by L. B. Dunbar
“Gavin, love doesn’t wait. And neither does a child. They grow up and you miss it.”
I was about to respond to my sister with a harsh word to mind her own business when her words sunk into me. Gee wouldn’t wait, and Britton shouldn’t wait any longer, either. If I wasn’t coming back, they had to be let go. She needed to be free to find someone who would love her and Gee. But I knew I could never let that happen. No other man could have either of them.
The doors to the emergency wing opened and I saw the doctor from earlier. His face was grim and I had a sinking feeling in my stomach.
“Where’s your father?”
Karyn explained that he’d gone to get coffee.
“We’re moving her to ICU. Meet me in that wing and I’ll explain everything there.”
I followed Karyn to find Dad, Ethan, and Ella, and we all went to the ICU. Once we were there, the atmosphere was somber. The lights were dim and the only noises were the steady beeps of machines. The nurse’s station was slightly livelier with their carefree chatter, and a nurse smiled softly at me as we passed.
Inside the glass enclosure, Mum was pale and still with tubes coming out of her arm. She looked peaceful, but not lifelike. I was suddenly very uneasy. The doctor came up behind us and asked us to step outside the room. He explained all the tests they’d run, which I didn’t understand. The doctor clarified that Mum could hear us, but she was on pain medication that would not allow her to respond to us coherently.
Karyn was fidgety, playing with the zipper on her sweatshirt, and she finally blurted, “What’s going on?”
“Your mother’s gone into renal failure,” he replied bluntly. Karyn gasped, covering her mouth with both her hands. Dad stopped twirling his cap around and around, and Ella wrapped two hands around Ethan’s bicep as he made a fist.
“What does this mean?” I hated to ask, sounding stupid, but I seemed to be the only one that didn’t know.
“It means that your mother’s insides are shutting down. She isn’t able to relieve herself, and the toxins will poison her organs.”
“What does this mean?” I repeated with a little squeak in my voice.
“It means that her organs will slowly stop working as she stops processing the removal of waste within.”
“Well, get the waste out of her,” I said, my voice rising.
“It doesn’t work that way, Gavin. Once the body shuts down like this, all we can do is keep her comfortable.”
“How long?” Dad muttered softly, resuming the spin of his baseball cap.
“How long for what?” I was definitely shouting now.
“A few days, the end of the week, maximum,” the doctor replied softly. He placed a hand on Dad’s shoulder. “Spend all the time you need with her,” he said, patting my father before he walked away.
I looked at Karyn, who had tears silently streaming down her face. I looked at Ethan who had a hand over his eyes, and at Ella who had her face buried in Ethan’s shoulder. I was still having trouble understanding at the moment.
“Is he saying Mum’s dying?”
“Yes,” Karyn said between silent sobs.
“By Friday,” I blinked at her to clarify.
“Sorry if it messes up your plans, Gavin,” she barked out at me.
“Fuck you, Karyn,” I said as I started to back away from them. “Fuck all of you,” I yelled as I turned to exit the ICU area.
I got as far as a small empty hallway to the right where I turned and started punching the wall. I was blind with anger and frustration. I didn’t even know what I was hitting, or how hard.
“Gavin,” a voice spoke behind me. “Gavin, stop it.”
I didn’t turn to look, only leaned forward, out of breath and rested my forehead on the cool, textured wallpapered. I breathed deeply, trying to concentrate while my knuckles throbbed bloody and raw. My heart was slamming up and down in my chest.
“Gavin, they need you right now. Ethan needs you. And you need them. Come back. No one expects you to apologize. You can apologize later.” Ella’s voice was firm, but soft.
“My mother left me when I was younger, and she never looked back, Gavin. Your mother has been waiting for you for a long time. Don’t be the one to walk away from them when she needs you most.”
Ella paused and I felt my breathing slow. I closed my eyes.
“I know I don’t know you very well, but she spoke of you often. I knew the secret because I was good at keeping them myself. She trusted me. She was waiting for you to come home for this.”
“Are you saying that now that I’m here, she’s gonna die because the secret is out in the open?” I paused as I turned on Ella. “Are you saying I’m killing her?”
“No,” she said forcefully. “I’m saying that woman loved her child who had not been home in too long a time, and it hurt her to keep a secret from him. She was looking forward to your homecoming to finally face the truth. It relieved her of the secret once you knew, and it allowed her to free herself. She’s had a long, painful few years, Gavin, and she deserves to be free if that’s what her body wants.”
Ella stared at me for a moment before she turned on her low heels and walked away, leaving me to my own thoughts and bloody hands.
Take 38
Under the Moonlight
I returned to the ICU area to find Karyn and Ethan outside the room. Dad and Ella were inside. Ella was rubbing Dad’s back as his head was bent, and his hands covered his face.
“She’s tough,” I said to Ethan, looking at Ella through the window.
“That’s why I love her,” Ethan said with pride.
Things were good between us as brothers.
“Karyn,” I said softly. She was looking away from me and didn’t acknowledge me when I addressed her.
“Karyn, I’m sorry. I’m an ass and I know it.” I paused, waiting for a comeback, but she kept her head turned away from me. I didn’t know what more to say and she didn’t respond.
