“That. What you’re doing now. Don’t do it.”
“Okay. Well…” He leans into me, and he rests his mouth against my neck, barely touching me but it’s enough to make my heart start beating that little bit faster. “What about this? Can I do this? Hmm?”
“I hate you.”
“Sure you do. Come to bed and show me how much.”
“Evan…”
I really wanted that to sound like I’m still a little bit angry with him, but instead it comes out as a low groan, because he’s slid a hand up under my T-shirt, and his fingers are lightly brushing the curve of my waist, and it feels so good.
“Still hate me?” he murmurs as I feel his other hand slide down onto my hip bone.
“I still hate you.”
He looks at me, and he cocks his head to one side and he throws me that grin and I know he’s got me now. I’m done fighting this. “You really hate this face?”
I keep my eyes on his as he pushes my shorts down, and I step out of them, and neither one of us is breaking that stare now. “Did I say you could do that?”
“I think you might’ve given me permission, yeah.”
“Oh, my God!” I mock gasp as he cups my ass and pushes me against him. “So arrogant.”
His mouth touches mine, and he smiles. “Come on. Admit it. It’s what attracted you to me in the first place.”
“I don’t think it was.”
He laughs quietly, and he pushes me gently back against the counter and I gasp again as he touches me, as his fingers slide inside me, and I throw back my head and close my eyes as his mouth brushes the base of my throat.
I’m done fighting this.
I’m done…
Seven
Evan
I can’t sleep. My head’s too full of all the shit I’d managed to push to one side, while I was fucking my wife. But it’s back now. Those early hours of the morning can be a bastard for this kind of crap; for making you dwell on unwelcome thoughts that you don’t really want to think about, but you know you have to. You have to deal with them, at some point.
I leave Lola sleeping and I quietly get out of bed, pull on my jeans and go out into the living room. Another drink won’t help anything but I’m having one anyway, and as I sip my whiskey I walk over to the window and look outside. It’s almost three in the morning, but this city still looks awake and alive and I lean forward and rest my forehead against the glass, briefly closing my eyes.
The man I used to be, and the man I’m now becoming are beginning to feel like two very different people, and all of a sudden that scares the crap out of me. I fell in love, and that changed me. And I welcomed that change, Lola made me a better person. But did she also make me weaker? Less able to deal with the rest of the shit that’s currently raining down on me? Did falling in love; opening myself up to those feelings, did that make me more vulnerable? Am I slowly losing all that control; that ability to shut down the crap and deal with it the way I used to be able to?
I sigh quietly, down the rest of my whiskey and I turn around, leaning back against the window as I reach for my phone and make the call I came out here to make. It takes a few rings before she answers, and when she does her voice is groggy, and then I realize the time.
“Jesus, Evan, it’s three in the fucking morning.”
“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”
“Is everything okay?”
I let a couple of beats go before I reply. “I just needed to talk, that’s all.”
“Where’s your wife? Can’t you talk to her?”
“I told you, I don’t want her involved in this.”
“But it’s okay to wake me in the middle of the night, huh?”
“It’s what we used to do. You never complained back then.”
“We were kids, Evan. When you’re fourteen middle of the night phone calls are an exciting risk. Not so much when you’re in your forties with an early start looming and the effects of too much red wine the night before starting to make their presence felt.”
“Okay, I’m sorry, I’ll let you get back to sleep.”
“No, hang on. I’m awake now. And I’m worried about you. So, come on. What’s up?”
“I don’t know, Alicia, I just… I feel like I’m suddenly losing control.”
“Of what?”
“Everything.”
“And Evan King never loses control, right?”
“It’s not something I’m comfortable with, let’s put it that way.”
“Then go to your father’s funeral, confront whatever shit you feel you still need to sort out with your family, and get your head straight. Your mom wants you there, Evan. Heath wants you there.”
“You and him back together?”
“What makes you say that?”
“Just asking. You and my… you and Heath, you made a good team. And it wasn’t like you broke up on bad terms.”
“We were just too busy to concentrate on us, at the time, and no, we aren’t back together. But I’m still close to your family, Evan. Closer than you are.”
“There’s a reason for that.”
“Do you not think you’re just being stubborn now?”
“Stubborn? Really?”
“You always could be an irritating dick sometimes.”
“They’re not strictly my family though, are they?”
“They’re your family in every way that was important, and I can’t believe you can’t see that. What the hell changed, huh?”
“They lied to me.”
“Because they thought there was no need to tell you, Evan. Everything they did – they did it because they thought it was for the best. They were looking out for you, that’s all.”
“They lied, Alicia. They should’ve told me, not let me find out the way I did, and I don’t know if I can forgive them. That’s just me, okay? That’s the way I am, and I’m not sure I can change that. I lost the chance to find out if my real mother and father…”
“Your parents were – are your real mother and father. And why am I sitting here, at three in the morning, trying to get you to think like an adult? Sort it out, Evan. Grow up and accept what happened, go bury your dad, make it up with your mom, and start rebuilding that relationship with your brother, because he is your brother. Blood doesn’t always make family a family. And you two, you were close once. Remember?”
