Hello Forever

by Sarina Bowen

  The sound of Axel’s voice was all it took to unstick me. Without my permission, my body moved toward the person I wanted to see most in the world.

  I took those stairs in a daze, following Axel into the apartment at the top. The first thing that hit me was the smell of something wonderful cooking.

  “My place isn’t much,” he said, reaching for my coat. I handed it over. Then he headed over to a tiny excuse for a kitchen as I shut the door behind me. “But I liked the location.”

  “It’s…nice,” I said. And it was. The room wasn’t large, but it was like a little woodsy hideaway. Axel bent over to check something in the oven, and I found myself admiring the way his ass filled out a pair of dark-wash jeans.

  Stop, I chided myself. Staring at men’s butts was something I did all the time. It was the only sex I ever got, and therefore I felt entitled. But I couldn’t stare at that ass—on the only man I’d ever touched. Just thinking about what we’d done in that tent all those years ago made my pulse jump and my cock grow heavy.

  Moving on. I took a deep breath and thought of my father’s angry face. That always did the trick.

  Beyond the kitchen and dining table, there was a small, two-seat sofa facing a rather nice wall-mounted TV. And on the far wall, a generous row of windows looked out on the moonlit pines. He’d put his bed over there. That’s what I would have done, too.

  I looked away, because there was no way I could think about beds while I was here. There were precious few places I could comfortably rest my eyes while standing in a room with Axel.

  There was snow dripping off my boots, so I kicked them off and carried the bottles I’d brought over to the counter. “I brought you a couple of local beers.” I lifted a four-pack onto the counter. “And a bottle of red. That’s my drug of choice.”

  Axel turned around and smiled at me, which was a real shock to my system. Damn, that smile. “Can I pour you a glass?”

  What was the question? “Um, thanks.”

  He opened a drawer and pulled out a corkscrew while I tried not to notice the muscles flexing in his arms. “Actually, can you open ’er up? I need to make a salad dressing.”

  “So…” I cleared my throat. “You cook, huh?”

  “Sure. You?”

  I made myself busy opening the wine. “No, sir. I had a roommate in college who did all the cooking. I tell him all the time that it’s his fault I’m helpless.”

  Axel laughed. “Sounds pretty handy, actually. Anyone special?”

  It took me a minute to understand the question. “Oh—no. Not like that.” I felt my face reddening at the idea. My roommate Gil had no idea about me. Even after four years of living together.

  Axel began whisking a bowl of oil and vinegar. I watched him, feeling as though I was having an out of body experience. He was both incredibly familiar and terribly strange. Axel had bulked up, and I sure did appreciate the view. But I could still see the skinnier teenager that he’d once been.

  Trippy.

  I cleared my throat. “Are you going to tell me what brings you to Barmuth? I mean…obviously basketball. You always loved basketball.”

  He turned and shot me another smile, this one so gorgeous that I knew I’d be taking a cold shower later. “Yeah, I never got over my obsession with hoops.” He chuckled. “I work for the athletic department in marketing. I’ll be covering soccer and lacrosse, too.”

  “Wow. That’s a cool job. But why Barmuth?”

  Axel looked down at the counter and bit his lip, which seemed like an odd reaction. “Well, they offered me a job. And nobody else did. Every guy wants to talk about sports for a living, I guess. There aren’t a lot of openings.”

  My answer was a reflex. “Not every guy.”

  He laughed. “Fair enough. Anyway—I’d never spent any time in Massachusetts, and I didn’t really know what to expect. But there was nothing keeping me in Ohio. After graduation, my boyfriend dumped me and my friends all moved away. So I put my TV and my clothes in a rental van and drove out here.”

  My boyfriend. Well, that answered that question. Axel liked men. I felt another tightening in my groin just picturing Axel with a man. Axel unbuttoning another man’s shirt. Axel’s hands on a man’s chest.

  Jesus. Time to talk about sports again. “Your degree is in marketing?”

  “That’s right. So what do you do here in town?” he asked.