Minutes passed before Ella and Dad opened the door to the glassed-in enclosure.
“You can go in,” Dad said, wiping his face. “The doctor says she can hear you, so keep it light. No fighting.” Dad warned, looking directly at me.
I hung my head. “I’m sorry, Dad. I…I didn’t mean to lose it.” I blinked once, twice. I wasn’t going to cry. I wasn’t ready to cry.
Ella patted my arm and moved over to wrap her arms around Ethan, who kissed her forehead. I wondered where Tom was? And my nieces and nephew? Shouldn’t they all be here?
As if reading my thoughts, Dad suggested that Karyn call Tom. He turned to me.
“And call your girl, too. Your mother’ll want to know that things worked out between you two, even if they haven’t yet.” Dad leveled another stare at me.
I wasn’t ready to call Britton, but I sensed my father’s urgency. I didn’t know what to say to her other than the truth.
“Britton,” I began.
“Gavin?”
“I know a lot has happened, and I have no right to ask anything right now, but my mum’s in the hospital. We’re here right now, and the doctor said…the doctor said she might not last the week.”
There was silence on the other end of the phone.
“My dad suggested I call you, so you and Gee could say good-bye.” My voice broke on the last word.
“Your father?”
“Yes.”
Britton was silent again.
“Please,” I whispered. “For her.”
“What time should I be there?”
“Could you come tomorrow? I think we might have at least a day, and right now it’s just family.” It struck me when I said it that this was the reason my father wanted her here. She was family. Gee was family.
Britton was quiet again.
“Britton?”
“I’m here,” she said softly. I sucked in a breath as I heard those all too familiar words that I’d awaited each June. “I’ll be there tomorrow morning unless you need me sooner. Or y
our father, rather.”
“Thank you,” I said, missing the innuendo.
We took turns sitting with Mum and going to get coffee. We ordered food, but didn’t eat it. Karyn didn’t want to leave, but she needed to go home for a change of clothes. She offered to go for everyone, especially since our father was drying out and was now visibly uncomfortable in his once wet clothing.
Dad and I decided to take the night shift in the room. We listened to the beep of the monitors, each lost in our private thoughts until Dad spoke.
“She was waiting for you,” he said gruffly low. “She had faith you would come home some time. The film festival was an answer to her prayers.”
“She was so proud of you, telling everyone about your film. She could have been a manager for you,” he laughed.
“She always was better at understanding; the one to take a step back, think things through. It was her decision to let you go, just like it was her decision to let Ethan go. She knew you each needed to find yourself, and you weren’t going to find it on the farm.” Dad shifted in his seat.
“It’s not that I’m not proud of you both. I am. I just selfishly wanted someone to take over the place because I promised her I’d show her the world. I promised her that if she followed me here, we would travel and see everything, everywhere together. And now I won’t get to keep that promise.” He placed a hand over his face and breathed deeply. He wiped down his nose with two fingers and leaned forward.
“She believed in you. Your mother believed she knew best. I wanted to come to California and yank you home when that girl showed up pregnant, but your mother really listened to what Britton had to say. Your mum agreed you would resent having to come back here for the rest of your life, and that girl didn’t want to be the cause of such resentment. Britton was strong; stronger than when she first sat in front of us crying over the pregnancy. She was determined to go it alone, and she only wanted answers. Your mother snuck off to see her when she was well, and Britton met your mother sometimes at chemo treatments. But I was too angry to be involved. Angry at the girl. Angry at you. Angry even at your mother for going along with this secret. I missed out on spending time with my own grandson and his grandmother because of my anger.” He shook his head. “I promised her last night I would make them part of this family, with or without you, and I intend to keep that promise. It might have been her dying wish for me.”
I remained silent.
“Your mother felt that things would be resolved now that you knew the truth. I could tell a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. I shouldn’t say this to my son, but I made love to my wife for the first time in months last night. I never knew it would be the last time to love her like that.” Dad stood and walked out of the room. He passed even Ella who reached a hand for him as he exited the ICU area. I didn’t even think as I grabbed my phone and texted Britton.
Come as soon as you can.
It wasn’t a request from my father; it was a need from me.
Britton arrived around six the following morning. She looked rushed as she plowed through the ICU doors and asked Ethan immediately if she was too late.
A panicked look eventually met me.
“Your text seemed so desperate and I feel awful I didn’t see it until this morning.”
“No, you’re fine. Thank you for coming.” I paused. “Where’s Gee?”
“With Ben.”
“Why didn’t you bring him?”
“I can’t bring him here, Gavin. Children aren’t allowed in the ICU, plus I don’t want this to be his last memory of her. He just found her.” Britton looked at me with pain in her eyes.
“She’s right,” Karyn finally spoke to me, or at least in my direction. “I’m not bringing my children, either. This isn’t how I want them to remember Mum.”
“Can I see her?” Britton asked hesitantly. “Speak to her?”
I pointed the way, but Dad stepped forward and grabbed her arm.
