Holding On: Ruthless Sinners MC

by L. Wilder

  “You’re seeing Jax, and you actually like the guy. Don’t screw that up by hooking up with Rafe!” Delilah scolded.

  “Okay, fine.” Krissy pouted as she glanced over her shoulder at Rafe. “It wouldn’t be so hard if he wasn’t hot as hell.”

  “You’re a mess.”

  “I’m serious, girl. Did you see his biceps? Jax doesn’t have biceps. Jax doesn’t have a six-pack either, but I bet Rafe does. Hmmm ... I bet he’s totally packing too.” She clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth and sighed. “Damn, I think I messed up.”

  “Stop, Krissy. We’ve already talked about this.” Delilah cocked her eyebrow. “No more bad boys, remember?”

  “Yeah, I remember.” Krissy took a long pull off her Ultra-Light. “Boring Dr. Jax it is.”

  “Jax is not boring!” Delilah shook her head and sighed. “Did you or did you not just tell me that you wanted a man who’d treat you right?”

  “Yes, I did, and I do.” Krissy threw her hands up in the air. “No more bad boys.”

  No sooner than the words had left her mouth, Krissy glanced over her shoulder and looked at Rafe with longing in her eyes. I knew then that she wasn’t done with “bad boys”—at least not yet. It was moments like these that I was glad I didn’t get involved in relationships. They were just too much fucking trouble. I was more of a hit-it-and-quit-it kind of guy, keeping my distance from anything remotely resembling a connection with a woman. My time for that had come and gone, and I was good with it. I had my brothers and the club. As their enforcer, I focused on whatever needed to be done to keep both safe and thriving. But every now and then, I’d find myself thinking about her, and the minute she crossed my mind, a sense of darkness would wash over me.

  “Hey, man.” Axel, our VP, nudged me with his elbow, pulling me from my thoughts. “You all right?”

  “Yeah.” I inhaled a deep breath, doing my best to shake the memory. “What’s up?”

  “Got word from Flint. He’ll have our shipment in by the morning.”

  “Damn, this motherfucker doesn’t mess around.”

  “No, he sure doesn’t, and it’s a good thing too, especially with the new club.”

  After running into some trouble with our last handler, we’d had no other choice but to look for someone else to bring in our take each month, which was no small feat, either. We’d opened up a second strip club, so our demand for blow had doubled overnight. The club needed someone trustworthy without sacrificing the quality of the goods. It took some time to find the right man for the job, but after a little help from Gus, the president of Satan’s Fury MC in Memphis, we found Flint. From day one, the guy seemed to be on top of things, dealing with the pressure without any major struggles, and we were extremely happy with his product. Axel pulled up a chair next to me and sat down. “Figure we’ll head over there just before daylight to pick it up.”

  “Sounds good.” I took a drink of my beer before asking, “Anyone else coming?”

  “We could handle it ourselves, but I figure we better get Hawk and Rafe to come along with us just in case.”

  “Probably a good idea.” It was just a simple transaction, but when dealing with that kind of money, it’s best to have a little backup in case something goes awry. “Viper still thinking about expanding our distribution?”

  “He hasn’t made any final decisions, but I’m thinking he’s just gonna leave things the way they are. We’ve got a good thing here. No reason to push our luck or whatever.”

  “Can’t disagree.” I shrugged. “I trust Viper to make a decision that’s right for the club.”

  “That he will.” Axel looked over at the bar and smiled when he saw Rafe talking to Krissy. “Looks like he’s still in the game.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Hell, there’s no doubt about it.” He laughed. “That chick is looking at him like she’d drink his dirty bathwater.”

  “That she is. I guess Widow’s gonna owe me fifty bucks after all.” I stood up. “I’m gonna head over to Stilettos and check in with Menace. I’ll meet you back here first thing in the morning.”

  He nodded, then said, “Let me know how things are over there.”

  “Will do.”

