Wasted Words: Inspired by Jane Austen's Emma (The Austens Book 1)

by Staci Hart

  “I’m afraid,” she said softly, and I touched her cheek.

  “Then hold on to me. As long as we have each other, we can survive anything,” I whispered, voice faltering. “Hold on to me.”

  Her hands cupped my jaw, and as I looked down at her in the soft light, I only hoped she would.

  She kissed me and I felt her fear. I felt her worry and sadness. I felt her doubt and knew it was herself that she doubted, not me. And that somehow hurt me worse.

  But with every second, I felt those feelings slip away, felt her let herself go, forget the rest. To remember me. To be with me so wholly and fully that nothing else mattered.

  It was all that I wanted.

  Her hands slipped under my jacket again, this time pushing it over my shoulders, and I shrugged it off, tossing it away. We kissed, hips pressed together, rolling gently, savoring the feeling, the need. Her hands trembled as she untied the knot of my tie and unfastened the buttons of my shirt, and when she laid her palms against my skin, my breath caught and hips flexed, pressing her into the bed.

  She sighed against my lips.

  “I want you naked,” I said, my fingers trailing down her body, under the hem of her dress hitched up to her hip. Her skin was soft, smooth, hot under my hand, and I gripped her tight, pressing my hips into hers again before backing away.

  I took her hand and pulled her off the bed, the two of us standing before each other, breath shaking.

  She put her back to me, sweeping her hair off her neck, face turned, eyes down, and my eyes followed the line of her profile as I unbuttoned her dress until that sliver of skin was exposed to me again. My fingers skated down her back, and she shivered under my touch, sending a shock of pleasure through me.

  My hands ran across the curve of her shoulder, taking the dress gently with them, down her arms until it fell to the ground.

  I couldn’t breathe. She turned, standing before me, skin smooth and soft, the contrast of her black bra and panties sending my pulse ticking up a notch. My eyes moved down her body and back up, coming to rest on her parted lips that whispered my name.

  I pulled off my shirt, lips connecting with hers, hands trailing up her thighs, to the swell of her ass as she pressed her body against mine, arms winding around my neck. And I grabbed her by the hips, moving her back onto the bed, sliding in next to her. My thigh lay between her legs, and she twisted them around it, flexing, arching her back, grinding against me, moaning into my mouth.

  I deepened the kiss, my tongue slipping farther into her mouth, and she shifted her hips enough to reach for my belt, then my button, then the zipper. Her hands slid down the skin of my stomach, under the band of my underwear and lower until she gripped me.

  It was my turn to moan at the shock of pleasure, her warm hand stroking me as she sighed and kissed me.

  I’d never wanted anyone so much. I’d never been so afraid to want someone so much.

  My hand found her cheek, her hair, cupped the back of her head to hold her close, and she tugged at the waist of my pants.

  I backed away, brushed her hair from her face. I sighed and closed my eyes, bending to kiss her once, hard. “Stay right here,” I whispered when I broke away. “I’ll be right back.”

  My heart pounded as I rolled off her bed and made my way into my room, digging through my nightstand for the things we’d need. When I came back in, I stopped in the doorway at the sight of her stretched out on the bed, still in her black underwear and bra, watching me with just as much awe as I watched her.

  Our eyes locked as I walked toward her, dropping my pants and stepping out of them and my shoes. Even as I climbed onto the bed toward her and she reached for me, I was lost in her eyes, until mine closed, and I kissed her.

  She wrapped herself around me, the kiss deep and intense, my hands trailing down her neck to her breast. There was no lining — I could feel her tight nipple under my palm as I squeezed gently, hooking my fingers under the edge to expose her. I broke my lips away to move down her body, pausing when I reached her breast resting in my palm to kiss her pink nipple.

  I closed my eyes, circling my tongue, squeezing gently, and her fingers slid into my hair with a soft hum. I hummed back and felt goosebumps peak across her skin as my hand skated down her ribs, down her stomach, to the hem of her panties.