I close my eyes and drag a hand back through my hair. “How’s he doing?”
“He’s doing okay. Once your father’s condition started to worsen he moved from Chicago and began working out of the L.A. offices, to help your mom. He’s doing good. Made senior partner a couple of years back, round about the same time as me, as it happens.”
“Good. I’m glad he’s doing okay. Is he… is he married? Any family of his own yet?”
“No. Not yet. He’s just like the rest of us, Evan – work driven. Committed to the job. And he misses you. Y’know, none of what happened was Heath’s fault so, maybe you need to stop pushing him away.”
“I didn’t call you to talk about Heath.”
“No, you called me to talk about yourself, because that’s you all over. That narcissism never really goes away completely, does it?”
“Now I remember why we were never gonna work.”
She laughs quietly, and I can’t help smiling.
“Can we meet, Alicia?”
“Why?”
“I… I think I just need to talk to someone who knows what really happened. Because I need to move past this, I know I do. And right now I’m struggling. There’s shit going on at the minute that… It’s getting in the way. And I want – I need that to stop.”
There’s a brief silence, and I hear her sigh heavily.
“Seriously? You’re sighing because I asked you out to dinner?”
“Oh, is that what this is? You’re asking me out to dinner? Your wife okay with that, is she?”
“She doesn’t need to know. I’m not involving her in this, I
told you that. And it isn’t a dinner date, Alicia, it’s just two friends meeting, to talk.”
“And you think a couple of hours with me is gonna fix all your problems, huh?”
“It might help.”
“You know I’m only gonna nag you about going to your dad’s funeral.”
“And I’m gonna continue to tell you why that isn’t gonna happen.”
“You’re making this sound like so much fun, do you know that?”
“Be the friend I need right now, Alicia. Please.”
She sighs again, but it’s a quieter, less heavy sigh this time. “Come to mine. Tonight. After eight. I’m looking at possible premises for Daniel all day and the last viewing’s at six-thirty. Now get the hell off this phone and let me get some sleep.”
She hangs up and I look down at my phone and I smile slightly. I don’t know whether that conversation made me feel better or not but I’m glad, that we’re meeting later. Because she’s right, I do need to face up to what happened; the way I handled it all. And once I start doing that, maybe then some of that control I feel like I’m losing will start to come back.
I like the new me.
But I miss the old one.
And I think I need a little of him back now.
Lola
I can’t hear what he’s saying, I’m too far away, because I don’t want him to see me. But I watch him as he talks into his phone, and even though his head is down I can see a slight smile on his face, and I don’t know how that makes me feel, exactly. I don’t know who he’s talking to, maybe it’s Dana, but it has to be someone who isn’t going to mind him calling them at three in the morning.
I felt him get out of bed. He probably thought I was asleep, but I wasn’t. Not really. I’d dozed off a couple of times, but he was unsettled, I could tell. I heard him sighing, felt him tossing and turning. So when he got up I waited, and then I got up too, because I thought he might finally want to talk. That he might need to talk. And I was right, he did. Just not to me.
I watch him for a few more seconds, and then I turn and head back to bed. Whatever’s going on in his life, it’s beginning to feel more and more like he can’t share any of it with me. Maybe he never will, and maybe I need to get used to the fact that I may never completely know Evan King.
I fell in love with the man.
I married the man.
But I may never really know him.
Eight
Lola
“Hey. What’s with the leaving before me? You didn’t wake me…”
“You needed the sleep.” I glance up from my laptop and look at my husband. His expression is slightly bewildered, but that’s understandable. He doesn’t know I saw him sharing secret early hours of the morning phone calls, he has no idea. And I don’t want him to know. We can all keep things hidden. “And besides, I had a lot of things I needed to do while it was still quiet around here, like make sure that senior partners’ meeting you asked me to set up for this morning was all organized. Did everything go okay? At the meeting?”
He narrows his eyes slightly, and I hope he isn’t going to push this, I’m really not in the mood. “Yeah… everyone knows about Dana heading over to L.A. now, so… Are you all right?”
“I’m fine. I’ve left your mail on your desk, and Dana wants to see you when you’ve got a minute. I’ll go fetch your coffee.”
I stand up but he reaches out and gently takes my hand, stopping me from leaving just yet.
“Hey, hang on a second… Come here. Come on.”
He pulls me closer, and despite everything I’m feeling I close my eyes and give in to his kiss; let his hand rest firmly against the base of my spine.
“I love you, Lola. Okay?”
His thumb gently strokes my cheek, and his eyes – they’re looking deep into mine and I believe him. I know he loves me. I just don’t understand why he won’t talk to me, and it hurts. Doesn’t he trust me?
“Okay.” I force a smile and he kisses me again before he lets me go and heads into his office. I watch him for a second or two, because watching him at work is probably one of my favorite things to do. He exudes a kind of power that’s both arrogant and sexy as hell and I hug myself to stop a shiver from engulfing me. I don’t want the memories of great sex to mask the reasons why that sex happened in the first place. So I turn away and head down to the partners’ kitchen.
