by L. B. Dunbar
“Gavin,” snapped Jess.
“Gavin, you’re going to scare him,” pleaded Mum.
“What’s going on here?” asked Britton.
I turned on Britton, whose flustered expression hardened.
“He’s mine,” I choked.
“Gavin, let go of him,” her voice was firm. “You’re frightening him.”
“Mommy?” I heard Gee whimper as I released the child. Britton circled the table and lifted Gee.
“No,” I heard my own voice as if it was under water. “How could you?” I growled. “He’s mine, isn’t he?”
Britton stared at me for a moment, holding Gee who had his arms wrapped around her in that hug that I was all too familiar with. Her voice softened, but not her eyes.
“Yes,” she whispered and turned to walk away.
“No,” I said again as I reached for her arm. “You aren’t walking away again.”
“Again? Again? I never walked away, Gavin. You did.”
“Let go of her,” I heard Jess growl as Mum pleaded again saying, “Gavin, lovie, you’re scaring him.” But it was my dad’s voice that snapped me out of my stupor and released my grip. Wrapping his hand gently around mine, Dad peeled back my fingers as he spoke.
“This has gone on long enough.” He paused as he looked over his shoulder at his wife. “Outside, now,” he demanded and placed a hand on Britton’s lower back, escorting her out of the barn and into the cooler night air.
Take 34
Under the Moonlight
I sensed, rather than heard Jess follow me, but Mum assured him that everything would be worked out and that he should return to his wedding. She arrived several minutes later to meet the small crowd of Britton and Gee with Dad and me.
“He’s mine?” I growled again now that no one else was present.
“Yes,” she replied softly, stroking Gee’s hair as he laid his head on her shoulder.
“How? When?” I ran my hand through my own hair and held it at the back of my neck. “Time for some honest truth, Britton.”
“When you came home that July and we were together in your room,” her eye’s shifted to Dad for a second. “That time.”
“How do you know he’s really mine?” I meant it to insult her. I was hurt, too. The look on her face gave away both her pain and the truth. There was no denying that Gee was mine. His eyes spoke the truth. This boy was my son, no doubt about it.
“He’s yours,” Mum’s voice cracked behind me.
I turned to her.
“You knew? For how long?” The pain in my eyes must have been reflected in hers. She looked like she could crumple from the weight of this secret and the hurt that was coming off her own son.
“I didn’t let them tell you,” Britton said defensively. “I knew you wouldn’t come back, and I didn’t want you to feel trapped. That was always your fear; that you’d be trapped on the farm. I let them see him, but made them promise not to tell you.”
“Trapped? I feel like a caged animal at the moment. You didn’t think to tell me yourself?”
“I tried.” I knew she was right. She’d wanted to talk to me the night of the bonfire, and I had betrayed her by making out with someone else. She knew then she might be pregnant and I’d been with another girl right in front of her.
“Why didn’t you try again?” That was an unfair accusation. She did call me the next day, several times, and she showed up at my parent’s home, which was when Karyn had called me. Karyn. They knew. They all knew.
I was silent. I didn’t know what to say. My mind was racing and my heart was shattered. All the feelings I had for this woman and all the memories that came flooding back to me; all the love I felt rekindled. It was gone. The burning sparks were extinguished for me.
“I think I better go,” Britton said softly, to no one in particular.
“You aren’t leaving,” I said firmly, and both Mum and Britton flinched.
“We need to discuss this when everyone has calmed down, Gavin,” Dad said and leveled a glare at me.
“You knew, too?” I glared back into my father’s green eyes, and for the first time ever I saw my father’s apology.
“I thought it best at the time,” Dad said meekly.
“Well, this must have been the ultimate disappointment for you,” I spit at him.
“That’s enough,” Dad snarled back.
“This isn’t helping anyone, Gavin. You’re still scaring the boy,” Mum said softly, and I turned to Britton.
“You aren’t taking my son.”
I saw Britton wrap her arms around Gee tighter and her panic returned, only this time it held. Britton was scared.
“Gavin,” she said in a shaky voice, attempting the tone that would soften me.
“No. Don’t say my name like that,” I pushed my hands into my hair again and looked at my father.
“I can’t let her go.” There must have been something in my eyes or my tone because my father nodded once before spitting out directions.
“You’ll spend the night at our house,” Dad addressed Britton. “I’ll drive you in your car, so you can’t run away.”
“Jack,” Mum’s voice warned.
“Gavin, drive your mother. I know you won’t do anything stupid with her in the car.”
“Jack,” Mum began again, “she isn’t a prisoner.”
“Tonight, she is,” he said firmly. “Gavin, go make your good-byes.” With that he dismissed both his wife and son, placing a light protective hand on Britton’s arm and gently guiding her to her own car.
I stood with Mum in the cool, August evening air. The sounds of the party were muffled in the background as we heard the crunch of gravel under the retreating feet of Britton and my father. I looked up to the sky for a moment and found the sliver of a new moon surrounded by a mass of stars in the darkness.
