Essential English
Page 16
There are both precise and generalised ways this story can be told in an intro and news lead. Given roughly 100 words the challenge is to construct a news lead which deals with these points:
1. Mr Benn has written an unprecedented open letter appealing to certain British atomic scientists to stay in Britain.
2. He has attacked a US company for trying to tempt them away as a team.
3. This company’s bid to manufacture the reactor under licence had previously been rejected because the bid was ‘completely inadequate’.
4. This is not, therefore, just another ‘brain drain’ story. The company was offering salaries three to five times the scientists’ present salaries, much more than the normal differential between US and British salaries.
5. Even so, this was an attempt to catch up ‘on the cheap’ on Britain’s world lead in fast-breeder reactors, a lead gained by 20 years of investment by the British people at a cost of hundreds of millions of pounds.
6. Twenty-four Dounreay scientists had replied to the Westinghouse advertisement.
These facts, in an intro and news lead, can be expressed in either a generalised or specific way. The short generalised expression is on the left, the longer specific version on the right.
The Government
Mr Tony Benn, Minister of Technology.
An American offer
An offer by the Westinghouse Corporation.
Atomic scientists
Atomic energy scientists and engineers at Dounreay, Scotland, and Risley, Lancashire.
Atomic plants
Fast-breeder reactor at Dounreay and design establishment at Risley.
Tempting salaries
Salaries three to five times the present salaries. Westinghouse understood to offer £3,000 to £7,000 for a scientific officer, rising to £15,000 to £35,000 for the best senior staff. Salaries at Dounreay range from £1,100 to £5,000 a year.
An attempt to gain British knowledge
Westinghouse had previously offered to buy a licence for the fast-breeder but offered terms ‘completely inadequate in respect of commercial value’.
An American bid to gain British scientists
Westinghouse advertised and 24 Dounreay scientists have answered the advertisement.
Atomic plants
Fast-breeder reactor at Dounreay and design establishment at Risley.
Tempting salaries
Salaries three to five times the present salaries. Westinghouse understood to offer £3,000 to £7,000 for a scientific officer, rising to £15,000 to £35,000 for the best senior staff. Salaries at Dounreay range from £1,100 to £5,000 a year.
An attempt to gain British knowledge
Westinghouse had previously offered to buy a licence for the fast-breeder but offered terms ‘completely inadequate in respect of commercial value’.
An American bid to gain British scientists
Westinghouse advertised and 24 Dounreay scientists have answered the advertisement.
Before reading further, text editors might try writing a news lead of around 100 words. This will consist of an intro sentence, followed by two or three supporting paragraphs. The news lead must cover all the news points intelligibly and give as much information as possible.
How the Dailies Handled the Story
A good example of a wholly generalised intro appeared thus:
1. The Government last night issued an unprecedented appeal to Britain’s leading atomic scientists not to join the brain drain to America.
This intro is vague. It gives no details on the single news point chosen. It does not give any idea of the other news point that a minister is attacking an American corporation for a particular act of poaching. The story advantage of a generalised intro has therefore been wasted. At the other extreme, this one was specific:
2. Mr Benn, Minister of Technology, has written to atomic scientists working at Dounreay, Caithness, and Risley, Lancashire, warning them of an American plot to discover the secrets of Britain’s latest reactor, the fast-breeder reactor at Dounreay, by persuading the senior scientists working on the project to join the Brain Drain.
This intro has tried to indicate the two news points of the appeal to scientists and the attack on an American company but it loses the reader in the particulars. It is 50 words long. It is also going further than strict accuracy would permit in the word ‘plot’: this was not used by the minister.
No other daily attempted to indicate these two news points in one sentence. Three of the other dailies chose to concentrate the intro sentence on the news point of the minister’s appeal to scientists; two concentrated on his attack on the American company. Here are the intros, with comments:
Intros angled on the minister’s appeal
3. The Minister of Technology, Mr. Tony Benn, last night took the unprecedented step of writing an open letter to atomic engineers and scientists who have been offered jobs by an American company.
More specific than version 1, but it fails to indicate the line of Benn’s letter or the reason for it.
4. Mr. Tony Benn, Minister of Technology, made a dramatic appeal last night to Britain’s top nuclear scientists to refuse a tempting offer to join an American firm.
Again more specific than version 1. It spells out Benn’s appeal to the scientists to refuse and it indicates the news point of high salaries.
5. Mr. Tony Benn, the Minister of Technology, last night appealed to Atomic Energy Authority scientists and engineers to resist recruiting efforts by the Westing house Electric Corporation of the United States.
A specific intro – but by concentrating on a single news point it remains intelligible. It is precise – without going too deeply into the woods. Nothing would have been gained in this context by generalised references to ‘atomic scientists’ or ‘an American company’.