  That was safe territory. “I’m a graduate student in Economic History. So I’m taking courses for a year before I start doing research for my dissertation. And I’m working as a teaching assistant. In fact, your landlord is in my section of an econ class.”

  Axel looked up in surprise. “No shit? Josh is your student?”

  “Truth.” I must have looked nervous then, because Axel left his whisk alone and gave me an appraising look. “You didn’t want to run into anyone you knew tonight, did you?”

  God, am I that transparent? Slowly, I shook my head.

  Axel gave his dressing one more stir and then poured it in a thin stream over the salad. “Did you know that Josh is married to a man?”

  “What?”

  Axel grinned down at the salad bowl. “His husband is a mechanic named Caleb.”

  “I didn’t…” I stammered. “I couldn’t tell.”

  My ex-best-friend stopped tossing the salad, leaned his hip on the counter and crossed his arms. “Hey, Cax?”

  Hearing him say my name turned my stomach into jelly. “Yeah?”

  “I don’t really have you figured out yet. But you look fucking terrified over there. I didn’t mean to freak you out by asking you over. I was just trying to be friendly.”

  I probably winced. “I know that. My life is complicated, though.”

  His face fell. “Will you tell me about it?”

  “I think I have to.”

  He opened the oven and pulled out a pan. “Okay. Let me serve this up, and you can tell me all about it while we eat.”

  I peered over the edge of the pan. “God, that’s beautiful. What is it?”

  “Chicken breast stuffed with feta cheese and lemon zest.”

  “Wow.” My mouth watered even before he’d finished the description.

  “And twice-baked potatoes.” He grabbed a pair of tongs and lifted a piece of chicken onto a clean plate. Then he added two halves of a twice-baked potato and handed the plate to me.

  I stared down at the beauty on the plate. “Damn. I don’t even know what to say.”

  “Say you’re hungry. Let’s eat.”

  * * *

  We sat down at his little table, where Axel lit a candle. (A candle! What man does that?) But damn if he didn’t look even more attractive with that soft glow on his face.

  I lifted my wine glass and tried to relax. I was basically living out my fantasy right now—a private dinner with a ridiculously attractive man. A glass of wine. A secret hour without interference from the depressing forces in my life.

  “What have I missed?” Axel asked, slicing into his chicken. His gorgeous eyes flicked up to mine. “Tell me.”

  Reality caught up to me pretty fast when he asked that question. But I took a bite of his excellent cooking to stall. The chicken was tender, with gooey, salty cheese and an herbal seasoning that I couldn’t name. “This is fabulous,” I said after swallowing.

  He grinned. “Every food is made more awesome with melted cheese. It’s just a fact.”

  “True.” I took a fortifying sip of wine. “Okay, my father made my life hell after our incident at camp.” I knew I was blushing now, but there was no way around it. “That’s when he started slapping me around. He cut me off from a lot of people after that. Not just you.”

  Axel had stopped eating his dinner. “I’m so sorry, Cax. Seriously…”

  I held up a hand to silence him. “It’s not your fault. Nobody should ever take responsibility for my father’s actions. If I’ve learned anything in the last few years, it’s that.”

  “Okay,” he whispered.
r />   “He’s still barely civil to me. After I got home that summer, I spent months just trying to stay out of his way. Then, about ten months after I last saw you, my mother died of liver cancer.”

  Axel’s eyes grew large. “I’m so sorry.”

  “It was a long time ago. But it made my life complicated, because I have three younger brothers.”

  “I remember.”

  “Everything at home changed really fast. My mother died a few months after her diagnosis. My father didn’t get any nicer. He transferred here to Barmuth.”

  Axel leaned forward in his chair. “Here? You finished high school in Massachusetts?”

  “Sure did. And all my brothers still go to school here in town. After high school I went away to B.U. for four years, because I wanted to get away from him.”

  “Right. Why would you stay?”

  “Well…” I cleared my throat again. “Three reasons. Scotty, Mark and Jared.”

