Lead Me Not

by A. Meredith Walters

  I rubbed my hands together, trying to keep them warm. “You want to take me somewhere?” I asked him, raising my eyebrows.

  Maxx chuckled. He chanced a look around before he reached out to cup the side of my face. “Somewhere special. Is that okay?” he asked, his thumb stroking my cheek.

  I closed my eyes briefly, knowing I’d cave. “Fine,” I said.

  Maxx’s grin was contagious, and I couldn’t stop my own smile from making an appearance. “Let’s go then,” he said, dropping his hand from my face and grabbing my hand, not caring who saw us.

  He headed me toward the parking lot. He opened the passenger door of his car, letting me inside. My stomach fluttered every time he did that.

  Once Maxx was inside, he started the car and cranked the heat. He took my hands between his and blew his warm breath over them. He kissed my fingers one at a time, smiling into my skin.

  The snow was falling more heavily now; it was settling in a thick coating on the grass. So far the roads seemed to be okay, but I worried about how safe his car would be on the road.

  “It looks like it’s getting pretty nasty out. Maybe we should do this another day,” I suggested, peering out my window.

  Maxx shook his head. “No way. This is perfect weather for what I have in mind,” he enthused, wrapping a hand around mine as he maneuvered his car out of the parking lot.

  “Why does that make me nervous?” I teased as Maxx pulled into traffic.

  “Don’t be nervous. I’ll take care of you,” he stated with total sincerity. I really wanted to believe him. When he was like this, relaxed and carefree, it was easy to let myself trust him.

  Maxx drove with little concern for the rapidly deteriorating weather conditions. The snow was coming down in heavy bands. “Maybe you should slow down,” I suggested, gasping as Maxx took a turn a little faster than I liked.

  Maxx snorted. “I can tell you’re from the South. Aubrey, this is nothing. I’ve driven in worse weather than this,” he placated.

  “Not with me, you haven’t,” I muttered, and Maxx laughed, though he did slow down considerably, much to my relief.

  A few minutes later, he parked along a nondescript residential street.

  “Where are we?” I asked, surprised when Maxx got out of the car. He came around to my side and held the door open for me to get out. He tilted my chin up and softly kissed my mouth, cold, wet snow mixing with the heat of his lips.

  “You’ll see,” he said, his eyes dancing. He went around to the trunk and popped it open.

  “Put these on,” he said, handing me a clunky pair of black snow boots.

  “No way will these fit me,” I scoffed, holding them up by their laces.

  “Just tighten up the straps on the sides. They’ll be fine,” Maxx assured me, leaning down to put on his own pair of boots.

  I did as he asked and took off my sneakers and handed them to Maxx, who tossed them into the trunk. I slid my feet into the boots, which were easily five sizes too big. I tightened the laces and buckled the straps on the sides as much as I was able to, though I knew I still looked ridiculous.

  I put my hands on my hips and gave him an irritated scowl. “Are you going to explain why you’re having me dress like Bozo the Clown?” I asked.

  Maxx handed me a thermos while he grabbed two final items from his car. He had obviously come prepared.

  “Sleds?” I asked incredulously.

  Maxx tucked the two red plastic sleds under his arm and smiled sweetly.

  “Yep, these are sleds,” he teased.

  He slammed the trunk closed and cocked his head in the direction of a wooded path between two houses. “Come on.”

  I clomped after Maxx in the snow, which had already accumulated up to my ankles. Walking in Maxx’s boots slowed me down considerably, and he had to stop periodically to allow me to catch up. He led me down a small lane that cut through a shaded group of trees.

  I could hear laughing and yelling off in the distance. We broke through the trees to find ourselves at the back end of a subdivision. Behind the row of houses was a steep incline that ended at a soccer pitch at the bottom.

  The place was teeming with kids. Obviously, the schools had been dismissed early because of the snow, and most of the local children had congregated at the most epic sledding hill I had ever seen.