Intros angled on the minister’s attack
6. Technology Minister Mr. Tony Benn lashed out last night at an American company’s bid to recruit top nuclear scientists.
Fairly generalised intro but it omits the reason for the Minister’s attack – the attempt to get nuclear technology ‘on the cheap’.
7. Mr. Tony Benn yesterday made an unprecedented attack on a major United States corporation for trying to get British nuclear technology on the cheap.
Generalised (unlike the intro above it fails to specify Benn’s position in the Government). This intro gives the reason for the attack, but does not indicate that the US corporation is trying to recruit British scientists.
The most successful intro was version 5. It is an example of the specific intro at its best – concentrating on a single news point, it is able to be precise without becoming long or confused. None of the generalised intros really succeeds as well because none exploits the opportunity given by the generalised style for indicating more than one highlight of the story. Is it possible in one sentence to cover both the news points of the minister’s attack on the corporation and his appeal to scientists? It is. For instance:
Mr Tony Benn, Minister of Technology, appealed to British atomic scientists yesterday not to join an American company which was, he said, trying to gain British nuclear technology on the cheap.
This suffices but it is not wholly satisfactory. It is short enough, but running the two news points together reduces their force, especially as one has to be relegated to a subsidiary clause.
We are in fact dealing with a story which has so many news points and details that a news lead is inescapable. An intro sentence alone cannot cope with the news points and supporting details. We now examine how the British dailies and one American paper coped with the news lead:
Version A’s news lead was:
Mr Benn, Minister of Technology, has written to atomic scientists working at Dounreay, Caithness, and Risley, Lancashire, warning them of an American plot to discover the secrets of Britain’s latest reactor, the fast-breeder reactor at Dounreay, by persuading the senior scientists working on the project to join the Brain D
rain.
Twenty-four atomic scientists from Dounreay, where salaries range from £1,000 to £5,000 a year, are understood to have replied to an advertisement by the Westinghouse electrical company of America, offering jobs in the United States.
Westinghouse offers are understood to be between £3,000 to £7,000 for a scientific officer, rising to £15,000 to £35,000 for the best senior staff.
This is 109 words. It is precise (overlooking the misuse of ‘between’ in the last paragraph). But it omits the important news point about the inadequate bid for a licence. This is a failing, and the reason for that is that the paper spends too many words substantiating the American company’s persuasion. The second and third paragraphs are almost wholly devoted to salary details. These should have been dealt with succinctly in a general way (‘salaries three to five times’ as great) so that there was space in the news lead to bring other important points to the top.
Indeed, this fault continues because the paper went on to give details of the Westinghouse advertisement for scientists before telling the reader about the earlier bid for a licence. This news lead, therefore, is too detailed, to the exclusion of news points.
The version B news lead was:
Technology Minister Mr. Tony Benn lashed out last night at an American company’s bid to recruit top British nuclear scientists.
Mr. Benn accused the American Westinghouse Company of trying to cash in on British know-how ‘on the cheap’.
And he asked research scientists and engineers in the two major Atomic Energy Authority plants – Dounreay (Scotland) and Risley (Lancashire), to reject the U.S. offers immediately.
The minister’s appeal follows Westinghouse pledges of salaries for Britons who join their nuclear power station design plants in Pittsburgh. The money: Up to five times what the men are earning.
This is 95 words. Again it fails by omitting the central news point about the ‘inadequate’ bid for a licence. The phrase ‘trying to cash in on British know-how on the cheap’ is less readily understood –the only comparison given here is in the salaries, and they are not ‘on the cheap’. To appreciate the row the reader needs to know about the licence bid, about the attempt to recruit scientists as a team, and the fact that Dounreay has the world’s most advanced fast-breeder reactor. If the text editor had added the words ‘at salaries three to five times as high’ at the end of that first paragraph the whole fourth paragraph could have been used for omitted news points. It is the use of concise phrases like this which enables the text editor to make the news lead really do its work.
Now the version C news lead:
The Government last night issued an unprecedented appeal to Britain’s leading atom scientists not to join the brain drain to America.
It accused Westinghouse Electrical Company of trying to filch the scientists and their know-how.
Westinghouse has been advertising for scientists who have been developing the new fast-breeder reactor system, on which Britain leads the world.
The American firm recently made a ‘totally inadequate’ offer for a licence, Minister of Technology Mr. Tony Benn, said last night in an open letter to scientists at the atomic energy centres at Dounreay in the far North of Scotland, and Risley in Lancashire.
This is 101 words. The paper has recovered from the vague start. The third and fourth paragraphs are concise presentations of news points with details. The licence is there, the ‘inadequate’ offer, the open letter, Dounreay and Risley, the fast-breeder reactor system, the British lead. Only one news point is missing: the salaries.
