Why should Police Chief William Stauber be allowed to gulp mouthfuls of newsprint with ‘in the process of determining which would be the best location’ etc., when they are simply thinking of where to build the thing?
There are two final cautions. Text editors should not alter quotes and reporters should not invent them. By invention I do not mean the completely fictitious quotation dreamed up by Lunchtime O’Booze, which is rare, but the temptation to attribute to direct quotation what is only an acknowledgment of a question. If the words are in quotes they must be the words the speaker has said personally. That is the point of the marks. If the speaker has merely said ‘Yes’ to a long colourful question, then the report should only say ‘He (or she) agreed that …’. It is permissible for reporter or text editor to change the order of sentences to make a statement more coherent, but the sense and individual wording must not be altered.
The commonest fault is to have people saying things more emphatically than they did. The text editor’s temptation is to edit the quotations produced by the reporter, which gives a second risk of distortion. Deletion within quotes is justified only if the omission of the words is indicated by dots. It has to be judged carefully. Qualifications should not be dropped. Alteration of words within quotes is inexcusable. If the quotes do not add anything the answer is not to improve the quotation but to delete it altogether and revert to reported speech or to pick up only the attractive phrase or word in quotes in a combination of reported speech and quotes.
Prince Philip warned that the selfish approach to conservation would lead to our generation being ‘loathed and despised by all who come after us till the end of time’.
That is the limit of tolerance. Once words are enclosed in quotations they should be the words the speaker actually said.
Here is a report as it arrived (left) and as it was edited:
The Town Clerk said: ‘The committee reluctantly decided to defer consideration of this request and to ask the owners to meet them to discuss the reasons for, and the implications of, the owner’s proposal.’
The Town Clerk said: ‘The committee reluctantly decided to ask the owners to meet them to discuss the proposal.’
The meaning has been subtly changed – and the quotation marks are a lie. It is surprising what text editors, in a rash of confidence, will sometimes do. In another report which appeared a bishop referred to ‘a financial crisis in the diocese’. The text editor inserted the word ‘grave’ in the quotes, reasoning that a crisis must be grave, and then carried the word ‘grave’ into the heading because church and grave seemed apt together. Heresy!
Courts and hospitals
Editing court reports needs especial care. But the legal pitfalls do not justify the way police language is reproduced in the majority of humdrum cases in the lower courts. Nor do legal cautions excuse the false gentility of many newspaper reports:
A milling crowd of students followed a police officer for a distance of a quarter of a mile the night he arrested a fellow student for causing an alleged breach of the peace.
Magistrates, who fined the student £5, were told that P.C. Alan Goad arrested him …
A milling crowd of students followed a policeman for a quarter of a mile the night he arrested one of them for a breach of the peace.
(Policeman will do to describe a male PC – and why ‘an alleged breach’ when the case is found proved?)
Three other students, who were called as witnesses for the defendant, said in court that the group was orderly.
Three other students said …
(The context makes it clear they were in court. ‘Who were called as witnesses’ is almost always verbosity.)
When apprehended Dooney had in his possession two radios.
When stopped Dooney had two radios.
Dennis Bloggs was fined £4 when he admitted behaving in a disorderly manner on a Corporation bus and breaking a bus window.
Dennis Bloggs was fined £4 for being disorderly on a Corporation bus and breaking a window.
County police are anxious to know of his whereabouts.
County police want to find him.
The constable telephoned headquarters and when two officers hurried to the scene they found the youths on the premises of the store.
The constable telephoned headquarters and two officers found the youths in the store.
John Jones was fined £5 for having inefficient brakes on his van and £2 for having an inefficient speedometer.
‘Having’ is redundant.
Editing of injuries and hospital conditions is often equally woolly. There should be an office style:
Alfred Davidson received a sprained neck when his car was in collision with a truck …
Did he get it in gift-wrapping?
Alfred Davidson sprained his neck when his car and a truck collided …
That is shorter and more direct, but passive reporting predominates:
Sandy Smith suffered a leg injury.
Sandy Smith hurt his leg.
Lawrence Jones was fatally injured.
Lawrence Jones was killed.
Howard M. Woods, of 53 Hillside Avenue, was reported in a ‘fair condition’ last night at Central Hospital. He has a heart ailment. He was admitted to the hospital on June 22nd.
Was ‘fair’ last night … That is enough. The quotation marks reveal that it is the description of his condition.
He was admitted with a heart ailment on June 22. Where else but to the hospital?
He was allowed home after treatment.
He went home after treatment.
A caution: the quotes on a hospital condition can sometimes look silly:
Mr J. Smith, city engineer, is ‘ill’ in hospital with a heart condition.