  “This is where you wanted to take me?” I asked Maxx, looking up at him in astonishment. By this point, I should have given up on being surprised by anything Maxx did. But I couldn’t reconcile the man I had come to know with the person standing beside me now, holding two children’s sleds and looking as ecstatic as the kids around him.

  He shoved his hands in his pockets and took in the scene in front of him, a distant look in his eyes and a soft smile on his lips. “My mom used to bring me here on every snow day. It was something special that was just between us. She would let me sled down that hill until I couldn’t stand, and then she’d give me some hot chocolate and carry me back to the car.”

  I didn’t say anything, not wanting to ruin this rare moment of transparency. Maxx pointed to an outcrop of stone at the bottom of the hill. “I broke my arm after I hit a rock down there.”

  He laughed, and it was a sad and lonesome sound. “My mom freaked out. I got to ride in an ambulance, which for a nine-year-old was the coolest thing ever. So I didn’t think a lot about the fact that my bone was sticking out through my skin.”

  His smile faded and twisted into a grimace. “I haven’t been here since I was ten,” he murmured, staring ahead, lost in his memories.

  I felt my throat tighten and my eyes burn. I knew what he was doing, even if he didn’t realize it. He was giving me a piece of himself, a part of him that belonged to a time before the drugs. Before the club. Before his life had derailed.

  I took a deep, shuddering breath and tried to calm the erratic thump of my heart. How could I not lose my heart to the man who stood in front of me, giving me the most precious thing he had? His memories. His happiness. The parts of his life that were untainted.

  Maxx blinked a few times as if reminding himself of where he was. He turned back to me, his lip quirking upward slightly. He took the thermos from my hands, set it down beneath a tree, and handed me one of the sleds. “It’ll be fun. I promise,” he said, pulling his beanie out of his back pocket and putting it on.

  There were those words again. I promise.

  But this time, with his eyes sparkling and giddy, I actually believed him.

  I rolled my eyes. “Sure, if I don’t break my neck first,” I deadpanned, and Maxx kissed the tip of my nose.

  “Stop being so pessimistic,” he chastised, grabbing my hand and heading toward the crest of the hill.

  I chewed on my bottom lip as I watched little kids zip down the hill, screaming the entire way. I could admit I was a bit of a wimp. Plus the incline was really steep, and I had already witnessed a few wipeouts.

  “Yeah, I’m not so sure.” I hesitated as Maxx settled down on his sled. We were getting some strange looks from the children around us. I’m sure it was more than a little odd seeing a couple of adults playing in the snow alongside them.

  Maxx looked up at me. “You’ve never been sledding before, have you?” he deduced.

  I shook my head. I felt like an idiot. But we didn’t get a whole lot of snow in North Carolina. A few flakes and the world shut down. Half an inch closed school, but it had never been enough to sled in.

  Maxx scooted back in his sled and patted the spot in front of him. “We’ll go down together,” he said.

  “We’ll be too heavy. There’s no way that will work,” I reasoned.

  “Actually, you go faster with more weight,” a little boy standing beside me piped up. I looked down at him and frowned.

  “That’s not helping right now,” I told him.

  The boy, who didn’t look a day over seven and was decked out in head-to-toe snow gear, rolled his eyes.

  “Don’t be such a wimp,” he said.


  Maxx snorted, and my mouth dropped open. Was this kid making fun of me?

  “You heard the little dude. Don’t be such a wimp,” Maxx goaded. Not wanting to look like an ass in front of a grade-schooler, I sat down on the sled in front of Maxx and squished my legs inside the frame.

  Maxx’s legs pressed into mine, and he wrapped his arms around my middle, pulling me back tightly against his front. Even through the layers of our clothing, I felt the heat of his body.

  He rested his chin on my shoulder and kissed my neck. “Here we go. Hold on tight,” he whispered softly, stirring the hairs by my ear. The boy was smirking at me, and I stuck my tongue out at him. He widened his eyes and ran off.

  “Wow, that was mature, Aubrey.” Maxx laughed. I shrugged.

  “He deserved it,” I quipped, feeling warm and tingly as Maxx’s chuckle vibrated against my back.