  I hadn’t intended to go to the strip club, but I’d had enough of social hour. It was time to break away for a little wind therapy. There was no better way to clear my head than a ride on my Harley, especially when the weather was accommodating. I stepped outside, pleased to see that there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and the Tennessee humidity felt less stifling than usual. In fact, the air couldn’t have been more perfect. Once I’d pulled through the clubhouse gate, I eased the throttle back and let the rumble of the engine drown out my thoughts.

  It was just me and the road ahead. Normally, that was all it took to keep the memories at bay, but no matter how fast I rode or how hard I tried, I found myself thinking about Lindsey. Her green eyes and innocent smile got me right in the gut. Just like that, the memories cut loose their chains and invaded my mind, barreling through the walls I’d put up to protect myself from those dark days. Fuck.

  I didn’t want to think about the night she left me any more than I wanted to remember the day my folks had died. As soon as I did, a heaviness would settle in my chest, and I’d struggle to breathe.

  Beep …… Beep ……Beep ……

  Every muscle in my body was tense as I sat there in that cold, stark hospital with Lindsey’s parents. I didn’t want to be there. I knew what was coming, and I wasn’t ready to face it. For months, I’d come to that hospital room every single day to spend time with her. I wanted to hold on to the hope that since her bruises had faded, and her wounds had started to heal, it was a sign she was getting better. But the doctors told us otherwise. Lindsey was in a deep coma with no indication she’d be coming out of it. I wanted to talk to her, tell her how sorry I was this had happened, but I wasn’t even sure she knew I was in that room with her.

  I was losing her. I knew it but didn’t want to accept it. My heart couldn’t take it. I felt like someone was trying to pry it right out of my chest, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it but sit there and listen to the monitor as the love of my life slipped through my fingers.

  Some might say that nineteen was too young to know what love really was, but that wasn’t true. What Lindsey and I had was the real deal, and no one could convince me differently.

  Beep …… Beep …… Beep ……

  I’d met Lindsey several years after my folks had passed away in a boating accident. I was still a fucking mess though, consumed with guilt that I hadn’t been with them on the day they’d died.

  It was a long weekend, and my dad decided it would be a great time to go fishing at Pickwick State Park. As much as I had wanted to tag along, I wasn’t feeling well and had to stay behind with my sitter, Ada. It wasn’t until the following morning that I’d learned my mom and dad had drowned. I was ripped to shreds over it and couldn’t shake the thought that if I’d been with them, I might’ve been able to help in some way. I was only eleven at the time, so it was crazy to think that I could’ve done anything. That never stopped me from wondering if I might’ve been able to warn them. Maybe then, the water wouldn’t have pulled them through the spillways and drowned them both. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have lost my parents and ended up in fucking foster care.

  I’d spent years bouncing around different homes, each one worse than the last, but the tables finally had turned when I met Lindsey’s parents. I could tell right away the Lannisters were nice people with a good head on their shoulders, but they’d been hesitant to take on a sixteen-year-old boy with a history of trouble, especially when they had a daughter at home. I didn’t want to risk losing out on my chance of being in a decent place for once, so I’d thrown on the charm and had done my best to make a good impression. I flashed my baby blues, gave them both a firm handshake, and smiled as I said all the things they’d wanted to hear. Needless to say, my irresistible demeanor had wo
n them over, and it didn’t take long for me to do the same with Lindsey.

  Lindsey and I had hit it off immediately, spending every waking moment together. We’d spend hours just talking and goofing off, but after a few months, it’d grown into something more. Lindsey made it easy to fall for her. She wasn’t only beautiful, but she was also sweet, wholesome, and good at heart. I never had to worry about her judging me or having preconceived notions about my being a foster kid. She accepted me as I was and never made me feel unworthy of her love—even though I knew I didn’t deserve it.

  It hadn’t been easy keeping our relationship hidden from her folks. Hell, it was written all over our faces anytime we were in the same room together, so I had no idea how they’d missed it. I’d thought things between us would’ve changed when I turned eighteen and the time had come for me to move out, but it hadn’t. Instead, our connection only grew stronger.

