by L. B. Dunbar
The movement made Britton grab Gee and sit up to shield him. She looked at Gee, then turned to see me over her shoulder before she glanced at Mum.
“Good morning,” my mother said politely.
“Good morning,” Britton said so low that I hardly heard her, even though I was next to her.
“Breakfast?” Mum asked, and Britton looked at me, afraid to answer.
“We’ll be down in a minute, Mum.”
Gee needed the bathroom and I opened the door to point in the direction. I watched the little body walk the few steps as if he didn’t have a care in the world.
“What are we going to do?” I asked as soon as Gee was gone.
“I don’t know, Gavin. I don’t know what you want.”
I looked down the hall as I stood half inside the doorway and half out. I turned to close the door slightly behind me. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore either.
“I’m sure you feel betrayed, and I’m so sorry for that.”
“Don’t tell me how I feel, Britton.”
“Well, what do you want then, Gavin?”
“I thought it might be clear what I want. I've been chasing you these two weeks.”
“You haven't been chasing me, Gavin. You're chasing a memory.”
I ignored her.
“You could move to California?”
“My job is here, Gavin.”
“You're a manager in a bookstore.” It came out more insulting than I intended.
“Don't patronize me.”
“I' m not, I just meant...”
“Stop fighting,” said a small voice from behind the door.
We both turned to see a sleepy, but wide-eyed Gee staring at us as he re-entered the room.
“We aren't fighting,” Britton said defensively.
“Are you two getting a divorce?” He crawled onto the bed and sat near his mother in his tiny boxers and t-shirt. I snorted and Britton replied disgusted, but softly, “We can't get divorced, Gee, lovie. We aren't married. You know these things.”
“But could you get married?” he questioned.
“What?” Britton and I responded together.
“Katie said you two could get married and Gavin could adopt me like Emily is adopting her. Then Gavin could be my father and I wouldn't have to wait for my dad anymore.”
The room was silent; Gee's words filling it and suffocating us. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and from the look on Britton's face, she’d already lost her breath.
“Gee,” I squatted at the end of the bed to be level with the boy as I began. I paused for a moment to glance at Britton, who closed her eyes. A single tear slipped slowly down her cheek. “I already am your dad.”
It was Gee's turn to suck in air. He was puffing in and out slowly, and I thought he was about to have a tantrum. I'd seen little kids do that in stores...and the movies. But true to form, Gee surprised me. I stared into his eyes as he crawled toward me, a miniature me staring back at me, and little shaky arms wrapped around my neck like they had the first time he’d hugged me as an apology. Gee held on tightly. I felt my heart shatter.
He pulled back first and wiped his face. He had been crying.
“Dad?” He looked at me. “Where have you been?” he whispered, and my heart broke even more. I didn’t have an answer.
The three of us made our way downstairs. I was dressed in jeans and a clean t-shirt while Britton and Gee were still in their good clothes from the wedding. I sensed we had missed breakfast. My mother sat on the living room sofa putting on her shoes, and Dad stood behind her with a sweater over his arm.
They both turned when Britton, Gee, and I entered.
“I’m sorry. We ate without you, but there are still pancakes in the oven, warming,” Mum suggested as she tugged her low heels on her feet.
Gee walked around the sofa to stand before Mum, who smiled at him with a twinkle in her eyes. If I didn’t know the truth, I never would have guessed my mother was sick with cancer. She looked good this morning; refreshed and jovial. She reached for Gee’s hands and clasped both of them in both of hers.
“How did you sleep last night?”
“Crooked,” he replied, raising his eyebrows at her.
“Crooked?” she laughed.
“Mommy and Gavin were in the bed with me. We were crooked together.”
Mum smiled again and looked over her shoulder at me. The sparkle in her brown eyes was definitely there.
“Mrs. Scott, if Gavin is my dad, does that make you my grandma?”
The silence in the room was emphasized as Dad let out a small snort of surprise. Mum searched the boy’s face for a long time before she answered.
“Yes, that does make me your grandmum. Would that be okay with you?”
“I don’t have any grandmas, so I’d really like one.”
Mum smiled and she quickly wiped her eyes, which I knew had to be a filled with tears.
“Did you know that you are the oldest Scott grandson?” she said with pride. I had a sudden sinking feeling. I knew why my parents kept the secret. Gee would inherit the farm.
I’d only had a moment to process this horror when my father said, “Ready, Sara?”
She took a moment to look at Britton in front of me and turned to kiss Gee on the forehead, all the while still holding both his little hands.
“I think I’m ready, now,” she replied to Gee, and there was a shared smile between them before he hugged her with his arms around her neck.
Take 36
Under the Moonlight
I turned to Britton when my parents left. There was no resolution for the moment and I couldn’t keep her here any longer. As a matter of fact, I wanted some time to myself.
“You can go,” I said. It sounded forceful.
She blinked twice at me before opening her mouth to respond, but stopped herself. She nodded once and told Gee to go get his things from upstairs.
We stood in awkward silence, and she finally broke it in Gee’s absence.
“You won’t…” She swallowed hard. “You won’t try to take him from me?” She paused. “He’s all I have,” she whispered.
