Deadly to Love

by Mia Hoddell

  Sighing I could tell he had already shut down and was just trying to get me to stop. In the end it was probably my persistence that tipped him over the edge.

  Kai: I said drop it, I never talk about them and that’s not about to change, even with my girlfriend and you shouldn’t try to make me feel guilty about not wishing to tell you something that is that personal. You have your own secrets so don’t go on about mine!

  His anger scared me but his determinedness to turn the argument against me infuriated me, which overrode my fear.

  Darcie <3: No I don’t Kai, you know them all.

  Okay so I lied, but how was he supposed to know that, and in that moment I just wanted him to admit he was wrong and apologize, even though it was unlikely.

  Kai: You’re an idiot then. Only a fool tells someone all their secrets.

  With that parting comment he signed out, infuriating me even more. I felt like throwing my iPod across the room but controlled myself as I knew I’d regret it the next day. Instead I turned it off, promising myself I wouldn’t be the one to start any conversations unless he did, as I got ready for bed and fell asleep.

  CHAPTER SIX

  It’s safe to say I didn’t get much sleep that night. I kept waiting for Kai to send me a grovelling, apologetic message – sad I know – but I never received one. Also I spent a lot of the night tossing and turning while replaying the argument over and over in my head or rereading his messages about this new girl. Basically I was only adding to my misery but I didn’t know what else to do. It was probably about two in the morning before I finally fell asleep due to boredom but having college the next day robbed me of a lie in and a proper chance to get enough sleep.

  The morning sun made sure I was up early, the light pouring in through my open windows, banishing the darkness and stirring me from my restless dreams. There were also a few birds perched on the tree outside my room, greeting me with their morning song and making me want to bury my head under my pillow. Instead I decided - against my better judgement - to get up and face the day, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I still had no messages as I left the house and staying true to my word I wasn’t the one to break the silence, at least not yet anyway.

  The bus ride to college was weirdly silent between Chloe and myself, neither of us knowing whether the other was mad. I was still undecided on that point as technically it was Chloe who started the fight between Kai and me with her texts. I knew she was only trying to help though so it was the main source of my inner conflict on whether to say anything or not.

  I guess the silence finally became unbearable for Chloe as she cornered me after second period – when we both had a free – demanding to know what happened.

  “So what did Kai do? Was he mad at me or you? Did you dump him?”

  Sighing at her usual way of asking questions one after the other without giving me time to answer I tried to silence her with a look but she didn’t see which was convenient for her.

  “Not a lot. A little. No,” I said in answer to all her questions, deliberately giving her the simplest and vaguest answers possible, knowing it would drive her insane due to the lack of detail.

  “That’s not funny Rea. I’m dying here, give me something to go on.”

  We were sat in the cafeteria and I looked over my shoulder briefly to make sure no one could have overheard our conversation.

  “Fine...but you really need to learn how to control your eagerness for new gossip,” I said, sulking slightly from the prospect of having to reiterate the previous night’s events.

  “When I got home I had a load of messages asking where I was, who had my phone and if what you were saying was true. Obviously I couldn’t answer the last one as I had no idea what you had said, thanks for that by the way,” I began, allowing myself to be irritated by her actions. She just shrugged in response, motioning for me to continue talking.

  “Anyway he sent me screen shots of all the messages and I told him that most of what they said were true. That’s when he started freaking out asking whether I was accusing him of cheating or not. I tried to avoid directly saying it by saying he was secretive. The argument went on for a while before he finally admitted to liking her. You’ll never guess his reason for it though.”

  Chloe was very rarely silent when she was listening to new gossip but to my surprise she stayed quiet even when I asked for her opinion or tried to involve her. It felt too much like a rant if she didn’t jump in every now and then.

  I waited making it clear I wasn’t going to continue unless she answered me.

  “So what excuse did he give?”

  That was typical Chloe, assuming the worst before I had a chance to give her the true version.

  “He told me that he did like her and that a guy would be stupid not to. He also said that she reminded him of me. That irritated me a lot but it got worse. I don’t know why but I asked what had happened between the two of them and he said she kissed him on the cheek – without him responding – and they’ve gone on a date, which he said was just the two of them showing up early.”

  Chloe reacted just as I imagined she would. Her mouth moved but no words came out and her eyes were wide and unblinking.

  “That so means he’s cheating on you! Why didn’t you dump him? Tell me you’re at least making his life a living hell?”

  “Not really Chlo. He grovelled for a bit then I forgave him just to shut him up, even though I was still mad.” Chloe headbutted the table in frustration at my actions but it only caused me to laugh. At that moment the others decided to join us and all of them looked quite confused by Chloe’s actions.

  “Um Rea?” Lindsay left the question hanging, instead choosing to wave her arms around, gesturing towards Chloe’s hunched body.

  “She’s mad because I haven’t dumped Kai. I was in the middle of telling her about the trouble her texts caused last night.”

  They just nodded as if that was enough to satisfy them while I turned my attention back to Chloe.

  “So do you want to hear the rest of the story or you planning on continuing until you knock yourself out or even worse get a huge bruise on your forehead that not even make up will cover?”