The fault with this news lead lies in those first two paragraphs. It was not really accurate to refer to ‘the brain drain’ since the minister stressed this was not a brain drain story. That first sentence could have said:
The Government last night issued an unprecedented appeal to Britain’s leading atom scientists not to let themselves be tempted to America by the Westinghouse Corporation.
This would have freed the second paragraph for a news point. The phrases ‘not to join the brain drain to America’ and ‘trying to filch the scientists and their know-how’ waste words on generalities.
The version D news lead was:
The Minister of Technology, Mr. Tony Benn, last night took the unprecedented step of writing an open letter to atomic engineers and scientists who have been offered jobs by an American company.
The men work at the Atomic Energy Authority plant in Dounreay, Scotland, where the most advanced power reactor in the world is being built.
America has nothing to compare with Britain’s achievement.
Twenty-four Dounreay scientists answered a job advertisement by the American Westinghouse company and some are believed to have been offered posts at up to five times their present salaries.
This is 93 words. The news points omitted are the licence bid and indeed the whole concept of the minister’s letter as an attack on the American company. Again the concise way of making the salaries point would have saved space. This could have been done at the end of the first sentence . . . ‘at salaries up to five times higher’. The licence point could then have been brought up from the fifth paragraph (where it appeared) into the fourth paragraph. In the existing fourth paragraph the text editor is led into wasteful repetition: ‘The American Westinghouse company’ . . . ‘Dounreay scientists’. There is repetition in the idea of Britain’s lead. The second paragraph at the end says ‘the most advanced power reactor in the world’. Then the third paragraph says ‘America has nothing to compare with Britain’s achievement.’ There is no space to spare for this in a pithy news lead.
Look next at the version E news lead:
Mr Benn, Minister of Technology, made a dramatic appeal last night to Britain’s top nuclear scientists to refuse a tempting offer to join an American firm.
He accused the firm – Westinghouse – of trying to get Britain’s nuclear power know-how on the cheap.
The appeal was made in an open letter from Mr. Benn to Atomic Energy Authority engineers and scientists at Risley, Lancashire, and at Dounreay, Scotland.
The world’s most advanced commercial prototype ‘fast breeder’ power reactor, able to generate electricity cheaper than any other method, is being built at Dounreay. And most of the AEA design work for fast reactors is carried out at Risley.
This is 106 words. The point about the licence is omitted. The salaries above the normal US differential are covered – adequately enough for the news lead – with the ‘tempting offer’ phrase. All the main news points would have been included if only the licence reference had been added to the second paragraph. This would have squeezed the details about Risley out of the news lead, but that would not have mattered. This version made intelligent use of general and precise references until the particularisation was overdone with the details of Dounreay and Risley.
The Version F news lead was:
Mr. Benn, the Minister of Technology, last night appealed to Atomic Energy Authority scientists and engineers to resist recruiting efforts by the Westinghouse Electric Corporation of the United States.
He accused the Americans of trying to get nuclear energy knowledge on the cheap by offering inflated salaries to attract men away from Dounreay and Risley. He said that Westinghouse had applied to buy the licence for the AEA design of the fast-breeder reactor some time ago, but had offered unacceptable terms.
In an open letter to the AEA men, Mr Benn says the AEA is now building at Dounreay the most advanced commercial prototype power reactor in the world – the fast breeder.
This is 113 words – and every one carries its weight. There is no wasteful repetition. There is very little generality – just enough to enable news points to be squeezed in. ‘Inflated salaries’ will do for the pay. ‘Unacceptable terms’ suffices for the minister’s reference to the licence, though ‘completely inadequate terms’ would have given extra precision for one more word.
Finally for the British papers the version G news lead:
&nb
sp; Mr. Tony Benn yesterday made an unprecedented attack on a major United States corporation for trying to get British nuclear technology on the cheap.
The Minister of Technology was appealing to nuclear scientists at the Dounreay fast-breeder reactor in Caithness, 24 of whom are thought to have answered an advertisement from the Westinghouse Corporation which would offer them between three and five times their present salaries.
Mr Benn wrote that the Dounreay reactor was the climax of 20 years of investment by the British people and that an offer made earlier by Westinghouse was ‘completely inadequate in respect of the commercial value of what we have to offer’.
This is 109 words. It vies with version F as the best news lead. Version G’s generalised intro is sharp. It has the point about 24 men replying to the advertisement and the detail on salary comparisons. Version F, however, gains where it is more precise. Version G omits the key word ‘licence’ in the third paragraph. It does not really explain that the American company wanted to build the British design on licence. The reference to the Dounreay reactor being the climax of 20 years’ British investment almost meets the point about Britain’s lead in design – but not quite. Version F again is specific here. The news lead in version F is in admittedly quieter vein than some of the others. There are no adjectives. But the language is simple, well chosen, and lets the news make its own impact.