I was immediately pissed off and my response came out hard. “Who do you think I am?”
A single tear fell from her eyes and my heart cracked. I took a deep breath.
“Don’t run away with him,” I said, exasperated.
“I have nowhere to go,” she replied meekly.
Thick silence filled the space between us.
“You leave tomorrow morning,” she said. It wasn’t a question.
“Yes.” I rubbed my forehead.
“Will you be back to see Gee?”
“Of course,” I replied quickly.
“When?” Her voice sounded desperate.
“I…I don’t know,” I sighed. I had so much to figure out and I couldn’t even grasp it all. Zoe and the condo in Malibu. My meeting with Joe Scanlon. The fact that I was a father with a son who lived halfway across the country from me.
There were no answers and no further questions before Gee returned, hitting the third stair hard and making it creak under his weight.
“I’ll call you,” I said, and I noticed Britton wince at the words I’d used when she was last in this home.
I watched them drive away after I had hugged Gee, but didn’t touch Britton. I was afraid to. Afraid that if I was close to her, I would give in and forgive her, and I wasn’t ready for that. I changed my clothes again and went for a run. It was starting to drizzle and the cool spray matched my mood. I ran down the lane and along the orchard edge, crossing the highway to the road by the barn, but I kept running today, past the two-tire drive, and as far as I could go.
While it looks like the orchard drops off into nothing, the earth actually twists and winds downward to the edge of the water below. A few homes dot the heavily wooded landscape, but I found a place to trample through to the water’s edge without being seen by one property owner or another. I was winded from pushin
g myself and soaked from a combination of rain and sweat. I bent over to clasp my knees and catch my breath.
What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do?
The mantra played over and over in my head. I had to think of things in an order.
Zoe first. Settle with her on the apartment as quickly as possible.
Joe second. Write up plans tomorrow, or start today for my meeting with Image Productions.
Gee third. Here I was blank. Come back in two weeks? Isn’t that how these arrangements worked? But then I realized that I was treating our situation like a divorce, the very thing I’d laughed at when Gee suggested it this morning. I wasn’t divorced. I’d never been married.
Britton fourth. I wasn’t as blank with Britton. I felt like all the love I thought I had for her was gone at the moment, but then images of her came into my mind. Not memories, but visions from our last two weeks together. How she bit her lip when she looked at me. How she pushed her hair back when she was nervous. How she moved over me.
Whoa. A part of me sprang to attention. I was still attracted to her, but was it like she said and just a memory I was chasing? No, not after the rehearsal dinner Friday night, when we talked all night and then I held her in my arms. Not after Saturday when I spent the day with Gee and Britton. But it went further back than that. I still could smell her and taste her, and I knew deep down inside that I still wanted her.
I walked back to the farm, thinking of my parents. My mother was happy this morning when Gee asked her to be his grandmother, but then I thought of my father. I remembered again why they kept the secret. I could hear my father’s voice in my head. If Gavin and Ethan don’t want the farm, maybe a grandson would. An evil cackle followed that voice, which seemed disingenuous because my father wasn’t evil. He was desperate. A desperate man trying to protect his dream, and could I blame him? After all, hadn’t that been me when I returned that July seven years ago?
It took longer than I thought to walk back to my parents. I wasn’t sure how many hours had passed and I didn’t realize how hard it was actually raining until I walked up the front porch with water dripping from my shirt. I wrung it out and noticed a car parked on the other side of the old green truck. Just what I didn’t need: Karyn. I groaned internally as I opened the front door to unusual chaos.
“Okay. Mum…Mum, listen, sit down for a second,” Karyn was speaking to our mother as they stood in the living room.
Mum flopped onto the couch and giggled.
“Whoa,” I started, “did she hit the meds too hard?”
“Gavin,” I heard my mother say in a sing song voice. “Gavin, Gavin, Gavin.” She patted the cushion next to her on the old slipcovered sofa.
“Sit with her a second,” Karyn growled. “I’m calling the doctor.”
I sat next to my mother, who leaned over to place her head on my shoulder and her hand on my chest.
“I’m so sorry, Gavin,” she mumbled with a slur. Had she been drinking?
“It’s okay, Mum. You feeling good today?” I laughed.
“Mmm…I feel relieved, Gavin. I’ve been holding that secret for so long, and I’m ready now.” She traced a heart around my sweaty, rain-drenched chest.
I pinched my eyebrows. The way my mother was acting was almost uncomfortable.
When she stopped tracing the outline of the heart shape, she patted her hand over the space.
“You need to listen to your heart, Gavin. What is it telling you?”
I didn’t understand and I said so.
“Your heart is giving you a second chance, Gavin. We don’t often get them. I didn’t get one. Not a second time, Gavin. I got cancer a second time.” She emphasized the word over and over, like an echo. “A second chance, Gavin. A second chance…at love.” She giggled again.
I wasn’t sure what my mother meant, but I was mentally taking a note on her emphasis on time and love to save for later. I’d heard it before, but my brain was presently full to overflowing.
Karyn returned and placed her hands under my mother’s armpits.
“Okay, Mum, upsy-daysie,” she said as she gently helped Mum to stand. Mum hardly moved and her eyes closed.