  “Your brothers.”

  “Yeah. That’s why I decided to do my PhD at Barmuth. My brothers need someone around who isn’t an asshole. They don’t have a mom. Scotty was only six when she died.” This was some really depressing shit I was unloading on him. “As far as I can tell, my father doesn’t hit them. I think he saved that just for me. But his mind games are pretty bad…” It was hard to talk about this stuff. The only person who ever heard these things from me was Amy. “Anyway. By the time I’m done with my doctorate, Scotty will just be turning eighteen.”

  “When is that?”

  “About six years from now.”

  Axel nodded. “You live at home?”

  “Oh hell no,” I said, and Axel laughed. “Actually there’s exactly one perk for being my father’s son—my graduate housing is half price because he’s an employee of the college.”

  “That’s handy.”

  “This whole setup only works because I don’t have to live under his roof. But I pick up Scotty from school most days. And I ferry the kids to some of their after-school crap.”

  He grinned. “And to basketball games.”

  “Yeah. I have five season tickets.”

  “Who’s the fifth one for?”

  I felt my face get hot. “Amy.”

  He cocked a single, sexy eyebrow. “Your girlfriend?”

  Slowly I shook my head. “She’s my ex,” I said. And that was technically true. But I was hiding a lot behind that statement.

  “You two must be close.”

  “Yeah,” I practically grunted. I’d been pretty depressed since Amy told me about her new man. I knew it wasn’t rational, but I felt like I was losing my friend.

  “Any new prospects on the horizon?” Axel asked. His eyes were beautiful in the candlelight as he studied me. I could tell he was fishing for clues about my sexual orientation. And damn if I wasn’t flattered. Again—it was my dream come true. Dinner with a gorgeous guy who might be trying to figure out if I was available.

  But dreams were for other people.

  “No,” I said slowly. “I don’t date. I can’t.” I took another bite of his excellent cooking. This was the only dinner he’d ever cook for me. I might as well enjoy it.

  “Why not?”

  I had to dig deep to find the guts to answer. “Well…this doesn’t leave the room, okay?”

  His face dropped. “You can trust me.”

  “Um…” I gave a nervous chuckle. “Amy will be the only girlfriend I ever have.” It was difficult to meet his eyes, but I managed it. And in his expression I felt warmth reflected back to me. “But if I want to have contact with my brothers, I can’t…date anyone else,” I said. “The old man lets me do a lot of his childrearing. But if I lived my life the way I want, he’d cut off contact. And I wouldn’t be able to keep in touch and make sure they’re being treated well.”

  He set down his drink. “That is damned depressing, Cax.”

  “I know. But it’s only six or seven more years.” I knew I sounded bitter.

  “Jesus.”

  There was a sad silence at the table. Having unburdened myself, I ate the last of my chicken.

  “I’m sorry you’re in such a bind,” he said softly.

  “Thanks. It is what it is. People have lived through worse.”

  “So when I need to know if there are any gay bars in the Berkshires, I shouldn’t ask you?”

  My heart stumbled over the idea of Axel out on the prowl, living his life while I hunched over my books. “Never been to a gay bar. Sorry.”

  “I don’t think I’m going to find one here, anyway,” he said quietly. “But maybe you could tell me instead—where should I go in this town? I mean generally. And, well, where shouldn’t I go?”

  That was a good question. “Not like I’m an expert on the subject, but the town of Henning is a pretty safe place to be queer. Ten miles in any direction it’s pretty rural. But still—this is Massachusetts. The most liberal place on earth.”

  He grinned. “Good to know. What else do you like about the place? Tell me what I need to know.”

  “Fine—the bookstore has the best coffee. And the people-watching can be good there.” I lifted my eyes to his and smiled. It was hard to believe all the private shit I’d told him tonight. But after the disastrous way our friendship ended, it felt good to tell him why. And now I had a new confidant. Trusting him was easier than I thought it would be.

  “Thanks.” Axel chuckled. “That’s exactly the kind of tip I’m looking for.”