  And then, without giving me a chance to prepare myself, Maxx pushed us off and we sailed down the hill. My hair blew back, and the wind was cold on my face. I screamed like a wuss the whole way down.

  When we got to the bottom, we hit a snowdrift and popped up into the air. Maxx and I both went flying off the sled. I landed with a thud on my back, wet sludge sliding down my face. I stayed that way, staring at the sky, trying to get my breath back.

  Suddenly Maxx was leaning over me, grinning like a fool. “Wasn’t that awesome?”

  He helped me to my feet and brushed snow from my jeans. I patted my arms and legs, searching for broken bones.

  Maxx grabbed my hand and started marching back up the hill. “Let’s do it again,” he called out, pulling me after him.

  I tripped and fell, bringing Maxx down with me. I laughed and grabbed a handful of snow and shoved it down the back of his shirt. He yelped and tried to remove it.

  I was doubled over in fits of near hysterics as I watched my boyfriend hop around trying to get the snow out of his shirt.

  And then he stopped, and I knew that mischievous glint in his blue eyes was bad news. He slowly and purposefully bent down and scooped up a handful of snow. “You wanna play like that, huh?” he asked me, patting the cold stuff into a tight, compact ball.

  I held my hands up and started to back away. “Don’t you dare, Maxx! I swear to God . . .” I let my threat trail off because then I was running and Maxx was chasing me. I felt the snowball hit the center of my back.

  “Get her!” I heard the same little boy from earlier yell, and then I was running not only from Maxx but from four kids who were all hurling snow.

  Maxx tackled me in the snow and shielded me as the kids pelted us. “I say we join forces,” he said into my ear.

  I nodded, and then we were on our feet and running after our would-be attackers. They screeched as we began our epic snow battle.

  By the time we called a cease-fire, I had laughed so hard my cheeks hurt and my sides ached. The kids loved Maxx. I snickered as he walked up the hill with three boys hanging off him like monkeys. He was a natural with them, and watching him interact so easily with the children made my heart constrict tightly in my chest.

  I never thought I could have so much fun freezing my ass off. By the time we left the field, I was exhausted and happier than I could remember being in a long time.

  Maxx handed me the thermos as we trekked back to the car. I unscrewed the top and took a drink of the still-warm hot chocolate. I gave him a sideways grin. “Chocolate?” I asked.

  Maxx smirked. “I remember what it takes to butter you up,” he replied.

  I stopped in the middle of the darkened path and turned to him. I twined my arms around his neck and pulled his head down so that my lips could touch his.

  I opened my mouth and slid my tongue along his. He groaned in the back of his throat and gathered me tighter against him. The snow was still coming down, and my clothes were drenched, but I didn’t care.

  The only thing I cared about, the only thing that mattered, was this man in my arms.

  I pulled away, and Maxx rested his forehead against mine. “What was that for?” he asked softly.

  I ran my fingers through his wet hair, ignoring the numbness of my fingers. “For surprising me,” I answered just as softly, grinning up at him.

  Maxx’s fingers dug into my back. “Remind me to surprise you more often,” he growled, nipping at my bottom lip.

  I giggled and reached up to kiss him again, but Maxx stopped me.

  I cocked my head questioningly as I looked up into his suddenly serious face.

  “What is it, Maxx?” I asked him.

  He closed his eyes and swallowed.

  “I love you, Aubrey,” he said in an almost agonized whisper, as though his confession was ripped out of him by force, as though saying the words pained him.

  I frowned and touched his face with the back of my cold hand. He opened his eyes, and they shone in the growing darkness. My lips parted and I wanted to say something back.

  I wanted to tell him that I loved him too.

  Because I did.

  It had been a gradual building of emotion that I recognized even without ever having experienced it before.

  It was love. Pure and total love.

  But for some reason, the words stuck in my throat. I stood there gaping like a fish as Maxx stared down at me, his eyes beseeching, pleading with me to reciprocate.

  And I did.