“Gavin, a little help here, please,” Karyn groaned as she tried again to get Mum’s arm around her neck. Mum was a dead weight all of a sudden and I thought she might have passed out, except she mumbled something. Something about waiting and too long. I looked at Karyn, who had a nervous gleam in her eyes.
“What?” I asked, suddenly panicking myself.
“I was going to have her change her clothes, but forget it now. Help me get her to the car, Gavin. I need to get her to the hospital.”
I didn’t want to question my sister. I was reminded of Tom’s words to trust Karyn’s feelings. I scooped Mum up in my arms and realized she weighed next to nothing.
“Where’s Dad?”
“He’s walking the orchard.”
“Where’s E?”
“Upstairs.”
I called his name, knowing there was fear in my tone. Moments later I heard the thumping of my younger brother coming down the wooden staircase.
“Jesus, Gee, where’s the fire?”
I startled at the way my younger brother called me by my childhood nickname. E and G, Ethan and Gavin. Britton had named our child after me and even called him by my nickname. My mind raced for a moment as I realized what she’d said: I thought of you every day. How could she not? I was right in front of her with those innocent chocolate eyes and my own bloody name.
My mother suddenly felt heavy and I almost collapsed with the weight of the realization about Britton. My mind quickly refocused to the crisis at hand. Mum was definitely passed out.
“E, find Dad. Meet us at the hospital.”
“Wait,” Ethan responded as he turned for the stairs.
“We can’t,” Karyn said firmly. “We don’t have time to wait any longer.”
Take 37
Under the Moonlight
I was still soaking wet, and as Karyn drove to the hospital, I called Ethan to ask him to bring me a change of clothes. Ella answered his phone and I was momentarily embarrassed to emphasize I needed a change of everything. I was soaked through to the skin.
When we entered the emergency entrance, a gurney was waiting for Mum and she was mumbling again. I was trying to ask her what she was saying, but Karyn said she didn’t think Mum could understand me. She was taken directly to the emergency ICU and we weren’t allowed to follow her farther. Karyn was trying to explain that she was studying to be a nurse, and that we were family, but the emergency team was refusing entrance at the moment. Karyn had Mum’s doctor on speed dial, and the service explained that he was in the hospital. He should be down shortly.
Karyn was pacing and it seemed mere minutes before Dad, Ethan, and Ella arrived. Dad was as soaked as me, and he stood with his baseball cap in his hand, turning it around and around with his fingers. Karyn stood to hug him but stopped short when she saw how wet he was.
“Why didn’t you change?” she scolded him softly. “You’ll catch pneumonia.”
“I didn’t have time to think,” Dad replied like an errant child. “Where is she?” His voice was shaky.
“In ICU. They wouldn’t let us follow,” Karyn added, disgusted. Dad had started for the doors when a doctor came out and recognized him immediately.
“Jack,” he extended his hand to shake. “We need to run some tests. Have a seat, get some coffee. It will be a little bit.” The man looked at the rest of the standing group.
“And you are?” The man looked about my age and extended a hand to me.
“Gavin Scott.”
“The director?” he smiled warmly.
“Yes,” I replied and looked at Karyn, who shrugged.
“Your mother was so proud. Glad you’re here. She was waiting for you.” The doctor released my hand, turned to enter the double doors, and left us all standing in silence.
As we waited
in the narrow hallway, Karyn paced while Ella took Ethan and Dad to get some coffee.
“Stop pacing. You’re making me edgy,” I snapped. It had been an hour.
“Sorry,” she mumbled and slid into the chair next to me.
“What’s taking so long?” I sighed as I ran my hands through my hair and leaned forward to balance on my knees. “I need to pack.”
“Oh sorry, cancer isn’t convenient for you, Gavin.”
“That’s not what I meant,” I snapped back at her. “But I leave tomorrow.”
“Well, you might not be going anywhere yet,” she replied.
I looked at her. “Why would you say that?”
“Don’t you have things to sort out here first, Gavin?”
“No, I have things to sort out at home first.”
“This is your home, Gavin.”
“No, California is my home.” I felt the dishonesty in my words as soon as I said them. If I had to think about it, California hadn’t felt like home in a long time.
Karyn shook her head in the seat beside me and leaned it back against the wall.
“Your priorities are so messed up, Gavin.”
“Like you know, Karyn.”
“I know a lot more about that girl than you might think.”
“Like what?”
“She was scared. And she was alone. And she had no one to protect her.”
“Why does everyone think of Britton as the victim? She had my child and didn’t tell me. For six years, I might add.”
“She did try to tell you, you asshole. But you only think of yourself.”
“Karyn, we don’t need this right now. Just stay out of my affairs.”
“That’s all it was to you, wasn’t it? An affair with some girl every summer. She loved you, Gavin. I barely knew the girl and I saw it on her face then, and I see it on her face now. She loves you, and she’s still waiting for you to come home to her.” Karyn was emphasizing each word, sadness clearly in her voice.
I held my fingers in my hair, still balancing my elbows on my knees.
“I’m leaving tomorrow, Karyn. I have other things to straighten out first.”