  “The diner out on Route 11 is excellent, but I don’t make it over there very often.”

  “I don’t have a car,” he admitted. “I don’t want to spend the money until I’m sure the job is going to go well for me.”

  “Why wouldn’t it?”

  He pushed his plate away. “You never know. It doesn’t feel like the athletic department is staffed by homophobic assholes. But it’s a small department at a small school in a small town. I can’t just assume that I’ll fit in anywhere.”

  “Oh.” This was just the sort of complication that staying in the closet helped me avoid. It was really the only perk of denying myself the life I wanted.

  “The people I’ve met so far seem okay, though…”

  Axel told me about his job, and I loved hearing about it. I’d forgotten how easy it used to be with us. How we could shoot the shit for hours. Our conversation wandered to marketing and then TV shows…

  I could have sat there all night. But eventually Axel pushed back his chair and carried his plate to the sink. “Stop right there,” I said. “I’ve got the dishes.”

  “You don’t have to do that,” he protested.

  “But I want to.” I carried my plate over, too. Then I put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a playful nudge out of the way.

  He turned to me with a smile that I felt everywhere. “Fine. I’ll pour you another drop of wine. You’re not driving, right? I didn’t see a car.”

  “Right.” Because I’m paranoid about my car being spotted outside your home. I was such a shit.

  I washed the dishes and Axel dried. I drank my wine standing there in his kitchen, trying not to let my eyes drift over his body. I knew I couldn’t sit on the sofa with him. I didn’t trust myself.

  When the glass was empty, I set it on the counter. “I really should go. But this is the most fun I’ve had in a long time.” Why not tell the truth, right? It’s not like I could make a habit of this. Too risky.

  Axel must have sensed my martyrdom, because he looked a little sad. “Glad you could make it.”

  “Me too.” I grabbed my coat off the doorknob and put it on. I stepped into my boots. But then I stood there, unsure what to say next. Thanks, but we can’t do this again? Was this really it between us? Forever? That seemed impossible.

  While I tried to make sense of it all, Axel stepped closer. He was watching me carefully, probably trying to figure out why I was still standing like a statue in front of his closed door.

  The closer he got, the more aware of hi
m I became. The masculine breadth of his shoulders seemed to loom in my consciousness. I wanted to reach up and measure them against the length of my hands. The dark shadow of his evening whiskers begged me to reach out and touch his chin. How rough would it feel under my fingertips?

  I knew I should turn and open the door. But I just couldn’t make myself do it.

  His face softened as he took a half step closer. The distance between us was mere inches now. “Goodnight, Cax,” he said softly.

  Me? I said nothing. I’d been rendered speechless and motionless by all of my desires.

  Axel let his right hand drift over to take mine. I might have managed to turn it into an awkward handshake. And I think he was trying to let me do that.

  But I closed my fingers around his hand and squeezed.

  In response, Axel gave a tug, pulling me toward him, letting go only when we were chest to chest. I felt his hands slip under my jacket and land on my waist. Every cell of my body waited for him to kiss me. I wanted it so badly.

  I froze as Axel tipped his head, sighing as his lips moved in to graze my jaw. Goosebumps rose on my chest as he placed a single soft kiss at the corner of my mouth. “Mmm,” he breathed. Then he kissed my cheekbone. Then the side of my nose. His breath ghosted over my skin, and I screwed my eyes shut, waiting.

  And then I couldn’t take it anymore. I turned a fractional degree and found his lips with mine. And…goddamn. His lips were both soft and firm as we found each other. The kiss was so…tender. I’d spent a half hour telling Axel my life story during dinner. But somehow I was telling him the whole thing again in an instant. As our lips slid together, everything I’d ever felt for him hummed between us.

  His mouth softened, and I took advantage, slipping my tongue between his lips. I was so greedy. He tasted of red wine and man.

  Six years I’d waited for this to happen again. I moaned, and my hands found his chest as I leaned against him. That firm, wonderful chest.