The text editor knows that this is the hospital’s exact assessment of Mr Smith’s condition. But with an ordinary ailment, the quotes round ‘ill’ read oddly to the ordinary reader – and the ordinary reader is our customer.
Finally, some other types of needless repetition:
Unnecessary doubt: A small Renoir painting was reportedly stolen yesterday. The painting was taken from a wall. ‘Was stolen’ is enough. Is there reason for doubt? We retell facts, not rumour.
Useless caution: Why keep saying ‘It was learned that …’? It is no legal protection if the facts are not right. We could say ‘it was learned that …’ before every fact in the paper.
CHAPTER FOUR
Watch this Language
To write simply is as difficult as to be good.
SOMERSET MAUGHAM
The previous two chapters have set down a set of conditions to guide the text editor. Negatively, the series of don’ts means rewriting long sentences, complicated sentences, negative sentences, passive sentences, and a succession of sentences of the same structure. It means avoiding complex words, abstract words, and omitting all needless words. Some of this is summed up in an adaptation of an old nursery rhyme:
If I had a donkey as wouldn’t go
Do you think I’d wallop him, oh No.
I’d give him some corn and cry out ‘Whoa’,
‘Gee up, Neddy’.
which would appear in too many news columns as:
If I had an ass that refused to proceed,
Do you suppose that I should castigate him, no indeed.
I should present him with some cereals and observe proceed,
Continue, Edward.
Edward the donkey is a reminder of what text editors are up against. They have to work fast. They have to recognise Edward as Neddy in disguise. They have to be ready with the better word. The three lists that follow are an attempt to help. They are words that spell waste. All are taken from newspaper reports. Text editors should know the lists thoroughly. They are not exhaustive. Text editors should add to them themselves. If they then cultivate an animus to the offending words, there is a good chance these words will spring out of the copy; text editors will have a substitute already in mind. Busy text editors will have no tim
e to consult a thesaurus or sit and ponder.
The first list gives the bad expressions on the left. They are not all necessarily wrong. Some of them are, but the alternatives on the right are usually crisper and shorter. They’re not synonymous but they frequently express the desired meaning. If no alternative is given the word is simply one to avoid. The second list is of redundancies, and the third of common newspaper clichés.
Wasteful Words
Don’t say
Prefer
abrasions and contusions
cuts and bruises
absence of
no
accede to
grant/allow
accommodate
hold/seat
accommodation
rooms, seats, etc.
accordingly
so
acquaint
tell
act as
bad substitute for verb ‘to be’
a cut on his ear
a cut ear
adequate bus transportation
enough buses
adjacent to
near
adumbrate
outline/sketch
affluent
rich/well-off
ahead of schedule
early
a large proportion of
many
a man by the name of
named
ameliorate
improve
a percentage of
some
approximately
about
arrangements were in the hands of
arranged by
ascertain
learn
as far as … is concerned
as for (but it is better to be direct)
assistance
help/aid
at an early date
soon
attempt
try
at the present time/at present
now
attired in
wore
best of health
well/healthy
beverage
drink
bid (except at auction)
attempt
bifurcation
division/split
called a halt
stopped
carry out the work
do the work
caused injuries to
injured
centre round
centre on/in
cloudburst
heavy rain
commence, commencement
begin, beginning
compared with
than
concerning
about/on
conflagration
fire
conservative (estimate)
low/cautious
consist of
bad substitute for verb ‘to be’
constructed of wood
made of wood/wooden
continue to remain
stay
currently
now
customary
usual
decease
death/die
deceased, defendant
prefer the name
demise
death
demonstrate
show
dentures
false teeth
described as
called
despite the fact that
although
discontinue
stop
dispatched
sent
donate, contribute
give
donation
gift
draw the attention of
show/remind/point out
dwell
live
edifice
building
endeavour
try
en route
on the way
evince
show
exceedingly
very
exceeding the speed limit
speeding
expedite
hasten/hurry
expensive
dear
facilitate
ease/help
filled to capacity
full
fissiparous
separatist/breakaway
following (i.e. later in time)
after
freighter
(cargo) ship
from out of the
out of/from
gained entrance to
got in
gathered together
met
give consideration to
consider
give rise to
cause
hails from
comes from
headache (except literally)
problem, difficulty, puzzle
heretofore
before/until now
I am hopeful that
I hope that
hospitalised
went to hospital
illuminated
lit up
implement (verb)
carry out/fulfil/do
implementation
impossible of discovery
cannot be found
in addition
also
in addition to
besides, as well as, also
in advance of his meeting with …
before meeting …
in attendance
present/there
incapacitated
(put out of action)
in conjunction with
and/or
in consequence of
because of
inferno
fire
inform
tell
in isolation
Essential English Page 9