  Beep ...... Beep ...... Beep ……

  The doctors had removed Lindsey’s ventilator, and I knew our time together was coming to an end. I sat there in that hospital, holding her hand and staring at her angelic face, wanting so desperately to turn back the clock to the night of the accident. Then, I could’ve changed my work schedule. I could’ve driven her and her friends to the bowling alley that night. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have been sitting there blaming myself for Lindsey lying in that hospital bed. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have felt like my world was coming to an end.

  Beep ...... Beep ...... Beep ......

  With her parents standing on the opposite side of the bed, I stood up and leaned over Lindsey, placing my mouth close to her ear as I whispered, “You’re it for me, Lindsey. You’ll always be my girl.”

  Beep .............

  I was still holding on to her hand when she took her last breath. She was my best friend. My lover. My family. My home. I could feel a cold, deep darkness creep over me as I stood there, staring at her beautiful, lifeless body. I’d had a similar feeling the day my folks had died, but it was nothing like this. The floor seemed to sink beneath my feet, lowering me into a pit of abandonment and regret, and that feeling was only made worse when Lindsey’s father stepped over to me and said, “She loved you, Noah. Planned on spending her life with you. I hate she’s not going to get that chance.”

  “I’m sorry. I should’ve been there ... I’ll never forgive myself for what happened to her.”

  “No one blames you for what happened, son. You gotta know that.”

  “I blame myself. Always will.”

  As I walked out of that hospital, I became a different man. I was shattered, and everyone around me knew it. I’d managed to stick around for the funeral, but as soon as it was over, I enlisted. Lindsey’s folks tried to talk me out of it, said they didn’t want to lose both their daughter and me, but I couldn’t stay. Days later, I packed my bags and headed off to boot camp. I needed an escape from the torment of my memories; unfortunately, an escape wasn’t what I’d found. Instead, going to war had only made the darkness inside me grow stronger until it completely took over. I was a shell of the man I once was, devoid of feeling or empathy for those around me, and I feared I’d never find a place where I’d feel like I truly belonged.

  I was a man simply meant to be broken. Life had made me that way, and there was nothing I could do to change it—not that I ever would. The darkness that dwelled inside me rendered me capable of doing the unthinkable, making me the kind of enforcer the Sinners needed to handle anything.

  Remington

  There were days I wished I could go back to when I was younger, not for any other reason than to feel the way I did back then—safe, loved, and protected. When I was a kid, I didn’t know anything about the sting of rejection or the heartbreak of losing someone you love. I certainly didn’t know anything about being on my own and fending for myself. I had two parents who were always there, looking after me like good parents do. No matter what mess I found myself in, they loved me and encouraged me, doing whatever they could to make sure I was okay. If only they’d been there with me when I agreed to go out with Thomas Long. Maybe then, they could’ve talked me out of it and saved me a whole lot of trouble.

  After graduating from UT Knoxville, I moved to Nashville and started an internship with Davis and Cole, a small marketing company in the inner city. Since my internship had gone so well, they decided to take me on as one of their marketing analysts. It wasn’t the position I was hoping for, but there were plenty of opportunities for advancement. It wouldn’t be easy. I’d have to spend a lot of time and effort to prove to them and myself that I could be a real asset to their firm. At least I had Madeline to help keep me entertained. I could still remember the day we had met.

  It was my first day, and I was a nervous wreck. I’d just started getting my desk together when she came be-bopping around the corner in her army-green, linen overalls and tank-top. Her dark auburn hair was braided into two long pigtails, her wrists were covered with chunky bangle bracelets, and her eyes were outlined with a thick black eyeliner, making her green eyes seem even brighter. While her appearance had been a lot to take in, her smile was warm and inviting, and the second she started talking, I knew we were going to be great friends. And I was right. From that moment forward, Madeline and I would spend our lunch breaks talking about anything and everything, and eventually, we started meeting up after work. It was during one of our latest excursions when she suggested I meet a friend of hers. Acting completely innocent, she’d taken a sip of her drink and said, “I have this guy I think you should meet. His name is Thomas, and—”

  “No way.” I started shaking my head. “Stop right there. Don’t even think about it.”

