the bed. Matt smiled around his cock head and flicked his tongue into the slit, then dragged the tip across James’s frenulum. James groaned, louder, and jacked his hips.

  Matt took his mouth off and began to lick James, long wet licks up from the base to the head. When he was slicked all over, Matt took James back into his mouth. That same salty, sweet, musky taste welcomed him. He moaned a little around James. “Fuck,” James hissed.

  Matt went for it—no more playing around. He pinched James’s nipples, alternating between them, and started sucking James’s cock in until he met his own fist, sliding back up, hollowing his cheeks, swirling his tongue around the head. James was panting. Matt’s fist was tight on him, sliding a counter-rhythm. His own hips were driving against the floor, his dick trapped in his pants, but he couldn’t be bothered to do anything for it right now.

  Matt didn’t deep-throat. He’d never really learned how, at least partly from lack of desire. But when James put his hand in Matt’s hair, gripping it tightly, Matt let James push him down on his cock. He gagged a little. James let go immediately. “Sorry,” he whispered.

  “No. I wanna. Make me, James.” Matt looked into James’s eyes, wanting James to read him. James studied him a second, all panting, flushed desire, and then put his hand back on Matt’s head. Matt sucked James’s cock back into his mouth, cheeks hollowing. He pressed lightly with the heel of his hand on James’s balls, keeping enough of his hand on the shaft to keep from going too far at first. He took a deep breath, but the smell of James made him groan all the air out right away. He had that almost yeasty smell Matt had never realized he liked so much.

  James pushed down on his head, gently to start, barely gripping, but pushing him just to the edge of too far. Matt groaned. James shuddered. And did it again. Soon, he had one hand planted on the floor, one gripping Matt’s hair, and he was fucking his hips up into Matt’s mouth. Matt had saliva running down his chin and James’s cock, over his hand. He couldn’t swallow, was fighting gagging, and he was more turned on sucking someone off than he’d ever been in his life. He moaned every time James’s prick got close to his throat, and it was making James moan and fuck him just a little deeper.

  Finally, James went too far. Except Matt took him in. He felt James’s cock head dip that little extra bit, and he felt that ridge slip into his throat, and Matt started coming. He was moaning and humping the floor, coming in his pants. He swallowed convulsively around James, felt his throat muscles grip and massage James’s cock, and knew he’d be yelling if he didn’t have James in his throat. He drove his hips harder against the floor.

  James cried out. He slammed his cock farther down Matt’s throat, shooting into him. His thighs were rock hard, shaking as he held Matt to him with a hand in his hair.

  When James slipped out of Matt’s throat, he was still hard. Matt licked him everywhere, getting a hint of the bleachy come that James had pumped into him. Not that he needed the cleanup, but Matt wanted to run his tongue along that thick cock and around the head again. He sucked gently on James’s balls. Tasting that addictive smell. He wasn’t ready to let go. James was petting his head now. Matt pried his fingers loose from where they’d been gripping James’s thighs. When had he moved them? He flopped over on his back, panting.

  “Jesus fucking Christ,” Matt panted.

  James flopped down next to Matt. He looked at him, panting in sync. He reached out a hand and placed it on Matt’s dick, still trapped in his pants. “You come?”

  Damn, there was that blush again. “Yeah.” His voice sounded like he had something in his throat. Or maybe it was he’d had something in it. He grinned at James. James leaned forward and kissed him, tasting himself in Matt’s mouth. Matt shivered. So fucking hot.

  “Mmmmmm.” James smiled as he lay back down. Then he cleared his throat (and Matt knew he hadn’t had anything in his throat). “Sorry I, uh….”

  “’S’okay, James. I liked it. I’ve never done that before.”

  “What, gave head?” James had a little wrinkle between his eyebrows. Matt smiled at it.

  “No. Came while I was doing it. Deep-throated.”

  “Was I too—?”

  “James. Shut up. I came because you did that. Turns me on when you get all controlling like that. You must have been able to feel that at the time.”

  James’s cheeks darkened a little. He didn’t answer, just reached out and hauled Matt into his arms, tucking Matt’s head under his chin. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

  Oh. Yeah. He’d done that because James was in shock over finding out his brain didn’t belong to him anymor
e. Matt decided they didn’t need to think about it anymore right now. “You’re welcome. I guess you really are gay.”

  James snorted. It wasn’t a completely amused snort. “Yeah, I’m gay. Don’t know what the hell else I am anymore, but I’m still gay.”

  Matt sighed. He needed to work on his distraction skills.

  He could do that.

  Chapter 14

  JAMES was awake when Pearl came back. He’d prodded Matt until he’d managed to get his pants off of him and get him into bed—Matt seemed inclined to fall asleep on the floor, with come in his pants—then lay down beside him, pulling Matt into his arms. James had never thought of himself as a cuddler. Apparently, after being given life-altering news, he was.

  No, that wasn’t true. He’d been kinda… nuzzly ever since Matt let James touch him. He remembered back over the past few nights, riding Miz in the dark while Matt rested, a warm weight on his chest. He’d been half-hard the whole time. And content. And last night, he’d wakened in the middle of the night, an arm thrown around Matt, a leg tucked between his.

  Fine, Matt made him cuddly. At another point in his life that might have astonished him, but right now he wallowed in it as a way of not thinking about other stuff. Like if he was about to turn into somebody else when his brain went nuclear.

  Was that even possible? He had too many questions and not enough information. He needed to talk to Pearl more. He’d been able to feel her the whole time she was talking, of course. She truly regretted what happened. Had felt guilty for her part in it, blamed herself for not being able to stop it. But worse than all that was her fear for him and for the unknown consequences of having the implant.

  Yeah, he needed to talk to her. He just didn’t feel like getting up and finding her right now. He wanted to be next to warm, sleeping man. Warm Matt. Feeling almost safe tucked into this bed next to this body, with this shoulder blade to press his nose into. Secure. Maybe even a little bit loved.