  I slipped a hand inside, moving back up to kiss her, feeling the warmth against the pad of my finger as I brushed the tip of her. Her back arched, rolling her hips, searching for my finger with intention as I traced up the wet line, circling the sensitive spot at the top when I reached it. Then back down again, teasing her until I finally slipped my finger inside her.

  She gasped, rolling her hips again as I palmed her, needing her wet, and she was — she was so small, so slight, I didn’t want to hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her.

  My finger curled, finding the rough spot inside, grazing it steadily with each flex of my palm until her breath was shallow, eyes pinned shut, and she squeezed around my finger once, just once, enough for me to know she was close.

  I moved down her body again, pulling off her panties before lying between her thighs. She looked down at me, and I met her eyes for only a moment before looking back to my hands as I stroked her, parted her, closed my lips over her and sucked. Her hands found my hair again. I licked up the line, sucking again once I reached the top, and she writhed, knees raising and parting to open herself up to me. When I looked up, her head was kicked back, ribs protruding as she sucked in a deep breath.

  Her fingers tightened in my hair. I didn’t want her to come yet, not like this. I wanted to be inside of her, wanted to feel her fall apart around me. So I let her go.

  She looked down at me, eyes barely open, licking her lips as she leaned up and grabbed me, frantic, pulling me to her to kiss me, licking the taste of herself off my lips, slipping her tongue deep into my mouth, breathing me in.

  And I couldn’t wait for her any longer.

  I pulled away, both of us panting, reaching for the condom I’d brought as she sat up enough to take off her bra and fling it across the room. She watched me, eyes locked on my hands as I rolled the condom on. Her lips were parted, tongue darting out to wet them, and when she met my eyes again, she looked afraid.

  But I smiled knowingly. “I’m not going to hurt you, Cam.”

  She nodded as a pain shot through my chest, wondering if she’d hurt me instead. But she’d promised. It was over. She was mine, and now I’d claim her as she’d already claimed me.

  I grabbed the bottle labeled Slide, and her face softened with realization of what it was. She took it from my hand and poured a little out, coating her hands before she reached for me.

  I sighed at the feeling, her slick, warm hands around my shaft, squeezing and sliding, gripping and flexing. I poured a little out into my palm and slipped my hand between her legs to stroke her. But she didn’t want to wait any more than I did.

  She pulled me down to her to kiss me again, and I moved between her legs, settling in, my shaft against the wetness of her. Her hips flexed and rolled against me, shifting and angling, looking for my crown, and I pulled back my hips, dropping between her legs until I rested at her entrance.

  She stopped kissing me, her body frozen against me, her eyes finding mine.

  Neither of us breathed when I flexed, filling her slowly.

  Her eyelashes fluttered and closed with a sigh, chin tilting back.

  She was so small, so tight around me, I pulled out slowly, body trembling with want, with need for her as I held on to control with everything I had. I rolled my hips gently, and her head dropped to the side, stretching her neck long, and I kissed the soft skin up to her ear.

  I wound my arms around her and I sat, bringing her with me, holding her up, guiding her until her knees were braced on the bed, her arms hanging on my shoulders. She needed to be in control until I knew how much of me she could take, and she seemed to understand, watching me with half-closed eyes as she shifted slowly, relaxing he
r thighs. Her breath was shallow, her thighs trembling, and my heart thumped against my ribs like it was reaching for her.

  “Are you okay?” I muttered, barely able to think, barely able to stop myself from grabbing her hips and dragging her down my length until she hit the end.

  She nodded. “So good.” The words were a breath as she sank farther onto me. I squeezed her thighs, trying to hang onto her. I tried to hang on to my breath. I tried to hang on to my heart. But she had all of me.

  She flexed her legs and rolled her hips, dragging me in a slow circle inside of her, raising herself up before dropping down again.

  I couldn’t take it.

  “Cam,” I whispered, dropping my head to her shoulder, body shaking. Her arms cradled my head as she rolled, flexing again, dropping down even more. She was close, so close to taking all of me, and I was close, so close to letting it all go. I needed her, a slow need that burned so hot, I could think of nothing else.