  “Just hear me out.”

  “There’s nothing for you to say. I’m not going on a blind date.”

  “Why not?” she pushed. “He’s a great guy. Has a great job and a great personality.”

  “Oh ... my ... God... If you say great one more time, I’m going to lose my mind.”

  “Okay. Jeez.” She threw her hands up in the air with frustration. “You don’t have to be such a negative Nancy about it.”

  “I’m not being a negative Nancy. I just ...”

  “I know it’s not easy, but it’s time for you to put yourself out there, Remi. You’re an awesome chick, and I happen to think you and Thomas would really hit it off.”

  “You’re one to talk,” I fussed. “You haven’t been dating, either.”

  “Ac-tual-ly ... I have been kind of talking to someone.”

  “What!” Madeline hadn’t had the best of luck with men. In fact, she hadn’t had any luck at all. Chuck, the last guy she’d dated, ended up cheating on her with one of her roommates, and it broke her heart. After that, she’d sworn off men entirely, so I was surprised that she’d been seeing someone. “Since when?”

  “A couple of weeks ago.” She grimaced with a shrug. “I didn’t want to jinx it by telling anyone.”

  “Not even me?” I teased. “I thought you told me everything.”

  “Normally, I do, but I just wanted some time to see how things went before I started talking about it.”

  “Oh ... So, you really like this guy, huh?”

  “Yeah, I do.” Madeline’s expression softened as she continued, “He’s really sweet and cute too. He has this little border collie named Sadie that’s just adorable.”

  “What’s he do?”

  “He’s a PE teacher at Polk Middle School.”

  “Wow. That’s awesome. Does this guy have a name?”

  “Steve.” She giggled under her breath. “I know it’s not the sexiest of names, but it suits him.”

  “Not that it matters, but Steve is a great name. All that’s important is the fact you like him, and that he’s good to you.”

  “He’s very good to me.”

  “Well, I look forward to meeting him someday.”

  A mischievous smirk crossed her face. “If you hit it off with Thomas, then maybe we could double date sometime.
”

  “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”

  “Nope. I’ll just keep at it until you agree to at least meet him.” She took a sip of her tea, then, acting completely nonchalant, continued, “When I told him about you, he was really—”

  “Wait ... You already talked to him about me?”

  “Well, yeahhh. I had to make sure he was interested, and just so we’re clear ... he was very interested.”

  “Okay. So, tell me about this great friend of yours.”

  I listened to her go on and on about how amazing Thomas was, and after a great deal of persuasion, she finally convinced me to go on a blind date with him. I couldn’t believe I’d let her talk me into it. I’d heard horror stories from girls who’d gone on blind dates that ended in complete disaster. While I hoped the same wouldn’t hold true for me, I had my doubts. I’d never been very good at talking to complete strangers, but Madeline assured me that Thomas was easy to talk to. Going with Madeline’s advice to dress casually, I’d decided to wear black capri pants, with a khaki summer sweater and heels. As I sat there waiting for him to show, my mind was racing a mile a minute. I was tempted to just get up and leave, but quickly changed my mind when I noticed a man walking in my direction. This guy was the epitome of tall, dark, and handsome with thick, dark hair and deep brown eyes, and his white button-down shirt fit snug against his muscular build. I was feeling pretty good about my decision to go on the date when he approached me with a warm smile and extended his hand. “Remington?”

  “That’s me.” As I shook his hand, I said, “You must be Thomas.”

  “I am.” He sat down in the seat across from mine. “Man, you’re even prettier than Madeline described.”

  “Thank you. That’s very sweet of you to say.”

  “Well, it’s true.” He settled back in the chair, and like we were old friends, he seemed perfectly at ease. “Madeline told me you were a little apprehensive about meeting me.”