  So why couldn’t I say the words he needed to hear? The words I wanted to say?

  The silence stretched and lengthened, and still I said nothing.

  Finally Maxx let out an awkward laugh and looked away. I felt horrible. I had held back from him when he needed something from me so desperately. I hadn’t been able to give it to him.

  And why?

  I couldn’t explain why I was so hesitant to verbalize the feelings inside me. Perhaps it was the lingering mistrust or the mounting fear of failure.

  I was furious with myself for ruining a perfect day with my insecurities.

  Maxx lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed my knuckles. He smiled, but his eyes, which had been happy and content minutes before, were now tinged with sadness.

  “Let’s get back to my place. I think I still owe you a fettuccine Alfredo,” he said, threading his fingers through mine as we made our way back to his car.

  “Maxx,” I began, but he shook his head before I could continue.

  “Don’t say anything, Aubrey. Let’s go home, and I’ll make you the best damned Alfredo you’ve ever eaten,” he stated, his voice hard even as he tried to act unaffected.

  I blinked away the tears that were building, and I gave him a shaky smile.

  “Sounds great.”

  chapter

  twenty-five

  aubrey

  after our day in the snow, I thought we had hit a turning point in our relationship. Even after my inability to verbalize my feelings, we had a wonderful evening together.

  We had gone back to Maxx’s apartment, and he had made me dinner. He had obviously taken the time to straighten up his small apartment and had even vacuumed the carpet.

  He had put a lot of effort into making the night special. I had helped him mix the sauce and make the salad. Then we had eaten his overcooked pasta and slightly burned garlic bread by the light of a dozen candles.

  After cleaning up, Maxx had suggested we watch a movie. He had been careful in his selection, choosing The Doom Generation as an homage to our first date. I had misted up at his romantic sentiment.

  Without bothering to watch the movie, I had dragged him back to his room and made quick work of removing our clothing. We made love until the early hours of the morning.

  Everything had been so beautiful in its ease and simplicity. And I clutched at those moments greedily, scared that they would slip through my fingers.

  Because the nature of our relationship wasn’t one of quiet happiness. And the weeks following our one amazing day together had shown me that we were destined for something much darker.

  Becaus
e Maxx kept disappearing. He would slip away without my realizing it, and I would be left in a dark torment, worrying about what he was doing, what drugs he was taking, what ways he was destroying himself.

  When we were together and he was touching me, I tried to ignore the anxious awareness that this was temporary, that when our breathing had slowed and the sweat had dried he’d leave me again. But I kept coming back for more.

  Maxx overtook me.

  He overwhelmed me.

  I was drowning.

  The moments of happiness when we were together felt bittersweet because they never lasted long enough.

  I knew where he was going, I wasn’t stupid. But Maxx deftly evaded my questions when I asked them. But I never pushed too hard. I never grilled too much.

  If I was being honest with myself, I simply didn’t want the confirmation that he was still selling, still using, still screwing up his life in the worst way imaginable. I was terrified that if my suspicions were confirmed beyond a doubt, I’d be forced to make a decision about our relationship. And I was worried that my choice would make me hate myself.

  I was worried that I’d follow him wherever he wanted to lead me.

  A strong part of me still wanted to go back to Compulsion. Even though I now knew the reality of what that place was and its role in Maxx’s world, I could still remember the thrill I felt when I was inside. The temptation was tantalizing.

  So I stuck my head in the sand and tried to carry on as though this dark hole in his life didn’t exist.

  Some days Maxx was the perfect boyfriend. He was romantic. He was doting. He loved me with all that he had. We laughed and talked together and lived in stolen moments of pure joy. He tried so hard to give me everything I needed.

  But not the only thing that I would ever really want: for him to stop—the drugs, the club, all of it.

  I knew he wouldn’t. So I never asked him to, knowing his answer would break my heart. There were times when he was lucid, his blue eyes clear. He didn’t shake or sweat or double over from the nausea of withdrawal. I could almost convince myself that the beast had been slain, that the worries in the back of my mind were unfounded.