by Sarina Bowen
I laughed, then lifted my beer to toast him. “Hindsight is clearer than the vision in my right eye.” Jason made a sad face, but I waved it off. “Gallows humor, man. And I’ll be jumping past you on the court in no time. That’s what they tell me.”
He smiled. “We’ll just see about that. Can I tell you something funny? You’re the first guy I ever asked out.”
“What?” I yelped through a mouthful. After swallowing, I asked for clarification. “How is that possible?”
“The thing about crazy families is that they come in all flavors.” He toyed with the straw in his soda. “My family is never going to put anyone in the hospital. But they have other ways of trying to control me. I’m twenty-five years old, and I’ve never dated anyone.”
Holy shit. “Holy shit,” I said aloud. “And I thought Cax was sheltered.”
“I hook up,” he said, his face reddening. “But I don’t date. Or I haven’t yet. It’s complicated. My family spent a lot of effort trying to convince me I was just confused. And I did my undergraduate degree at one of those colleges where you can get kicked out for acting on same-sex attraction.”
“Ouch.” I studied Jason’s handsome features and wondered how someone so friendly and so attractive had never had a boyfriend. He was too preppy to be my type, but still wildly attractive, with golden skin and long eyelashes. A pretty boy. “Then I’m sorry the first time you asked someone out, he said no.”
“I’m not. Seriously.” Jason smiled again, revealing a set of perfect teeth. “Because the world didn’t end when you said no. It made me wonder what I’d been so afraid of.”
“You shouldn’t be afraid. You’re smart and attractive and not an asshole. Not many people are going to turn that down.”
“We’ll see.” He crumpled up his hamburger wrapper. “Isn’t there a basketball game on?”
* * *
I was still waiting for the visitor I really wanted to see. When I talked with Cax on the phone again, I learned that his brothers were on winter vacation, and he was spending a lot of time with them.
The following Saturday I couldn’t take my isolation any longer. It took me about fifteen minutes to get my coat on over my broken arm. I wiggled my feet into my hiking boots so that I wouldn’t have to untie and retie them. And I managed a hat and mittens.
I left a note on the door. Nobody panic. I went for a walk. Whoever was on Axel Duty that day would probably find it before I got back. The last thing I did was to slip my phone into my coat pocket.
Outside, I found that it had snowed a few inches overnight. Fuck. Someone—Josh probably—had already shoveled the stairs down from my apartment. But the sidewalks were going to be tricky to navigate. I hated feeling so awkward and fragile. But I was not about to turn around.
Carefully, I made my way down the stairs. I took a look at the path through the woods. The snow had blown into drifts there. It looked passable, but difficult. Damn. It. All. I hated being injured. Worse yet, I hated that I was a little wary of walking through the park. I knew Mr. Williams was behind bars. But he’d made me afraid. And I’d never been afraid before.
Chin up, Armitage, I coached myself. I turned around and went the other way—down Newbury Street. The road had been plowed, but half the sidewalks were still buried.
I would just have to walk in the street.
I’d made it to the end of Newbury Street when a Toyota approached, then stopped at the curb. The window lowered and Caleb stuck his head out. “Whatcha doing?”
“Taking a walk.”
Caleb frowned. “I know that sometimes the point of taking a walk is to walk. But is there anywhere I could drop you?”
I only hesitated for a second. “Yeah, if you don’t mind. It isn’t far.”
“Get in.”
* * *
Five minutes later, we slowed to a stop outside the Williams house. Cax’s car was in the snowy drive. “Thank you,” I said.
“Will you call me if you need a ride home?” he asked quietly. “You don’t want to get in trouble with Josh. He might start checking on you four times a day.”
I laughed. “Okay. I hope I won’t need a ride, though.”
Caleb regarded me thoughtfully. “I hope you won’t, too. But don’t give up. I waited years to be with Josh. And it was worth it.”
Wow. “I guess I’ll try to be patient.”
He grinned. “Call me if you need a lift, though. It’s, like, a seven-minute drive.”
“I promise.”
