Jest Right

by Piers Anthony

  The moose grunted. Tata’s screen flickered.

  “They do, and are,” the peeve said. “Chocolate pigs locate them and dig them up. They’re a rare delicacy.”

  “Growing from tailings?” Magnus asked. “Yuck!”

  “Let’s go find Che Centaur,” Dolph said, growing impatient with these diversions.

  Frank held forth his arm. “That way.”

  “Um, shouldn’t we check with the Alchemist?” Nia asked. “Since this is his island.”

  The moose grunted. Tata’s screen flickered. “He’s too busy to socialize with visitors,” the peeve said. “There would be a crisis if the chocolate ran out. Just get your business done and move on.”

  “There he is!” Squid cried.

  Indeed, there was the winged centaur carrying a bag of truffles. “Hi. Peeve,” he said as the bird flew to him. “I didn’t know you had a sweet tooth. Sweet teeth don’t go well with insults.”

  “Prince Dolph needs to talk with you,” the peeve said. “Frank Stein brought him.”

  “Riding the three little princesses’ fireboat,” Che said, spotting the craft.

  “They’re not so little any more,” Kadence said, stepping forward. “I’m Rhythm’s daughter, and this is Aria, Melody’s daughter.”

  Che stared at her. “I must have gotten sadly out of touch! I thought those two were still under one year old.”

  Aria laughed. “It’s complicated. Come talk with us, okay? We’ve got serious business afoot.” Both princesses smiled winsomely. They were very good at getting the attention of any male they focused on. Jess realized that Nia was right: soon they would become young ladies, and the mischief would be much worse.

  Before long they had formed a group around the winged centaur, with the children chewing on chocolate tailings while the adults caught up with the mission.

  “You’re right,” Che agreed. “This is quite serious business. I must compliment you two princesses for your poise, considering the horror you fled.”

  “It hasn’t happened yet,” Kadence said. “Our folks are fine at present.”

  “And we hope to see that they never get deleted in the future,” Aria said. “By changing history to ensure that Ragna Roc never gets loose again. So we never will suffer that grief.”

  Che eyed them with a certain caution. “You do understand about paradox? You can’t technically undo history. You can only change it marginally by shifting tracks.”

  “We do understand,” Kadence said. “And we want to change it as little as possible. That’s why we need Prince Dolph, and you. Because you know how.”

  Che shook his head. “I do not know how. That is an extremely delicate operation, fraught with mischief.”

  “But—” the two princesses started together.

  “Peace, girls,” Che said, holding up a hand in a stop gesture. “I don’t know how, but I can take you to the one who surely does know how.”

  “And who is that?” Kadence asked.

  “Sim Bird. The Simurgh’s chick I tutored for years. It is his job to acquire all the knowledge of the universe so that his mother can finally retire. He has gone well beyond me now. He’s a very smart bird.”

  That was surely an understatement, Jess thought.

  Chapter 9

  Stench Planet

  Frank and Frankie decided to remain and have their honeymoon on Chocolate Island, so the others bid farewell to the happy couple and boarded the boat for the next excursion. “You do know where to find Sim Bird?” Dolph asked Che anxiously.

  “Oh yes. He is now doing research in the less scure areas.”

  “The what?”

  “Or more obscure, if you prefer that phrasing.”

  “This promises to be dull,” Noe complained.

  Che’s smile became less scure. “That may depend on your perspective.”

  “I know about perspective,” Noe said. “That’s when you’re zooming along on Fibot and looking at the passing scenery, and it’s supposed to stay in place, but the farther away it is, the more it tries to cheat and keep up. So you have distant mountains staying right even with you, when they wouldn’t dare if they were right next to you.”

  “Well, nobody likes to be left behind,” Che said tolerantly. It was becoming clear to Jess that the centaur was no slouch at intellect, either. After all, he must have been smart enough to tutor the smartest of birds. But of course all centaurs were intelligent. “However, there are different types of perspective, and the mental type applies to the way a person views things. What is dull to one might be fascinating to another. What one likes very well another might hate.”

  “Okay, I dare you,” Noe said. “Show me how research in obscure areas could ever be interesting to a child like me.”

  Che’s smile played peek-a-boo with his face. He was teasing Noe, Jess saw, only she didn’t realize it. Yet.

  “Sim is on one of the Worlds of Ida. We’ll be going there once we get clear of Chocolate Island and phase back into Xanth proper. I believe Santo has a certain talent for connecting distant worlds.”

  “Sure he does,” Noe said. “I’m starting to get bored already.”

  “The world Sim is now on, where we will join him, is called Stench.”

  “Stench? Is that like a bad smell?”

  “A very bad smell,” Che agreed. “This world is where they grow stink horns, among other things.”

  “Stink horns! But when you accidentally step on one—”

  “It makes a foul-smelling noise,” Che finished. “And a filthy brown odor.”

  “Yes. Everyone knows that.” Then Noe paused. “We’re going there?”

  “Indeed. Where you can step on all the stink horns you want to.”

  “But they’re disgusting. I hate stink horns.”

  “They give free ones to each visitor.”

  “Yuck! I’m repelled.”