  Her hips rolled faster, and I cupped her breast, thumbed her nipple, held her to me as she moved faster still, squeezing me tighter, clenching around me, gasping so deep, it stole my breath. And she came, the force of her body more than I could take. She sank down to the end of me as she pulsed and flexed, her breath shallow as she muttered words of pleasure, and I grabbed her hips, lifting her, pulling her down, filling her, once, twice, until I came, my heart stopping, her name on my lips.

  She sank down until there was no space between us, our bodies wound and hooked around each other so that every inch of us touched, from head to toe. My arms were around her small waist, hers around my neck, and she squeezed me tight.

  We stayed that way until our hearts slowed, and she lifted her head to look up at me, her eyes full of tenderness. She touched my face and kissed me reverently. And all I could do was think about how perfect the moment was. How perfect she was.

  She leaned back, pulling on my neck, and I laid her down before rolling away, separating us, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. But I headed for the bathroom to clean up as my mind began to wander through the night, through my feelings, through her feelings, tallying up what I could control and what I couldn’t.

  Cam was tucked under the covers when I came back, facing the empty side of the bed, and I slipped in beside her. She shifted until her body was against mine again, our legs entwined.

  I brushed her hair back, traced a path up the curve of her shoulder. “Still afraid?”

  She blushed, laughing softly. “Not as scared as I was. Just be careful in the future because I read some really disturbing articles on cervical bruising that have me spooked.”

  I chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’ll be careful. But that’s not really what I was asking.”

  Her smile fell. “Oh.” She paused for a breath. “Yes, but you make me want to be brave.”

  I pulled her into my chest, feeling the pain with every heartbeat. “Cam, there’s only so much I can do. It’s all up to you. All of it. Because I’ve given you all of me. You have to do the rest. It won’t work any other way.”

  Her cheek was warm against my skin, her head tucked under my chin. “I know,” she said softly.

  I didn’t know what else to say, so I didn’t say anything, just held her against me, tracing patterns on her arm until she fell asleep. But sleep wouldn’t find me, not when I was consumed with worry over what tomorrow might bring. Not when I wanted the night to last as long as it could. But I thought of her promise, held on to it like it would save me, and only then did I slip away into sleep.

  22

  THE CONSTRUCT

  Cam

  THE MORNING CAME TOO SOON, with the chiming of my alarm that ripped me from Tyler’s arms. It was early — seven in the morning may as well have been four for as tired as I was, the long night coming back to me slowly, emotion by emotion.

  Dancing with him. Kissing him. Laughing with him. His body against mine. The promise I’d made.

  I sighed, smiling over at him. He lay stretched out in my bed on his stomach, shoulders rising and falling slowly, his cheek pressed against the pillow and arms folded underneath it.

  I could have stayed there all day.

  He’d asked me last night to let go, and I did. I wanted to be with him more than anything. I wanted his happiness, wanted to see him look at me the way he did last night again and again.

  The weekend was going to be forever long without him.

  I sighed again as I slipped out of bed and pulled on a T-shirt, making my way into the kitchen to brew coffee. Tyler was off since he was leaving for Nebraska, so I dressed silently, not wanting to wake him. I turned to watch him for a moment longer and smiled, filled again with the sense of being his, of him being mine.

  Optimism blossomed in my heart.

  It was a little later than I usually woke, so I hurried out of the apartment with coffee in hand and my bag on my shoulder, popping in my earbuds as I headed for the train station. I happily replayed all the highlights from the night before, the feeling of being in his arms as he towed me around the dance floor. His smile. His body. His admissions. He was afraid just as much as I was, but instead of running away, he was running toward me.

  But this was it. No more uncertainty for me, not after him begging me to choose. Not after the promise I made. There was no going back — I had to keep myself in check, because I’d used all my extra lives. It was time to put up or shut up.