After Caleb drove away, I picked my way up the snowy driveway and knocked on what must be the kitchen door.
A few seconds later the door was yanked open by Scotty. “Hi!” he said cheerily. “What happened to your face?”
My good hand flew to my cheekbone, as if covering my scar would make it go away. It hadn’t occurred to me that I’d have to answer that question. Cax had told the boys that their father was in jail for attacking someone, but he hadn’t told them who. “I had a bit of an accident,” I lied. “It looks worse than it is.”
“Bummer!” Scotty opened the door all the way, making room for me.
I stepped into a kitchen that opened onto a family room. The kitchen hadn’t been updated in a long time, but it was a good size, with a comfortable dining table. A teenage boy sat at the table reading the comics page from the newspaper. In the habit of teenage boys everywhere, he didn’t even look up when I entered. With his dark, bushy hair, he looked more like his father than like Cax.
In the family room stood a third boy, the middle one—he wasn’t a child like Scotty, but neither was he man-sized like his big brother. His eyes tracked me as I entered the room. But he didn’t stop eating the piece of toast he was busy cramming into his mouth.
“Mark!” Cax’s voice scolded from nearby. “Eat that in the kitchen. Or at least get a plate. The drill sergeant may not be here to march us around, but we can’t turn into slobs.”
Mark shoved the last of the toast into his mouth and brushed the crumbs off his hands, rendering the discussion moot.
Cax made an ornery sound and then came into view. He stopped short when he saw me, his face opening up into surprise.
“Hi,” I said.
He took a step toward me and then stopped. He opened his mouth and then closed it again. “Hi,” he said eventually.
“Um, I just…” I just shouldn’t have come.
As I watched, Cax gathered himself together. He started toward me again. “Cup of coffee? I just made a pot.”
“I’d love one. Thanks.”
“Let me take your coat.”
“Well…” That wasn’t as easy as it looked. “Give me a second.” I felt eyes on me as I fumbled with the zipper on my coat. I slid out my left arm with no trouble. But getting it off my broken arm required more effort.
“Here,” Cax said, moving closer. “Let me.” He lifted the weight of the coat off my shoulder and eased the sleeve off my cast.
We were standing very close. Lazy Saturday whiskers lay over his jaw, and I longed to lean forward and measure their roughness with my lips.
His gaze lifted to mine, and I saw longing there. The corners of his mouth twitched, too. But he said nothing. He only reached up to remove the hat from my head. “That’s better. Now let’s get you some coffee.”
It wasn’t until he turned away that I felt all the eyes on me. Mark, the toast-monster, was watching me with a grim expression. And the comic-reading teen was staring with undisguised curiosity. “Who broke your arm?” he asked suddenly.
Well, fuck. I looked to Cax for help, but his back was to me as he reached into a cabinet for coffee mugs. “Jared,” he said softly. “Not now.”
“It was Dad, wasn’t it?” Mark asked suddenly.
“Why would Dad break Axel’s arm?” Scotty asked. “Is Dad in jail for hurting Axel?” He finished the question on a squeak.
Slowly, Cax turned around. He held a mug of coffee in each hand. He took a sip from one of them before he spoke. “
Dad didn’t like Axel very much, but I do. Because Axel is my boyfriend.”
There was a deep silence, and I checked everyone’s faces. Scotty was blinking at me, as if trying to do the math. Jared—the teen at the table—looked as if he’d just tasted something bitter.
But it was Mark who looked truly horrified. “What the fuck?”
“Mark, don’t use that word,” Cax said automatically.
“What the actual fuck,” Mark spat, ignoring him. “You’re…” He turned to Cax, and I braced myself. I knew what was coming. “A faggot? My brother is a faggot.”
The other f-word. So much worse than the first one he’d used.
All the color drained from Cax’s face. “You watch your mouth,” he threatened. Cax had a really easy-going personality. But I was pretty sure I was about to see what happened when he snapped.
I didn’t get the chance, because Mark shot out of the room toward the front of the house. I heard a scuffle, the thunk of a pair of shoes, and then the sound of the front door opening. It shut with a bone-shaking slam a moment later.