I glanced at my mother and walked back to the barn without addressing her. The first person I saw was Jess, standing by Emily, near the side entrance.
“Gavin, are you all right?” Emily began and stepped toward me, but Jess stopped her with his arm around her waist.
“Did you know?” I addressed Jess.
“She came to see me. With all that had happened with Debbie, I thought she was a gold-digger, like Debbie was. I didn’t believe her, and I told her that. I sent her away, in a sense, telling her that I would stand by you that it wasn’t yours.”
Emily didn’t seem surprised by this honesty, and I glanced at her briefly before returning my glare to Jess.
“I hadn’t thought of her in years and then you mentioned her on the boat last week. Even though I had seen her in the bookstore one time with Emily, I never put two and two together until the night of the Hutchinson’s party. Things started clicking into place. His age. His eyes. Then at our house for dinner when she confirmed that she was pregnant in July at eighteen, and I just knew.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” I sounded defeated, even to myself.
“I didn’t think it was my place to tell. I didn’t know if she had told you. I assumed she hadn’t because you were still so calm, but you always were. And it didn’t seem like you were figuring it out for yourself.”
“She knew you were leaving again,” Emily said softly. “I think she thought you were just passing through and they would be forgotten again once you left. It seemed easier not to mention it.”
“Forgotten? Forgotten? She’s all I’ve thought about for years, and this week? This past week? I’ve thought of both of them every second of every day,” I snarled at Emily.
“Hey,” Jess said in warning. “She’s only trying to help,” he added defensively, tightening his arm in front of Emily as a barrier to me.
“Help? Help would have been someone telling me the truth. Or telling me what you thought.”
“Well, you don’t want help, Gavin. You didn’t want the truth. And telling you what we think? All you think about is yourself,” Karyn spoke to me, her voice full of pain. I hadn�
��t seen her approach.
“Fuck off, Karyn. You have no idea what you’re talking about?”
“Like hell, I don’t, Gavin.”
“Enough,” came the firm voice of Mum.
“Gavin, take me home. Karyn, I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” Mum demanded then in a sweeter tone spoke to the newly married couple.
“Jess and Emily, this was a beautiful wedding, and the best of luck to both of you, but I know you won’t need it because I see the love between you two. And love conquers all things.” She glared at me before leaning forward and kissing each of them on the cheek. Then she looped her arm through mine and turned me to escort her out of the family barn.
Take 35
Under the Moonlight
I drove my mother home in bitter silence. How could they all know and not tell me?
“How long have you known?” I mumbled, trying to hold my anger.
“Since she was pregnant.”
“That was seven years ago.”
“And that’s how long it took for you to come home,” she said to the front windshield.
How could I be such an idiot to not see it myself? I was a fool.
When I arrived home, I slammed the front screen harder than I intended and headed for the next room. I didn’t see Britton in the living room, but my father’s voice stopped me.
“Sit.” I paused for a moment before sitting on the edge of the old sofa. Mum continued past me and I leaned back to watch her walk up the stairs. Britton and Gee must be in my room, I thought, and I felt a slight release of tension knowing that they hadn’t escaped me.
“I’m not going to make excuses,” Dad began. “Not telling you was unforgivable. And I know that this secret has weighed heavily on your mother. But when that girl came to us, rounded and sobbing with worry that something was wrong with the baby inside her, your mother honored whatever she wanted.”
I recalled how Britton had said she had the scare of the lump on Gee’s brain when he was in utero. With my mother’s personal experience with breast cancer she would not have taken the fear of a cyst on an unborn child’s undeveloped brain lightly. She would not have risked losing her grandchild if keeping him a secret was what it took.
“She didn’t want money. She wanted answers. She needed medical history on you to help research possibilities. At the time, your mother was cancer free. I know when it returned, she often thought of that innocent child, and feared for his young life.”
I was softening. I thought of my own fear of Gee drowning without the proper life vest in the lake. Or the fear of Britton and Gee being hit by the careless car driver on the road during the busy exit after the fireworks. The fear of them both being taken from me in some uncontrolled manner had haunted my dreams and woken me at night in a cold sweat.
“She told us she had tried to contact you and you didn’t respond. And let me tell you, if I had been disappointed in you leaving for California, I was more disappointed that you didn’t return for her.”
I snorted. There was never a conversation with my father without the insult of letting me know I was a disappointment.
“But all of that is behind us now, like it or not, because the truth is out. And the question now is what will you do with it?”
I sighed because I knew that was the greater problem. While I was still reeling from the fact that Britton had kept the truth from me and continued to keep that hidden truth throughout everything that happened this last week, the biggest question was what to do next. It wasn’t a question I could tackle at the moment. I was too hung up on the fact that I was a father and never knew.
I was ready to fight. I didn’t know what I would say, but I wanted to yell and scream at her. I wanted to tell her how hurt I was; especially now that I thought I was in love with her again. There, I’d admitted it to myself. I loved her again. And she was no better than Zoe. Lies, lies, and more lies. Only this one was greater, in my opinion. Cheating involved other, faceless people. This involved a specific life. Gee’s.