“I don’t want you walking in there with more confessions. Make it pleasant, say good-bye, but no more,” he said with his normal rough tone and he gave Britton a hard glare. I didn’t like the way my father had referred to her as ‘that girl’ or the way he was speaking to her now. I understood what he was trying to say, but he didn’t have to be so crass about it.
“I’ll go in with you,” I said, and Ella followed us as well.
Britton looked at me for a moment and walked hesitantly to Mum.
“The doctors say she can hear you,” I said softly. “I don’t know if that’s true, but it doesn’t hurt, even if she won’t respond.”
Britton reached for Mum’s frail hand, which I’d noticed this morning was growing cold.
“Hey, Sara. It’s Britton.”
She looked up and down Mum’s body that was tightly wrapped in a blanket.
“Gee drew you a picture. He said it’s for his new grandma and her journey.”
What? I thought. What journey?
Britton released Mum’s hand and pulled a folded piece of paper out of her big bag. She held it up for Mum as if Mum could see it.
“It’s a rainbow and the lake, and our house, I guess. He said he wants you to be able to know where he is.”
Britton choked a little and I could feel a lump in my throat. Ella was already crying, and Ethan and Dad entered the room.
“What in the hell…?” Dad snarled low, but I held up a hand to stop my father.
“Gee says he knows you’ll be able to see him, and he will sit by the lake and talk to you. He just wants you to know which house is ours. I think he might have you confused with Santa,” she tried to laugh. She placed the picture on Mum’s stomach for a moment and reached into her bag again, pulling out tape.
She held up the tape this time as if Mum could see it.
“I’m going to hang the picture over to your left,” she told Mum, even though we all knew she would never open her eyes again.
“I want to thank you for all your support. We talked two nights ago, and I meant what I said.” She looked hesitantly over her shoulder at the crowd behind her, and she leaned forward, speaking quieter, directly to Mum. “I loved him before, and I would love him again. But if that doesn’t happen for him…”
Dad took a step forward, but I stopped my father again. My heart was beating in my throat.
“I promised you I would love him all the days of my life. Gee will know him, and he will know Gee. He will be a good father in his own way. We both know that. You did a good job with him, and I hope I raise as good a man.”
She leaned forward to kiss Mum’s forehead and said something else to her ear before sitting upright and holding her hand again. We were all silent until the nurse came in to say there were too many people in the room. Britton hung the picture as the others left the room. She was the last to leave, shutting the door softly behind her.
She stood outside the door for a moment and I was able to take her in. She had on jeans and flip-flops, plus a t-shirt with a light sweater over it. I assumed it must still be raining outside, but I wouldn’t know since I hadn’t seen the light of day for twenty-four hours. I asked Britton if she wanted a cup of coffee, and she followed me down the sterile hall to a vending machine.
“What happened to your hands?” she asked with concern.
“Fight with a wall.” My voice sounded dead. “Thank you for coming.”
“No worries,” she replied, and waved her hand in the air.
“I have no idea if she heard you, but I like to think she might have.” We walked back to the waiting area outside the ICU and sat.
“Did you mean what you said in there?” I was leaning forward with my elbows on my knees, balancing the cup of coffee between my hands.
“Yes.” She paused for a moment, as if uncertain if she should share more, before adding, “I told your mother the other night that I would take care of you, and I meant it. Whatever form that might be.”
I looked over at her. “What do you mean?”
> “I don’t think you know what you want, Gavin, and now isn’t the time to discuss it. You said your dad wanted me to come and I came. I…I just…never mind.” She smiled weakly.
I looked at her again, shock on my face.
“What do you mean? I didn’t ask you here for my dad, I asked you here for me,” I said, my tone rising. “I’d…I’d really like it if you stayed for a while today. I could use the support.” I hung my head again and stared at the floor. We were silent for a moment, and I felt her hand on my lower back. She began to rub in soft circles and I flinched forward on instinct. I couldn’t have her touching me. She stopped for a moment, her hand frozen on my back, but then she began again. She rubbed slowly with the palm of her hand and I eventually relaxed. I closed my eyes for a moment and thought of what she’d said. She’d promised to love me forever, all the days of her life. It was like something someone would say at a wedding.
“You fed her more lies,” I grumbled to the floor, feeling mesmerized by the touch of her hand on my back.
“How?”
“You told her you’d love me all the days of your life. It sounded like a wedding promise.”
“It wasn’t a lie,” she whispered. “I was trying to give her hope that we’d be okay over time.”
I couldn’t take anymore. I pinched my eyes with my fingers and a tear fell. Then another. I sat up and rolled my shoulders to remove Britton’s hand. I couldn’t stand her touch any longer. It was too much. I leaned forward again and more tears escaped. And then she said my name.
It was soft and sultry in a tone that said she didn’t want to fight. My strength broke. I bent farther forward and felt the cup of coffee being removed from my hands. An arm wrapped over my upper back and another circled under my chest. She pulled me toward her. I kept my hands over my face as she kissed my hair, smoothing it with her fingers, and delicately running the tips over my head. She shushed me, soothing me like a mother would a child.
“It’s okay, Gavin. Everything will be okay, lovie,” she whispered, and I wrapped my arms around her waist. It was an awkward hold as she was small, but I held onto her as she continued to lull me and tell me things would be okay.