Jared got up from the table. Giving me wide berth, as if I might be contagious, he left the room. Another door slammed somewhere else in the house.
That left Scotty. With his eyes still on me, he moved. He didn’t turn or run. Instead, he inched closer to Cax, sidling against him the way a frightened fawn moves closer to its mother.
Cax’s face was still white. He stood like a statue, holding the two cups of coffee.
I took a couple of steps forward and relieved him of one of them. He wrapped his now free hand around Scotty’s shoulders. “I’m sorry your brothers are freaking out right now,” he said to him quietly.
“But why are they?” Scotty asked.
Cax met my eyes with something like wonder on his face. Why indeed? How did you explain ignorance and prejudice to someone who seemed not to understand it? “Well…” He took a deep breath. “I surprised them, I think. They didn’t know that I had a boyfriend.”
“Oh.” Scotty’s small face was frowning, as if he still couldn’t make sense of it.
“Look,” Cax said, gesturing with his mug. “Sit down on the sofa. We need to get Axel off his feet.” He gave Scotty a nudge toward the family room.
Scotty trotted toward the cozier seating area.
“I should go,” I said.
“No.” Cax gave me a wan smile. “I wish you wouldn’t. I mean…” He sighed. “This might have gone better. But I’ve been avoiding you because I didn’t know how to tell them. I guess I don’t need to worry about that anymore.”
“But…” I sighed. “You have to deal with the fallout now. I’m just in the way.”
His eyes pleaded with me. “Please don’t walk out that door. There’s way too much of that in our lives. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable, but…”
“Okay,” I whispered.
He reached up and touched the mostly healed side of my face. “Come sit.”
I followed Cax over to the generous sofa. He sat down in the middle, and Scotty moved immediately to sit close to him. Cax dropped an arm over his littlest brother’s skinny shoulders.
Lowering myself carefully so that I wouldn’t jostle my arm, I sat in the opposite corner, leaving some space between Cax and me. I appreciated that he was willing to have me around, but I didn’t want anyone to feel weird.
“Where do you think Mark went?” Scotty asked.
“To a friend’s house, probably,” Cax said. “If we don’t hear from him in a couple of hours, I’ll call around.”
Scotty was silent a minute. “Amy wasn’t really your girlfriend,” he said. “I never saw you kiss her. Not like a real kiss.”
Cax chuckled. “You are smarter than your brothers. Did you know that?”
Scotty’s grin lasted about one second. Then his smooth brow wrinkled again. “Why did Dad break Axel’s arm? Why is Mark being a douche?”
“Don’t say…”
“Douche,” Scotty interjected. “I know. Just answer the question.”
I tried to hide my smile behind my coffee mug, but it wasn’t easy. Man, Scotty killed me. What a great kid.
“There are just some people in the world who don’t think it’s okay for a guy to have a boyfriend. I don’t have a better explanation than that. Because there isn’t one.”
“Dad didn’t like Axel?”
“Dad didn’t even know Axel. He just hated the idea of Axel and I together. See, Axel and I were friends in Ohio. And then I didn’t see him for a long time…” Cax turned his head to give me a little smile. “But then he moved here to work for the athletic department. And when Dad saw him that day I had the headache, he kind of flipped out.”
“Not kind of,” Scotty scoffed. “He had a major freak attack.”
“Yeah, and I’m sorry,” Cax said softly. “It’s not what I wanted for you. Or Axel.”
Scotty made a grumpy noise in his throat. “Is it awful that I’m glad he’s gone and you’re here? There’s no one screaming at us anymore.”
I saw Cax close his eyes. He leaned back on the sofa, his little brother’s head resting against his shoulder. “You aren’t awful, Scotty. You could never be awful.”
We were all quiet for a minute. I sipped my coffee, feeling self-conscious. But Cax’s hand reached across the sofa, finding the fingers of my broken arm where they protruded from my cast. He held them gently.
“Cax?” Scotty asked.
“Yeah?”