  Instantly she stopped at my words, which drew fits of laughter from the others. We all knew that it was the latter option that caused the instant halt to her actions.

  “Go on then, even though I probably don’t want to hear it,” she said while raising her head.

  “After that I dropped the subject of the other girl and asked him about his family, which caused him to become even angrier than the cheating accusation surprisingly. He refused to tell me anything saying he’s allowed some secrets and called me an idiot when I said I told him most things. Anyway that’s when he signed out and we haven’t spoken since.”

  I looked around to find the faces of my friends all staring at me with blank, unreadable, expressions. The cafeteria was getting busier as lunch had started but my friends’ gazes never wavered from my face.

  “Come on guys it’s not that bad and if he doesn’t say anything by the time I get home I will dump him OK? I just don’t want to be the one to give in first,” I said just to break the silence that was quickly becoming unnerving. It seemed to work and everyone except Chloe went back to picking at their food.

  “You better Rea, it’s no good just saying it to make us happy. He really is no good for you.”

  “Yeah okay Mum.” A few laughed at my comment but Chloe just scowled, apparently offended that her demands were being ignored.

  “I need some time to think and get my head around things. I really like him and don’t want to ruin it Chlo.”

  She just shrugged, focused more on the piece of bread she was slowly pulling apart.

  “Whatever Rea, don’t whine at me when you get hurt though because I warned you, I tried to help and told you what you should do,” she mumbled at the table.

  Sighing I got up to leave and as I bent down to pick up my bag I bumped into Ian
who was for some reason stood behind me. As he held out his hands to steady me I tried to suppress the urge to slap him once again and instead flinched involuntarily.

  “Careful Rea,” he said, flashing one of the smiles that I used to love but now just made me shiver.

  “What do you want?” I couldn’t keep the annoyance out of my voice as I pulled my bag over my shoulder and crossed my arms over my chest.

  “We’ve got history next,” he said as if that was enough of an explanation.

  Please don’t tell me he wants to walk with me to class, I thought.

  “And? I’m quite capable of finding the room myself you know. I’ve been doing it for a year now.” I replied, irritated by his presence as I moved to walk towards the hall, not wanting to be late again.

  When Ian decided to follow me it made me madder but it wasn’t like I was going to show him that. Instead I walked on, ignoring him while he stood at my side, rambling on about some sport match he had competed in.

  I would have loved to be able to switch seats to get away from him as we entered the classroom but sadly it wasn’t possible. Mr Baits had never seemed to grow out of the high school routine of writing a seating plan and never letting anyone move. I doubted he would be sympathetic to my reasoning anyway.

  We found our seats and Ian all too casually rested his arm on the back my chair.

  “Great game the other day by the way, that team would get nowhere without you.”

  Choosing to ignore his arm as I didn’t want to cause a scene, I leaned away from it and turned to look at him, only to find his face was much too close for comfort.

  “Yeah they would we’re the best nationally, I wouldn’t be able to score without them,” I said as I returned to face the front of the class. I really didn’t want to talk to him but I couldn’t find a way to avoid it.

  “I’m sorry Rea.”

  His sudden apology shocked me, although I wasn’t sure what he was apologising for.

  “For what? Cheating, lying, being a total jackass or anything else you’ve ever done?” I knew I was acting like a bitch, but I was already wound up from my friends, and Ian didn’t deserve me to try and be nice to him.

  “Yeah okay I deserve that.” He moved the arm that was resting on the back of my chair to rub his neck, a gesture he performed regularly when he was guilty, uneasy or nervous. “For all of it I guess, I was a jerk and treated you like shit so I’m sorry.”

  I didn’t know why he was doing this all of a sudden as I thought I had made it quite clear there was no hope for us ever again.

  “Well thanks, it’s not like I’m still losing sleep over you but it’s good to know you think you’re a jerk. So what’s your motive for this sudden apology?”

  Sighing he put his arm back around my chair and slouched in his own. Neither of us were paying attention to the lesson Mr Baits was trying to teach us on the Russian revolution.

  “I don’t have one Rea. Honestly I’m not trying to win you back, I wish I could but I know you. I was just hoping maybe we could move towards being friends? Or at least not enemies if that won’t happen.”

  I knew Chloe would lecture me about it later but at that point I was fed up of being mad at everyone so simply agreed to what Ian wanted, reasoning that I would only have to see him for a few more weeks.

  The surprise that registered on his face was fun to watch, obviously he thought he was going to have to persuade me a bit more than he had. To show his happiness he squeezed my shoulder slightly before dropping his arm finally.

  “So how’s it going with that other guy?”

  I’m sure in that moment my face mirrored my friends faces earlier but Ian just kept shocking me.

  “Same old, why? Have you had a sudden change of heart about not beating him to a pulp? Even if you could, that is.”

  He snorted a false laugh and I regretted saying anything that could be interpreted as a challenge. Ian always had to run into things head first if challenged and would never back down.

  “Of course not, just trying to find a reason to do it even more.”