  “But not bored. No one said you had to be thrilled.”

  She gazed at him silently. He had skunked her, and now she knew it.

  The Land of Xanth phased in ahead of them. The island was returning to reality for another brief visit. Win got her wind going and blew it at the sail, which flickered into a fiery star shape. They sailed off the island and into Xanth proper.

  Che turned to Santo. “If I understand your talent correctly, it is borderline Magician caliber. You can make a hole of any size, ranging from pinhole through a sheet of paper, to fire-boat-sailing size to other planets. Am I correct?”

  Obviously he was, Jess thought, and he knew it. This supremely smart centaur was just being polite.

  “Correct,” Santo agreed. Jess had caught on that he was no intellectual slouch himself.

  “Except for one thing,” Noe said. “You call his talent borderline Magician caliber. What’s borderline about it?”

  Che regarded her with a spark of interest. “You are his girlfriend?”

  “Yes. So I defend him when he’s too nice to do it himself. You didn’t answer my question.”

  The centaur smiled. “I teased you, just now. Now you are teasing me back. You know the answer.”

  “Sure I do. Do you?”

  Che glanced at Nia, “You are the matriarch here, young as you may appear. Noe is not the only child present. Would a straight answer in your opinion violate the Adult Conspiracy?”

  Nia pursed her lips. “You don’t pussyfoot around much, do you.” It was not a question.

  “Centaurs don’t pussyfoot. We do hesitant hoof it on occasion.”

  They all laughed. Then Nia got serious. “These children are unusual. Four of them are from an abusive future, and have experienced serious threats to their lives after losing their original families. They are technically unrelated but regard themselves as orphan siblings. Two of them are not part of the sibling group but their association
with it has matured their perspectives, as you know. Two others are spiritually visiting from a shocking future of their own; in fact we are now working to change that future if we can. Considering such backgrounds, and the importance of their participation in what may be a deadly mission, it is my judgment that the notorious Adult Conspiracy may on this occasion be bent somewhat aside without considering it an actual violation. They do need to know the straight score, and if the Conspiracy gets in the way, it should be abridged. It would be foolish to honor it to the letter if that should mean that the future of Xanth is lost.”

  “Well spoken, Nia. It appears that you are a significant thinker.”

  Nia laughed. “Hardly. I just happen to have had more social experience than the others here, and time to ponder my own mistakes and get some basics straight. I am trying to do better in my second life than I did in my first, physically, mentally, and emotionally.”

  “That will do,” Che said. He returned his attention to Noe. “I commend you for your support of a young man who needs it.”

  Jess realized that he was referring to the fact that Santo was gay. But what did that have to do with the classification of his talent?

  “Thank you,” Noe said. “So what’s the answer?”

  “Santo’s talent should be considered Magician caliber,” Che said. “But the old order dies hard in Xanth. The senior folk who render judgments on talents have certain qualities that some might consider to be biases. They do not necessarily understand why any person should prefer romance with his or her own gender. They suspect that there is something fundamentally wrong with that, and that no person who is wrong in such a manner can be right for classification as Magician or Sorceress.”

  “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Noe asked.

  “I am saying that Santo’s talent is Magician Caliber and some day should be recognized as such. But that classifications do not always match reality, for reasons folk are reluctant to openly express. I, however, represent only one person’s opinion.”

  “It will do,” Nia said. She put her arm around Santo’s shoulders, as he looked faint. “Old timers don’t know you as we do, Santo,” she said.

  He turned into her and sobbed into her shoulder.

  Noe was bewildered. “I thought he’d be pleased.”

  “He is, dear,” Nia said wisely.

  In due course the interrupted dialogue resumed. “Santo, can you make a tunnel to a far planet you have never seen?” Che asked.

  “Yes, if I have the right bearings.”

  “I possess those bearings. Sim Bird is currently researching on the planet Stench, as I mentioned before. We must intercept him there.” Che glanced around at the others. “Though this is unlikely to be a completely pleasant excursion. The deck and interior of Fibot will be protected from the smells, but any folk who leave the boat will be subject to them. We can not be certain that we can reach Sim without at same point leaving the boat.”

  Nia’s gaze swept across them. “Any who do not wish to take this risk may disembark here in Xanth. We can put you down in a safe place. Even the chocolate island if you wish. Who wishes to get off?”

  “Oh, blip!” Noe swore. “I hate bad smells, but I’m not going to desert Santo because of them.”

  “Thank you,” Santo said.

  She made a wry smile. “You can kiss me some other time.”

  No one else wanted to get off. Win took her place at the stern along with Tata and the peeve, and the others settled down in the seats.

  “Here are the coordinates,” Che said to Santo. Then, to Win: “Please orient the craft in this direction.” He pointed at an angle into the sky. Jess realized that this made sense, because a different planet was unlikely to be aligned with the local horizon.

  Win’s hair blew lightly forward. The sail came alive, this time in the form of a cloud of smog. The boat tilted upward, without putting its passengers off-balance. Jess kept being impressed anew by its magic.

  Santo focused. A spot appeared ahead of the prow. It expanded until it was the mouth of a tunnel big enough to admit the full sailing craft.

  “Weigh anchor,” Win said.