“Would now be a good time to ask you if I could watch the newest Avengers movie? It just hit Netflix.”
Cax chuckled. “Sure, kid. Turn it on.”
Scotty pointed the remote at the TV and began to click around, looking for his movie. When he found it, Cax let go of my hand and stood. “You need anything?” he asked me.
I shook my head.
“I’m going to try to talk to Jared.” He walked behind the sofa, then paused, his hand in my hair.
“Cool,” Scotty said, his eyes on the fight scene that opened the movie.
Cax leaned down and placed a silent kiss on the top of my head. Then he left the room.
“Who’s your favorite Avenger?” Scotty asked.
It took me a second to realize that I was the target of the question, because the kid’s eyes never left the screen. “Thor,” I said quickly.
“Not Iron Man? Really? Why?”
“I like his, um, hammer,” I said, then inwardly snickered. Thor was my favorite because I wanted to lick Chris Hemsworth’s sixpack. But the kid didn’t need to know that.
“Cool,” Scotty said, his small face pointed right at the screen.
I took another sip of coffee while the movie lit the room. A surprising contentment settled over me, and even Scotty gave a happy sigh.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Cax
I knocked on Jared’s door, but there was no response.
Typical.
“Jared.” I tapped again. Then I tried the knob and the door opened.
My brother was lying on his bed, earbuds in, staring at the ceiling. His gaze jerked toward me, and I braced myself to see disgust on his face.
There wasn’t any, though. I saw only the teenage reluctance I was used to seeing. He took the earbuds out.
I closed the door behind me and sat on his neglected desk chair. “I just want to say a couple of things.”
He nodded and sat up. For Jared, that was practically rolling out the rug for me.
“I know I never said anything before, but I’ve always been gay.” He flinched a little, but I soldiered on. “You’re probably shocked, but try to remember that I’m still the same guy you always call when you have a problem. I’m the same guy who shoots hoops with you in the driveway.”
“I know,” he said, his voice rough.
He did? I waited to see where that went. Unfortunately, he didn’t say another word. “Look, Dad never had any nice things to say about gay men. Or black men. Or…”
“I
know that,” Jared argued. “That’s not me, though, okay? I’m not like that.”
Studying him, I tried to decide what that meant. If he was trying to tell me that he was okay with it, I wasn’t sure I believed him. He didn’t look okay. At the risk of getting my head snapped off, I asked, “Then what’s with the long face?”
Jared rolled his eyes. “I miss Amy, okay? I hoped she’d be back.”
“Oh,” I said slowly. “The thing is…” I cleared my throat. “Amy and I weren’t really together. She has a boyfriend—a nice guy she met at work.”
Jared winced. “Shit.”
“Yeah. But she hasn’t, like, left the country or anything. I could have her over for dinner this week.” The truth was that I hadn’t told her any of my recent troubles. I’d been trying to give her space. She’d covered my ass for so long that I hadn’t wanted to drag her down into the latest disasters.
“I suppose,” Jared said with a sigh. “But it won’t be the same. She is…” He swallowed. “She was, like…” He looked away.
And all of a sudden I understood what he could not possibly say out loud, and it was just as sad as everything else that had happened this month. “It’s that she mothered us a little, didn’t she? Me included.”
Jared’s eyes snapped to mine, but he didn’t dare agree with me, because he couldn’t give a voice to an ache that big.
Of all of us, I’d had the most time with our mother. Jared had been twelve when she’d died—about Scotty’s age now. And Scotty had been in kindergarten.
After she’d died, I’d learned to live with that heartache. But I hadn’t realized how my brothers couldn’t really do that. Lately, I’d been so wrapped up in my father’s shortcomings that I hadn’t stopped to wonder what motherlessness was like for Jared.
My eyes filled unexpectedly. There were so many gaps in my brothers’ lives, and I was never going to be able to fill them all.
Jared turned his chin away, but not quickly enough for me to miss the single tear that rolled down his face. I had a decision to make. Hug him, or not? Usually, he’d rather die than receive my affection. But, Goddamn it, maybe this wasn’t one of those times.