  I was instantly thankful I hadn’t told him about our recent argument. Even though I knew Kai would be able to take on Ian easily, I didn’t like the idea of anyone fighting for me.

  “I think I prefer silence,” I said, making it clear he had crossed a line and I was no longer in a receptive mood.

  We sat through the rest of the lesson in silence. I caught him looking over at me every now and then but other than that he seemed to really be trying. He was no where near making up for what he did to me but at least it was a start. All too slowly the lesson ended finally and I headed out the building to meet up with Chloe before catching the bus to go home. There was no way I would have been able to keep Ian’s change of heart from her so on the bus ride home I told her everything and like me she was instantly suspicious but let it drop when she saw my mood.

  When the bus reached Chloe’s house she simply got up saying, “remember what I said about Kai,” before she walked off the bus without the usual hug and smile.

  Sighing I stayed on the bus until my stop and when I reached my house I trudged to my room, nervous about what I would or wouldn’t find on my iPod. I needn’t have bothered though because as I switched the screen on there was nothing other than a notification about an email from an online clothing shop I like.

  I went about the rest of the day doing an essay I had been set in history and watching T.V, while I tried not to think about Kai. My bitter mood didn’t go unnoticed by my parents when they got home but thankfully they didn’t try to delve too deep into the reasons behind it. They had never been pushy and as much as I fell out with them, they always knew when not to pry. I would tell them when I was ready but right then, I wasn’t in the mood to explain to them about Ian or my new boyfriend who I had had a fight with.

  I had just finished eating and was going to go and find a DVD to play when my iPod let out a series of low volume beeps, telling me I was getting messages sent to me. Not wanting to appear desperate I let the iPod continue to stack up the notifications, refusing to go running whenever Kai decided to talk.

  It wasn’t until after my film did I decide he had waited long enough and went to check out what he had said.

  Kai: Serena?

  Kai: You going to talk to me today?

  Kai: I’m sorry Rea :( I overreacted, I didn’t mean what I said.

  Kai: Rea please...I really am sorry

  Kai: OK you don’t have to talk to me, just log onto the game we met on, please?

  Sighing I logged into the instant messenger to see that he was still online waiting for me. I knew this because as soon as I signed in a window popped up on my screen with a few apologetic messages.

  Darcie<3: If you want to explain go ahead.

  It was the only message I sent, knowing it was cold, but he started this and until I was happy I was going to continue the bitch routine.

  Kai: Explain which bit?

  Darcie<3: Whatever you feel needs explaining...

  His answer irritated me, he already knew how I felt and what I wanted to know yet he refused to just say it.

  Kai: I was in a bad mood yesterday, some stuff to do with my job which I can’t explain happened and it wound me up. I took it out on you and that wasn’t fair, I’m sorry.

  Darcie<3: It’s not good enough Kai, you can’t just flip out and have a go at me for asking questions. Give me a reason why I shouldn’t leave you because honestly, I can’t handle anymore lies.

  Kai: Go look at the game we met on before you make a decision.

  Sighing I logged onto the game, not aware that Kai was expecting a reply.

  Kai: Please?

  Darcie<3: I’m on it. Hang on.

  I looked down at my screen to see that I had forty-two new comments. I scrolled down to start reading them and was stunned by what I saw. Each message was from a different friend of Kai’s asking me to forgive him and take him back because he really was a good and genu
ine guy. Of course there were a few haters telling me that if they were in my position this wouldn’t work but I ignored them and despite my reluctance, I was quite impressed by what he had done.

  I sat there rereading the messages, trying to find a reason not to forgive him but I couldn’t. What he had done had erased all my anger.

  Darcie<3: OK fine, I forgive you. How long did it take you to get all those people to message me?

  As I typed the message I had a few more notifications come through telling me that I had received more messages on the game asking me to forgive Kai. To stop them I posted something saying I had before looking at Kai’s reply.

  Kai: Nearly all day. Do you really mean that?

  Darcie<3: Of course, that was pretty impressive and it’s hard to stay mad when someone does something like that. No one has ever done something like that for me before.

  My iPod was bleeping again and pleased messages began to appear on my screen, telling me it was a good decision and that I wouldn’t regret it. At least I hope I won’t, I thought.

  Darcie<3: Don’t think that’ll work every time though because it won’t.

  Kai: I know but I didn’t want to lose you and I guessed right, talking to you wouldn’t have had much effect.

  Darcie<3: If you had told me in the first place you wouldn’t have had to do anything. I get that you’re not going to tell me everything but there are some things I need to know and if I don’t hear them this isn’t going to work.

  Kai: OK I’ll try explain some of the things when you’re on tomorrow but I have to go right now. Sorry :(

  Before I had a chance to say bye he had already signed out and I felt a little annoyed I had forgiven him so easily if that was how he was going to react. However I had got him to agree to answer some of my questions which stopped me being too mad.

  Instead I went to bed early to try and catch up on the sleep I lost the night before. I thought about how Kai had made an effort to stay with me. I didn’t even realise I was comparing him to what Ian used to do until I was nearly asleep. I decided then that the messages must have been at least partially true as Kai had made an effort unlike Ian.