“Hey… You okay?”
I look up at the sound of Jess’s voice, not realizing until now that I’d actually had my head down. “I’m good, yeah.”
“You sure?”
“I said I’m fine.”
“All right. Just asking, y’know, being a concerned friend and all.”
I sigh quietly and lean back against the countertop, raking a hand through my hair. I know that came out way more harsh than I’d wanted it to, and I shouldn’t be taking my frustration out on Jess. I shouldn’t be taking it out on anyone. I should be dealing with it.
“I’m sorry, Jess, I just didn’t get much sleep last night, that’s all.”
“More incredible sex, huh?” She looks at me over the rim of her mug and raises an eyebrow. I throw her a look right back, and frown slightly. “Sex not that incredible?”
I know she’s only trying to lighten my quite obvious mood, and I’m grateful for that because here, at work, it isn’t really the place to be talking about any of this.
“I’d better get Evan’s coffee.”
I find his mug and look for the cream, and I know Jess is still there. Still watching me. Since Kat left with Eric to oversee the setting up of his own law firm in New Jersey, I’ve become even closer to Jess. She’s become like that second sister I never had, and I love her. She’s been good for me. She’s been that rock I sometimes still need, she’s my person. And right now, yeah – I might really need her now.
“How do you fancy some Mexican take-out from that new place around the corner from my soon-to-be-old apartment? Tonight. Bring a bottle, or two. We can talk. Okay?”
I turn around and I smile at her. “Thanks, Jess.”
“Hey, come on, that’s what we do, right? When one of us needs to talk, the other organizes take-out and offers up a shoulder. Come straight round after you’re done here.”
She throws me a wide, friendly smile as she leaves the kitchen and I lean back against the counter again and fold my arms as I look out across the huge foyer, which is much busier now as another day at Cavendish King gets underway. And I take a second or two to just let it all sink in, where I am now; how fast it all happened, because sometimes that still takes my breath away, and I’m not entirely sure I’ve caught it yet.
I turn to pick up Evan’s coffee and I make my way back to his office, and this time I make sure my head is up and my shoulders are back and I give nobody any reason to think I’m not in any way okay. I really am fine.
Evan isn’t there when I go in to give him his coffee, and I assume he’s gone to see Dana. And then I see that he’s left his phone on his desk and for a second I actually contemplate picking it up and scrolling through his calls to see just who he was talking to at 3am this morning. And then I stop myself, I’m not turning into that kind of woman, I trust him. I do. I trust my husband, because if I don’t, then this marriage can’t work. It won’t work, so I leave his office and go back to my desk, I don’t give that crazy idea another thought.
“Hello again.”
I look up to see the woman who’d come in to see Evan a couple of days ago standing by my cubicle, her dark hair falling loose around her shoulders in perfect waves, her make-up flawless. “Alicia, isn’t it?”
She smiles, and this time I think it actually does reach her eyes. “Yes, that’s right. Is Evan around by any chance?”
“I think he’s in with Dana at the minute, can I take a message?”
“You think? I would have thought you’d know his exact whereabouts every minute of every day.”
“I’m his secretary, not his stalker. But if you’d like
to leave a message I’ll make sure he gets it.”
The smile freezes on her face, and maybe I was a touch harsh there, not to mention a little unprofessional, and that just isn’t me, I don’t do that. I’ve never done that, and I hate that I’ve let it happen now. I’ve let emotion get to me, at work, and that was something me and Evan agreed we’d never let happen. Whatever was going on at home; whatever was happening between us, personally, we’d never let it affect us at work. Because it’s so easy to do that. So fucking easy.
“No. There’s no message… Will he be long?” Her tone’s decidedly frosty now, but I can’t really blame her. So I suck it up – whatever it is, because I don’t think I’m entirely sure – and ditch the bitchy attitude. That really isn’t me.
“You can wait in his office, if you like. He shouldn’t be too long, but I can let him know you’re here.”
“Thank you.”
She’s suddenly lost the ice from her voice, and I think we might be reaching some kind of truce now. I mean, what’s actually going on here anyway? Am I seriously getting all possessive over Evan? Is that what’s happening? Am I jealous? Of what, exactly?
“I’ll go make some coffee.”
“You don’t have to do that…”
I throw her a more friendly smile; a warmer smile, after all, I have no idea why I feel so on my guard around this woman. But it’s my problem, not hers.
“It’s fine. I could do with one myself.”
“Okay, well, that’s very kind of you. Is it okay if I…?”
She indicates Evan’s office and I nod. “Go right on in. I won’t be long.”
I make my way to the partners’ kitchen and set about making two mugs of coffee, and I’m trying to put to the back of my mind all the ridiculous, irrational, thoughts that seem to have taken up residence in there over the past couple of days.
“Making me one without me having to ask first, huh?”
I turn around at the sound of his voice, all low and deep with the ability to make my skin tingle. And I smile at him. “Neither of these are for you, actually.”
Willfully Hers (The Dirty Business Series Book 2) Page 6