  Ula and Squid hauled up the anchor and weighed it on the scale. This, it seemed, was a necessary ritual. The boat was ready to travel.

  Win’s hair intensified. Jess knew the hair was not doing it, merely reacting to her talent of always having the wind at her back. She could vary the force of it at will. It was not Sorceress class, but it was more than good enough.

  The boat sailed on into the tunnel. They were on their way.

  Jess was impressed again. Santo’s power surely was Magician caliber. Noe stood beside him, and she certainly looked like a girlfriend. It was hard to believe that this was a relationship of mere mutual convenience. But of course she was a friend and a girl; there was the key. It was clear that Santo did not dislike women; he just didn’t see them as romantic objects.

  The passage was not long; there was obviously distance contraction involved. It was not a tube between worlds, but a spot connection between them, going through hyperspace or whatever. More evidence of high-quality magic.

  They emerged from the tunnel into a thick bank of evilly swirling smog. But the air on the boat was clear. Jess saw how the smog surrounded it but did not touch it; there seemed to be a translucent shield that kept the vile stuff at bay. That was a relief, because it was the stinkiest looking vapor Jess had seen. It kept writhing as if seeking some crevice to infiltrate so it could get at them.

  Myst made a face at it. But Jess hoped the girl did not try to mist out herself and join it; the stink might become part of her when she reconstituted.

  The hole closed behind them. Santo had done his job, and now was worn out. Noe took his arm and guided him down the hatch; he would need perhaps a day of thorough rest before he could do that again. Noe would be with him throughout, protecting him from intrusion. Jess understood that his sisters had taken turns doing it before. He simply needed someone he trusted to be there. Squid went down, too. Jess realized that it wasn’t to watch Santo, but to be company for Aria, whom Noe hosted. It all made quiet sense.

  “Now we orient on Sim,” Che said. “He’s a distance across the planet, but we’ll get there.”

  Win revved up her wind, and it blew the sail onward. Jess noted with passing interest that the wind that brushed by them on deck was not polluted; the air inside the protective bubble remained clear. Yet it caught the sail and propelled the craft smartly forward. That did not fully accord with her notion of how a sailing ship worked. But of course this was magic.

  Soon they emerged from the smog bank—and entered another. This world, it seemed, was literally covered in smog.

  They encountered another break in the smog. Now the vegetation was visible, a field planted in skunk cabbage. Farther along was a lake filled with floating dead fish, the sickening odor almost tangible. Beyond that was what looked—and surely reeked—like a mountain of old vomit; with trolls with clothespins on their noses heating portions to make them ripen faster. Then a rotten egg plantation, with decaying zombie chickens laying them. And a town consisting of what looked like corpulent apes with indigestion, carefully saving their emissions in balloons. This was certainly the home of bad smells. There must be a market for them, though Jess had trouble imagining what it might be.

  “Right up ahead,” Che said. “Then: “Uh-oh.”

  Jess saw what he meant. Sim was a lovely roc-size bird, but his legs were trussed up and he was lying on his back in a cage. He was a prisoner!

  “We arrived just in time,” Magnus said.

  “Indeed,” Che agreed. “I will go out and untie him, so he can join us here on the boat.”

  “But will he fit? He’s bigger than the boat!”

  Nia laughed “You forget the qualities of Fibot. It can carry any size.”

 
“That isn’t the problem,” Dolph said. “First you have to get into that cage, which looks to be woven of fine ironwood mesh which would take hours to clip through.”

  “And must have an alarm to summon its proprietor the moment it is breached,” Magnus said. “We don’t want that.”

  “There’s also something odd about the knot holding the cord to his legs,” Dell said. “I haven’t seen one like that before.”

  “I have,” Che said. “That’s a Gourdian Knot.”

  “A Gordion Knot?” Nia asked. “The one that can be untied only by a conqueror? I thought that was lost in Mundania.”

  “Gourdian,” Che said. “Fashioned from the vines of a peephole gourd. That can be untied only by a gourd resident with proper instruction.”

  “We just happen to have a night mare along,” Win said brightly. “She’s a creature of the gourd.”

  “Retired,” Imbri said. “And I don’t have hands to work a knot.”

  “But I do,” Win said. “You can borrow them. With Tata to tell us how.”

  “And me to translate,” the peeve said.

  “And me and Myst to help,” Ula said

  “Except that the knot is on the bird, inside the cage,” Nia said. “Where we can’t reach.”

  “Perhaps we can,” Magnus said. “I have had some experiences with cages. They generally have ways in and out, if you can figure them out. This one looks heavy, but is not actually anchored to the ground. It has four main supports. If a person lifted it at each support, we might get it high enough so that the children and animals could scoot under and reach the knot.”

  “I think we have a plan,” Dolph said. “We don’t want to delay, lest the proprietor of that cage return for his catch.”

  “Now is the time,” Dell agreed.

  “Except for one thing,” Nia said. “It is our policy never to have all of us leave the boat at the same time, lest some intruder come to molest it. He couldn’t actually use it, but he could damage it.”

  “We have five adult humans and a centaur,” Magnus said. “We can spare one. Appoint a temporary guardian.”