  Once I’d savored the best moments, my mind turned to the other events of the night. Seeing Jessica, what I’d said to her, wondering if anyone at the table had heard me. Nearly tripping and falling into Kyle. Kyle’s cold smile and his words, words that were the voice of every fear I had. Those words echoed in my mind, and as hard as I pushed, as deep as I tried to bury them, they always came back.

  And deeper still my thoughts wound, into the basement of my heart, down to Will. Lying in his arms, the promises he made and broke. As long ago it was, the wound had been ripped open, fresh and raw. That mistake had changed me, a mistake I swore I’d never repeat. But I found myself breaking all the rules I’d carefully made to protect me against the very situation in which I’d ended up.

  By the time I made it to work, my smile had disappeared, the lightness of my heart gone, weighed down by anxiety. The little voice in my head pointed out every shortcoming, every misstep, undermined everything until it was all caving in on me. That voice told me everything I didn’t want to hear, whispering its evil in my ear.

  It’ll never work.

  He could never really love me.

  He’s lonely. I’m just keeping the bench warm.

  But the way he looked at me, the way he touched me …

  Maybe that’s just Tyler. It’s not me, it’s just his natural state.

  But he told me he wants me.

  So did Will.

  He’s nothing like Will.

  But he makes me feel exactly like Will did.

  And that was really the core of it. I’d only felt like this about a man before once — with Will — and he destroyed me. Tyler would be exponentially worse, and I wondered how I would survive it without it obliterating my soul, turned into a nuclear wasteland.

  My thoughts circled around and around, a carousel of broken horses to the tune of staggering self-doubt. And by the time I made it to work, my compass was spinning in circles. I barely looked at Rose when I walked into the office, the war in my heart aching, ribs sore.

  “Hey,” she said.

  I set down my bag, not meeting her eyes. “Hey.”

  She was watching me, and I pulled out my laptop, refusing to look at her.

  “How’d it go last night?” she asked, though I heard a hundred other questions.

  “Fine,” was all I offered.

  “Right. I mean, you look totally fine.”

  I didn’t say anything, just picked up papers and stacked them up, moving them to a corner of my desk.

  “Wow, Cam. That bad?”

  My throat tightened, and I swa
llowed down tears. “No, it wasn’t bad at all. It was perfect. He’s perfect.”

  “Then what’s the matter?”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat and sniffed, meet her eyes for only a millisecond before looking away. “I don’t know, Rose…” I struggled to find the words, flashes of the night before rolling through my mind. “I’m just really confused.”

  “What happened?”

  “We went to the party and everything was fine. Great, even. I felt right with him. But then I ran into his friend who told me — not for the first time, mind you — that I’m not for Tyler. He said Tyler was going to get bored and move on. That I’m not his type.”

  She blinked, surprised. “What a dick. Why would he say that to you?”

  I shrugged. “He’s not wrong.”

  “I dunno. I can’t believe that Tyler would get bored and up and leave anyone.”

  “I don’t belong in the same universe as him. Caring about him isn’t enough, Rose. I’m not enough. Being with him last night just proved it. You should have seen his ex. You know that meat sock dress I tried on the other day?”

  Her nose wrinkled. “Yeah.”

  “Well, she had on the Armani version of it, and she looked like she walked off the cover of Vanity Fair.”

  “So?”

  I shook my head. “You don’t understand, Rose. Look at you. You’re beautiful and edgy and smart, and guys love you — I mean, you legit have one of the hottest guys in Manhattan plowing you with his pierced dick.”

  A laugh shot out of her. “Oh, my God.”

  “But that’s not me,” I said, forging on. “I don’t date the hot guys. I did that once and I got burned. I get the guys who are prematurely balding and play Diablo, not the beautiful ex-football players. I’m way out of my league, and when he realizes it, when he leaves me …” I swallowed again, my nose burning. “I don’t think I can recover from that, Rose.”

  “So you end it before it’s begun?”

  “I didn’t say I wanted to end it.”

  “No, but if you keep this up you won’t have a choice. You have Tyler Knight tripping all over himself to convince you that he wants to be with you. What’s the problem here?”