I entered the bedroom ready for a screaming match, but when I saw Gee’s bleach blond hair on my pillow, his mouth open slightly, and tiny arms above the blanket, my resolve to yell melted a little. Then I saw Britton with her tear stained face, lying on top of the blankets. Her arm protectively draped over Gee, and my resolution to fight melted completely. She was still wearing the beautiful party dress, but her hair was coming loose from the twist. She looked lonely and lovely against my pillow. I was suddenly so drained that all I wanted was to lay down with them both.
Instead, I looked at her for a moment longer and I thought of how scared she must have been at eighteen. She’d had her whole life ahead of her as I had, and because of one reckless time, her future was changed forever. I backed out the door for a minute and crossed the hall to enter my old room.
Ethan and Ella hadn’t returned from the wedding yet. Despite the disaster of open luggage and clothing draped over the furniture, I could still envision the old room in my head. Twin beds, a desk between them. Mine had been the one against the wall. The vision of Britton’s face on that day haunted me. She had looked at me so desperately. She’d given herself willingly in hopes of recapturing what we had, and she’d admitted as much to me last night. I was selfishly wallowing in my bitterness at having to give in to my father. Why didn’t I just enjoy her? She would have taken all that bitterness away if I’d spent time with her like we used to. But I didn’t, and there was no way to predict now what could have been.
I turned to face the door and I could almost hear her grunting as I pushed inside her, trying to empty my mind of anger instead of enjoying the gift of her body. My memory could be tainted, but I was sure she hadn’t spoken. She made noises, but not the noises I remembered before, or the ones created since. I rubbed a hand against the door and stopped to brace myself. I got her pregnant here, against a stupid door in my teenage boy’s room in a sagging farmhouse in a small town. My mind jumped to the movie I’d watched of the two young girls in Chicago and how they finished school as pregnant teens. I remembered wondering how it happened to them, thinking that getting pregnant should have been consensual and romantic. I cringed to know there was nothing romantic about the creation of Gee.
I returned to the room across the hall and placed a blanket over Britton’s shoulders. I saw her shudder and move closer to Gee. I sat on the edge of the bed and immediately felt her jump.
She looked around the room for a moment, taking in her surroundings, as her arm braced over Gee in a protective stance.
“Gavin?” She looked at me through swollen eyes.
I still had on my tuxedo jacket, although I had loosened my tie, and I stood to remove it. I turned back to her, still sitting up in her twisted, protective position.
“Tell me about him?” I asked in a deep voice. It would have been seductive under different circumstances.
“Like what?” Confusion was clearly in her voice.
“Everything,” I sighed as I looked at his angelic face sleeping in my bed.
Britton lay back down and looked at Gee as she softly spoke to me. She brushed his hair lightly off his forehead with her fingertips.
“He was born nine pounds, ten ounces, which was a little big for my body structure. He was perfect from the moment he was born. He looked up at me with innocent eyes and yawned. He searched my face like he knew me, and I felt like I had known him for a thousand years.” She paused in her memory and I sat on the edge of the bed again. She moved closer to Gee, and it gave me room to sit against the wall at the head of the bed and stretch my legs to cross at the ankles near the foot.
“I told you about the scare of the lump on his brain. I worried that he wouldn’t reach the milestones of each month, but he did. He crawled and walked and ate and potty trained. He loved to nurse, greedy boy, but he drained me and still needed more. He was always hungry and I hardly slept that first year.” She paused again and smiled to herself as she tickled a finger over his round cheek.
&nb
sp; She continued with stories of him crawling, walking, and his first words. Teething and biting her when he nursed. Sickness and crying all night. Potty training and accidents. I listened and tried to imagine it all in my movie-making mind, but somehow, I was missing small details of his life that could only be captured if I had experienced them for myself.
I eventually slid down to lay behind her; not exactly touching her, but still positioning my body to the contour of hers. I unconsciously pulled the blanket up over her shoulders when she shuddered at my nearness, and I heard her yawn once or twice as she rambled off a history of Gee’s first year.
“Stop,” I finally said, and she did. Her hand was over Gee’s stomach. I slid my hand down her arm, over her hand, and laced my fingers with hers over our son. Looking at our joined hands protecting the precious gift under them, I felt a different kind of spark within me. That electrical connection that burned between us and held me to her hadn’t died like I thought. For now, though, it was just flickering, not igniting. I couldn’t think straight with her nearness and I moved my hand back to my own side. I couldn’t imagine what we looked like – a half dressed man in a tux next to a woman in a gorgeous party dress now covered in an old afghan, and a small boy in a white undershirt under a sheet. I imagined we looked like a family.
The click of the opening door woke me, and I instinctively grabbed Britton around the waist, sitting up slightly to shield her. I looked toward the door to find my mother’s eyes taking in the picture before her.
“I didn’t mean to wake you,” she whispered. “We’re going to church soon and I thought you all would like some breakfast.”
“I don’t know, Mum,” I began hesitantly, but a small voice said, “I’d like some breakfast.” He said it to no one in particular as he sat straight up in bed.
